Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2016

***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2016***

Over the years of doing these kinds of journals, I’ve always rationalized posting these by saying it’s all in the name of creative fuel. Only a handful of times has a disgusting promotional tactic in wrestling and MMA resulted in any artistic ideas or stories. I might as well come clean while I’ve got the chance. I love shocking the hell out of people. I’ve loved it since hearing my first George Carlin routine as a sophomore in high school. When Susan was living with us, I’d tell her about these awful promotional tactics and she’d give me this wide-eyed stare while yelling, “That’s fucked up!” Think of this as combining my love for shocking people with my love for pro-wrestling and MMA. In the year 2016, nine items were nominated for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Nine! I’ll analyze each item from winner to last place and I’ll see if I can get those gasps out of you guys. This somehow reminds me of the Disney movie Monsters Inc. Hehe! Let’s get started!

WINNER: Bellator MMA booking a fight between Kimbo Slice and Dada 5000.

ANALYSIS: Having a mind-numbingly boring match on a pay-per-view card isn’t necessarily a recipe for offensiveness (unless you paid a shit-load of money to see it). When both fighters are older than dust, overweight, dehydrated, and have to be helped out of their stools in between rounds, then I can see how it might be just a tad exploitative. It doesn’t help matters that Kimbo Slice died in mid-2016 just a day after Muhammad Ali passed as well. Putting fighters in danger and putting fans to sleep: Jesus, Bellator!

SECOND PLACE: Brock Lesnar bloodying Randy Orton’s forehead with stiff elbows.

ANALYSIS: While I admit that booking this muscle freak Brock Lesnar as a 21^st century killing machine is smart on WWE’s part, concussing Randy Orton just to get some blood on TV is going a little too far. I don’t mind blood on a TV-PG pay-per-view. Hell, I was with the fans at NXT TakeOver: Dallas when they chanted “Fuck PG!” after Samoa Joe was busted open. But if you’re a company that’s trying to fight off a concussion lawsuit, stiff elbows to the forehead might not be the way to go. Let’s not forget how Chris Benoit met his unfortunate end. Andrew “Test” Martin, too.

THIRD PLACE: Adam Rose using his domestic violence mug shot as a T-shirt design.

ANALYSIS: Domestic violence is bad enough, but when you’re sticking your mug shot on a T-shirt and selling it online, that’s pretty much like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s like those cops in New York wearing T-shirts that say, “Breathe easy, don’t break the law” after they choked the shit out of that black dude. In Adam Rose’s case, he justified his actions by saying it’s a celebration of making it through dark times and even said his wife suggested that the mug shot go on a white tank top. Get it? Because it’s called a wifebeater? Ha, ha, ha…ha, ha….ugh…

FOURTH PLACE: Lucha Underground booking intergender matches.

ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, this was a candidate for the award in 2015 as well. It’s also the only item so far that has garnered a short story idea for me. It’s called “Gender Blind” and it’s about an MMA promotion that books their first man vs. woman match and generates a shit-ton of controversy in the process. Supporters of Lucha Underground could argue equality between men and women, but come on, what’s so equal about Pentagon Jr. slapping the shit out of Sexy Star? Maybe they should put their mug shots on a T-shirt and generate more revenue.

FIFTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking a fight between Gabi Garcia and Shinobu Kandori.

ANALYSIS: Thank god this match didn’t actually take place, but Kandori’s replacement wasn’t any less of a mismatch with Gabi Garcia. Miss Garcia is a young lady with more muscles and veins on her body than actual skin while Kandori’s replacement is a super old former professional wrestler with a broken down body and a shorter stature. Not surprisingly, Gabi Garcia won the fight via TKO in a short amount of time, much like a high school football player beating up a fifth grader for his lunch money.

SIXTH PLACE: TNA withholding payments to Billy Corgan.

ANALYSIS: In addition to being the front man for The Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan is also passionate about pro-wrestling, so much so that he tried to buy TNA and save them from their ultimate demise. Unfortunately, he never got his money back and tried to sue the company for his owed payments. TNA being irresponsible with money? Huh. Who would’ve thunk it? TNA has since been saved by Anthem Sports, but it still leaves a sour taste in Billy Corgan’s mouth. Sour tastes aren’t necessarily good for singing Smashing Pumpkins songs.

