Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul

BOOK TITLE: Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover’s Soul

AUTHORS: Various

YEAR: 1998

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Animal Shorts

GRADE: B

This book was published in the late 90’s and over two decades later, it has come into my life to comfort me with cute and cuddly animal stories. We all need stories like these during the 2020’s. We need to hear about German Shepherds who not only detect bombs in a war zone, but also comfort the soldiers during times of stress. We crave stories about dogs who repay a doctor’s kindness by protecting him from angry hyenas. Even those who never considered owning a python for a pet will have their hearts melted at the story of one bringing love and joy to a child with muscular dystrophy. Animals of all kinds are welcome into this collection of stories as long as they warm hearts quicker than a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The book should get an A+ just for that alone.

But the reason it gets a B today is because some of these stories have not aged well, which is an unfortunate consequence of publishing media in the 1990’s. There’s a story that glorifies selling baby horses to the circus, which as we know now is not a healthy environment for any animal due to their abusive treatment. Okay, maybe information was limited back then. There’s another story that glorifies pet shops, which we now know where they get their animals from: mills. Again, maybe not a whole lot was known about pet shop practices back in the day. However, there’s one story told by Gilda Radner about her on and off again relationship with Gene Wilder. In response to Gene finally pulling the plug on their relationship, Gilda’s dog eats a bunch of rat poison and suddenly Gene is convinced to return to a marriage he never wanted. This is passed off as cutesy-wutesy, but if this happened in a Jamie McGuire or Anna Todd novel, people would rightfully be upset. The optics aren’t very good here, but it’s not enough for me to judge the book too harshly.

And then there are stories dedicated to saying goodbye to our beloved babies which are heartbreaking in their own way, but the optics are much better by comparison. This is the good kind of pain, where your faith in owning animals is restored despite the deaths. While the writing style of these stories overall could be described as beige prose, they are very effective in making the reader cry as painfully as the characters being presented. I came very close to doing that several times in this section of the book. It can’t all be rainbows and sunshine, even in a book with Chicken Soup in the title. Death is the price of love. It’s something all pet owners will have to come to grips with. These gentle stories will gladly help you along your journey through a difficult time. See? I told you I couldn’t judge the book too harshly.

One more thing I’d like to touch on is how these stories feel complete despite their brevity. Usually with nonfiction writing, anecdotal storytelling is the norm. But in these stories, you’ve got character development, a plot arc, a beginning, a middle, and an end. One example of this is a story about a bitter wheelchair user named Corey, who was permanently paralyzed after a brutal car accident, which left him without a baseball career. But he found new life again when he sought the comfort of animals. In that short space, he went from a whiny jerk to an understanding and empathetic person with a new lease on life. Corey’s story isn’t the only one that does this. There’s another about a grumpy father who becomes less grumpy at the presence of an old dog. This even encourages him to make new friends at church and fully realize his character arc. How cool is that?

There’s something for everybody in this collection of short stories, despite the glaring flaws. Maybe you’re reluctant about adopting a pet and need some convincing. I’m sure this book will do just that for you. Maybe you need to rest easy after an animal-related hardship. Guess what? This book is here for you. Don’t even worry about the Christian overtones if you’re not religious; it doesn’t come off as forceful or heavy-handed. By all means, cuddle up with your favorite creature and read until it’s over. I give this collection of sweetness a B grade. Not bad at all! In fact, you’ll love it to pieces!

Oswald

I see you everyday sleeping your life away

Losing time again, can’t convince you to stay

Your legs are so weak you can’t stand up

Is this your way of saying you’ve had enough?

I’ll miss you dearly on the day that you pass

I’ll miss your chubby belly, so much mass

I’ll miss you rolling over on your back

I’ll miss you munching on a chicken snack

Miss your precious face, expressions so sweet

Miss your pretty eyes, close them as you sleep

The Rainbow Bridge is waiting for you

Make lots of friends for me, old and new

I hope your life was one worth living

My love for you was well worth giving

One of these days, we’ll cross paths again

Even in death, you’ll be my sweetest friend

Until next time, my Buddha-bellied feline

Until next time, my little oinking swine

Soon you will be free of your elderly pain

You’ll be missed so much, our eyes will rain

Losing fuzzy friends never gets easier

Reincarnate one day into someone beefier

"If Only You Knew How Much I Smell You" by Roy Blount, Jr. and Valerie Shaff

BOOK TITLE: If Only You Knew How Much I Smell You: True Portraits of Dogs

AUTHORS: Roy Blount, Jr. (text) and Valerie Shaff (photography)

YEAR: 1998

GENRE: Picture Book with Poetry

SUBGENRE: Dog Portraits

GRADE: Extra Credit

It’s not often that I give perfect five out of five grades to whatever I’m reading at the time. When I finally do, you know it’s a special occasion. You know that the book touched my heart in some special way or changed the way I think about the world. This picture book did the former of those two. Sure, you’ll always win me over with precious puppy-duppy pictures. But these aren’t just ordinary snapshots of dogs. They’re expressive. They’re artistic. Valerie Shaff takes special care when selecting which ones go in the book. Some of the dogs have pouty expressions. Others are playing outside. Even the simple act of lying on the couch is enough to touch the coldest of human souls. These are the sweeties we’ve come to know and love throughout our many years of owning dogs. You want to reach through the pages and give hugs and belly rubs to these precious critters. But alas, this book was published in 1998 and many years have passed since then, which means these pups have crossed the Rainbow Bridge. By the looks of these photos, you can tell that the time they spent on this earth was well-lived. That’s really all we can do in the end: give these doggos the best life they can possibly have.

But of course, Valerie Shaff’s excellent photography is just one half of this formula. You also have the simple, yet effective poetry of Roy Blount, Jr. to accompany these beautiful pictures. These poems make the dogs come off as sweethearted and lovable rather than diva-like and spicy. They do have their diva moments, but those moments don’t overstay their welcome. There’s also a little bit of toilet humor, but it too doesn’t overstay its welcome. The one poem that really hit me the hardest was the one about the owner going off to college and the dog assuming that the would-be student is dead. This poem is accompanied by a sad expression on the dog’s face and rightfully so. This gave me war flashbacks of going to study at Western Washington University and being depressed all the time about not being able to see my animal babies. The rules of my dorm room specifically stated that pets weren’t allowed, so that hit me even harder. In the introduction to this book, Roy wonders what kinds of thoughts his dogs have and what rhythm they would use to express those thoughts. I’d say he got them down perfectly, no questions asked.

