Michael Cole vs. Booker T

 

STEAM

***STEAM***

A few weeks ago, I wrote a song for Lunatic Justice called “STEM Sell”, where I argue that having a STEM degree doesn’t necessarily equal happiness despite the job opportunities and abundance of money. In case you don’t know, STEM stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. The kinds of jobs that come with a STEM degree include medical doctor, mechanic, computer expert, and architect to name a few. As much as liberal arts majors like me hate to admit it, STEM skills are in higher demand than creative ones.

But think of how boring this world would be without art. If everybody had STEM jobs, you can kiss Harry Potter, Pink Floyd, Wonder Woman, and everything else considered fun goodbye. Speaking of Pink Floyd, there’s a scene in The Wall movie where Pink’s math teacher beats him for writing poetry in class instead of doing homework. That scene is based on Roger Waters’s childhood. If he had caved in to the hate and got a “real job” instead of singing in a band…well, you know how this conversation is going to go.

Want another real world example? Jim Carrey gave a college speech about how his father could have been a professional comedian with the sense of humor he had, but instead took a financially safe job as an accountant (the M in STEM). Jim Carrey’s father was laid off from his job, which proves that failure isn’t something only artists experience. Imagine if Jim Carrey took the “safe route” and became an accountant like his dad. Actually, no, don’t imagine that, especially if you’re prone to crying your eyes out.

Ever see the bumper sticker that says “Earth without art is just eh”? Well, every time I hear a STEM student brag about how he’s better than liberal arts majors, I think of that bumper sticker. That same braggadocios student is probably wiping his tears away with those hundred dollar bills. That’s not to say STEM doesn’t have a place in modern society, but it shouldn’t be the only thing we have available jobs for. We need to find a balance between happiness and financial stability.

All you have to do is stick an A (Art) in between the E and the M and you’ve got STEAM. Think of all the creative fields out there and how they’re interconnected with STEM. The music industry is a prime example of this. Of course, the creative side comes from the songwriting and performances. But if you want to put together an album or put on an elaborate concert, you have to have a fairly extensive knowledge of the equipment involved. Rammstein concerts are fun as fuck, but without sound engineers, lightning designers, and pyrotechnicians, I don’t care how good they are as musicians, because their concert will sound like shit without those essential crew members.

The movie industry has STEAM applications as well. Sure, there’s the acting, screenwriting, directing, makeup art, and all of that. But you still need a STEM guy to know how to work the camera, create special effects, edit the film reels, and engineer the sound effects.

Take any creative endeavor and it will have connections to STEAM no matter how much someone argues otherwise. And since I’m an author, I might as well throw my personal experience into the mix. My job is to put words onto the screen and edit the final product so that it’s nice and polished for publication. If you plan on publishing, you have to have an extensive knowledge of economics (math), computer skills (technology), audience psychology (science), and…help me out here, I’m trying to think of an engineering example. Or perhaps your STEM experience can reveal itself in your actual manuscript. Maybe you’re writing a spy novel where someone has to use explosives (technology). Maybe you’re doing a combat scene and have to diagnose the traumas of each fighter (science).

STEM jobs and artistic jobs both require a great deal of dedication and hard work in order to succeed. Failure is a part of both sides of the spectrum and being able to dust yourself off and get back up is the true test of success, not money or college experience. I’ve experienced my fair share of failures in my career. I’ve had two-star reviews, angry criticisms, and plenty of doubters who simply thought I sucked.

I could go with the safe route and be a computer specialist, but would I experience the same amount of joy as I do when I create a story or poem out of thin air? Hell no. STEM jobs are important and highly abundant, but there’s more to life than changing oil in somebody’s car. If you’re a STEM employee and you’re happy with life, good for you. But that’s no excuse to put down liberal arts majors when you’re just as capable of failure as they are. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

It’s a new week at the WSS and it’s time for a new story. This time we’re dealing with Baby Steps as the major theme. What better way to conform to that prompt than by writing a story called “Where’s My Damn Money?” What else am I going to call it? Here’s how it goes:

CHARACTERS:

1. Chetty Claymore, Elf Necromancer
2. Pia Caine, Cat Wizard

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Pia’s small payments against her debt are considered baby steps toward the larger goal of being financially free.

