Tiger Uppercut

VERSE 1

Striking a nerve like a glockenspiel

Is not how the world is supposed to heal

Of course it matters how your audience feels

They’re the ones who pay for your meals

They didn’t pay to see you spin your wheels

Shouting slurs with a Klansman’s zeal

Bigotry and anger weren’t part of the deal

Your jokes are older than slipping on a peel

CHORUS 1

Tiger uppercut to the billionaire giants

Sho-ryu-ken to the fascist tyrants

Machinegun punches to the royal crown

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 2

You’re not dead yet, got millions of dollars

And an army of defenders who hoot and holler

They’re the Twitter trolls and radio callers

Your ego gets bigger, but your dick gets smaller

CHORUS 2

Tiger uppercut to the cardinals and popes

Sho-ryu-ken to abusers of bad jokes

Machinegun punches for the evil frowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

VERSE 3

You’ve never experienced living on the streets

You’ve never had to worry about when you’ll eat

You’ve never had a cop pound your face like meat

You’ve never been your uncle’s favorite tasty treat

Not all of your victims have a dinner table seat

Think about that when you’re feeling the heat

They’re not chewed gum stuck underneath your feet

They have their own dreams, march to their own beat

CHORUS 3

Tiger uppercut for the ones with bullwhips

Sho-ryu-ken for the sellers of bullshit

Machinegun punches for conspiracy clowns

Punch all the way up, not all the way down

Flash kick for the gods who rule from the sky

Spinning bird kick when they refuse to die

Rising dragon kick with a Bruce Lee sound

Kick all the way up, not all the way down

Psycho Crusher

VERSE 1

My psycho power knows no limits

Wreck your ass within just a minute

Steal your soul in a ritual so dark

Your new nickname is The Human Scar

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

VERSE 2

Throw your fireballs all you desire

Throw your lightning kicks until you tire

A hundred hand slap could finish any fight

But victory is mine even if only for tonight

Meet me in Thailand for the final round

Throw punches so hard, they shake the ground

This world is mine to conquer and rule

You’re a worthy opponent, but a blind fool

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

M. BISON QUOTE

Get lost! You can’t compare with my powers!

VERSE 3

You trained your ass off to get to this point

But in the end, your battle cries are white noise

Your hurricane kicks are just cheap ass tricks

Your dragon punches make me fucking sick

You never stood a chance in my tournament

You plead for mercy without earning it

Better luck next time, you second rate hack

Try again when you’re not lying on your back

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

M. BISON QUOTE

Anyone who opposes me must be destroyed!

Cody Trigger

VERSE 1

On death row, time’s moving slow

A blast to the past is where Cody goes

An adrenaline junkie, funky like a monkey

Beat some ass and earn prizefight money

Squash medieval knights like metal cans

Psychopaths are his number one fans

He doesn’t care if you’re man, beast, or car

He’ll knock your ass down and rip you apart

CHORUS

Criminal Uppercut! Ruffian Kick!

Cheap Shot Stone! Dagger tricks!

Final Destruction! Dead End Irony!

Still want to brag about being fiery?!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

VERSE 2

He could save Metro City, but not himself

He’s nowhere near the hero we knew so well

Can he save us all from the Lavos apocalypse?

If he turns his back, can you still be an apologist?

Can he play nice with the red-haired samurai?

Can he be sweeter to Marle than an apple pie?

Can he throw fists with Robo on the frontline?

Or will he be forever lost in the sands of time?

CHORUS

Criminal Uppercut! Ruffian Kick!

Cheap Shot Stone! Dagger tricks!

Final Destruction! Dead End Irony!

Still want to brag about being fiery?!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

VERSE 3

He’s the future and evil beasts are history

He’ll turn this hell into a bigger misery

Dragons, monsters, and the living fireball

He’ll burst into a rage and slaughter them all

He can throw kicks with the cute cavewoman

Save Jessica again and call her puddin’

Save the frog knight from Magus’s blight

You want a battle? Here’s a Dixie dogfight!

CHORUS

Criminal Uppercut! Ruffian Kick!

Cheap Shot Stone! Dagger tricks!

Final Destruction! Dead End Irony!

Still want to brag about being fiery?!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

Cody Trigger! Chrono Travers!

Fighting Game Neighborhoods

***FIGHTING GAME NEIGHBORHOODS***

I’m sure most of my reading audience is old enough to remember videogames from the Nintendo and Super Nintendo gaming consoles. What I don’t know is if any of you have played beat ‘em up fighting games like Double Dragon or Final Fight. If you haven’t, then you probably won’t understand just what the hell I’m talking about. In which case, feel free to skip past this portion of my journal and go straight to the creative project updates and the quote of the day.