Everyone could use a little sweetness in their lives, but this book goes the extra mile in securing that sweetness for potential readers. Valerie Shaff and Roy Blount, Jr. didn’t just create a photo album; they created art. This is the kind of representation that precious puppies need, especially when it comes to adopting them from shelters (don’t shop, adopt). This book does a good job of building up older doggies as well, which is important since they need love just as much as their younger counterparts. Like I said earlier, five out of five stars is what this book gets. That’s a lot of “aww’s”!

"Fight" by K.L. Cottrell

BOOK TITLE: Fight

AUTHOR: K.L. Cottrell

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Urban Fantasy

GRADE: Extra Credit

When last we left the Light Force, a new breed of enemy from the Dark World was next in line to bring chaos and destruction to this world: the Tatts. Inked up magic users along with their demonic brethren the Hellions have made life miserable for those who don’t conform to their evil agenda. Marienne and Gabe, along with the rest of the Light Force, refuse to go down without a fight. They have the tools, they have the know-how, but most importantly, they have each other and will do anything to protect what is sacred in their lives. There will be blood and death, but there will also be victories and love. Who will survive in this classic clash between good and evil?

Yes, this book is about slaying monsters. Yes, there’s a lot of violence. Despite it all, however, this book maintains a positive vibe from the beginning to the end. The way the Light Force treats each other is refreshing to anybody who wants a break from the drill sergeant mentality so prevalent in fantasy and sci-fi fiction. Don’t get me wrong, I love a dark story as much as the next sicko, but even I need a breath of fresh air every now and then. This book delivers on that front and so much more. You can create conflict in a novel without having your beloved good guys constantly at each other’s throats. The author proves that over and over again. The Light Force isn’t just a group of likeminded people. They’re family. They’re friends. They’re lovers. They’re everything they need each other to be…except Rafe, who’s a total jerk.

As long as we’re keeping the positive vibes going, let’s talk for a bit about the romance between our two narrators, Gabe and Marienne. I’ve read a lot of novels in my day with romantic subplots and I can safely say that these two are my favorite couple, hands down, end of story. They’ve got more chemistry than a periodic table. They can kiss and be physical with each other without being hokey. They’re equal to each other in terms of respect given and how well they perform in fights with Hellions and Tatts. Everything that can go right in this relationship does go right…and I love it to pieces! You know who else I can love as a couple? Wes and Beatrix, who are just as lovey-dovey and just as respectful to each other as Gabe and Marienne. I’m feeling giddy even as I write this review!

But with every hero, there are villains waiting in the wings to bring the happiness to a grinding halt. Though not technically a villain, Marienne’s ex-boyfriend Rafe is painful to read about due to his obnoxious and jealous behavior (which makes me wonder why he’s not secretly a Hellion or a Tatt). Claire, Marienne’s sister, has always been nasty and malicious with her salty dialogue and newly acquired demonic tone. If there’s one villain you have to look out for more than others, it’s Leuan Cain, Tatt billionaire. Yes, he has dark magic and fighting abilities equaled by nobody, but that’s not what’s scary about him. He’s scary because he’s charming to ordinary people. He gives civilians hope and love and in return they give him their free will. He’s a typical politician without ever once landing a position in the White House. In the same way Donald Trump appeals to white nationalists, Cain appeals to the weak and frail. That is one way to make a villain believable and formidable at the same time.

I could go on and on about how much I love K.L. Cottrell’s Light series. I could make a laundry list of reasons why this book in particular deserves five out of five stars, a grade I don’t give out so freely. But when you finally pick up a copy of this novel, it’ll all become clear to you in a heartbeat. You feel the love and positivity right away with the opening speech about our fights in life. You want to be best friends with everybody in the Light Force (except for Rafe). You want to see Cain and other villains get their comeuppance by the time the third novel in this series is over. Those things by themselves are enough to convince me to give any book five stars. But together? Oh man!

I Love My Dog

CHORUS

I love my dog X4

VERSE 1

Schipperke, sweetie pea, fluffy love for me

Fur child, jungle wild, energetic style

Tiny puppy, little chubby, man’s best buddy

Barge dog, he’s the boss, barks like he’s God

CHORUS

I love my dog X4

VERSE 2

Butt rubs, back rubs, bath time scrubs

Slice of ham, rack of lamb, feed the little man

Comfy bed, rest his head, after he’s been fed

Spoil him, pamper him, joyous to the brim

BRIDGE

His name is Willem and he’s my baby

You can pet him too, for sure, not maybe

You can love him, he’s sweeter than candy

A bacon cheeseburger will come in handy

A bowl of cereal will earn his friendship

A permanent home will make it endless

But watch out for his hyperactive spark

He’s so happy that he’ll infinitely bark

CHORUS

I love my dog X4

"Familiars" by Fred Chappell

BOOK TITLE: Familiars

AUTHOR: Fred Chappell

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Poetry

SUBGENRE: Cats

GRADE: Mixed

Prior to reading this lovely collection of kitty poetry, I (tried to) read another book by Fred Chappell, a novel called A Shadow All of Light. I had to DNF it because the purple prose and archaic vocabulary slowed the reading pace down. Luckily, I was able to complete Familiars all the way through despite it also using flowery descriptions that left me confused. Most of the time, these descriptions worked to the poems’ benefit. Who wouldn’t want to see kitties with their tails curled prettily around them? Who wouldn’t want to see precious fluff balls snuggling up with their elderly masters? Who wouldn’t want to hear about cats going on neighborhood adventures in search of mice to hunt or other kitties to play with? You’ll get all of that and more in this book. The one poem that really got my attention was the one about the old man who wanted to bag up his cats and throw them in the river. He was so cranky and coldhearted that it was a relief to see that he was the one who got tossed in the river instead of the precious fur babies. Truth is, there isn’t a bad poem in this book as long as you have some semblance of understanding of the oftentimes flowery language. A lot of it flew over my head and that’s why I’m giving this book a mixed grade instead of a passing one. Despite the glaring flaws, I enjoyed the book for what it was. The cats were presented as deities and divas, so that’s always a plus. I feel the same way about my own cat Emilio, who sleeps comfortably on my soft warm beddy-bye. Aww!

"Where's My Kitty?" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Where’s My Kitty?