SYNOPSIS: When wandering mage Pia is wounded in battle, Chetty saves her life in return for a whopping amount of money. A year has passed since these events and Pia is no closer to paying off her crushing debt. One night while concocting a potion in her lab, she is visited by the impatient Chetty, who threatens to kill her and the ones she loves if she doesn’t pay what he’s owed. Pia believes she can simply fight her way out of debt, but Chetty is part of a much larger organization of debt collectors and even if she wins, he won’t be her last opponent. Chetty also reveals that Pia’s personal information has been shared with her attacker from one year ago.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Earlier tonight, I posted my non-WSS story called “Lionize” and Andrea Lovell, the CEO from that story, is next on the chopping block. Andrea was originally a character conceived by my old D&D friend Heather when the two of us would do private role-plays together on MSN Instant Messenger. She’s usually cool with me using her RPG characters in my stories, but if she isn’t this time around, then I’ll happy use someone else. I think she’ll be happy with what I come up for her as a drawing.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

WWU stands for World Wrestling University and WWE stands for Western Washington Entertainment. Both acronyms are said the Michael Cole way, which is by pronouncing them with extra emphasis on the W’s. Wait a minute, something’s not right here.

Unrequited Love Stereotype, or "That Guy"

***UNREQUITED LOVE STEREOTYPE, OR “THAT GUY”***

In all my time of surfing the internet, I never knew the Urban Dictionary could actually be educational on some occasions. I thought it was just a safe haven for swear words and sex terms like “See You Next Tuesday”, or the clearly made-up “Quaker Cum Meal” (if you don’t know what that is, I’m not going to tell you). The other day when I surfed the Urban Dictionary, I typed in the words “Unrequited Love” and the results were mildly depressing. It’s basically when you love someone (or have a crush on them) and they don’t love you back (either because they don’t know you or don’t give a damn). Every celebrity crush in the world is an example of unrequited love. Every damn one.

When I was going to Western Washington University from 2007 to 2009, my source of unrequited love was Tarja Turunen, the former lead singer from Nightwish. I set the bar pretty high for myself and was let down when my stubby arms couldn’t reach it. So naturally I assumed every local crush was just as high on the bar as well. I wrote tons of essays and poems dedicating my love to this opera metal diva, but I tiptoed around the language used to write them because I didn’t want to be...that guy. I didn’t want to be the stereotypical 300 pounder with a Princess Leia poster on my wall, a Tifa Lockhart photo for a desktop screen, and a sorrowful attitude towards romance. I tried hard not to be an embarrassing version of…that guy. So I kept it all on the inside most of the time.

You know what happens to people who are…that guy, right? Well, the minute they bear their feelings to the world, some yo-yo will sit them down, pat them condescendingly on the shoulder, and give them a familiar speech we’ve all grown tired of. “You know, Garrison…Japan had an earthquake, Haiti had an earthquake, there’s mass starvation in Africa, there’re wars going on in Afghanistan and Iraq…and you’re crying over chicks?” Granted, some of those travesties are dated in today’s world, but you’ve heard that speech, I’m sure. Folks, not one time has anybody thought of worldwide earthquakes and immediately felt like a million bucks about their own problems. The author of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” makes this clear in his novel (read it, damn you!).

If someone who has been labeled…that guy gets any kind of reward for his awkward and depressing behavior, it will be because of sympathy and no other reason. I didn’t want that for myself either. If I ever decide to date again, I want it to be with someone who genuinely thinks I’m a cool person, not because they feel like they have to. When a girl feels like she has to, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship. Nobody is obligated to date anybody for any reason, and that’s the way it should be, quite honestly.

Even now, I don’t talk about unrequited love these days because I’m still fighting the urge to be…that guy. I used to talk about it a lot whenever I’d blog about dreams I’ve had or music I’ve listened to. Not anymore. It got old after a while and I had successfully become…that guy. So what happens to people when they refuse to become…that guy and they still don’t have it in them to approach their love interests? They become indifferent to romance. Every once a while the urge will come back, but ultimately, indifference takes over.

If you’d like to know how hard someone has to work to not be…that guy, do me a favor. Get on your computer, smart phone, or smart TV and type in Netflix (or some other movie streaming service). In the search engine, type in the movie “Obselidia” and you’ll find out all about your precious unrequited love. I did a review on this movie once, but I didn’t give away any spoilers. Well, just for this journal, I’m going to spoil the movie for you, so if you enjoy surprises, skip this part of the blog.

George is an introverted librarian who has tasked himself with keeping an encyclopedia of all things obsolete (hence the title “Obselidia”). He even believes romance is obsolete as evidenced by the way he turns down a date from a customer at the library. He’s lonely, but doesn’t want to admit it. And then as part of his research for his encyclopedia, he meets a projectionist named Sophie, who is all bubbles and smiles when it comes to the world. The two of them go on a trip to Death Valley together and get an earful from an environmentalist who believes climate change will destroy our world sooner than later (it actually might, I’m not doubting him).

George is ready to include the whole planet in his encyclopedia, but spending more and more time with Sophie brings the positivity out of him that he needed. They get back to the city and George finally musters up the courage to bring Sophie flowers and confess his love. But when he arrives at her apartment, some guy in the background says, “Who is it, sweetie?” George barricades himself in his own home and refuses to answer Sophie’s pleading messages on his machine. In this one moment of unrequited love, Sophie has managed to squeeze George’s eyeballs dry of tears like she was making the most sorrowful pitcher of orange juice.

