Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics of 2016

***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2016***

Over the years of doing these kinds of journals, I’ve always rationalized posting these by saying it’s all in the name of creative fuel. Only a handful of times has a disgusting promotional tactic in wrestling and MMA resulted in any artistic ideas or stories. I might as well come clean while I’ve got the chance. I love shocking the hell out of people. I’ve loved it since hearing my first George Carlin routine as a sophomore in high school. When Susan was living with us, I’d tell her about these awful promotional tactics and she’d give me this wide-eyed stare while yelling, “That’s fucked up!” Think of this as combining my love for shocking people with my love for pro-wrestling and MMA. In the year 2016, nine items were nominated for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Nine! I’ll analyze each item from winner to last place and I’ll see if I can get those gasps out of you guys. This somehow reminds me of the Disney movie Monsters Inc. Hehe! Let’s get started!

WINNER: Bellator MMA booking a fight between Kimbo Slice and Dada 5000.

ANALYSIS: Having a mind-numbingly boring match on a pay-per-view card isn’t necessarily a recipe for offensiveness (unless you paid a shit-load of money to see it). When both fighters are older than dust, overweight, dehydrated, and have to be helped out of their stools in between rounds, then I can see how it might be just a tad exploitative. It doesn’t help matters that Kimbo Slice died in mid-2016 just a day after Muhammad Ali passed as well. Putting fighters in danger and putting fans to sleep: Jesus, Bellator!

SECOND PLACE: Brock Lesnar bloodying Randy Orton’s forehead with stiff elbows.

ANALYSIS: While I admit that booking this muscle freak Brock Lesnar as a 21^st century killing machine is smart on WWE’s part, concussing Randy Orton just to get some blood on TV is going a little too far. I don’t mind blood on a TV-PG pay-per-view. Hell, I was with the fans at NXT TakeOver: Dallas when they chanted “Fuck PG!” after Samoa Joe was busted open. But if you’re a company that’s trying to fight off a concussion lawsuit, stiff elbows to the forehead might not be the way to go. Let’s not forget how Chris Benoit met his unfortunate end. Andrew “Test” Martin, too.

THIRD PLACE: Adam Rose using his domestic violence mug shot as a T-shirt design.

ANALYSIS: Domestic violence is bad enough, but when you’re sticking your mug shot on a T-shirt and selling it online, that’s pretty much like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s like those cops in New York wearing T-shirts that say, “Breathe easy, don’t break the law” after they choked the shit out of that black dude. In Adam Rose’s case, he justified his actions by saying it’s a celebration of making it through dark times and even said his wife suggested that the mug shot go on a white tank top. Get it? Because it’s called a wifebeater? Ha, ha, ha…ha, ha….ugh…

FOURTH PLACE: Lucha Underground booking intergender matches.

ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, this was a candidate for the award in 2015 as well. It’s also the only item so far that has garnered a short story idea for me. It’s called “Gender Blind” and it’s about an MMA promotion that books their first man vs. woman match and generates a shit-ton of controversy in the process. Supporters of Lucha Underground could argue equality between men and women, but come on, what’s so equal about Pentagon Jr. slapping the shit out of Sexy Star? Maybe they should put their mug shots on a T-shirt and generate more revenue.

FIFTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking a fight between Gabi Garcia and Shinobu Kandori.

ANALYSIS: Thank god this match didn’t actually take place, but Kandori’s replacement wasn’t any less of a mismatch with Gabi Garcia. Miss Garcia is a young lady with more muscles and veins on her body than actual skin while Kandori’s replacement is a super old former professional wrestler with a broken down body and a shorter stature. Not surprisingly, Gabi Garcia won the fight via TKO in a short amount of time, much like a high school football player beating up a fifth grader for his lunch money.

SIXTH PLACE: TNA withholding payments to Billy Corgan.

ANALYSIS: In addition to being the front man for The Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan is also passionate about pro-wrestling, so much so that he tried to buy TNA and save them from their ultimate demise. Unfortunately, he never got his money back and tried to sue the company for his owed payments. TNA being irresponsible with money? Huh. Who would’ve thunk it? TNA has since been saved by Anthem Sports, but it still leaves a sour taste in Billy Corgan’s mouth. Sour tastes aren’t necessarily good for singing Smashing Pumpkins songs.

SEVENTH PLACE: WWE recreating the Montreal Screwjob with Bret Hart and Natalya.

ANALYSIS: The Montreal Screwjob in 1997 will go down as one of the biggest mistreatments of loyal wrestlers in history. Bret Hart was supposed to win his match with Shawn Michaels and keep his WWF Championship in front of the Canadian crowd. And then Shawn Michaels beat Bret with his own sharpshooter move and stole the championship. Fast forward to 2016 and the same thing happens with Natalya when she tries to defeat Charlotte Flair for the WWE Women’s Championship, right in front of Uncle Bret. Barf!