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Children

GRADE: Pass

Little Kassidy is playing outside and would love to have a furry friend to share her adventures. But she keeps asking, “Where’s my kitty?” She looks in all of the usual places from the forest to the bathtub to even his favorite spot on the living room couch. Where could the little munchkin be?

Because this book is short by nature, this review will also be a brief one. First of all, I’ll just say…aww! Actually, you’re going to be saying that throughout this reading adventure. The pictures of little Spunky (the cat) are adorable and it’s easy to see why Kassidy would want to snuggle and play with the fur baby sweetheart. Not only does she want to know, “Where’s my kitty?”, but you’ll want to know too. You’ll wish you could give the fuzzy rug-rat pettings behind the ear and across his back. You’ll wish you could hear his purr motor revving in your ear. You’ll wish you could see the look on Kassidy’s cheerful baby face when she finds him. I’d warn you about that spoiler, but you saw it coming from miles away. This is an all-around cute book and that’s what you should expect when you pick up a copy.

Although the book was published in 2016, it was written when the real-life Kassidy was just a toddler. Since then, Spunky has passed to the Rainbow Bridge and Kassidy has won her battle with childhood leukemia. This book, as short as it may be, is a wonderful tribute to a wonderful love between child and kitty. Spunky is purring from beyond the grave, which is why I’m giving this book a passing grade. You’ve done your daughter proud, Ms. Uzzell!

Italian Stallion

Let’s bookend this crazy twenty-eighteen

With the cutest fuzz ball you’ve ever seen

The sweetest old man to walk the earth

The reason for my happiness and rebirth

His name is Emilio, the Italian Stallion

Bouncy like Tigger, sleepy like Valium

His interests include cuddling and snuggling

Whether I’m happy with life or struggling

The year before, three fur babies passed

I never thought it could happen so fast

Maggie the saggy-jowled Springer Spaniel

Watching her die was more than I could handle

Sitka was a kitty called the Queen of Halloween

Now her spiritual essence will forever fly free

Smokey loved to sleep on my comfy bed

Now she permanently rests her fuzzy head

While nobody could replace these beautiful souls

Somebody had to patch up my heart full of holes

Emilio the sweetie pie would come to my aid

Though at first he was timid, lonely, and afraid

It took some pettings and cradles in my arms

No longer would he come into danger or harm

Safe from the streets, cozy under my roof

Love is very real and Emilio is living proof

May he spend his days happy and relaxed

To a homeless life, he’ll never ever go back

Welcome to my home, welcome to my bed

Feel free to rest your fluffy old kitty head

Valentine's Day Comes Early

***VALENTINE’S DAY COMES EARLY***

I’ve got to be honest with you guys. My past few blog entries have been rife with negativity and that’s not who I want to be. With Valentine’s Day only a month and a half away, my heartache will only get worse. But we’re not going to spend that special occasion pining over stupid shit. We’re going to celebrate VD (in January) by playing one of my favorite games of all time. It’s America’s game, but it ain’t Squeal of Fortune or Geo-Parody. This game is called…ARE…YOU….SHIPPING…ME?! And now, here are the stars of our special game: Pat Sajak and Vanna White! Actually, Pat Sajak can get the fuck off the stage, but I’ll gladly keep Vanna around. Hehe!

If you’re not familiar with the rules of this game, don’t worry, because I’ve got them right here. Create a roster of as many fictional characters as you want, but I recommend an equal balance of females and males. Randomly select two names from that list and discuss their potential as a couple. Pay no mind to gender preferences or gender identities, because under these rules, anybody can be a couple with anybody. You’ll get some odd combinations before you get any that actually make sense. Maybe they don’t even have to be a romantic couple. Maybe they’re just platonic? Or family? Or tag team partners? Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight! I assembled my roster using my Read list from Good Reads. There are twenty names on this list, so that means there’ll be ten couples.

1. Arnold Spirit (“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie)
2. Bob (“A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen)
3. Chris Jericho (Former WWE wrestler who wrote three memoirs)
4. Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
5. Evan McGann (“The Blade Itself” by Marcus Sakey)
6. Gloria Cavalera (“My Bloody Roots” by Max Cavalera)
7. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons comic books)
8. Jack Tagger (“Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen)
9. Joker (Batman comic books)
10. Kat Colorado (“Alley Kat Blues” by Karen Kijewski)
11. Kelly Carlin (George Carlin’s daughter and author of “A Carlin Home Companion”)
12. Piper (“The Blood Files” by Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor)
13. Polly Duncan (“Cat Who” series by Lilian Jackson Braun)
14. Saber (“The Benevolent Slayers” by Marie Krepps)
15. Sleeping Beauty (“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” by Anne Rice)
16. The Hunter (Andy Peloquin’s books)
17. Trevor’s Mother (“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah)
18. Tuna (“Chomp” by Carl Hiaasen)
19. Unemployed Man (“The Adventures of Unemployed Man” by Gan Golan and Erich Origen)
20. Viola (“Child of the Night Guild” by Andy Peloquin)

Let’s spin the wheel and win some fabulous prizes! I’d like to buy an R, Pat! Oh wait, I already told you to fuck off. Never mind!

***JACK TAGGER X KAT COLORADO (TAGGERADO)***

Well, what do you know? Our first randomly assembled couple actually makes at least a wee bit of sense! Jack and Kat are both investigators in their respective novels, though Jack is a journalist and Kat is a private detective. Age difference aside, these two could actually help each other through their cases. They’re both witty, smart as hell, sarcastic, and can get the job done no matter how hard the odds are stacked against them. They’re also faithful lovers, so there’s no worry about them breaking up too soon. Yes, this is perfect! This is beautiful! THIS…IS…LOVE!

***THE HUNTER X BOB (BUNTER)***

Okay, I was not expecting this, which was dumb on my part. Hehe! We’ve got a ruthless contract killer and a stray cat who just wants to laze around the space heater. Would The Hunter even have the time to take care of an uncontrollable pet with his merciless killing schedule? Better question is, would he have the heart to do it? Does he respect animals or would he use Bob to feed his Blood Hunger dagger? You would think that because cats are stealthy, they would make good partners in crime for slick rogues like The Hunter. But no…not Bob. Bob just wants to cuddle and lay about. Not good for business.

