Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

Magneto from X-Men: the Arcade Game vs. Lauren Boebert

 

Magneto's dialogue was a typo in the arcade game. Lauren Boebert's dialogue was intentional.

Sammy Marshall: Holy Warrior

Most of you know by now that I like to randomly choose my characters’ names. But in the case of playing Diablo II with my brother, cherry-picking was the better option. Otherwise, I would have ended up with a paladin named Sammy Marshall. Not happening. Sammy Marshall is the kind of guy who will organize a union strike. Or if you need a football coach, Sammy Marshall can do that too. But if you give him a footman’s mace and send him into the Den of Evil, he’s going to get his shit pushed in by Corpsefire the zombie boss. On normal difficulty, no less. It’s the same reason why nobody will believe that Meg Ryan’s character from When Harry Met Sally had mind-blowing sex with a guy named Sheldon. It’s also why The Bastion Booger never became WWF Champion. Or why Taserface was laughed out of every scene he was a part of in the movie Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

Goodbye Bill Maher

***GOODBYE BILL MAHER***

I’ve had this topic idea on the shelf for over a year now. Anyone who’s known me for a long time knows that Bill Maher was at one point one of my favorite comedians and political commentators. I saw him perform in Seattle in 2013, which was also the same night where we couldn’t find the car afterwards, but that has nothing to do with this post. So when I finally say goodbye to Bill Maher in 2019, you know he must have done something incredibly shitty in order to lose my respect. Actually, it wasn’t just one thing he said or did. It slowly built up over the last few years. And yeah, one could argue that he was always obnoxious and bigoted from the beginning, but it wasn’t really noticeable until the latter years of the 2010’s. So…where do I start this lovely story?

In 2006, of course. That was when I saw my first episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. I can’t remember for the life of me what some of his jokes or talking points were, but I found them fucking hilarious and on-point. I decided from that point going forward that I would make watching his show a weekly ritual. Despite all of the wacky conservatives he sometimes invited on his panel, the show overall was fun to watch, especially the New Rules segment.

New Rule: You can’t bring a firearm to Wendy’s unless you plan to rob it. You’re not a gun enthusiast. You’re an ammosexual. If you want to die at Wendy’s so badly, you’ll have to do it the old fashioned way by eating their food.

New Rule: Couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by their food.

New Rule: Ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some rightwingers decided to make ice cream to counter the lefties at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like Gun Nut, Plane Vanilla, and Smaller Govern-Mint. But these conservatives are missing the point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, but that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Thirteen years I stuck with Bill Maher through the good and the bad. He entertained me, he strengthened by talking points, and I felt more alive having watched his shows. But then…something happened. Again, maybe he was always an obnoxious person and I didn’t notice it until now, but over the past few years, he had gotten worse. He began to criticize millennials. He began to make transphobic arguments. He rallied against vaccines. He fat-shamed people in the name of “good health”. He did all of these things behind a mask of virtue. He marketed himself as a liberal hero even though he’s actually a capitalist libertarian. I hung on his every word because of that. If anyone else had said the things he did, I would have given up on them sooner. But coming from Bill Maher, I secretly hoped it was a one-time thing that we could disagree on.

But the god-awful remarks weren’t one-offs. They happened over and over again across multiple shows, sometimes in succession. I kept struggling to find counterpoints to his arguments, not because I was wrong in my beliefs, but because his disgusting shit was stressing me the fuck out. He called millennials lazy and entitled (therefore proving his own point that ageism is the last acceptable prejudice we have). He called fat people virgins who couldn’t see their own dicks. He said transgender athletes were ruining sports (even though the sports were already boring with or without their participation). He referred to Caitlyn Jenner by masculine pronouns. If I listed off all of Bill Maher’s sins against my ears, we’d be here forever and a day.

