***VALENTINE’S DAY COMES EARLY***
I’ve got to be honest with you guys. My past few blog
entries have been rife with negativity and that’s not who I want to be. With
Valentine’s Day only a month and a half away, my heartache will only get worse.
But we’re not going to spend that special occasion pining over stupid shit.
We’re going to celebrate VD (in January) by playing one of my favorite games of
all time. It’s America’s
game, but it ain’t Squeal of Fortune or Geo-Parody. This game is
called…ARE…YOU….SHIPPING…ME?! And now, here are the stars of our special game:
Pat Sajak and Vanna White! Actually, Pat Sajak can get the fuck off the stage,
but I’ll gladly keep Vanna around. Hehe!
If you’re not familiar with the rules of this game, don’t
worry, because I’ve got them right here. Create a roster of as many fictional
characters as you want, but I recommend an equal balance of females and males.
Randomly select two names from that list and discuss their potential as a
couple. Pay no mind to gender preferences or gender identities, because under
these rules, anybody can be a couple with anybody. You’ll get some odd
combinations before you get any that actually make sense. Maybe they don’t even
have to be a romantic couple. Maybe they’re just platonic? Or family? Or tag
team partners? Either way, we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight! I
assembled my roster using my Read list from Good Reads. There are twenty names
on this list, so that means there’ll be ten couples.
- Arnold Spirit (“The Absolutely True Diary of a
Part-Time Indian” by Sherman
Alexie)
- Bob
(“A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen)
- Chris
Jericho (Former WWE wrestler who wrote three memoirs)
- Dr.
Manhattan (Watchmen)
- Evan
McGann (“The Blade Itself” by Marcus Sakey)
- Gloria
Cavalera (“My Bloody Roots” by Max Cavalera)
- Homer
Simpson (The Simpsons comic books)
- Jack
Tagger (“Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen)
- Joker
(Batman comic books)
- Kat Colorado (“Alley
Kat Blues” by Karen Kijewski)
- Kelly
Carlin (George Carlin’s daughter and author of “A Carlin Home Companion”)
- Piper
(“The Blood Files” by Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor)
- Polly
Duncan (“Cat Who” series by Lilian Jackson Braun)
- Saber
(“The Benevolent Slayers” by Marie Krepps)
- Sleeping
Beauty (“The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” by Anne Rice)
- The
Hunter (Andy Peloquin’s books)
- Trevor’s
Mother (“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah)
- Tuna
(“Chomp” by Carl Hiaasen)
- Unemployed
Man (“The Adventures of Unemployed Man” by Gan Golan and Erich Origen)
- Viola
(“Child of the Night Guild” by Andy Peloquin)
Let’s spin the wheel and win some fabulous prizes! I’d like
to buy an R, Pat! Oh wait, I already told you to fuck off. Never mind!
***JACK TAGGER X KAT COLORADO
(TAGGERADO)***
Well, what do you know? Our first randomly assembled couple
actually makes at least a wee bit of sense! Jack and Kat are both investigators
in their respective novels, though Jack is a journalist and Kat is a private
detective. Age difference aside, these two could actually help each other
through their cases. They’re both witty, smart as hell, sarcastic, and can get
the job done no matter how hard the odds are stacked against them. They’re also
faithful lovers, so there’s no worry about them breaking up too soon. Yes, this
is perfect! This is beautiful! THIS…IS…LOVE!
***THE HUNTER X BOB (BUNTER)***
Okay, I was not expecting this, which was dumb on my part.
Hehe! We’ve got a ruthless contract killer and a stray cat who just wants to
laze around the space heater. Would The Hunter even have the time to take care
of an uncontrollable pet with his merciless killing schedule? Better question
is, would he have the heart to do it? Does he respect animals or would he use
Bob to feed his Blood Hunger dagger? You would think that because cats are
stealthy, they would make good partners in crime for slick rogues like The Hunter.
But no…not Bob. Bob just wants to cuddle and lay about. Not good for business.
***DR. MANHATTAN X TUNA (MANHATTUNA)***
Nope, nope, nope, absolutely fucking not. Dr. Manhattan is a
billion years old and Tuna is a teenaged girl. No nookie for them! A father-daughter
relationship, on the other hand, is a little more realistic. Tuna, in her
story, wants to get as far away from her abusive father as possible, lest she
get another black eye, or worse. Who better to tell the father to fuck off than
a nuclear superhero who can manipulate atoms ever so magically? Jared (the
father) wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance. I don’t care how drunk and trigger
happy he is; he’s no match for superhero brutality. In addition to providing
protection, Dr. Manhattan’s wisdom can also be an educational experience for
young Tuna Gordon. I can’t think of a better way to complete childhood!
***POLLY DUNCAN X TREVOR NOAH’S MOTHER (DUNCOAH)***
Maybe not as a lesbian romance, but as best friends, this
would actually make sense. Both of them are voracious readers, highly educated,
and hardworking. Mrs. Noah could find some peace in Pickaxe
County, away from her abusive
ex-husband Abel in South
Africa. At least Polly Duncan has kitties.
I’ll take a comfy kitty over a wife-beater any day of the week. But the
question now becomes, how would Mrs. Noah and Polly find common ground religiously?
Mrs. Noah is extremely religious while Polly’s faith isn’t well established in
the Cat Who books. Would they clash over that or would they find other common
ground, such as good books and good food? I want to believe these two would get
along just fine…so that’s the conclusion I’ll come to!