***DR. MANHATTAN X TUNA (MANHATTUNA)***

Nope, nope, nope, absolutely fucking not. Dr. Manhattan is a billion years old and Tuna is a teenaged girl. No nookie for them! A father-daughter relationship, on the other hand, is a little more realistic. Tuna, in her story, wants to get as far away from her abusive father as possible, lest she get another black eye, or worse. Who better to tell the father to fuck off than a nuclear superhero who can manipulate atoms ever so magically? Jared (the father) wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance. I don’t care how drunk and trigger happy he is; he’s no match for superhero brutality. In addition to providing protection, Dr. Manhattan’s wisdom can also be an educational experience for young Tuna Gordon. I can’t think of a better way to complete childhood!

***POLLY DUNCAN X TREVOR NOAH’S MOTHER (DUNCOAH)***

Maybe not as a lesbian romance, but as best friends, this would actually make sense. Both of them are voracious readers, highly educated, and hardworking. Mrs. Noah could find some peace in Pickaxe County, away from her abusive ex-husband Abel in South Africa. At least Polly Duncan has kitties. I’ll take a comfy kitty over a wife-beater any day of the week. But the question now becomes, how would Mrs. Noah and Polly find common ground religiously? Mrs. Noah is extremely religious while Polly’s faith isn’t well established in the Cat Who books. Would they clash over that or would they find other common ground, such as good books and good food? I want to believe these two would get along just fine…so that’s the conclusion I’ll come to!

***PIPER X ARNOLD SPIRIT (SPIPER)***

Let’s see…how would a love sick Native American teenager get along with a vampire seductress? Not very well, I would assume. Sure, Arnold would be desperate to find love after all the trauma he endured on the reservation, but would he have at least a shred of wisdom to keep his distance from Piper? I don’t know, man. Hormones can be a fickle bitch. Testicular chemicals can make a kid do crazy shit. Anything to get away from the reservation, right? It’s like choosing between death and Unga-Bunga. Get bullied by older kids or get drained and force fucked by Piper and her vampire cohorts. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

***CHRIS JERICHO X VIOLA (JERICHOLA)***

Good god almighty, another adult/teenager couple? Really? In order for this to work, they’d have to be tag team partners and not lovers. Throughout his wrestling career, Chris Jericho has been both a babyface (hero) and heel (villain). He prefers to be a villain and Viola has been brainwashed into being a cutthroat thief. Yep, these two would snatch Tag Team Championship gold in no time at all. I may have stopped watching WWE, but I still know who the Tag Team Champs on both Raw and Smackdown are and neither of them stand a chance against Jerichola, which sounds like the name of a delicious soft drink. Bobby Roode wouldn’t stop saying “Glorious!” all the time. Chad Gable would be too busy finishing Bobby’s catch phrase for him. And Sheamus and Cesaro? Fucking forget it, man! A multi-decade wrestler like Jericho and a stealthy thief like Viola have money written all over them, whether they pickpocket it or earn it by winning matches.

***EVAN MCGANN X SLEEPING BEAUTY (MCBEAUTY)***

Talk about a one-sided, abusive, toxic relationship in the making! Evan McGann is a manipulative criminal with muscles on top of muscles and a psychotic streak a mile long. Sleeping Beauty is a sex slave by nature, having been attached to whoever gives her the kiss that wakes her up. In her story, it’s not a kiss, but a fuck that wakes her up. You think a sick freak like Evan would pass up on that opportunity? Not a chance. The idea of McBeauty makes me want to spit up, which is weird because the couple name sounds like a burger at a fast food restaurant. I should be eager to eat McDonald’s food! But not this kind. This relationship is more poisonous than the pink slime they put in McNuggets.

***THE JOKER X HOMER SIMPSON (HOKER)***

These two don’t have a prayer on planet earth of getting along as a couple, let alone as partners in crime. The Joker would be busy formulating an intricate plot to kill Batman while Homer would be stupidly messing things up, by virtue of his clumsiness or his endless appetite. If The Joker baked a batch of poisoned cookies for Bruce Wayne’s business conference, Homer would eat them. All of them. And he wouldn’t die from it, but he’d shit out Joker gas and put permanent grins on everyone. This…(sigh)…This’ll never work. Ever.

***SABER X KELLY CARLIN (CARLABER)***

A badass sorceress and a badass comedienne? Oh, this is fucking perfect! You talk about girl power? You talk about strong female characters? These two bitches are unstoppable! They’ve got quick wit, unbreakable spirits, and enough emotional baggage to get each other through the hardest times. They’ll have their ups and downs, but as long as they have each other, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. Maybe they can sit around together and listen to old George Carlin routines while laughing their asses off. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than that! They can also even each other out since Saber is the hothead and Kelly is the calmer one (she practices Zen). Plus, Carlaber sounds like they’re doing something good for the economy! It’s perfect! It’s fucking perfect!

***GLORIA CAVALERA X UNEMPLOYED MAN (UH…I GOT NOTHING)***

The wife of a heavy metal icon and a superhero who preaches personal responsibility? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? What could go right is Unemployed Man finally finding a job as a roadie for Soulfly. If he’s so fucking responsible, he should be able to ace that job no problem. Or maybe structural unemployment isn’t as simplified as everyone’s making it out to be. Maybe there are outside forces at work. Maybe…just maybe…the system is rigged? Max Cavalera has been telling you that shit for years, but did Unemployed Man listen? Obviously not.

***CONCLUSION***

This is Charlie O’Donnell’s dead body speaking. Are You Shipping Me is produced by Merv Griffin and distributed by Charles King, both of whom are also necromantic spirits haunting Garrison Kelly’s blog. Even when you feel like dying (on Valentine’s Day), keep climbing the mountain, bitches!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I like to eat my friends and make no bones about it. I like to eat my friends, I wouldn’t do without it. Ain’t a man or poet, friend, I know just how you’ll taste. Your limbs go sliding down my throat and never go to waste. Your death of course will sadden me until I drop your essence. I know your life was not in vain when digestion is commencing. Consider this a celebration and the deepest pact of friends. I hope that you will dine on me when I come to an end. Even friends may come to you with a newfound revelation. But think of it as life renewed and not the termination. “To know you is to eat you” should be the code of lovers. Death brings the highest act of love reserved for one another. People say that what you are is only what you eat. My friends become a part of me, it’s then that life’s complete. To know you is to eat you, the act of love supreme. Each one of us inside himself can appetize the dream.”