Unrequited love is basically a catch 22. If you don’t talk about it, you get hurt. If you do talk about it, you get hurt. Nobody would have blamed George if he sheltered himself forever, yet he manages to keep the positive attitude he gained from his experiences with Sophie. It makes perfect sense as a movie ending, but brain chemistry doesn’t always work like that in the real world. And that’s really all romance is: brain chemistry with an addictive reward system. When you get one kiss from a pretty girl, you want more. And when you don’t get more, you get withdrawal. And when you get withdrawal, you try your hardest not to become…that guy.

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

I’ve been waiting forever for an excuse to write the following short story. Now that the prompt is “butterfly”, I’ve got to strike while the iron is hot. This story is a combination of the WWE Divas Revolution in 2015 and life with cats that I currently have or have taken care of in the past. My mom calls our cats divas all the time (because of how often they want attention), so this short story will be called “Divas”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Piper, Divas Champion
2. Tori, Leader of the Supermodel Kitties
3. Stitches, Enforcer for the Supermodel Kitties
4. Calypso, Rookie from the Supermodel Kitties
5. Willem, Schipperke Referee

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The Divas Championship belt has a butterfly design on it.

SYNOPSIS: In a pro-wrestling organization where the female wrestlers are humanoid cats, Piper is defending her Divas Championship against Tori at a pay-per-view main event. Piper has held the championship for over a year on the platform of making her dreams come true and being a role model for young cats. During their rivalry, the Supermodel Kitties have made Piper’s life miserable by calling her “Piper-Diaper” and other childish middle school names. With Stitches and Calypso to serve as ringside distractions, Piper could very well lose her championship to Tori and disprove the idea that all dreams come true.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

(Here’s an interaction I’d like to see happen on WWE Monday Night Raw.)

MICHAEL COLE: And here comes Bayley for her one-on-one match!

COREY GRAVES: Keep your hands above the table, Saxton!

BYRON SAXTON: That’s not PG.

WWE Survivor Series: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella

MATCH: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Fail


Legendary WWE commentator Jim Ross said it best when being interviewed by Give Me Sport: “The diva’s division is in trouble.” He didn’t mince words, he didn’t sugarcoat, he told it like it is. From the 1990’s to the 2000’s, women’s wrestling in the WWE didn’t used to be all that painful to watch. Back then, you had high flyers like Lita, technical geniuses like Trish Stratus, and muscle-bound neck snappers like Chyna. They didn’t just roll around to entice the male viewers; they actually put on wrestling clinics. There were even times when the wrestled men that were much bigger and stronger than them. Fast forward to the 2010’s and Trish Stratus and Lita are in the WWE Hall of Fame while Chyna has been snubbed due to her being a porn actress who could be Googled by small children.

My, how the times have changed. Today’s divas division isn’t about wrestling or enticement anymore. It’s about making the women look inferior to the men. Instead of badass wrestlers like the ones I’ve mentioned in the first paragraph, you’ve got super skinny lingerie models with pretty faces and Barbie bodies struggling to perform the most basic wrestling maneuvers whether they’re clotheslines, scoop slams, suplexes, or dropkicks. You think we’re going to get a divas Hell in a Cell match anytime soon? If we did, it would only last 30 seconds like most women’s matches did in the 2010’s. It got so bad that as a heel announcer at the time, Michael Cole would go out of his way to bury the divas division, whether he was pretending to sleep at the announce table or picking up a microphone to tell the girls to hurry up and finish their matches. People like to say that there are real wrestlers in this division like Paige, Natalya, and Naomi, but when placed in the ring with Barbie dolls, their chemistry is screwed up and it turns out to be a less than 1-star match.

At Survivor Series in 2014, it was more of the same when AJ Lee was scheduled to defend her WWE Divas Championship against Nikki Bella with the latter’s twin sister Brie hanging around at ringside. In 2013 on the same pay-per-view, AJ Lee, Nikki Bella, and a bunch of other divas competed in a 7-on-7 elimination tag team match, which caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter as the Worst Worked Match of 2013.

Fast forward to the buildup towards Survivor Series 2014 and Nikki and Brie were actually feuding with each other. With piss-poor acting, no real reason for the feud to happen, unrealistic dialogue, and appearances by Stephanie McMahon and Jerry Springer, this rivalry would go on to win Worst Feud of 2014, also in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. So far, the Bella Twins collectively have won two awards from that publication, but not in a good way. It didn’t help matters that the twins also received a Gooker Award from Wrestlecrap.com for their rivalry. Nice job, ladies.