For those of you who did play those kinds of videogames as a child, congratulations, your childhood was fucking awesome. There’s no violence quite like senseless violence as you move your ass-kicking character from one side of the screen to the other. No talking, no nonsense, just straight up ass-beatings and maybe some kya noises. What this journal deals with in particular is how most of those games take place in poor, dilapidated neighborhoods.

You know the kinds of neighborhoods I’m talking about. The buildings are so broken down that they look like they’re about to collapse. Cars parked on the side of the road live up to their moniker of Fixed or Repaired Daily. The roads and sidewalks have so many potholes that it’s amazing your character doesn’t trip over them constantly. There’s trash everywhere, and I mean everywhere. In the second stage of the first Final Fight game, the subway train’s windows are bashed in and there’s graffiti all over the walls.

If you’ve ever lived in a small town or inner city district before, then you’ve probably made the connection between your own life and a fighting videogame. You would often pretend to be Billy Lee or Cody Travers as you punch and kick at invisible enemies. You couldn’t do that to real people walking by or else that would be considered assault and battery. There are places in Port Orchard and Chehalis, WA that look like they could be backdrops for a fighting game based on their depressing appearances alone. I haven’t met anybody in Port Orchard who was worthy of a Mike Haggar piledriver. Chehalis? Oh, that was quite the different story.

But why is this trope so relevant to fighting games? Why do they always take place in shitty neighborhoods? You never see fighting games that take place in friendly or rich neighborhoods. Even Belger’s penthouse from the first Final Fight game looked like shit. But what if there was an installment of Double Dragon that took place in a gated community? Would it have the same feel? Would it make less sense? Are people in rich neighborhoods suddenly better than people in poor ones?

And that’s how you can tell if class warfare exists. You won’t see Guy slinging a katana at some Wall Street motherfuckers. If Mike Hagger ever got elected president, you wouldn’t see him clotheslining Andore out of his boots at the white house. You won’t see Shadow Master drinking a glass of Chablis while eating caviar with Liberace playing in the background. The poor neighborhood trope in fighting games is stereotypical of how Americans see their economic inferiors. Then again, nobody played those games because of they were models for progressive values. They played them for the same reason I’d love to play them again someday: because kicking ass is a lot of goddamn fun!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

Speaking of kicking ass and taking names, this week’s story will be called “Kink Floyd” and will conform to the Captive prompt. It goes like this:

 CHARACTERS:

Tarja Hunter, Cop

Daniel “Kink Floyd” Alexander, Bondage Enthusiast

Johnny Filter, Straightedge Gangster

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Tarja is the captive of Daniel and Johnny.

SYNOPSIS: In order to gain leverage over the Paulson City Police Department, Johnny kidnaps Tarja (their best detective) and takes her to Daniel’s studio. “Kink Floyd” as he’s nicknamed poses her in humiliating sexual bondage positions while Johnny takes pictures on his iPhone. Distributing these pictures could do serious damage to the Police Department’s reputation, which is why Johnny wants to use the photos to blackmail them into allowing him and his gang to do whatever they want. But even in kinky bondage, Tarja won’t give up without a fight to the death.

FUN FACT: If Tarja ever arrests her two captives, not only will they be charged with assaulting an officer and attempted conspiracy, but they’ll also be charged with murder. The victim? Pink Floyd’s music.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

If Stinger Crushwar’s head looks like it’s a little too far on his left shoulder, I apologize. That was a goof on my part and hopefully there will be fewer of them in the future. No sense in crying over spilled milk, though, because the next one to appear on the list is Mathias Jorgenson, the elf sorcerer from “Forever Autumn”. I already drew a picture of Autumn the parrot wizard, so Mathias was naturally next on the list. “Forever Autumn” was described by my audience as “cute” and “cartoon-like”, so hopefully I’ll capture those essences when I draw Mathias.

***POISON TONGUE TALES***

Only my Deviant Art members will understand why this section of the journal is significant since they’re the only ones who see my editing work. The next three stories that will undergo literary surgery are the three M’s of Poison Tongue Tales: “Mastodon”, “Minnie-Moo”, and “Molly-Dolly”. All three of these stories deal with animals and they all start with the letter M, which spells out MMM!! Tarja Hunter’s going to be saying that a lot when I eventually write “Kink Floyd” for the WSS contest. Hehe!

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call a mean Canadian?

A: Eh-Hole.