-The Police singing “Friends”-

"The Dogist" by Elias Weiss Friedman

BOOK TITLE: The Dogist

AUTHOR: Elias Weiss Friedman

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Picture Book

SUBGENRE: Dog Photography

GRADE: Pass

Aptly subtitled Photographic Encounters with 1,000 Dogs, these precious puppy-duppies are featured in a variety of categories and not just in terms of breed. Some of these categories include ears, toys, heavyweights, smiles, and close-ups to name a few. Every single picture in this book will put a smile on your face and make you say “aww” until the very last page. You’ll wish that you can reach through the pictures and scratch them behind the ears or rub their bellies. These aren’t just cute doggies: they’re photogenic supermodels!

Of all the categories in this book, my favorite has to be the pit bulls, some of which include dogs that were rescued from Michael Vick’s fighting circuit. Seeing these precious creatures in a positive and cuddly light goes a long way in dispelling the aggressive stereotypes surrounding pit bulls. Sure, they’re used for fighting, but they only fight out of loyalty to their owners (and also because their owners are sociopathic jerks). The more awareness we can raise for this breed, the better off they’ll be. It’s especially important because there are cities around the world where pit bulls are banned and will be put to sleep if they’re seen in those territories. We can do better than this, people! We have to!

Another favorite category of mine (though it’s unofficial in this book) is saggy jowled dogs. I always have a soft spot for puppies with saggy jowls, because they remind me of a dog I once had named Maggie, who was a Springer Spaniel/Bassett Hound mix. Wiggling jowls and watching them bounce is the cutest, most heartwarming experience I can imagine. Pit bulls and bulldogs are especially notorious for having extra cheek and they really got my “aww” motor going. And while we’re at it, let’s include floppy ears into that same category as well. They’re not ears; they’re puppy wings! And yes, Maggie had floppy ears too and I always loved to flap them up and down.

There isn’t one bad picture in this whole book. Then again, that’s to be expected when encountering dogs in the real world: every puppy-duppy is special and they all deserve the love that they get. The relationship between human and dog is a therapeutic one that will bring infinite happiness to both sides. Flipping through these well-done photographs makes me believe in the power of doggy love all over again. Does a passing grade sound good to everybody here? I thought so!

Skin On Skin

VERSE 1

A squeeze of her shoulder, a ruffle of her hair

Let her know that you’ll always be there

A scratch of her back, a hold of her hand

Comfort your lover any way that you can

A kiss of her face, the gentlest of hugs

Gets her high like the strongest of drugs

It’s better than spending another minute alone

No such connection can be found on your phone

CHORUS

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

VERSE 2

I know you’re scared, somewhat unprepared

I know it’s not fair when it’s truth or dare

I know you think what you touch turns to ash

I know that mirror is all but yours to smash

What do you do when she calls your name?

Walk away? It’s just like more of the same?

What do you do when she wants your touch?

Can you find it within you to love and trust?

CHORUS

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

VERSE 3

Take a walk together on the beach’s dockside

Lose track of the time as it passes clockwise

You can talk for hours on what love truly is

Sooner or later, she’ll want to sneak a kiss

Will you curl on the ground as your heart pounds?

Or will you listen to her voice’s sweet sounds?

Make the right call, your back’s against the wall

When it comes to love, how hard will you fall?

CHORUS

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

Skin on skin is never a sin

Her heart is yours to win

"A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" by Jill Twiss

BOOK TITLE: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo

AUTHOR: Jill Twiss

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Children’s Book

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the stuffiest room in the white house, there lived Marlon Bundo, a lovable bunny rabbit whose grandpa is the dull and boring Vice President Mike Pence. Feeling lonely in his little room, Marlon hops out into the garden and meets another beautiful male bunny named Wesley. The two rabbits fall in love and decide to get married so that they can hop everywhere forever. The only thing stopping them is the strict rule of Mr. Stink Bug (an obvious Mike Pence parody), who says that boy bunnies can only marry girl bunnies. Only when the creatures of the garden come together for a democratic vote can Marlon and Wesley show Mr. Stink Bug that love trumps hate.

If you’re a regular viewer of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver like I am, you’ll know exactly why this book was published: to screw with hard-right homophobe Mike Pence. Anytime that the LGBT community gets to shine its brightest colors is a good day for the world at large. There’s too much bullying and hatred against these poor folks, so any victory they achieve in the name of social justice should be celebrated. What better way to celebrate than with a cute and cuddly gay wedding between two sweethearted bunny-pies?

Speaking of things that are cute and cuddly, that’s another aspect of this book that will earn critical acclaim. Your smile will get bigger and goofier when you see Wesley and Marlon hopping around together like sweet little bunnies should. The other garden animals from the puppy-duppy to the turtle will also steal your heart. And then when the wedding finally happens, you’ve got little mice and porcupines dressed up in their Sunday best, which always looks adorable. You’ll be saying “aww” throughout the entire book. Not even the inner ugliness of Mr. Stink Bug will ruin your experience because once again, love trumps hate and his hateful ways won’t last forever.

So now that we’ve got our LGBT pride and cuteness nailed down, the only other thing to discuss is how important democracy is, since it plays a vital role in the book’s ending. I know there are times when democracy seems dead as a doornail. I know we don’t always like our choices between candidates. I know the people in power like to make voting difficult for the less fortunate. I know it seems like elections can be bought and sold like Wal-Mart goodies. But just like in this book, the power of your vote is more urgent now than it has ever been. If you don’t vote, the Mr. Stink Bugs of the world will.

One hundred percent of the profits from this book will be donated to LGBT charities specializing in suicide prevention and AIDS research. Even if you don’t have children of your own, you’ll still enjoy this book to its fullest extent for all of the reasons I’ve listed above. If on the other hand you do have children, let them know that being different is okay and should be celebrated rather than feared. Nobody is truly alone in this world despite the negative pressure dictating otherwise. An extra credit grade will go to this beautifully crafted book with a positive message and cuddly characters.

Don't Wake the Baby

VERSE 1

Dreaming of scratches behind her ears

Sleeping on my bed for the rest of her years

Such a sweet little fuzzy lady

Shh! Don’t wake the baby!

VERSE 2

Dreaming of a buffet table of tuna fish

A quart of milk in her favorite dish

Is this reality? Well, just maybe

Shh! Don’t wake the baby!

VERSE 3

Dreaming of gentle warmth from the heater

Drooling like a fountain, her dreams get sweeter

A kitty kiss on the cheek is what she gave me

Shh! Don’t wake the baby!