SEVENTH PLACE: WWE recreating the Montreal Screwjob with Bret Hart and Natalya.

ANALYSIS: The Montreal Screwjob in 1997 will go down as one of the biggest mistreatments of loyal wrestlers in history. Bret Hart was supposed to win his match with Shawn Michaels and keep his WWF Championship in front of the Canadian crowd. And then Shawn Michaels beat Bret with his own sharpshooter move and stole the championship. Fast forward to 2016 and the same thing happens with Natalya when she tries to defeat Charlotte Flair for the WWE Women’s Championship, right in front of Uncle Bret. Barf!

EIGHTH PLACE: Sasha Banks giving a fake retirement speech months after Daniel Bryan was legitimately forced to retire after ongoing concussion issues.

ANALYSIS: Had this been done at a different time, it might have been compared to the excellent trolling job Mark Henry did when he gave his fake retirement speech in 2013. Daniel Bryan’s legitimate retirement was still fresh in the audience’s minds. There wasn’t a dry eye in that whole room. Sasha Banks also had her adoring fans in tears. And then Dana Brooke came out to attack her only for Sasha to miraculously recover from her knee injury and fight Dana off. Bad timing. Bad, bad timing. Horrible timing!

NINTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking Kazushi Sakuraba in fights.

ANALYSIS: Once again, MMA organizations have to be told not to book super old people in fighting competitions. This is the third item on the list to be guilty of mistreating elderly cage fighters. Sure, these fighters need paychecks, but come on, really? There’s nothing else these poor people can do? Nothing at all? No commentating? No producing? No booking? What the fuck, Japan?

Nine items on this list, nine reasons for your eyes to bulge from your head, nine reasons for you to scream, “That’s fucked up!” Come on, you know you want to. Humor me. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***DEMON AXE: EPILOGUE***

It finally happened, ladies and gentlemen: ding, dong, Roger Zee is dead. His head exploded because he couldn’t handle the magic of heavy metal. His own tightly wound ass did him in. Unfortunately, the 22^nd chapter ended with Daniel Mercer collapsing onstage, probably due to overexerting his rib injuries (despite wearing a flak vest for protection). Does he really want to wake up and deal with the traumatic voices in his head, especially after what Roger Zee did to him in the last few moments of the novel (if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you). How do I write an epilogue for a guy who’s next in line to rule the elven kingdom if he’s got a busted body and a haunted mind? This is going to take some J.K. Rowling-level toughness on Daniel’s part, and lots of it.

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

SHEAMUS: You’ll get your chance to fight me at TLC. And brother, you’d better step up.

ROMAN REIGNS: You see, that’s the thing, Sheamus. You’re still just talking. You’re still just yapping. Yap, yap, yap. I thought Irishmen had potatoes. Turns out you’re just smuggling some tater tots.

YOU TUBER: Oh my god! Oh my god! “I thought Irishmen had potatoes! I thought Asian people had rice! I thought black people had fried chicken!” What the fuck?! Tater tots?! That’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my life! And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse than “sufferin’ succotash”! “Sufferin’ fuckin’ succotash” to “tater tots”! Wow! Do they fucking hate Samoans in the WWE?!

Chris Hammer

NAME: Chris Hammer
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Fitness Guru
CANON: Jumping Jackholes


If you’re ever feeling bad about how much you weigh or what your body looks like, the world’s biggest jerk-ass known as Chris Hammer will make you feel even worse as part of his motivational gimmick. He’s got muscles the size of pumpkins, veins the size of pipelines, blood flowing through his steroid stream, and more anger in his heart than the entire Westboro Baptist Church. Speaking of the latter, Chris Hammer hates fat people so much that he has become a venomous bigot. He might as well hold up a rainbow colored sign that says “God Hates Fats”.