And now we come to Survivor Series 2014 in what is supposed to be a competitive match-up for the Divas Championship. AJ Lee aka Mrs. CM Punk is ready for action against the challenger Nikki Bella aka Mrs. John Cena. The bell is rung and the match begins…but not without Brie Bella aka Mrs. Daniel Bryan standing on the ring apron wanting AJ Lee’s attention. Once Brie got it, she pulled AJ’s face into hers and planted a not-so-romantic lesbian kiss on her lips. The reasoning for this would later be revealed as revenge for AJ doing the same thing to Daniel Bryan at the Wrestlemania 28 pay-per-view and costing him the World Heavyweight Championship. And now Brie has cost AJ the Divas Championship. As soon as the geek goddess backs up into Nikki Bella, Nikki heaves the skinny chick on her shoulders and plants her down in a move called the Rack Attack. Nikki pinned AJ 1-2-3 and became the new champion in less than 30 seconds.

When I reviewed the match between Daniel Bryan and Sheamus at Wrestlemania 28, I gave it a failing grade because I wanted to see a war between those two. I wanted bloodshed, bruising, beatings, and battles and all I got was 18 seconds of garbage. I should apply the same logic to this match, but really, who wants to see two skinny divas with no meat on their bones prance around the ring like pixies? That meat on the bones comment wasn’t a joke; when AJ Lee gets put in a submission hold, you can see her ribcage. Yuck!

When Jim Ross said the divas division needed help, he knew exactly who could help them. If you’re tired of pointless divas matches on WWE, fear not, because the end is not the answer. All you have to do is subscribe to Hulu or the WWE Network and watch a weekly Wednesday show called NXT. The NXT divas are MUCH different from the ones on the main roster. Not only do they know how to wrestle, they know how to wrestle five-star matches. Who will ever forget the epic encounter between Charlotte (Ric Flair’s daughter) and Natalya (Bret Hart’s niece) over the vacant NXT Women’s Championship, where technical wrestling and meaty bodies were on tap that night. What about the match at NXT Unstoppable between Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks? Those two put it all on the line and did moves that no skinny model chick could ever do. Hell, those two matches had the crowd chanting, “This is wrestling!” Yes, it is, Full Sail University. Yes, it is.

Can the divas division on WWE’s main roster be saved? I’d like to think it can. I try to be optimistic about that sort of thing. The only way it can happen is if WWE puts more emphasis on wrestling (the second W) than entertainment (the E), but then again, mocking women who can’t wrestle isn’t very entertaining for any crowd.

Brutus Knightwing

NAME: Brutus Knightwing
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: Giant Wrestling Federation


Brutus Knightwing is seven feet tall and weighs somewhere north of 325 lbs. For a man of his size, he is light on his feet and can perform wrestling moves cruiserweights normally pull off (spinning wheel kick, cross body block, and springboard elbow drop). In a wrestling promotion like GWF, his speed was a valuable asset in earning him three World Championships and five Tag Team Championships with fellow giant Andreas Rude. The Wrestling Observer Reading Magazine (WORM) rated Brutus the Most Improved Wrestler of 2010 and 2011. With this kind of impressive resume, Brutus should be a perfect fit in just about any promotion he goes to. Even Vinnie Mac & Cheese at WWE would drool over this mountain of muscle.

Unfortunately for Brutus, he never got to see the light of day beyond my computer folders. Wrestling RPG’s (good ones, anyways) are few and far between these days. The last time I took part in a wrestling RPG was when OTT Wrestling was still active on Play By Web dot com (obviously before I was banned from the latter). OTT (Over the Top) was where Occupy Wrestling hero Mitch McLeod got his start. He became so brutal and so popular that I had to make him the main character of my novel. But this was back in 2002. I didn’t conceive Brutus Knightwing until late in 2010, exactly five years after I was banned from Play By Web for not getting along with the admins.

When I say good wrestling RPG’s, I’m talking about games where the players get to act out the matches (objective) instead of just cut promos all the time and hope the admin likes them enough to let them win (subjective). Victory through promos is good in theory, but terrible in practice since admins tend to favor promos that are multiple pages long instead of actually good. Only by acting out the matches do the players have any control over their own destinies. Brutus Knightwing would have thrived in OTT, but drowned everywhere else.

And if he drowns in every RPG where talking is the key to victory, that means the only other option for Brutus is to put him in a novel of some kind. Because of his seven-foot tall stature and intimidating first and last name, he will obviously have to play a villain. As someone’s henchman, he could be a big dumb muscle man who throws people around like rag dolls. As a ruler, he could be vicious and quite possibly a conqueror. Yes, ruling would require some form of charisma that most seven-footers don’t have. But who says that the charisma can’t come from a tribal perspective. He could be a raging barbarian who screams his way through battle and rips everyone to pieces. He wouldn’t even need a weapon unless he was wrestling again, in which case he would use a steel chair.