FINAL VERSE

Waking up to a brand new day

Only to fall asleep again anyways

She needs every hour of beauty rest

Her forever home is truly the best

She gives me the biggest goofy grin

Every time I scratch her under the chin

She purrs like the sweetest kitty lady

Shh! Don’t wake the baby!

Jesse

She was so far away, yet she was so close to me

Smell her perfume through the computer screen

Touch her silky skin through the keyboard

A plane ticket was something I couldn’t afford

We were young, in love, and without a dollar

Somehow I found a way to long distance call her

Every email laced with sugary vocabulary

Her golden heart was my only sanctuary

She was the first to be worthy of my love

I called her my angel from the heavens above

But with those wings, she flew away from me

Jesse never came back, not even in my dreams

We never had the chance to say goodbye

I never had the chance to ask her why

I never had the chance to chase her around

I felt stupid for falling for her like a clown

You could call it dopamine or testosterone

But she was the reason I never felt alone

You could call it heartbreak or depression

But this will be her one and only mention

"Winter Wishes of the Heart" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Winter Wishes of the Heart

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fictional Short Stories

SUBGENRE: Winter Love

GRADE: Pass

If you’re looking for four short stories that will warm your insides like a cup of hot chocolate, you’ve found the right book. They’re short and sweet, emphasis on sweet. Whether it’s Christmas, New Years, or Valentine’s Day, you’ll always have the wonderful writing of Ashley Uzzell by your side. Grab a fuzzy kitty, wrap yourself in a blanket, and light the fireplace: you’re in for a nice cozy evening.

Of all four stories, my personal favorite has to be Round Table Chant. This one’s about an anxiety patient named Herbie who feels obligated to go to a Christmas party despite the triggers of being around strange people. Mental illnesses are a favorite topic of mine to read about, especially in stories where the sufferer conquers his demons in the end. We need more lovable characters like Herbie in today’s books. Representation matters. It matters a lot. Mentally ill people shouldn’t be ashamed of who they are or the demons that try to hold them down. If anybody’s writing can put this group of people at ease and make them feel powerful, it’s Ashley Uzzell’s. While I won’t give away the ending, rest assured that this story will warm your heart like a bowl of clam chowder. I’d even dare say Round Table Chant deserves its own novel.

That’s not to devalue the other three stories, because they too are just as cute and cuddly to read about. If you want shy guy romance, read David’s Gift. If you want body positivity, try Emily’s Valentine. If you want a brotherly love, get started on What We Built. There’s something for everybody in this collection of short stories. If you don’t personally relate to one thing, you’ll relate to the next. Winter holidays are inclusive of everybody, just like Ashley Uzzell herself. It matters not if you’re rich or poor, young or old, happy or sad: you’ve got a place in her audience if you want to come in from the cold.

Ashley Uzzell knocks it out of the park yet again. Then again, she kind of has a reputation for doing just that. In all my years of reading her books (under both of her aliases), I haven’t come across one that disappointed me yet, nor do I expect to. She’s the go-to author of our generation. She makes independent authors proud to be who they are by virtue of her achievements. If she can kick butt on such a consistent basis, what does that mean for other aspiring writers who need hope in this world? A passing grade for her wonderful winter tales!

Quicksand Dance Floor

VERSE 1

When you stand next to her, you start to shiver

You feel the coldness of a raging white river

You feel the illness of a rollercoaster rider

You feel the depression, you’re sick and tired

Shrug it off; it’s just a first world problem

You and the world have nothing in common

Put it in perspective, because it works every time

Ignore the heartache and the tears in your eyes

CHORUS 1

This is your life for the next thirty years

This is your sadness for the next hundred tears

Welcome to the quicksand dance floor, my friend

You lost your soul to a coming of age trend

VERSE 2

You missed your chance to be a bona fide stud

Now everyone is laughing at you like Elmer Fudd

Dante could never survive this brutal comedy

You could never survive this mental sodomy

You kick yourself repeatedly for never being brave

To your own disaster, you are the humble slave

Don’t worry, you wouldn’t want her anyways

She’ll scream in your ear every night and every day

CHORUS 2

This is your life until you’re old and cold

You always did as your detractors told

Welcome to the quicksand dance floor, old man

The corner is there, do something with your hands

BRIDGE

It’s too late to take her hand

It’s too late to join her band

It’s too late to rise from the sand

Your magnum opus was critically panned

VERSE 3

Turn back the clock to the very last hour

Before you kicked the bouquet and became sour

A simple question for the lovely lady

Yes or no? You could settle for maybe

CHORUS 3

This is your life with your newfound wife

You’re wearing a suit, she’s wearing white

Turn your back to the quicksand dance floor

Run wild and free while asking for more

Congratulations, Piper!

***CONGRATULATIONS, PIPER!***

Early this morning, my cute little squeaker kitty Piper was named Cat of the Day. Sitka came before her in 2014 and the tradition continues in 2016 with Piper-Diaper. So congratulations, little Squeak, for capturing the hearts of the internet with your diva charm! You’re getting extra petting tonight! The link to Piper’s Cat of the Day nomination can both be found in my Deviant Art ID widget and in this blog entry. Go ahead: soak it all in! ^_^

http://catoftheday.com/archive/2016/March/14.html

It’s also worth a few seconds of your time to read the sweet comments from the Cat of the Day community. Everybody loves Piper-Diaper! If it seems like I’m living vicariously through the fame of my cat, it’s because I am. Then again, giving an animal a good home and a happy life is an important thing for all pet owners to do. You may have a nice, friendly Piper in your home as well who depends on you for love and petting. ^_^

***COMPUTER SITUATION UPDATE***

The new computer works great and it’s all thanks to my awesome brother James for helping me set it up and not allowing me to make the same downloading mistakes I made with the first one. There’s going to be a lot more animal pictures, dark fantasy warrior drawings, and most importantly, literature. Lots and lots of literature. I didn’t leave the internet: I took a three day vacation. Now, let’s get some work done!

***ANIMAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Squeak!”

-Piper, March 14^th, 2016 Cat of the Day-

Oswald the Giant

Zack Moraga didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be found guilty for a murder he didn’t commit. He didn’t deserve to be locked up in the smelliest god-awful dungeon for five years. He also didn’t deserve to have his only chance at freedom come at the price of hunting a giant with little more than a jagged dagger and a measly crossbow. Who was he kidding? He couldn’t lay a giant even if he had a fiery catapult and two battering ram teams. He was all alone out there in the Dread Wight forest with two crappy weapons and a death sentence disguised as a window of opportunity.

