Mercenaries

***MERCENARIES***

Before I began my barbarian obsession in 2000 (which I owe to playing Diablo II), I had a mercenary obsession in the late 90’s (which I owe to playing Final Fantasy VII and VIII). In the seventh Final Fantasy game, the main character, Cloud Strife, did mercenary work to pay his bills. In the eighth Final Fantasy game, the entire Garden Academy trained mercenaries, which include Squall, Zell, and Selphie (I know how bad her name sounds in today’s world with camera phones, but this game was published in the 90’s; remember that).

There was something about beating people’s asses for a living that made sense to me as a pre-teen. Sure, there are other occupations in which one could do that such as boxing, wrestling, MMA, and the military. The thing about mercenaries, though, is that they could fulfill contracts on their own terms instead of having a boss breathe down their necks. Even before I started accusing my classmates, teachers, and family of trying to conform me in my sophomore year of high school, being independently-minded was fascinating to me. Then again, individuality and creativity cannot exist without each other. Granted, most of my creative projects as a kid were rudimentary at best, I still held onto those ideas even after facing ridicule. Back in those days, it made sense to combine a spear, an axe, and a claw into one weapon and call it a Spax Claw.

Enjoying the mercenary aura as a child was easy back then because I didn’t start to get political until I was 19 years old and John Kerry lost the presidency to George W. Bush. Even with rough edges, being politically minded changes everything. Bush’s presidency will always be marked by the second Iraq War, the introduction of torture as an interrogation technique, Islamophobia, but sticking with the theme of this journal, mercenaries. Independent contractors like Blackwater were hired to go overseas and complete their own missions. Mercenaries, unlike governmental soldiers, don’t have to follow the same rules as their country-bound brethren. With no oversight, mercenaries could kill and torture whoever they wanted whenever they wanted. Then again, with Bush in charge, there were already CIA agents doing that shit all the time. Suddenly the thrill of being a mercenary didn’t seem right anymore.

Realistically, if you’re writing a story and your main hero is a mercenary, making that character into a sympathetic role model is harder than you think. Fellow independent author Andy Peloquin pulls it off beautifully with his series of books involving The Hunter. Then again, The Hunter isn’t exactly a role model to anyone, but the reader still cheers for him. When good morals aren’t enough to win an audience over, the author has to rely on quirks, nuances, intelligence, and charisma to garner interest in his character. Even though he’s not a mercenary, Alex De Large from “A Clockwork Orange” is a huge example of a sympathetic character devoid of morals. Some readers choose to disagree with the antihero, though, and thus a heated debate ensues.

So while my interest in mercenaries has declined over the years, I never forget my childhood and teenaged roots. Those are the times of a human being’s life when creative growth is most important. It’s also a time in which a human being is most vulnerable to coercion and conformity. It’s easy to tell a child to “man up” and “get tough”, but it takes emotional complexity and maturity to guide that kid through the rough waters of conformity. Some people use negative opinions as motivation to do better, others succumb to the pressure and become brainwashed.

Because I care so much about my creative past, there could be a time in the future where I’m writing a novel, short story, or D&D campaign in which a mercenary is a necessary part of the narrative. The easy way would be to make that mercenary into a natural born villain. Or I could challenge myself and try to make a strong hero out of someone who lusts for money. I have a synopsis in my short story idea collection for a tale about a crime scene cleaner named Owen Edge who has a change of heart after seeing a teenaged girl being used for sex slavery. Maybe it’s a case of “Even Evil Has Standards”, but if I really want to get Owen over, I have to make his change of alignment believable. It’s a challenge I bravely welcome.

Now that I think about it, the term “mercenary” doesn’t have to always apply to fighters. It could also apply to anybody who cares more about money than he or she does about basic human decency. There are bankers and CEO’s on Wall Street who fill that role every day of their goddamn lives. We hear about it all the time in the news and in trailers for Mr. Robot. Remember George Weaver from the short story “The Balrog”? He’s a corporate mercenary in the worst sense of the word, which is why it takes a Mexican demon to drive him completely insane and render him unable to continue his work.

The concept of mercenary work proves over and over again how influential money is not just in novels and short stories, but also in the real world. Pink Floyd published a song on their Dark Side of the Moon CD called “Money” that talks about this very powerful form of currency. Then they published a song on their Momentary Lapse of Reason CD called “Dogs of War”, which more accurately describes what a mercenary truly is. The creative fuel is on the table, fellow authors. Don’t let this opportunity slip!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Coming up next in this series of drawings is Elizabeth Wilson, the aeromancer from the short story called…well…“The Aeromancer”! Those who have a fascination with either the Greek language or fantasy media already know that aeromancers are wizards who control the power of wind. No, that’s not a fart joke and those who think it is need to grow the fuck up. The only aeromancer in this world who’s capable of summoning chaotic magic with flatulence is me. It’s amazing my family doesn’t keep gas masks around the house for this very occasion. As for Elizabeth Wilson, if you piss her off, she’ll summon tornados and typhoons just to bring your ass down. As a side note, she has zero respect for authority.

***FACE BOOK MEME OF THE DAY***

The only reason Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic is because Christian Grey is rich. If he was poor and lived in a trailer, it would be an episode of Criminal Minds.

Real Time with Bill Maher

TITLE: Real Time with Bill Maher

GENRE: Political Debate and Comedy

RATING: TV-MA for strong language

GRADE: Depends on the episode

As I write this review for my lovely audience, I don’t want any of you to think this is me putting the boots to Bill Maher. I have a lot of respect for him both as a comedian and as a political commentator. In case you haven’t figured it out from my internet postings over the years, I have very strong liberal beliefs. In 2004, I voted for John Kerry and in 2008 and 2012, I voted for Barack Obama. Naturally, I agree with the things Bill Maher says almost 90% of the time. I especially enjoyed what he had to say about the recent police brutality incidents going on all over the country.