Do you want to know why Vince McMahon prefers muscle-bound wrestlers over smaller ones? It’s because he believes they’re more marketable to the public. They look good when made into toys, printed on posters, and published in magazines. There is a little bit of truth to this. After all, Rey Mysterio on the cover of Muscle & Fitness doesn’t seem right. But here’s where the “internet dorks” clash with Vince: the smaller guys conquering the bigger guys is a more amazing story. Of course the bigger guy is going to win because that’s what we expect. If we get what we expect, the element of surprise is gone. But if a little runt like Daniel Bryan can get a hulking ogre like Kane to submit to the LeBelle Lock, then it’s a memory that’s going to blow everyone’s mind. Brutus Knightwing is a natural villain, and villains were meant to be conquered. Neil Gaiman said it himself: fantasy teaches us that not only are dragons real, they can be defeated.

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

BAD NEWS BARRETT: The last time Rob Van Dam was relevant, I was still in diapers!

MICHAEL COLE: So Barrett wore diapers as a teenager?

WWE Wrestlemania 28: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the latter’s World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 28
YEAR: 2012
RATING: TV-PG for mild violence
GRADE: Fail

Sheamus was first on WWE television in 2009 as part of the revived version of ECW (which wasn’t anything like the original, unfortunately). He had the size, strength, and athleticism that WWE management loves in a potential World Champion. Naturally, they booked him to go on an undefeated streak for months on end, even having him win the WWE Championship in December of that year from John Cena in a Tables Match. While the muscular and gigantic Irishman was mowing over opponents left and right, he even caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in 2010, who deemed him the Most Improved Wrestler of that year.

Daniel Bryan is the exact opposite of Sheamus. He arrived on WWE television in 2010 as part of the show that replaced ECW called NXT, where he was a “rookie” learning from The Miz. From the first day in the WWE, Daniel Bryan was disrespected by his peers and even caused play-by-play announcer Michael Cole to turn heel in an effort to bury him on commentary. During his time on NXT, Bryan amassed a win-loss record of 0-10 and continued to be booked in losing situations throughout 2010 and 2011. He won the World Heavyweight Championship from the Big Show in December of 2011, but only because he had the Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in at a vulnerable opportunity.

All of this hatred for Bryan from WWE management stemmed from his “dorky” personality and short stature. And yet, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awarded him Match of the Year one time and Most Outstanding and Best Technical Wrestler multiple times during his career on the independent circuit. The clash of opinions between the “internet dorks” and WWE management was not lost on the audience.

Fast forward to 2012 where Sheamus is a wildly popular baby face and Daniel Bryan is a cowardly heel who celebrates disqualification and count-out victories. Sheamus won the Royal Rumble in January and got to choose which World Champion to face at Wrestlemania: CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. Sheamus chose the latter of those two and the match was booked.

But having a match booked in advance is very different from having a match properly promoted. In most normal championship matches, the baby face is the one who has to overcome insurmountable odds to win the belt. Not the case with Sheamus. He had the size and the violent momentum while Daniel Bryan was running away and being a sheepish coward. Betting the house on Sheamus winning in convincing fashion would make you a rich man by now.

And then the World Heavyweight Championship match took place at Wrestlemania 28. The fans in attendance were expecting a war between these two. They expected Sheamus’ powerful brawling style to clash with Daniel Bryan’s fast-paced technical style in a battle where concussions, blood, and welts would have been considered normal. Here’s how it really went down. Daniel Bryan’s storyline girlfriend AJ Lee gets on the apron and the two of them share a pre-match kiss. Daniel Bryan turns around and gets a Brogue Kick to the face, which is Sheamus’ finishing move. Sheamus pins Bryan 1-2-3 and wins the title in a record-setting 18 seconds. When Five Finger Death Punch put out the album “War Is the Answer”, they clearly didn’t have this drive-by abortion of a match in mind.

To say that the fans were pissed off would be an understatement. To say that they were in a riotous rage would be more appropriate assumption. The fans booed Sheamus out of the building (despite him being a baby face) and cheered wildly for Daniel Bryan (despite him being a heel). You have to remember that this is a new day in wrestling. The fans won’t blindly cheer for baby faces and blindly boo heels anymore. With universal internet access, you can find out backstage facts about your favorite wrestlers and form your own opinion of them. The fans still love Daniel Bryan to this day and cheer their heads off for him everywhere he goes. The WWE tried to bury his legacy and now he’s the most popular guy on the roster. The fans got ripped off and the bookers for this match have egg on their faces.

