WWE Survivor Series: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella

MATCH: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Fail


Legendary WWE commentator Jim Ross said it best when being interviewed by Give Me Sport: “The diva’s division is in trouble.” He didn’t mince words, he didn’t sugarcoat, he told it like it is. From the 1990’s to the 2000’s, women’s wrestling in the WWE didn’t used to be all that painful to watch. Back then, you had high flyers like Lita, technical geniuses like Trish Stratus, and muscle-bound neck snappers like Chyna. They didn’t just roll around to entice the male viewers; they actually put on wrestling clinics. There were even times when the wrestled men that were much bigger and stronger than them. Fast forward to the 2010’s and Trish Stratus and Lita are in the WWE Hall of Fame while Chyna has been snubbed due to her being a porn actress who could be Googled by small children.

My, how the times have changed. Today’s divas division isn’t about wrestling or enticement anymore. It’s about making the women look inferior to the men. Instead of badass wrestlers like the ones I’ve mentioned in the first paragraph, you’ve got super skinny lingerie models with pretty faces and Barbie bodies struggling to perform the most basic wrestling maneuvers whether they’re clotheslines, scoop slams, suplexes, or dropkicks. You think we’re going to get a divas Hell in a Cell match anytime soon? If we did, it would only last 30 seconds like most women’s matches did in the 2010’s. It got so bad that as a heel announcer at the time, Michael Cole would go out of his way to bury the divas division, whether he was pretending to sleep at the announce table or picking up a microphone to tell the girls to hurry up and finish their matches. People like to say that there are real wrestlers in this division like Paige, Natalya, and Naomi, but when placed in the ring with Barbie dolls, their chemistry is screwed up and it turns out to be a less than 1-star match.

At Survivor Series in 2014, it was more of the same when AJ Lee was scheduled to defend her WWE Divas Championship against Nikki Bella with the latter’s twin sister Brie hanging around at ringside. In 2013 on the same pay-per-view, AJ Lee, Nikki Bella, and a bunch of other divas competed in a 7-on-7 elimination tag team match, which caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter as the Worst Worked Match of 2013.

Fast forward to the buildup towards Survivor Series 2014 and Nikki and Brie were actually feuding with each other. With piss-poor acting, no real reason for the feud to happen, unrealistic dialogue, and appearances by Stephanie McMahon and Jerry Springer, this rivalry would go on to win Worst Feud of 2014, also in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. So far, the Bella Twins collectively have won two awards from that publication, but not in a good way. It didn’t help matters that the twins also received a Gooker Award from Wrestlecrap.com for their rivalry. Nice job, ladies.

And now we come to Survivor Series 2014 in what is supposed to be a competitive match-up for the Divas Championship. AJ Lee aka Mrs. CM Punk is ready for action against the challenger Nikki Bella aka Mrs. John Cena. The bell is rung and the match begins…but not without Brie Bella aka Mrs. Daniel Bryan standing on the ring apron wanting AJ Lee’s attention. Once Brie got it, she pulled AJ’s face into hers and planted a not-so-romantic lesbian kiss on her lips. The reasoning for this would later be revealed as revenge for AJ doing the same thing to Daniel Bryan at the Wrestlemania 28 pay-per-view and costing him the World Heavyweight Championship. And now Brie has cost AJ the Divas Championship. As soon as the geek goddess backs up into Nikki Bella, Nikki heaves the skinny chick on her shoulders and plants her down in a move called the Rack Attack. Nikki pinned AJ 1-2-3 and became the new champion in less than 30 seconds.

When I reviewed the match between Daniel Bryan and Sheamus at Wrestlemania 28, I gave it a failing grade because I wanted to see a war between those two. I wanted bloodshed, bruising, beatings, and battles and all I got was 18 seconds of garbage. I should apply the same logic to this match, but really, who wants to see two skinny divas with no meat on their bones prance around the ring like pixies? That meat on the bones comment wasn’t a joke; when AJ Lee gets put in a submission hold, you can see her ribcage. Yuck!

When Jim Ross said the divas division needed help, he knew exactly who could help them. If you’re tired of pointless divas matches on WWE, fear not, because the end is not the answer. All you have to do is subscribe to Hulu or the WWE Network and watch a weekly Wednesday show called NXT. The NXT divas are MUCH different from the ones on the main roster. Not only do they know how to wrestle, they know how to wrestle five-star matches. Who will ever forget the epic encounter between Charlotte (Ric Flair’s daughter) and Natalya (Bret Hart’s niece) over the vacant NXT Women’s Championship, where technical wrestling and meaty bodies were on tap that night. What about the match at NXT Unstoppable between Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks? Those two put it all on the line and did moves that no skinny model chick could ever do. Hell, those two matches had the crowd chanting, “This is wrestling!” Yes, it is, Full Sail University. Yes, it is.