But one night in January 2019 made me turn off the TV forever. I can’t remember the exact date, but Bill Maher did a New Rules segment where he basically exploited Stan Lee’s death. In criticizing comic book fans, he said, “I’m not happy that he’s dead; I’m sad that you’re all alive.” He took the role of creative gatekeeper, denouncing genre fiction (sci-fi, fantasy, romance, etc.) and exalting literary fiction no matter how boring it was. In that one segment, Bill Maher took a big dump on everything that I love as a creative writer. He shamed nerds for being passionate about what they love and told them to, “Grow up.” After that segment was mercifully over, I tapped out. No more Bill Maher for me. My parents still watch him, but I don’t. I can’t associate myself with people who demand conformity from their audience.

Ever since I cut myself off from Bill Maher’s content, I’ve never been happier. Of course, there will be people who insist I watch his show anyways so that I can get new perspectives and strengthen my debating skills. But what’s the point of strengthening my debating skills if the other side won’t listen? Bill Maher criticizes millennials all the time for being unable to take a joke, yet here he is deflecting criticism himself. He’s against cancel culture, yet doesn’t mind canceling people who disagree with him. I purposefully avoid political debates with even my closest friends, because in the end, it’s not productive and only results in furious anger on both sides. I want to be open-minded, but I’m not sure people like Bill Maher want to do that themselves. Open-mindedness is a two-way street. If I have to listen to your bigoted garbage, you have to listen to my talking points too. If debate can’t be a two-way street for me, then I’ll turn it into a no-way street. How’s that?

Bill Maher influenced my sense of humor in the early days of his show. I don’t regret that. I also don’t regret leaving him for higher ground. There are so many great comedians and pundits out there. John Oliver is one of them and he’s on the same channel as Bill Maher, if you can believe that. He’s delightfully British, ridiculously funny, and has a healthy dose of self-awareness. What about The Young Turks? They’re not comedians, but their talking points are strong as hell, almost bulletproof. Their skin is so thick that they welcome debate because they know they can win. Samantha Bee? Not nearly as funny as John Oliver, but she’s entertaining all the same. You might have to go out of your way to find alternatives to Bill Maher, but they exist and you’ll be grateful you did.

So…I’m going to close this by saying goodbye one last time to one of my all-time favorite influences. Goodbye, Bill Maher. We’ve had a good run together. You used to be cool. But I don’t like the person you’ve become. I don’t expect you to change your ways anytime soon. No, I don’t want you to be canceled. You don’t have to lose your job over the things you’ve said. All I’ll ever ask from you is self-awareness. If you’re going to be a shitty person, admit it to your audience and don’t hide behind a mask of liberalism. You won’t do that, though, because you’re stuck in your ways. Maybe it’s a Boomer thing, I don’t know. I guess that makes ageism “the last acceptable prejudice we have”. Then again, you started that war, so don’t be upset when you’re the one who has to finish it. Goodbye. Goodbye and forever!

***QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It has been said, 'the truth will make men free.' The truth alone has never made anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.”

-Anton LaVey-

Already Dead

VERSE 1

Your comedic delivery fell on deaf ears

Loyal sheep were the only source of cheers

You exploited death just for a punch line

Shrugged your shoulders like it was all fine

You’re not funny, if you were, I would laugh

You used to be cool in the distant past

Now that my eyes are wide fucking open

I know what the hell a clichéd trope is

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

VERSE 2

You’d commit necrophilia just for a joke

Commit grave robbery to spite the woke

Keep your millionaire ass from going broke

Keep your career from going up in smoke

The ones who loved him want your head

You should be the one on your deathbed

You should be the one who is violated

You’re the only one who is overrated

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

BRIDGE

Heaven forbid we be entertained

Heaven forbid you use your brain

Heaven forbid you get off the hate train

Heaven forbid we’re absolved from shame

VERSE 3

You call us immature for our literary tastes

When it comes to autocracy, we’re to blame

I never knew until now you were full of shit

But you disguise your hatred as a comedy bit

I’m changing the channel to something better

While you’re looking for a safe space protector

You can dish it out, but can’t take the heat

Everybody knows you’re easy to defeat

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

FINAL LINE

Excelsior, motherfuckers!