At this point, it shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore that WWE management doesn’t enjoy the work of Daniel Bryan. However, I believe his attempted burial at Wrestlemania 28 had more to do with something else disturbing. A few weeks before his match with Sheamus, Daniel Bryan interfered in a match featuring Randy Orton and caused a No Contest when he clocked Orton in the back of the head with his title belt. Randy Orton was diagnosed with a concussion and written of WWE television for the next few weeks.

If you’re knowledgeable of backstage politics like I am, you know why concussing Randy Orton is a big deal. The man is the corporate face of WWE. He has all the big matches and all the movie deals, so he has a lot of power when it comes to making decisions about other wrestlers.

In 2009, he complained to management after a wrestler by the name of Mr. Kennedy “botched” a back suplex on him. Mr. Kennedy was fired the next day. Kofi Kingston was in a match with Orton and “botched” the ending. Now Kofi Kingston is a mid-card joke. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins called Randy Orton out for botching part of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match in 2013. Those two lost their Tag Team Championship months later. So it’s okay for Orton to botch as many times as he wants, but for other people to botch is suddenly heresy. That’s how much power Randy Orton has; he’s untouchable. He just might be the reason why Daniel Bryan lost his championship in 18 seconds. I don’t know, but it’s a damn good guess.

Ever since that god-awful championship match, Sheamus continued to steamroll through opponents and Daniel Bryan continued to be underrated in defeat. But don’t feel too bad for Daniel Bryan, because after forming a successful tag team with Kane, the fans REALLY started to get behind him and he won three more World Titles. But here’s the thing: he didn’t win those titles by being cowardly and sneaky. He won them by being a superior wrestler to his opponents. Hell, at Wrestlemania 30, he defeated three future Hall of Famers in the same night to become the new World Champion, in what would be the most defining moment of Bryan’s career. The moral of the story: you can bury Bryan all you want, but he’s going to keep scratching and clawing until he breathes fresh oxygen once again.

WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar

TITLE: WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match

RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and language

GRADE: Pass

In order to appreciate the sheer brutality of this main event match for John Cena’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship, it’s important to understand the back story of both competitors, the champion John Cena and the challenger Brock Lesnar.

John Cena started his career in the WWE in 2002, won his first world championship in 2005, and ever since then has become the cornerstone of WWE as well as a 15-time world champion. In other words, he’s not just some schmuck from the gym. Even the heel announcers are calling John Cena a future Hall of Famer. He gave 12 years of his life to the wrestling business and has made epic memories throughout his entire career.

Brock Lesnar is an entirely different animal. He hates the wrestling business and hates people even more. He’s a mercenary with a lust for money and inflicting pain on others. He too started in the WWE in 2002, but after winning multiple world titles left in 2004 to pursue other athletic careers. His most noteworthy achievement outside of WWE is being a former UFC Heavyweight Champion with victories over Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir. He returned to WWE in 2012 on a part-time basis and did the impossible: he defeated The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30 and handed him his first defeat at that pay-per-view.

The hype surrounding this upcoming Summer Slam main event was epic. It was a battle everybody wanted to see. And when it was all said and done, Brock Lesnar shocked the world yet again. This wasn’t just a professional wrestling match. This was something John Cena would later call a “100% ass-kicking” at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The match was only 30 seconds old and already Lesnar hit Cena with his finishing move: a fireman’s carry face buster called the F5. But Lesnar was far from finished.

Using his MMA background, he delivered hard knees, wrecking ball fists, and battleaxe elbows to John Cena, rendering him so helpless that the offence he could muster was extremely minimal. On top of those hard strikes, Brock Lesnar delivered 16 German suplexes to his opponent and left him gasping for air and struggling for clear vision.

Did I mention already that John Cena is a 15-time world champion and a future Hall of Famer? Okay, I was just making sure. It would seem unrealistic that a man with John Cena’s illustrious credentials would suffer a beating as torturous as that and not have anything left to give of his own. But that’s the way it happened and Brock Lesnar won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in convincing fashion, as Michael Cole put it.

The hype leading up to this match along with the sheer brutality of Lesnar’s offence was enough to convince Dave Meltzer, a well-respected wrestling historian, to give the performance 4.25 stars out of 5. I’m not speaking for Mr. Meltzer, but I’m guessing the reason it didn’t get the full five was because John Cena took a long time to recover from each suplex and strike and it slowed the match down considerably.

I’m normally all about fast-paced matches, but in the case of Lesnar vs. Cena, I can make an exception. This match was maximum brutality and resulted in a huge push for Brock Lesnar. If somebody were to defeat him for the WWE World Title, it would be an admirable and heroic feat. You might have to search far and wide for a wrestler who’s willing to do that, but he’s there, trust me.