Can the divas division on WWE’s main roster be saved? I’d like to think it can. I try to be optimistic about that sort of thing. The only way it can happen is if WWE puts more emphasis on wrestling (the second W) than entertainment (the E), but then again, mocking women who can’t wrestle isn’t very entertaining for any crowd.

"The Sisters Brothers" by Patrick DeWitt

Whether you’re rooting against the title characters or for them, The Sisters Brothers (Charlie and Eli) will capture your imagination in one way or another. They can disturb you by killing everyone who crosses them. They can amaze you with little acts of humanity. Sometimes the two extremes will intermingle and create a thought-provoking story as written by Patrick DeWitt. Try as they might to get along and complete their mercenary work, Eli and Charlie could not be more different. Eli is the first character between the two of them who shows humanity in this novel. Charlie is just a nasty homicidal lunatic who will kill and fuck anything that walks. These two clashing personalities have to cancel each other out if they’re going to get any work done. Their assignment? Kill off a “thief” prospector by the name of Hermann Warm for the sake of exacting the Commodore’s revenge. The Sisters Brothers know nothing of Hermann Warm except small tales here and there. It’s all the same to them as they get ready to pull the trigger on this assignment. But the further along they get, the more Eli begins to question whether or not what they’re doing is right. Yes, the money is good and it’ll feed them well for years to come, but is there any real rhyme or reason to any of this? Why can’t Eli and Charlie just open up a trading post like any other normal human being in wild west Oregon and California? Wrestling with their consciences is something the brothers have to do all throughout the story, whether it’s shooting a man they know nothing about, taking care of a sickly horse, sending an orphaned boy in the right direction, or anything else that happens in this novel. Patrick DeWitt didn’t just write a mindless bloodbath. He wrote a thoughtful and intense narrative that anyone with even the slightest moral dilemma can relate to. Yes, I said “relate” in a story about the wild west. My references are slightly off, but that just goes to show you how powerful of a narrative Patrick DeWitt wrote. If nothing else, it should be a fun read filled with darkness and small moments of giggly behavior. I enjoyed all 328 pages of it and damn it, you will too. It may not be the fastest thing you’ll read, but it’s still a lovable work of art. Yes, I called it a work of art. If you don’t believe me, just look at the cover and see if you notice the double entendre. It could either be two brothers standing in front of the full moon or a skeletal warrior in a trench coat. Whoever designed the cover pretty much sealed the deal for Patrick DeWitt getting noticed. That, and it’s an intense read to begin with.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Wealth is not about how much you make, it’s about how much you save. I’ve known guys who make millions and yet they can’t even buy you a cup of coffee.”

-Jim Ross-

Getting Better

I recently watched a shoot interview with WWE Hall of Fame commentator Jim Ross in which he said that in order to be successful in the wrestling industry, one of the things you have to do is be willing to improve every day. The same thing applies with every field out there, including writing. Whether you’re just starting out in your mid-teens like I did or you’re well in your elder years, you always have room for improvement. In order to improve, you have to listen to three different sources: your elders, your peers, and the authors you’re currently reading and enjoying. I will say that you don’t necessarily have to agree with everything they say. In fact, every author should have a filter for the things they listen to. For example, if an author is being bombarded with insults and hatred, it’s probably a good idea not to draw inspiration from those people. If on the other hand an author is being sensitively critiqued by someone who genuinely wants him to succeed, then listening to those people is probably a better idea. The key word there is sensitively. You don’t want to be critiqued by someone who takes delight in hurting your feelings. But you also don’t want to misconstrue every piece of critique as hateful and tormenting. A good critique giver will tell you three different things about your work: what you did right, what you did wrong, and how you can correct the things you did wrong. Critique isn’t just a laundry list of complaints. Telling an author what they did right can be as informative as what they did wrong. It lets them know what to continue doing as well as what to stop doing. And when the editor gives the author advice on how to fix the problems in his work, it lets him know that he’s not alone in the struggle to have a presentable manuscript and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, pardon the cliché. When you surround yourself with people who can balance kindness and honesty, your game will improve dramatically. When you surround yourself with hate mongers, your career will be over before it begins. The journey to authorship should be one of happiness and excitement, not despair and sadness. If it wasn’t for people like Stephen Mertz, Carolyn Walker, Kathie Giorgio, and my army of friends on Good Reads, I would have never known what kind critique was. It’s because of those people that my game has improved dramatically from hyperbolic mediocrity to fast-paced simplicity. I want to give thanks to all the people I’ve mentioned both specifically and generally. I hope they’re reading.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Zesty and tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in everyday conversation. They’re advertising words. Has anyone ever turned to you and said, ‘This is real zesty! And tangy too!’?”