Dark Phoenix

MOVIE TITLE: Dark Phoenix

DIRECTOR: Simon Kinberg

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Superhero Adventure

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

While the X-Men are performing a space mission to rescue astronauts from a spinning shuttle, telepath Jean Grey absorbs a fiery supernova into her body and becomes even more powerful than she already is. Before she has the chance to celebrate with her fellow mutants, her powers spin out of control and cost loved ones their lives. With the human world and some of her own X-Men turning against her, Jean struggles to find acceptance despite her godlike and lethal abilities. While she’s figuring herself out, an alien race known as the D’Bari want to harvest her powers so that they can rebuild the world they lost due to the supernova. Not a friend in the world can save her now.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m part of the minority that actually liked this movie. I know I’m on an island when it comes to Jean Grey’s character development and her extreme case of Impostor Syndrome. People are dying all around her and she (sometimes rightfully) believes it’s her own fault. She wants to do good things in a world that has a fragile relationship with mutants, but she hasn’t mastered her newfound powers yet and she can’t help herself when she gets explosive. Imagine having your own low self-esteem confirmed by pretty much everyone around you and there’s no evidence left to prove yourself wrong. That hurts. It hurts so much that normal people who watch this movie can relate to it (sans murder). Does someone out in the world still love Jean Grey? Does someone out in the world still love us all? I guess we’ll never know until the dead end.

An even more imperfect character is Professor Charles Xavier, owner of the mutant school that houses the X-Men. Comic book fans know him as the super intelligent, ultra wise leader who can solve any problem with his wits. But even he makes the gravest mistakes sometimes and he becomes just as much to blame as Jean Grey. Using the X-Men as a superhero taskforce was his idea to earn goodwill with the human race. Some mutants don’t want their lives risked in such a way and I can’t say I blame them. Yet I continued to feel heartbroken during Charles’s most downtrodden moments. I wanted him to redeem himself and show Jean Grey that someone out there still cares for her. Excellent performance by James McAvoy, the actor who played Charles Xavier.

Jean Grey and Charles Xavier aren’t the only characters in this movie that have valid points. All of the characters do from Beast to Storm to Magneto himself. If I remember correctly, this was one of the director’s goals for the film: everybody is right and a healthy debate among the audience is encouraged. This is the dictionary definition of a 3D character. Not even the villains will admit that they’re wrong. You’ll never see an X-Men character named Captain Evil or Kitten Stomper. You know why? Because just like in real life, we all like to believe that we’re the good guys despite our flaws.

I’m plainly aware of how much hate this film has gotten since its release. It holds a below thirty percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s even been called the worst movie of the X-Men franchise by many critics. But I don’t have a one-way ticket aboard the hate train. I came into the movie theater wanting to be entertained and that’s exactly what happened. I was so entertained that I considered giving this movie an Extra Credit grade during the ride home. But the reason it earned only a passing grade was because the social impact couldn’t compare to other great superhero movies like Black Panther and Wonder Woman. Otherwise, great job, Marvel!

Black Panther

MOVIE TITLE: Black Panther

DIRECTOR: Ryan Coogler

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Extra Credit

The secret African nation of Wakanda harvests a powerful mineral called vibranium and uses the unstable element as the basis for all of their technology. Part of their technological advancements include an impenetrable superhero suit for the king of Wakanda, T’Challa a.k.a. Black Panther. A mysterious black American soldier named Erik “Killmonger” Stevens wants the vibranium for himself so that he can carry out his own political agenda. The power struggle between Black Panther and Killmonger runs deeper than just superficial greed. Revenge, revolution, and altruism are at the heart of this battle in which loyalties will be tested on both sides of the equation.