The poor prisoner didn’t even try to track down this “Oswald the Giant”. He just sat on a tree stump in the middle of this foggy forest and sulked with his spiky-haired head in his hand. What did he really do to deserve all of this? Why was he wearing leather blue prison armor instead of a decent outfit? Didn’t anybody even remotely entertain the idea that Zack Moraga might be an innocent man? All he was at that point was a statistic. An outcast. A walking corpse. These negative thoughts caused a sigh to slip from his chapped mouth.

Finally after a few hours of moping on that tree stump with nothing but his thoughts, the ground began to shake. At first it was a gentle rumble. But then as the beast got closer, the tremors knocked Zack off of his stump and sent him into a mad dash for safety. He was barely one step ahead of the giant as it put its foot down for another violent quake. And another step. And another step. While this would be considered moseying for a giant, it was an exhausting sprint for Zack, who fell off the dirt trail and into a ditch.

The would be giant slayer laid on his back after so much exercise and breathed heavily. His ribs were sore from the cardio and his feet felt like he was walking on swords barefoot. He was done for. This is what a corrupt justice system in medieval times amounted to. For god’s sake, if the giant wanted to kill Zack, why didn’t he do it already? Get it over with! Quit letting the anxiety build up!

And then the giant laid down beside Zack on the dirt trail and rolled on his back. He let out an animalistic yawn and then a longwinded…purr? Wait a minute. Giants don’t purr. Sure enough, Zack opened his sore eyes for a few seconds and saw that the “great” and “fierce” Oswald the Giant was an oversized tiger-striped cat who purred and played like any other domestic animal would. But for now, he was sleeping.

A cat? The high courts wanted Zack Moraga to kill a giant cat? What for, exactly? Was his heavy stepping really that much of a threat to the royal kingdom? Was there a sudden shortage of fur? How about meat? Were people that starved for a good meal? Whatever the case was, the imprisoned warrior shook his head and achingly pulled himself to his feet. There wouldn’t be a better time to slay the giant than right fucking now.

Even though his body was sore, Zack managed to find the strength within his tired bones to climb up on Oswald’s belly using his fur coat. The big gut rose and fell slowly and evenly. The purrs were mixed in with the snores. This cat was definitely unconscious. But sneaking across the moving belly without disturbing him proved to be difficult work for Zack.

He tried to maintain his acrobatic equilibrium whilst tiptoeing across the beast’s stomach. Thinking this kill was already his, the hunter pulled out his crappy dagger and raised it in the air, hoping to get a good stab to the throat. He was almost there. He could feel the sweet taste of freedom. And then Zack stumbled on his ass and awakened the kitty giant, the rusty blade dropping to the ground below.

Oswald looked at the strange creature on his belly and lifted his head to try and lick him off like a flea. “Oh, dear god! Why?! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” screamed Zack as he was getting bathed in feline saliva. The goopy fluids caused the jailbird to stick to Oswald’s tongue and be flung high in the air after the cat spit him out.

While in the air, the cat giant batted him around like a common toy with all four of his fuzzy paws. Zack Moraga continued to curse and scream since the harsh motion (along with the spittle) was making him sick to his stomach. A final wave of Oswald’s paw sent the fighter off to the side of the dirt trail into the ditch once again.

Zack hit the ground hard enough to finally trigger a storm of vomit from his already filthy mouth. After about half a minute of puking, it was pretty much just dry heaves, which went to show how poorly prisoners were fed under this justice system. How badly they were defeated was also evident when Zack laid in a puddle of his own (and Oswald’s) oral filth and didn’t care about life anymore. It was over.

“Who am I kidding?” he said to himself. “This was a setup from the start. I don’t know how to slay a giant, much less a goddamn cat. Fuck this. I’m…going…back…to sleep.” He let out an acidic yawn and started to pass out when Oswald was nudging him with his wet nose.

“Stop it, leave me alone!” said Zack weakly. “Just kill me already! It’s over! My life is over! Why are you taking so long?!” Oswald was licking him again and the saliva didn’t smell any better than it did before. “Why?! Why must you do this to me?!”

After a while of licking, Zack was clean of his vomit, but not of cat spittle, so it was a minor victory at best. Oswald then grabbed Zack by his shirt collar with his teeth and tucked him into his belly before snuggling around the suicidal warrior. Along the way, Zack heard his crossbow drop on the ground as well, but he wasn’t going to lift a pinky in order to pick it up. To be honest, Oswald’s furry cuddle was more comfortable than any straw bed in that crappy dungeon. It didn’t take long for Zack to fall asleep in the cat giant’s loving hold.

The entire night had passed over the Dread Wight Forest and still Zack’s handlers didn’t see any progress made. The two seven-foot tall knights clad in steel armor and carrying war hammers were trudging through the forest in search of their ill gotten prisoner. “I told you we couldn’t rely on that pathetic weasel to get the job done!”

“What did you expect? He’s one guy with the most basic weapons we can come up with. Do you really think he stood a chance? Besides, there really was no hope for him after all. This had death sentence written all over it.”

“So the whole thing was just one sick joke from the start?”

“Pretty much. Now where is the little bastard? I’m hungry and I don’t want to stay in this wretched forest any longer.”

The ground shook and knocked the two towering knights on their asses, yet they kept steady grips on their war hammers. Before them stood Oswald the Giant, with his teeth showing, his drool flowing, and his hisses and growls coming at intimidating paces. Even so, the two knights weren’t the least bit scared. They laughed at the kitty giant before getting up and dusting themselves off.

“Come on, you giant turd! Let’s see what you’ve got!” shouted one of the knights before that same knight felt a sharp pain going up the crack of his ass. He danced around bleeding and screaming like a little girl until he eventually lost his footing and spun out into the ditch below to die.

The other knight noticed that the source of the anal pain was a crossbow bolt, one issued only to prisoners of this “death sentence”. The steel-clad warrior looked around and saw Zack Moraga leaning against a tree with his arms folded and the smoking gun (or cocked crossbow) in his hand.

“You sick bastard!” screamed the remaining knight as he stampeded toward the unflinching Zack with his war hammer ready to strike. The seven-foot warrior felt a hard smack against his back and flew into another oak tree with explosive force. The pain was horrendous, so much so that turning his head to see who smashed him was a chore itself. It was Oswald and his giant paw, no doubt.