The worst part about this nimrod? He has his own TV show. That’s right, folks. People desperate to lose weight actually turn on their tubes and listen to a full hour of Chris Hammer screaming anti-fat slurs at them while doing exercises that are ridiculously hard even for the physically fit. Because he’s so disgustingly strong, he can do things like move boulders, do jumping jacks while carrying cannonballs, do pushups with fat customers on his back, and run a mile in less than ten seconds. His only response: “What’s your excuse?” And if you don’t have an excuse, relax, because he’ll put it all into perspective for you. In a thunderous voice, he’ll threaten to give your food away to hungry children in Africa because you’re fat enough to have a heart attack any minute now.

The best way to deal with this prick would be to punch him in the mouth, right? Well, part of being muscular is having a high tolerance for pain. Plus, Chris Hammer just happens to have a chiseled jaw, so you would probably break your fist before you broke his face. What about firepower? Are you so desperate to see this guy killed that you need to arm yourself with pistols and shotguns? Maybe even rocket launchers? Once again, the rocket shell would turn to shrapnel before Chris Hammer turned to fire and ashes. Due to this guy’s indestructibility, he has a complex that makes him feel entitled to belittle others because he has everything going for him.

Know any celebrities like that? I can name a few off the top of my head right now. Donald Trump comes to mind. He has so much money that he can manipulate the odds when he’s suing other people for even more money. Mel Gibson is next on deck. He has so much celebrity status that he believes he’s entitled to scream at his wife or girlfriend, maybe even beat her. Phil Robertson is yet another example. Because he has his own TV show and immerses himself in Christian culture every damn second of his life, he believes he is entitled to use homophobic slurs without facing backlash. Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, and Phil Robertson are nothing more than prototypes for Chris Hammer, yet another guy who uses his power to oppress others.

The last time I wrote something as bold as Jumping Jackholes, it was 2012 and I was desperate for novella ideas. And because 2012 was an uneducated year for me, I firmly believed back then that hyperbolic descriptions and unbelievable endings were acceptable. Now we come to today’s world where Jumping Jackholes has been deleted from my archives and this asshole Complete Monster Chris Hammer is left without employment. Normally, using Complete Monsters is a bad thing because it disenfranchises the reader. But just like Mary-Sues, Gary-Stus, and any other character who’s labeled with a literary slur, Complete Monsters come in all shapes and colors. If Chris Hammer gets used again, I will definitely take my fitness frustrations out on him.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“What’s wrong with you, Jamie Noble? Are you upset with me because people actually know who I am? Or is it because unlike you, I can get on all the rides at Disneyland? Don’t worry, Jamie, my six-year-old daughter feels the same way.”

-Randy Orton-

WWE Wrestlemania 28: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the latter’s World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 28
YEAR: 2012
RATING: TV-PG for mild violence
GRADE: Fail

Sheamus was first on WWE television in 2009 as part of the revived version of ECW (which wasn’t anything like the original, unfortunately). He had the size, strength, and athleticism that WWE management loves in a potential World Champion. Naturally, they booked him to go on an undefeated streak for months on end, even having him win the WWE Championship in December of that year from John Cena in a Tables Match. While the muscular and gigantic Irishman was mowing over opponents left and right, he even caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in 2010, who deemed him the Most Improved Wrestler of that year.

Daniel Bryan is the exact opposite of Sheamus. He arrived on WWE television in 2010 as part of the show that replaced ECW called NXT, where he was a “rookie” learning from The Miz. From the first day in the WWE, Daniel Bryan was disrespected by his peers and even caused play-by-play announcer Michael Cole to turn heel in an effort to bury him on commentary. During his time on NXT, Bryan amassed a win-loss record of 0-10 and continued to be booked in losing situations throughout 2010 and 2011. He won the World Heavyweight Championship from the Big Show in December of 2011, but only because he had the Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in at a vulnerable opportunity.

All of this hatred for Bryan from WWE management stemmed from his “dorky” personality and short stature. And yet, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awarded him Match of the Year one time and Most Outstanding and Best Technical Wrestler multiple times during his career on the independent circuit. The clash of opinions between the “internet dorks” and WWE management was not lost on the audience.