The main reason this movie gets an extra credit grade is because of how strongly black people are portrayed. Representation matters, especially in a world where racism and classism governs every part of American life. The audience will love the Black Panther character for more reasons than just being a kick-ass superhero. There’s a struggle within him that’s more taxing than the physical battles he endures. He wants to be a good king to his people, but a small part of him wants to share his loyalty with the entire world despite protests from his own subjects. This dynamic between selfishness and altruism is something we all have to consider in our lives. We need to have empathy for each other if our world is going to know true peace and the director seems to agree with that sentiment. Blood begets more blood and love begets more love. Underneath all of the action-packed fight scenes, the truth resides, though some people aren’t ready to hear that truth, which is why we have the bloodbaths we have today.

But of course, if the power struggle is to be believed, then the villain must buy into his own hype and make a strong case for it. That’s exactly what Killmonger does and the actor’s portrayal of such is to be praised. Killmonger wants revenge on a world that looks down upon him with racist bigotry. He wants to overthrow entire governments just so he can flash a middle finger to the man. It goes to show that even in a superhero movie like this, there are shades of gray in between the two extremes. The audience actually has to think for themselves and decide what is right. I hate power hungry oligarchs as much as anybody, but do we need constant assassinations left and right? It’s easy to give into the dark side when anger becomes your driving force. Be better than that. I’m begging you.

No matter what side King T’Challa takes, he’s going to have to pay his dues with one hundred percent interest. Just because he’s a superhero, doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable to losing every now and then. Physical strength and godlike endurance can only take a man so far. It’s what’s on the inside that will bring him to any victories he needs. Anybody can throw a spear. Anybody can shoot a machinegun. But the real enemy must be conquered from within and that takes more strength than a bullet can provide. Some people don’t have that strength and they either meet an early death or they cross the moral event horizon themselves. Can Black Panther pass his own moral test? Buy a ticket and see for yourself.

In the same way that Wonder Woman was empowering to females, Black Panther is empowering for black people. While it’s nice to live vicariously through the titular superhero, it’s what we do in the real world that will make the biggest difference. What will you do to make a change? Will your actions be more powerful than a lead bullet? Will you become superhuman by virtue of your work towards a better day? Black Panther will steer you in the right direction and for that it gets an extra credit grade.

"Moon Knight, Vol. 1: Lunatic" by Jeff Lemire

BOOK TITLE: Moon Knight, Vol. 1: Lunatic

AUTHOR: Jeff Lemire

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Superhero

GRADE: Pass

Marc Specter wakes up in a corrupt mental hospital with no clue how he got there. He spent his previous life masquerading as vigilante superhero Moon Knight, but the abusive orderlies and condescending psychologist try to coerce him into believing he’s just a nut case who deserves to be locked up. With the help of several patients who believe his story, Moon Knight attempts to escape the hospital in order to complete a mission given to him by his head voices: to assassinate the Egyptian god Seth and bring his monstrous army to its knees.

The lines between reality and insanity are blurred so many times in this graphic novel that it’s hard to pick a side, which is a good way to challenge the reader and make him analyze what the hell is going on. On one hand, you want to believe that the Moon Knight is a real superhero and that he wants to do the right thing. On the other hand, there are times when the questions surrounding Moon Knight’s sanity are valid and reasonable. Even when this first volume comes to its end, the jury’s still out as to whether or not this is all madness. When you’re forced to draw your own conclusions, you’re officially engaged as a reader and you want to buy more volumes of this Moon Knight series to find out if your suspicions are correct. This first volume is the addictive bait and the proceeding chapters will lead you to bigger fish.

Whether you believe it’s insanity or not, you have to admit that the mental hospital staff are a bunch of corrupt bastards who have no business in the medical industry. The orderlies assault Moon Knight for no reason and strap him to the shock table whenever they damn well feel like it. The head psychologist is no better; the way she talks down to her patients breeds resistance to treatment rather than progression. This could be a political statement about how prisons and mental hospitals (which are really just prisons for crazy people) are all about profit and will do whatever they can to make more money by keeping their inmates locked up indefinitely. Being released into society does nothing, because the inmate will be so angry from his time under lockdown that he’ll commit more crimes and wind up back where he started. Imagine how refreshing it’ll be to see the orderlies and doctors get the stuffing beaten out of them and literally get a taste of their own medicine. Patience, my friends. Patience.