EIGHTH PLACE: Sasha Banks giving a fake retirement speech months after Daniel Bryan was legitimately forced to retire after ongoing concussion issues.

ANALYSIS: Had this been done at a different time, it might have been compared to the excellent trolling job Mark Henry did when he gave his fake retirement speech in 2013. Daniel Bryan’s legitimate retirement was still fresh in the audience’s minds. There wasn’t a dry eye in that whole room. Sasha Banks also had her adoring fans in tears. And then Dana Brooke came out to attack her only for Sasha to miraculously recover from her knee injury and fight Dana off. Bad timing. Bad, bad timing. Horrible timing!

NINTH PLACE: Rizin MMA booking Kazushi Sakuraba in fights.

ANALYSIS: Once again, MMA organizations have to be told not to book super old people in fighting competitions. This is the third item on the list to be guilty of mistreating elderly cage fighters. Sure, these fighters need paychecks, but come on, really? There’s nothing else these poor people can do? Nothing at all? No commentating? No producing? No booking? What the fuck, Japan?

Nine items on this list, nine reasons for your eyes to bulge from your head, nine reasons for you to scream, “That’s fucked up!” Come on, you know you want to. Humor me. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***DEMON AXE: EPILOGUE***

It finally happened, ladies and gentlemen: ding, dong, Roger Zee is dead. His head exploded because he couldn’t handle the magic of heavy metal. His own tightly wound ass did him in. Unfortunately, the 22^nd chapter ended with Daniel Mercer collapsing onstage, probably due to overexerting his rib injuries (despite wearing a flak vest for protection). Does he really want to wake up and deal with the traumatic voices in his head, especially after what Roger Zee did to him in the last few moments of the novel (if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you). How do I write an epilogue for a guy who’s next in line to rule the elven kingdom if he’s got a busted body and a haunted mind? This is going to take some J.K. Rowling-level toughness on Daniel’s part, and lots of it.

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

SHEAMUS: You’ll get your chance to fight me at TLC. And brother, you’d better step up.

ROMAN REIGNS: You see, that’s the thing, Sheamus. You’re still just talking. You’re still just yapping. Yap, yap, yap. I thought Irishmen had potatoes. Turns out you’re just smuggling some tater tots.

YOU TUBER: Oh my god! Oh my god! “I thought Irishmen had potatoes! I thought Asian people had rice! I thought black people had fried chicken!” What the fuck?! Tater tots?! That’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my life! And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse than “sufferin’ succotash”! “Sufferin’ fuckin’ succotash” to “tater tots”! Wow! Do they fucking hate Samoans in the WWE?!

WWE NXT Takeover: London: Bayley vs. Nia Jax

MATCH: Bayley vs. Nia Jax for the former’s NXT Women’s Championship
PROMOTION: WWE NXT
EVENT: Takeover: London
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


When you have a dream, the only way to achieve it is through lengthy journeys and honest-to-God hard work. Attaining such a huge goal may take weeks, months, years, possibly even decades, every second filled with the highs and lows of soldiering on. There may be moments when you feel like quitting, but if you do, all of the heartache will be for nothing. You fight, you scratch, you claw, and you bleed until what you want is within your reach. NXT diva Bayley wanted to not only wrestle, but to be a champion that little girls can look up to. When she defeated Sasha Banks in a grueling five-star match at Takeover: Brooklyn, she exceeded expectations. Congratulations, you tough chick. You’ve earned it.

But of course, winning a prestigious championship is only part of the equation. It takes a shit ton of hard work and sacrifice to win it, but it takes even more guts and brutality to keep it. Not only did Bayley successfully do so in a 30-minute Iron Man rematch against Sasha Banks, but also against Alexa Bliss and Eva Marie. That totals three different divas that Bayley scratched off the long list of those gunning for her diamond-encrusted championship. At Takeover: London, she had quite possibly the toughest challenge a woman of her size could possibly have. She had to defend her title against Nia Jax.

Who exactly is Nia Jax? She’s well over six-feet tall, her weight is well-established within the 200’s, she’s a former plus-size model, she has more strength than an entire African jungle full of wild animals, she fights like an army of barbarians wielding blood-stained axes, and she’s a cousin of WWE legend and movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. NXT color commentator Corey Graves wasn’t kidding when he said Nia Jax vs. Bayley was like watching Mike Tyson vs. Manny Pacquiao. In other words, they were both talented fighters, but the weight discrepancy is mind-boggling. Needless to say, Bayley was outgunned big time.