As for John Cena, his future was being questioned after taking such a devastating beating. Triple H, the man in charge at the time, considered not giving him his obligatory rematch. A panel of Hall of Famers, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan, actually got together to debate whether John Cena would be ready for another rematch or if he should just retire since Lesnar’s unstoppable.

If John Cena ever did get another chance at the title, he would have a huge mountain to climb. If he climbed that mountain, it would give him the biggest boost in his career and would pretty much seal the deal for a Hall of Fame induction.

To prove he was ready, Cena did the exact same thing to Bray Wyatt during an episode of Raw that Brock Lesnar did to Cena at Summer Slam: delivered a 100% ass-kicking. Bray Wyatt’s a 300-lb wrecking ball, not some loser off the streets, so giving him a 100% beating is a heroic feat in and of itself.

Everything about this Summer Slam match from the in-ring action to the hype to the aftermath was well-executed on the part of WWE. Some would question their decision to make Brock Lesnar the champion since he’s on a part-time schedule and won’t defend it that often. I don’t question it, because main event pay-per-view matches in the WWE are still top quality without Lesnar’s presence. Isn’t that right, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins?

John Bush and George Kerry

Although I’m using former WWE superstars The Basham Brothers as a reference picture, I don’t want you to think John Bush and George Kerry are anything like them except for how they look. During their time in the WWE, Doug and Danny Basham were former WWE Tag Team Champions and had various gimmicks. They started out as a generic tag team and over time became bondage slaves for Shaniqua, secret service agents for John Bradshaw Layfield, and armored security guards for Paul Heyman. While the Basham Brothers don’t work for WWE anymore, they did leave something behind for the fans to remember them by.

John Bush and George Kerry are nothing like that. They are the definition of what a generic tag team should be. They come out to the ring wearing underwear-style tights and boots, they never get the chance to use a microphone, and their theme music is “Voices Inside My Head” by The Police (no disrespect to Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland). Their wrestling maneuvers include generic things like the scoop slam, the vertical suplex, the hip toss, the running clothesline, and the double axe handle off the top rope. In short, the most creative thing about John Bush and George Kerry is how they got their ring names: by swapping the names of the 2004 Presidential Election contenders John Kerry (Democrat) and George W. Bush (Republican).

You’re asking yourself why I would ever have a use for plain Jane motherfuckers like John Bush and George Kerry. Maybe it’s because they’re a manifestation of what I’m like when in public. On the internet, I have a strong presence. I post short stories, Fireball Nightmare chapters, Garrison’s Library entries, Deviant Art journals, and the occasional thread on a Good Reads group I’m a part of. Even in the real world when I’m talking with my own friends and family, I’m popping off jokes left and right and never miss a beat.

In public life, I’m anything but exciting. I keep to myself except for when I make a purchase, I never smile, I never say “Hi” to anybody, and whenever somebody tries to make conversation with me, I give them the most basic, short answer I can find. For example, when I’m getting a quarter-yearly buzz cut at Hair Masters, my barber will try to make small talk with me. She’ll ask me things like, “What do you do for a living?” and my answer is simple: “I’m unemployed”, an answer that is delivered with a blunt affect. Sometimes she’ll ask, “What are your plans for the evening?” and I’ll say, “I don’t have any.” Personally, I’m never in the mood for small talk with someone who is only friendly to me because I’m a customer and not because they’re actually interested in my boring ass life.

John Bush and George Kerry are a representation of my plain Jane traits. I often fantasize about being a manager in the WWE and having verbal spats with Stephanie McMahon and Triple H (both of which deserve the Wrestling Observer Newsletter award this year for Worst Gimmick). Unfortunately, if I tried to be as talkative in the ring as I am on the internet, I would stutter and my voice power would be minimal. That’s why I hated giving presentations in college and high school: I fumble over my words too easily and the teacher penalizes me for basically being a hardcore introvert. But if John Bush and George Kerry are going to rage against the machine and tell everybody they’re full of shit, they’ll cease to become boring in the eyes of the public. Maybe they’ll get better names and better gimmicks as a result of that. Who knows?

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JBL: You’d be in a bad mood if you won the lottery!

MICHAEL COLE: I did win the lottery and I only got two dollars!

"Chalk Outline" by Three Days Grace

When you leave your mark on this world, what will it be in the form of? Will it be a painting that hangs proudly on the museum walls? Will it be a piece of fan fiction on Deviant Art? Will it be stone sculpture in the middle of a water park where dogs and children play? Or will you be a chalk outline on the sidewalk waiting for the rain to wash it away? If you’ve heard the song “Chalk Outline” by Three Days Grace, you know exactly where this is coming from.

Some people are still walking and breathing and yet they feel like chalk outlines anyways. They’re stressed out at work, bored with their relationships, and tired of their general routines. If this scenario makes you feel like a chalk outline, it may be time to try something new. After all, Einstein always said the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day and expecting different results.