The final thing I have to admire about this graphic novel is that there’s a lot of creativity underneath the guise of insanity. When the orderlies, doctors, and other villains are portrayed as Egyptian monsters and the world portrayed as an apocalyptic desert, the reader can begin to understand why Moon Knight feels the way he does. People like to say that there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. If it means I can have all of this creative fuel for when I want to write a psychological fantasy story, then I don’t mind the insanity at all. I’d rather be crazy and wild than sedated and boring. The mental hospital represents all of the boring conformity the world has to offer. I wouldn’t mind watching that place burn to the ground in a future volume of Moon Knight. Creativity and artistic thinking are what make this world work. That’s why STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) should also include A (arts) to make it STEAM. So many statements in only a 124-page graphic novel.

Superhero fanatics will enjoy the action and fantasy elements of this beautifully crafted graphic novel. Psychology enthusiasts will also get a kick out of this despite their oozing hatred for the mental hospital staff. This isn’t just a nonstop ass-kicking rollercoaster; this is something to think long and hard about. I wouldn’t mind seeing this graphic novel as part of a college’s English curriculum. Lord knows there will be plenty of discussions surrounding that. A passing grade will go to this awesome piece of superhero fiction. A stunning debut for the Moon Knight franchise!

X-Men: First Class

MOVIE TITLE: X-Men: First Class

GENRE: Political Superhero Movie

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

In America, there are always two sides to every political battle: liberal vs. conservative, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, etc. In X-Men: First Class, a very different political battle takes place: between “normal” humans and mutants. All the mutants want is the same civil rights their “normal” counterparts are entitled to. Due to the mutants’ unstable superpowers, they haven’t been granted those rights and are often seen as second-class citizens.

If you take a peaceful and loving approach to mutant rights, you’ll want to side with the Martin Luther King, Jr. esque Professor Charles Xavier. If you want to stain your opponents in their own blood and filth, side with the Malcolm X esque Magneto. Despite being worlds apart in their approaches, Professor X and Magneto were at one point best friends. They needed each other’s friendship in the worst way in X-Men: First Class when they had to battle a powerful nemesis named Sebastian Shaw in an attempt to stop him from exploiting the Cuban Missile Crisis to further his evil agenda.

If you’re a sucker for political analogies melded into a superhero backdrop, X-Men: First Class is for you. The movie maintains a safe distance from the problems we face in the real world so that the audience can enjoy the movie without starting a riot. Those who wish to delve deeper into the movie’s meaning of social justice will also be satisfied. Or if you just want to watch a bunch of overpowered superheroes beat the shit out of each other, that’s fine too, there’s nothing wrong with that.

If you’ve seen other X-Men movies directed by Bryan Singer, then you’ll appreciate the extra effort he puts into making sure his storylines don’t contradict each other between movies. Mystique for example starts out as a beautiful human woman who only occasionally transforms into the scaly blue assassin we all know from the later movies. If you’re interested in knowing how she got that way, First Class will be happy to explain it to you. Same thing with The Beast. He starts out as a webbed foot scientist and later becomes the blue gorilla berserker we all know him to be today. No spoilers, you’ll have to watch the damn movie. Are you also curious as to why Professor X in the later movies rolls around in a wheel chair? What about where the name X-Men came from? Watch the damn movie.