As far as his talk show goes, it’s not Bill Maher himself who makes or breaks each episode. It’s his fucking guests. Some episodes, his guests are polite and have great conversational chemistry together, and that goes for both liberal and conservative guests. Despite being on the opposite side of the political fence as him, I actually think Steve Schmidt, John McCain’s campaign advisor, carries himself in a calm, intelligent, and respectful way and having him on the show is always good to see.

And then there are those episodes where the guests are at each other’s throats like it’s an episode of WWE Smackdown. You know the guests I’m talking about: always interrupting each other, always talking loudly, always saying rude shit, and in some cases always taunting the audience. Does anybody remember the episode where Christopher Hitchens flipped off the audience? How about the ones where Dana Rorabacher created a sonic boom with his dialogue alone.

While it is true there are more rude conservative guests than liberal ones, there are liberal guests who are capable of holding Bill Maher’s show hostage. Gary Schandling answered his fucking cell phone in the middle of a political discussion. Roseanne Barr had more dialogue in one show than most guests have in multiple episodes. The biggest example of a show hostage taker is one I know I’m going to regret saying, mostly because he recently committed suicide. I’m talking about Robin Williams, who on one episode interrupted everybody with random jokes and committed the mortal sin of interrupting Bill Maher’s New Rules segment.

Bottom line: it’s not just being liberal or conservative that can make a guest annoying. It’s the way that guest presents himself on television to an audience who really just wants to see Bill Maher pop off jokes. The problem with his show is most of the time he invites crazy guests who destroy the whole night for the audience. At that point, I’m not even sure if New Rules can make me laugh since I’m too angry from all the fighting among the guests.

Mr. Maher, I’m not saying this to be mean to you, I’m saying it to you as a fan and hopefully a friend someday. Have a filter for the people you invite on your show. Dana Rorabacher already ruined one show with his shrill screaming, so don’t bother inviting him back on the set. I could also tell you were getting sick of SE Cupp’s ageist jokes when you had PJ O’Rourke as the final guest. You probably invite these lunatics on your show as a way to boost ratings. Trust me, Bill, this is not the way to get high ratings. If you want a pro-wrestling example of bad TV gone even worse, I’ve got three letters for you: WCW.

John Bush and George Kerry

Although I’m using former WWE superstars The Basham Brothers as a reference picture, I don’t want you to think John Bush and George Kerry are anything like them except for how they look. During their time in the WWE, Doug and Danny Basham were former WWE Tag Team Champions and had various gimmicks. They started out as a generic tag team and over time became bondage slaves for Shaniqua, secret service agents for John Bradshaw Layfield, and armored security guards for Paul Heyman. While the Basham Brothers don’t work for WWE anymore, they did leave something behind for the fans to remember them by.

John Bush and George Kerry are nothing like that. They are the definition of what a generic tag team should be. They come out to the ring wearing underwear-style tights and boots, they never get the chance to use a microphone, and their theme music is “Voices Inside My Head” by The Police (no disrespect to Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland). Their wrestling maneuvers include generic things like the scoop slam, the vertical suplex, the hip toss, the running clothesline, and the double axe handle off the top rope. In short, the most creative thing about John Bush and George Kerry is how they got their ring names: by swapping the names of the 2004 Presidential Election contenders John Kerry (Democrat) and George W. Bush (Republican).

You’re asking yourself why I would ever have a use for plain Jane motherfuckers like John Bush and George Kerry. Maybe it’s because they’re a manifestation of what I’m like when in public. On the internet, I have a strong presence. I post short stories, Fireball Nightmare chapters, Garrison’s Library entries, Deviant Art journals, and the occasional thread on a Good Reads group I’m a part of. Even in the real world when I’m talking with my own friends and family, I’m popping off jokes left and right and never miss a beat.

In public life, I’m anything but exciting. I keep to myself except for when I make a purchase, I never smile, I never say “Hi” to anybody, and whenever somebody tries to make conversation with me, I give them the most basic, short answer I can find. For example, when I’m getting a quarter-yearly buzz cut at Hair Masters, my barber will try to make small talk with me. She’ll ask me things like, “What do you do for a living?” and my answer is simple: “I’m unemployed”, an answer that is delivered with a blunt affect. Sometimes she’ll ask, “What are your plans for the evening?” and I’ll say, “I don’t have any.” Personally, I’m never in the mood for small talk with someone who is only friendly to me because I’m a customer and not because they’re actually interested in my boring ass life.

John Bush and George Kerry are a representation of my plain Jane traits. I often fantasize about being a manager in the WWE and having verbal spats with Stephanie McMahon and Triple H (both of which deserve the Wrestling Observer Newsletter award this year for Worst Gimmick). Unfortunately, if I tried to be as talkative in the ring as I am on the internet, I would stutter and my voice power would be minimal. That’s why I hated giving presentations in college and high school: I fumble over my words too easily and the teacher penalizes me for basically being a hardcore introvert. But if John Bush and George Kerry are going to rage against the machine and tell everybody they’re full of shit, they’ll cease to become boring in the eyes of the public. Maybe they’ll get better names and better gimmicks as a result of that. Who knows?

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JBL: You’d be in a bad mood if you won the lottery!

MICHAEL COLE: I did win the lottery and I only got two dollars!