***PIPER X ARNOLD
SPIRIT (SPIPER)***
Let’s see…how would a love sick Native American teenager get
along with a vampire seductress? Not very well, I would assume. Sure, Arnold would be desperate
to find love after all the trauma he endured on the reservation, but would he
have at least a shred of wisdom to keep his distance from Piper? I don’t know,
man. Hormones can be a fickle bitch. Testicular chemicals can make a kid do
crazy shit. Anything to get away from the reservation, right? It’s like
choosing between death and Unga-Bunga. Get bullied by older kids or get drained
and force fucked by Piper and her vampire cohorts. Hmm…decisions, decisions.
***CHRIS JERICHO
X VIOLA (JERICHOLA)***
Good god almighty, another adult/teenager couple? Really? In
order for this to work, they’d have to be tag team partners and not lovers.
Throughout his wrestling career, Chris Jericho has been both a babyface (hero)
and heel (villain). He prefers to be a villain and Viola has been brainwashed
into being a cutthroat thief. Yep, these two would snatch Tag Team Championship
gold in no time at all. I may have stopped watching WWE, but I still know who
the Tag Team Champs on both Raw and Smackdown are and neither of them stand a
chance against Jerichola, which sounds like the name of a delicious soft drink.
Bobby Roode wouldn’t stop saying “Glorious!” all the time. Chad Gable would be
too busy finishing Bobby’s catch phrase for him. And Sheamus and Cesaro?
Fucking forget it, man! A multi-decade wrestler like Jericho and a stealthy thief like Viola have
money written all over them, whether they pickpocket it or earn it by winning
matches.
***EVAN MCGANN X SLEEPING BEAUTY (MCBEAUTY)***
Talk about a one-sided, abusive, toxic relationship in the
making! Evan McGann is a manipulative criminal with muscles on top of muscles
and a psychotic streak a mile long. Sleeping Beauty is a sex slave by nature,
having been attached to whoever gives her the kiss that wakes her up. In her
story, it’s not a kiss, but a fuck that wakes her up. You think a sick freak
like Evan would pass up on that opportunity? Not a chance. The idea of McBeauty
makes me want to spit up, which is weird because the couple name sounds like a
burger at a fast food restaurant. I should be eager to eat McDonald’s food! But
not this kind. This relationship is more poisonous than the pink slime they put
in McNuggets.
***THE JOKER X HOMER SIMPSON (HOKER)***
These two don’t have a prayer on planet earth of getting
along as a couple, let alone as partners in crime. The Joker would be busy
formulating an intricate plot to kill Batman while Homer would be stupidly
messing things up, by virtue of his clumsiness or his endless appetite. If The
Joker baked a batch of poisoned cookies for Bruce Wayne’s business conference,
Homer would eat them. All of them. And he wouldn’t die from it, but he’d shit
out Joker gas and put permanent grins on everyone. This…(sigh)…This’ll never
work. Ever.
***SABER X KELLY CARLIN (CARLABER)***
A badass sorceress and a badass comedienne? Oh, this is
fucking perfect! You talk about girl power? You talk about strong female
characters? These two bitches are unstoppable! They’ve got quick wit,
unbreakable spirits, and enough emotional baggage to get each other through the
hardest times. They’ll have their ups and downs, but as long as they have each
other, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. Maybe they can sit around together
and listen to old George Carlin routines while laughing their asses off. I
can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than that! They can also
even each other out since Saber is the hothead and Kelly is the calmer one (she
practices Zen). Plus, Carlaber sounds like they’re doing something good for the
economy! It’s perfect! It’s fucking perfect!
***GLORIA CAVALERA X UNEMPLOYED MAN (UH…I GOT NOTHING)***
The wife of a heavy metal icon and a superhero who preaches
personal responsibility? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? What could go right
is Unemployed Man finally finding a job as a roadie for Soulfly. If he’s so
fucking responsible, he should be able to ace that job no problem. Or maybe
structural unemployment isn’t as simplified as everyone’s making it out to be.
Maybe there are outside forces at work. Maybe…just maybe…the system is rigged?
Max Cavalera has been telling you that shit for years, but did Unemployed Man
listen? Obviously not.
***CONCLUSION***
This is Charlie O’Donnell’s dead body speaking. Are You
Shipping Me is produced by Merv Griffin and distributed by Charles King, both
of whom are also necromantic spirits haunting Garrison Kelly’s blog. Even when
you feel like dying (on Valentine’s Day), keep climbing the mountain, bitches!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I like to eat my friends and make no bones about it. I like
to eat my friends, I wouldn’t do without it. Ain’t a man or poet, friend, I
know just how you’ll taste. Your limbs go sliding down my throat and never go
to waste. Your death of course will sadden me until I drop your essence. I know
your life was not in vain when digestion is commencing. Consider this a
celebration and the deepest pact of friends. I hope that you will dine on me
when I come to an end. Even friends may come to you with a newfound revelation.
But think of it as life renewed and not the termination. “To know you is to eat
you” should be the code of lovers. Death brings the highest act of love
reserved for one another. People say that what you are is only what you eat. My
friends become a part of me, it’s then that life’s complete. To know you is to
eat you, the act of love supreme. Each one of us inside himself can appetize
the dream.”
-The Police singing “Friends”-