You don’t necessarily have to be an artist or a celebrity of any kind in order to make an impression on this world. Sometimes giving other people something to think about is enough. Even the smallest act of kindness can be the difference between life or death in the mind of another person. Let’s say you buy a homeless man a cup of coffee and a donut. You think that homeless man will judge you for being a chalk outline? It’s hard to do that with a mouthful of dough and sugar. That spike in his blood cholesterol may have improved his mood to where he actually forgot he was dealt a crappy hand.

What about a panting dog trapped in a car during the summertime blues? You think he’ll be grateful if you smash the car window and get him out of that boiling cauldron of a vehicle? How about a barista who’s working a nine to five position at the coffee bar at Barnes & Noble. You think she’ll be grateful for generous tips after her paychecks don’t even break the minimum wage limit? Maybe you’re in a relationship with a girl who’s feeling self-conscious about how a dress is making her look “fat”. You think she’d appreciate it if you told her she looked fantastic? Maybe even sexy?

People like to downplay themselves as being chalk outlines despite the random acts of kindness they commit and it’s unfortunate they do that. They believe memories will eventually fade when the person gets older and Alzheimer’s kicks in. That’s a myth and a half. I don’t care how old you are, because if somebody gives you an adrenaline shot of happiness, you’re probably going to use that memory to replace any bad memories that are haunting your mind like a traumatic ghost.

This may not be the exact message Adam Gontier was thinking of when he wrote this song for Three Days Grace. But just like with any piece of art, the audience is free to interpret it any way they want. That’s why Good Reads authors are encouraged not to explain themselves to people who gave them one or two-star reviews. Even those who absorb the media have the right to be free from the thought police’s brutality. I’m not saying Adam Gontier would ever do that to his fans, I’m just talking in general terms.

I do wish Mr. Gontier good luck in his solo career. I don’t necessarily agree with his decision to leave Three Days Grace since he was such an influential member. But who am I to tell him he’s wrong? If he needs to get away from the group for a while and focus on himself, he’s going to do that without repercussions. Sometimes a permanent sabbatical is just what the doctor ordered. Isn’t that right, CM Punk?

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If you don’t win the NXT World Title, you won’t be known as Tyson Kidd. You’ll be known as Natalya’s husband.”

-Michael Cole-

"Rebellion" by CFO$

For my 29^th birthday, my sister-in-law turned platonic life partner Susan got me a Roku device, which is basically an on-demand service for my TV. One of the things I downloaded with this Roku was the WWE Network and one of the shows I watch on the WWE Network is NXT, where superstars put on kick-ass matches until they’re called to the main WWE roster to perform on Raw or Smackdown. Two of those wrestlers who brutalize their opponents and climb the ladder of success are Konnor and Viktor, better known as The Ascension.

Every WWE superstar and diva needs their own entrance music to psych them up before a big match. Those entrance themes are created by CFO$. So what kind of music do you give two barbarians like Konnor and Viktor, who both have bodies of Greek titans and the rage of jungle beasts? In order to match their primitive aggression, you need music that is equally aggressive and hard-hitting. That’s where the CFO$ song “Rebellion” comes in.

If you’re standing in the opposite corner from The Ascension and you hear “Rebellion” in all of its heavy metal double bass drum glory playing, you’d better be wearing a diaper. Those two barbarians aren’t there to magic tricks or put on a ballet recital. Konnor and Viktor are there for one reason: to rip their opponents to pieces like a pack of rabid wolves on a wounded deer. You talk about meat on the table? That’s cute, because in order to feed The Ascension’s appetite for blood and flesh, you’d need an entire meat truck full of juicy morsels.

Listening to badass heavy metal music and watching The Ascension in action is very inspiring for an author like me who uses anger and aggression in his writing. Along with Diablo II, this NXT tag team has restored my faith in the barbarian’s ways. Eat, sleep, rage, repeat. I too wish to have characters in my story who emulate this violent lifestyle. I’m already trying to do that with Deus and Diva Shadowheart and their Fireball Nightmare story. I’ve already done it with short stories in my Dragon Machinegun e-book. I will do it again with Dragon Machinegun 2: Reload.

The barbaric tribes are hungry and there’s so much tender flesh for them to consume. To quote Ryback before he turned heel in the WWE, feed me more! And who cares about forks and knives when you’ve got an oversized battleaxe in either hand. Or a morning star. Or a sword. Or a spear. Or maybe even the NXT Tag Team Championship belts. Either way, somebody is having lunch today and it’s going to be delicious!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Everything I say goes right over Michael Cole’s head. It’s like throwing a Frisbee to a guy sitting down.”

-John “Bradshaw” Layfield-