Fast forward to 2012 where Sheamus is a wildly popular baby face and Daniel Bryan is a cowardly heel who celebrates disqualification and count-out victories. Sheamus won the Royal Rumble in January and got to choose which World Champion to face at Wrestlemania: CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. Sheamus chose the latter of those two and the match was booked.

But having a match booked in advance is very different from having a match properly promoted. In most normal championship matches, the baby face is the one who has to overcome insurmountable odds to win the belt. Not the case with Sheamus. He had the size and the violent momentum while Daniel Bryan was running away and being a sheepish coward. Betting the house on Sheamus winning in convincing fashion would make you a rich man by now.

And then the World Heavyweight Championship match took place at Wrestlemania 28. The fans in attendance were expecting a war between these two. They expected Sheamus’ powerful brawling style to clash with Daniel Bryan’s fast-paced technical style in a battle where concussions, blood, and welts would have been considered normal. Here’s how it really went down. Daniel Bryan’s storyline girlfriend AJ Lee gets on the apron and the two of them share a pre-match kiss. Daniel Bryan turns around and gets a Brogue Kick to the face, which is Sheamus’ finishing move. Sheamus pins Bryan 1-2-3 and wins the title in a record-setting 18 seconds. When Five Finger Death Punch put out the album “War Is the Answer”, they clearly didn’t have this drive-by abortion of a match in mind.

To say that the fans were pissed off would be an understatement. To say that they were in a riotous rage would be more appropriate assumption. The fans booed Sheamus out of the building (despite him being a baby face) and cheered wildly for Daniel Bryan (despite him being a heel). You have to remember that this is a new day in wrestling. The fans won’t blindly cheer for baby faces and blindly boo heels anymore. With universal internet access, you can find out backstage facts about your favorite wrestlers and form your own opinion of them. The fans still love Daniel Bryan to this day and cheer their heads off for him everywhere he goes. The WWE tried to bury his legacy and now he’s the most popular guy on the roster. The fans got ripped off and the bookers for this match have egg on their faces.

At this point, it shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore that WWE management doesn’t enjoy the work of Daniel Bryan. However, I believe his attempted burial at Wrestlemania 28 had more to do with something else disturbing. A few weeks before his match with Sheamus, Daniel Bryan interfered in a match featuring Randy Orton and caused a No Contest when he clocked Orton in the back of the head with his title belt. Randy Orton was diagnosed with a concussion and written of WWE television for the next few weeks.

If you’re knowledgeable of backstage politics like I am, you know why concussing Randy Orton is a big deal. The man is the corporate face of WWE. He has all the big matches and all the movie deals, so he has a lot of power when it comes to making decisions about other wrestlers.

In 2009, he complained to management after a wrestler by the name of Mr. Kennedy “botched” a back suplex on him. Mr. Kennedy was fired the next day. Kofi Kingston was in a match with Orton and “botched” the ending. Now Kofi Kingston is a mid-card joke. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins called Randy Orton out for botching part of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match in 2013. Those two lost their Tag Team Championship months later. So it’s okay for Orton to botch as many times as he wants, but for other people to botch is suddenly heresy. That’s how much power Randy Orton has; he’s untouchable. He just might be the reason why Daniel Bryan lost his championship in 18 seconds. I don’t know, but it’s a damn good guess.

Ever since that god-awful championship match, Sheamus continued to steamroll through opponents and Daniel Bryan continued to be underrated in defeat. But don’t feel too bad for Daniel Bryan, because after forming a successful tag team with Kane, the fans REALLY started to get behind him and he won three more World Titles. But here’s the thing: he didn’t win those titles by being cowardly and sneaky. He won them by being a superior wrestler to his opponents. Hell, at Wrestlemania 30, he defeated three future Hall of Famers in the same night to become the new World Champion, in what would be the most defining moment of Bryan’s career. The moral of the story: you can bury Bryan all you want, but he’s going to keep scratching and clawing until he breathes fresh oxygen once again.