This movie has everything a superhero fan could ever want: energy-tossing violence, a solid storyline that doesn’t falter or contradicts itself, a little bit of romance, a little bit of friendship, and a whole lot of interesting superpowers for these mutants to wield. Have you ever wanted to know how to win a fight with a teleporting demon? Have you ever wanted to know what will happen if a powerful mutant swallows a volcanic orb? Do you still think the ability to control metal and the ability to read minds will make you so godly that you can’t be beaten? There are no gods in this movie, only martyrs. But just because there are no gods, doesn’t mean an Armageddon flame shower isn’t possible. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis we’re talking about there, this is serious stuff. A mutant with a missile? God help us all.

A passing grade is what I give X-Men: First Class, along with any other X-Men movie in this canon. Well done, mutants. Wait a minute, did I just say “well done” in a conversation about fire? That was an accident, I swear to god, or the mutants who think they can play god.

Guardians of the Galaxy

TITLE: Guardians of the Galaxy

GENRE: Superhero Space Opera

RATING: PG-13 for hard language and sci-fi violence

GRADE: Pass

Ever since stealing a valuable treasure in the form of a power orb, space outlaw Peter Quill has had everyone after his ass from assassins to bounty hunters to gigantic space monsters. When a botched attempt on his life lands him and the rest of the main characters in a faraway prison, Peter Quill forms an uneasy alliance with his assassins and other quirky characters in order to break out and give the orb to safer hands.

Among Peter’s “friends” include a muscle-bound warrior named Drax, a slick assassin named Gamora, a raccoon bounty hunter named Rocket, and Rocket’s dryad partner in crime Groot. With these five combustible elements ready to snap each other’s necks at a moment’s notice, the main villain Ronan the Accuser should have no problem picking at the bones. Then again, he’s already a nearly indestructible ass-kicker, so that doubles the difficulty.

As to be expected with a superhero movie, there is a lot of combat. What amazes me about Guardians of the Galaxy is the variety in said combat scenes. Each of the five main characters bring something different to the table. Peter Quill can shoot a laser gun at his smaller opponents and outthink his bigger ones. Seeing as how Drax the Destroyer is played by WWE superstar Batista, it’s obvious he can rip the limbs off of even the biggest enemies like they were flies. Groot is the same way seeing as how he’s a big ass tree with muscular limbs and regenerative powers. Gamora is a quintessential martial artist with the way she spin kicks, spin elbows, and slashes everything in sight. And Rocket? Well, he’s just a little smartass who can easily frustrate his opponents into making a mistake. Five different styles against opponents of all shapes, sizes, and species. If they can get along, Ronan should be a piece of cake. That’s a huge if, by the way.

The creativity and vividness of this universe is also something that deserves my respect. The variety of races, weaponry, worlds, machinery, and ways to outsmart even the slickest opponents constitute a high level of creativity to me. The only similarities in this movie can be found in the yellow prison uniforms and prison guard machines. That’s about it. Every character has individuality and everything has a reason to be noticed. Whether you’re shooting lightning, glowing with a strangely-colored aura, or dripping on the floor with your disgusting goop, finding your niche as a Guardians of the Galaxy character isn’t hard to do. Our differences will bring us together, not drive us apart.

Which brings me to the third reason why this movie gets a passing grade: the friendship that develops between the five unlikely allies. It is a slowly forming relationship. They start out hating and distrusting each other and toward the end they get used to each other. While getting used to each other isn’t the same as friendship, one can easily lead to the other, especially if lives are on the line and are saved with efficiency. It seems like a cliché trope to put in a movie, but it’s one that has a lot of truth. It’s the reason why Asheville, North Carolina is the most liberal city of the normally red state: because different races and ideas get mixed in and the citizens are forced to get along.

Guardians of the Galaxy leaves no stone unturned when it comes to combat, storylines, visuals, and relationships. It’s what I like to call a complete movie. Even the beginning of the story, where a young Peter Quill is taken away from his cancer-stricken mother by aliens, has a solution to it near the end that nobody saw coming. If you’re in the mood for a great adventure and an even greater story, see this movie. I’ve said enough about it already, so no more spoilers. Buy a movie ticket, you cheap bastards.