As soon as the knight peeled himself out of the tree, he fell over in a weakened state and was ripe for the picking. Zack waddled over to him and lifted his head before saying, “Justice is finally served!” That was the last thing the knight heard before he felt the jagged edge rip his throat to pieces, bleeding him out and suffocating him at the same time. He died instantly.

After the two handlers were disposed of, Zack threw aside his weapons and looked up at Oswald with a big smile on his face. He hadn’t smiled in such a long time and it felt good to do so. The now ex-prisoner climbed up on Oswald’s back and said, “Take me home, kitty-pie. I have a baby girl who’s dying to meet you!”

The jolly gray giant meowed and purred as he trotted across the forest, fully intending to take Zack home where he belongs.

"Wish You Were Here" by Rita Mae Brown

BOOK TITLE: Wish You Were Here: A Mrs. Murphy Mystery
AUTHOR: Rita Mae Brown & Sneaky Pie Brown
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery
GRADE: Mixed


In the teeny tiny town of Crozet, Virginia, everybody knows and trusts each other, which is what makes the murders of several townsfolk easy for the killer to cover up. It could literally be anyone. Aside from the local police, on the case is Mary Minor “Harry” Haristeen, a divorcee mail sorter with a tiger kitty named Mrs. Murphy and a Welsh Corgi named Tee Tucker. Harry believes she’s getting closer to the truth behind the murders, but not nearly as close as her own pets, who have more sense than most humans do.

Speaking of that last sentence, that’s actually one of the things that makes this book so enjoyable. In between sniffing out clues and helping their nearly brain dead owner, Mrs. Murphy and Tucker have conversations with the animals about how dumb humans are and many of the things they say are true. Humans can advance technology to its absolute limit, but they still kill each other over stupid things, get married to the wrong people, spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need, the list is as endless as time itself. I wouldn’t mind having these little cuties on an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. Hell, they make more sense than pretty much every whacko who sits at that panel.

Aside from being dead on in their assessments of humans, Mrs. Murphy, Tucker, and company are just so darn cute! They roll over, play with paper, do acrobatics, and everything else that makes animals so much fun to own. Yes, they occasionally break lamps and rip up necessary papers, but that doesn’t make the little critters any less cute. I wouldn’t mind having Mrs. Murphy on my lap purring her head off while I feed her Temptations Kitty Treats. Aww!!

But just like with anything I give a mixed grade (or three stars) to, there are some minor complaints I need to deal with. I realize this book was published in 1990 and it’s not Rita Mae Brown’s fault she was born in the generation she was. But her age shows in this novel. The gossip among the women, the old-time traditions, the social elite statuses, even the character’s names make the book hard for younger readers to relate to. Is Haristeen even a real last name? I’m not sure, because as I type it out on my computer, there’s a squiggly red line underneath. And Hogendobber? Isn’t that the name of an ice cream brand? And who in the hell names their smoking hot daughter BoomBoom? I realize the novel is set in a small town, but this is taking small town stereotypes to an entirely different level.

Despite its minor faults, this is actually an enjoyable read. The mystery is well-constructed and when you eventually find out the whos, whys, and hows of it all, it will take you by surprise. I had a hard time piecing everything together at first, but it all made sense at the very end. If you like animal cuties or if you just want a good murder mystery, check out this book. And by the way, if you get a postcard in your mailbox with a tombstone on it that says, “Wish you were here”, you’d better run like hell!

Sunny Demonseed

When I first heard that Shy Guys from Mario Brothers 2 were hideous monsters underneath their robes, I was skeptical. They’re so darn cute and cuddly! Maybe there’s a teddy bear underneath. Or a Golden Retriever. Or a Russian Blue Hair kitty. Maybe even a domestic rat lives underneath that robe. Those sweet images I’m projecting on Shy Guy are the basis for a fan fiction character who was anything but a villain. Despite his last name, Sunny Demonseed was the definition of a honey bear.

In fact, Sunny was so cute, cuddly, and lovable he never made the cut when King Bowser and King Wart needed ninjas for their squad of assassins to hunt down Mario. Sunny was supposed to teach his attack dog how to rip someone to shreds. Instead, he rolled the puppy-duppy over and rubbed his belly. Bowser and Wart grabbed Sunny by his short little arms and dragged him into a place where he would never know the taste of freedom (unless it was covered in icing). From that moment on, Sunny Demonseed was supposed to be a dessert chef for his masters.

And boy, did he make some tasty treats. He made cakes that touched the ceiling with their pink frosting. He made strudels that were smothered in strawberry sauce (made with real strawberries, by the way). He made donuts that turned Bowser’s arteries into the Alaska Pipeline and Wart’s colon into the Puget Sound. Life was good as a dessert chef. It was even better when Sunny was assigned two new work partners: a grumpy Phanto named Duo Edict and a barbaric Goomba named Cleon Downstroy. Neither of his new acquaintances were ecstatic about working in a dessert kitchen, but if anybody could calm them down and restore happiness to the workplace, it was Sunny.

With lighthearted characters like Sunny, it would be inappropriate to put them in a dark fantasy nightmare like…well…Fireball Nightmare. The Mario franchise in general is cute and cuddly, and Sunny and friends should be as well. I was planning on putting Sunny, Duo, and Cleon in a Mario fan fiction movie script called Mario Thugs. It was chock full of comedic goodness and moments of infinite “aww’s”. But then things spiraled out of control without a real plot to keep the chaos contained. Ultimately, Mario Thugs was an aborted story and Sunny was left without a home. The most exposure he ever got was through a poem I don’t consider to be up to par anymore with my Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage songs.

Sunny may have a childlike mind and a babyish body, but he’s not too young for employment, especially when it comes to my imagination. I know you all are going to point out my affinity for original fiction over fan fiction due to the former being profitable. The most I ever got in terms of profit was sixty cents. Besides, I’m not in the writing business because it’s lucrative (it’s not). I’m in it because I love the craft. I’m not a mercenary for hire. I have more money than I’ll ever need in my lifetime. If I want to write a fan fiction without worrying about being sued by Nintendo, then goddamn it, I’m going to do it! Someday, but not today. Fireball Nightmare needs further planning and I actually have to write the damn chapters.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I once worked at an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate, so I got canned.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-