Quine Roseman, Edge Lord Comedian from "When They Go Low, Punch Lower" (What the Fuck Is a Chicagofornian?)

 

Jerry Seinfeld: Living Proof That Not All Dinosaurs Were Wiped Out

 

Charley Moo vs. Jim Jefferies: Fighting Fatphobia One Edge-Lord at a Time

 

Allex Broker a.k.a. White Snake

 

An edge lord with no hope, no love, and no coping mechanisms except for gang fights.

Marcellis Wallace vs. Zed (Rest in Peace, Peter Greene)

 

Ricky Gervais

 

Krimson Rogue vs. Onision

 

Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy vs. Matt Rife

 

Try That in a Comedy Club

VERSE 1: CHEESY COMEDIAN

“Rabbits going back is a receding hare line

That chick’s a parking ticket, ‘cause damn, she’s fine

There’s only one way to catch a unique rabbit

Unique up on it, gob-less the sabbath

I did a line of coke and I wrote down the joke

Rolled a joint full of green and I gave it a smoke

I can make a lot of pennies off the number 420

And the number 69, yo, I got to get mine”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 2: EDGY COMEDIAN

“I like to slap bitches, I like to slap hoes

Take a pair of brass knucks across her perfect nose

I identify as the guy who pulls out a knife

Carves the N-word on your head, watch that shit bleed red

You can’t cancel me, ‘cause I’ve got all the money

I’m the only one who decides what’s funny

Not my audience or the world wide web

I’ll be triggering you all ‘til the day I’m dead”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 3: ME

You could never measure up to George Carlin’s legend

You say you speak the truth, but he’s the only one who said it

Context is important, but to you it doesn’t matter

‘Cause a list of racial slurs is your ticket to laughter

If a million people laugh, then that’s a million idiots

If a million defend you, then that’s a million hypocrites

At your own funeral, you ain’t an unexpected guest

But nobody showed up to lay your ass to rest

 

CHORUS 2

Try that in the Hall of Fame

All you mediocre men sound about the same

You’d never laugh at a woman on stage

Unless of course she shared your bigoted rage

Try that at the Kennedy Center

Even if you blew the owner, he wouldn’t let you enter

Try that on your Nazi bird app

You’re not triggering the libs, ‘cause no one gives a crap

 

OUTRO: REAL COMEDIAN

“Of course Elon Musk likes to call Twitter X. He’s racked up a lot of exes, because he couldn’t give them O’s on his best day.”

(Audience laughter)

Bad Comedy

(In the style of “Bad Company” by Bad Company)

VERSE 1

Comedy is supposed to be about fun

I’d rather off myself with a loaded gun

You were born with sense of humor cancer

The crowd is dead, army of a necromancer

CHORUS 1

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, not a laugh or a cry

Bad, bad comedy, your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

VERSE 2

Oh so brave, a rebel you’ve been called

Truth teller? I’ve never been so appalled

And now these crowds, they boo you off the stage

Your lame-ass jokes, they will poorly age

CHORUS 2

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, you got too many tries

Bad, bad comedy, no pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

BRIDGE

Laugh at the vulnerable

Laugh at the “truth”

You’re wasting your time

We’re wasting our youth

CHORUS 3

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, go ahead and deny

Bad, bad comedy, shut up and make my fries

Shut up and make my fries

Until the day you die

Tiger Uppercut

VERSE 1

Striking a nerve like a glockenspiel

Is not how the world is supposed to heal

Of course it matters how your audience feels

They’re the ones who pay for your meals

They didn’t pay to see you spin your wheels

Shouting slurs with a Klansman’s zeal

Bigotry and anger weren’t part of the deal

Your jokes are older than slipping on a peel

CHORUS 1

Tiger uppercut to the billionaire giants

Sho-ryu-ken to the fascist tyrants

Machinegun punches to the royal crown

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 2

You’re not dead yet, got millions of dollars

And an army of defenders who hoot and holler

They’re the Twitter trolls and radio callers

Your ego gets bigger, but your dick gets smaller

CHORUS 2

Tiger uppercut to the cardinals and popes

Sho-ryu-ken to abusers of bad jokes

Machinegun punches for the evil frowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 3

You’ve never experienced living on the streets

You’ve never had to worry about when you’ll eat

You’ve never had a cop pound your face like meat

You’ve never been your uncle’s favorite tasty treat

Not all of your victims have a dinner table seat

Think about that when you’re feeling the heat

They’re not chewed gum stuck underneath your feet

They have their own dreams, march to their own beat

CHORUS 3

Tiger uppercut for the ones with bullwhips

Sho-ryu-ken for the sellers of bullshit

Machinegun punches for conspiracy clowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

Flash kick for the gods who rule from the sky

Spinning bird kick when they refuse to die

Rising dragon kick with a Bruce Lee sound

Kick all the way up, not all the way down

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

 VERSE 1

It’s the year 2000, so grow a set of balls

Get your individuality from Pink Floyd’s Wall

Watch ECW like it’s going out of business

Arena covered in blood as god as my witness

You’re too good for corporate ass-kissing

Too underground with your vinegar pissing

Photoshop videogame chicks into bikinis

Give yourself a reason to stroke your weenie

Watch Newgrounds videos until your brain rots

Watch Dragon Ball Z while smoking crack rocks

Play Tekken and become a badass karate master

Play DOA and become a future boyfriend faster

Become a comedian who punches down low

Smoke fifty reefers in a motherfucking row

No way the pen is mightier than the sword

Such is the life of a Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4

VERSE 2

You’re a grown ass man, all the jokes are gone

Now it’s time to figure out what’s right and wrong

The edgy shit that you’ve come to depend on

Leaves you an empty shell singing a sad song

There’s a world out there that needs your help

Good intentioned politicians pave the road to hell

The old you is now a ghost of your distant past

Along with the jokes about fucking some ass

“Georgie-Porgie pudding and pie

Fuck the girls, make their pussies cry”

You laughed back then, but it’s disgusting now

Like the way you compared fat people to cows

Like the way you compared every race to animals

Like the way you wrote a cook book for cannibals

We’re ready to fight, are you standing beside us?

Or have you always been a slacker-ass D-minus?

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4

BRIDGE

The world is in ruin and you are a shoe-in

To be the next savior of misbehavior

Population is sick while you stroke your dick

To the machinegun chick holding dynamite sticks

The country is fucked and it’s going to suck

But you’re still in luck, you’ve got your big truck

You couldn’t let go of your comedic shit show

Enjoy the next civil war, Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4