-George Carlin-

"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne

Ever hear the phrase, “You get out what you put in?” Keep this phrase in mind as you read “The Secret” from cover to cover. This self-help guide reiterates something known as the Law of Attraction, where your thoughts have a direct influence on how your life is going to be. If you firmly believe something hard enough, it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know, I know, you’re tempted to laugh at this idea and write it off as being “new age bullshit”. The only reason why you’re saying this is because you haven’t tried it yet. A little positive thinking never hurt anybody. And when you begin to think positive, don’t just do it in the sense of good or bad, do it in the sense of yes and no. This makes a huge difference. For example, when you’re driving to work in rush hour traffic, don’t tell yourself that you’re “not going to be late”. There’s a huge difference between not being late and being on time. Tell yourself something like “I’m going to make it” or “I’ll show up on time no problem”. According to the Law of Attraction, the guy who says “I’ll show up on time” will make it to work long before the guy who says “I’m not going to be late”. Sounds crazy, but it makes a difference. And when you give yourself positive feedback, make sure you’re in a happy and calm mood instead of being aggressively stressed out. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down whether it’s playing a comedy album or an Enya CD. Positive thoughts will entail positive results every single time. If you want examples as to how the Law of Attraction has worked for me, listen to this. When I tried to start out small, which is what the book suggests, I kept telling myself that I was going to get fried chicken for supper and I said it with unyielding conviction. The more I told myself this, the stronger the belief became. Low and behold, the very next night, mom brings home a gigantic bag of Albertson’s Fried Chicken along with Cascade Ice drinks. Needless to say, that was one satisfying meal. Keeping with the theme of chicken, the Law of Attraction has also worked against me whenever I was highly stressed out. I was shopping at Albertson’s and was in a huge rush to get home and watch WWE Monday Night Raw. I was convinced that I was going to be late if I didn’t hurry up. I buy chicken from the counter and wait in a huge line for the checkout isle. By the time I ring myself up, the price on the chicken turned out to be $33 for eight pieces of white meat. I go back to the deli, get the price corrected, and go back into the long line for the checkout isle. When I get home to watch TV, not only did I miss the first few seconds of the show, but the chicken was dry and flavorless. So what do you say, my lovely audience. Will you buy “The Secret” and try this theory out? You’ve got nothing to lose except for the money you spent buying the book, which isn’t exactly a huge amount. Just try it. Don’t blow it off. Try it!

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RYBACK: Feed me more!
JIM ROSS: That’s what I say everyday.

"Countdown to Lockdown" by Mick Foley

“Thank you, Vince McMahon, for making my decision to leave WWE an easy one!” These were the words spoken by Mick Foley when he jumped ship from World Wrestling Entertainment to Total Nonstop Action Wrestling in 2008. If he hadn’t jumped ship, he wouldn’t have had an amazing match with Sting at Lockdown for the TNA World Championship. “Countdown to Lockdown” is a memoir that documents Mick Foley’s moments leading up to his main event match at that same pay-per-view along with the events that led him to leave WWE. This book was published in 2010, a time in Foley’s life where his wrestling career is on hold due to his advanced age and the many injuries he’s accumulated along the way. The number of matches he wrestled during the time documented in this memoir was not the normal amount that a much younger wrestler would have from week to week. One of the things Foley did to make himself useful within the WWE was color commentary on Friday Night Smackdown. Being at that booth was one of the many reasons why leaving WWE was so easy for him since Vince McMahon would actually scream and cuss at him through the headsets while he did commentary. And then you have the many storylines that Vince came up with that would have been worthy of an award for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. The Katie Vick storyline was a huge example of this since it involved murder and necrophilia. And then there was the time Vince McMahon did a skit where he mocked Jim Ross’s colon surgery. But the one storyline that set Mick Foley off was Vince’s limousine exploding and apparently “killing” him. Foley felt that this storyline cheapened death around a time where a WWE superstar had actually died: Chris Benoit. Upon leaving WWE due to these disgraceful storylines, Foley trained hard to get in shape for the few matches he had in TNA. He practiced promotional monologues in order to get people to buy the Lockdown pay-per-view in the first place. All of his time and effort paid off in the end since his match with Sting turned out to be more than just “good enough for his age”. It was spectacular. These words are coming from a guy who doesn’t have any illusions about what he does or how long he’s going to do it, which makes the story all the more believable and Foley a likable guy. It also helps that he can be lighthearted in moments where he’s putting his body on the line and crack a few jokes. We may never know when Mick Foley’s wrestling career will end, but I certainly hope his creative writing days will continue beyond his retirement.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I have a question for Damien Sandow. If Michael Cole’s stupidity is a handicap, will he get a better parking space?”

-Jerry Lawler-