When the actual match took place in London, England, Bayley had two things that kept her alive throughout the match: a speed advantage and a crowd support advantage. About the latter, of course they’re going to fall in love with Bayley. She’s everything a role model should be: strong, positive, and tireless. Since the event took place in England, it was only appropriate that the crowd sing parodies of Beatles songs and change the lyrics to conform to Bayley. Crowd support can bring any wrestler to life, but in the end, that’s all they can do. When it comes to the actual fight, you’re on your own, lady.

Being so many sizes smaller than the ogre-like Nia Jax, Bayley stuck to her own advantages and used her superior speed to avoid being readily disposed of. She threw quick elbows, quick dropkicks, quick forearms, and although these moves kept the giantess at bay for a little while, they didn’t faze the bloodthirsty bitch at all. It would only be a matter of time before Nia Jax would have her turn at offence and goddamn, did she deliver.

While Bayley’s offence could only be comparable to an annoying fly buzzing around, it was Nia Jax who did the swatting. Turnbuckle body splashes turned Bayley’s insides into mush. Three consecutive fireman’s carry back drops smashed her bones into sugar bits. How about a leg drop from a leg that weighs about as much as a fallen tree. How about another leg drop that feels like a falling building, but this time across the left shoulder? All of these hard-hitting, body-smashing attacks were coming from a woman that outweighed Bayley by at minimum 100 lbs. After suffering it all, the super positive super heroine just laid on the ground lifeless, limp, and ready for a hearse. Rest in peace, Bayley-Pie. I’m not The Undertaker, but I’ll say it to you anyways.

But if the RIP analogy is true, then why does Bayley continue to kick out of these bone-crunching moves? The referee’s hand was only a micrometer from hitting the mat a third time and the little angel that could got her aching shoulder out of the pinning combination to avoid losing. Coming back to life repeatedly was only delaying the inevitable according to the sad saps at the commentary booth, which were the Millhouse look-alike Rich Brennan, the always dorky Byron Saxton, and the heavy metal stud muffin Corey Graves.

Bayley wasn’t going to give up that easily. Nia Jax was getting ready to slam the smaller wrestler on the mat in what would be a modified spine-buster. But the little chick wrapped her arm around Nia’s neck and squeezed so hard that her rhino skull was going to pop like a zit. But then Bayley was slammed down hard and lifeless once more. Nia knelt down to pin her and was again caught in that headlock choke. Once again, Bayley was slammed hard on her back and was ready to meet Jesus with a firm handshake.

After a few wheezes and coughs from Nia Jax, the heavier diva knelt down again for a pin attempt and for the third time in a row got caught in the headlock choke. Bayley’s arms don’t look at that big on television, but she might as well have had 24-inch pythons like the immortal Hulk Hogan. She squeezed so tightly that she would prove why that technique was called a guillotine choke. Before the monstrous diva could be decapitated, she tapped out and the referee awarded the victory and the NXT Women’s Championship to Bayley.

Walking through the fiery valleys of hell is a necessary part of achieving hard-fought victories in the WWE. Not only did Bayley walk them in this match, but she dragged her lifeless body across them until she was fingertips away from her milestone. When she slew the beast known as Nia Jax, Bayley was exhausted. She spent the longest time lying on the ground and trying to get to her knees. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was taken to the hospital after the match was over. But she did it. She’s the biggest example in women’s wrestling of a strong heroine who overcomes the obstacles put in front of her despite the insurmountable odds. Little girls don’t have to grow up to be spoiled princesses. They can grow up and be raging warriors like Bayley. The example she sets for women everywhere is why this match gets a passing grade.

Okay, all you male supremacists out there. I’ve got a question to ask you. Do you still think a woman’s place is in the kitchen? Do you still expect your wives and daughters to cook and clean for you while popping out babies left and right? Raise your hands if you feel this way. Raise them high so that Bayley and Nia Jax can see them and beat the living piss out of all of you. These two women put on a show that nobody is going to forget for a long, long time. If you’d like to forget it so badly, go ahead and trust Bayley with an iron skillet. With one whack upside the head, you’ll probably forget pretty easily. A janitor will have to mop up your brains afterwards, but you’ll forget anyways. For the rest of us who live in the 21^st century, we’ll enjoy this classic women’s wrestling match.

WWE Night of Champions: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

MATCH: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella for the latter’s Divas Championship, which she could have lost also by disqualification or count-out
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Night of Champions
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


For the longest time, the divas division of the WWE has been in murky waters. It has been plagued with short matches performed by smoking hot supermodels who fight more like cats than real wrestlers. If a WWE fan wanted to watch women’s wrestling that was actually entertaining, he or she had to get a subscription to the WWE Network and watch NXT. That all changed in a heartbeat one night. Almost a full year had passed since Nikki Bella won the Divas Championship against AJ Lee at Survivor Series in 2014 in a twenty-second disaster. Nikki, her twin sister Brie, and Alicia Fox all got together and danced in the middle of the ring thinking they had complete reign over the divas division.

And then Stephanie McMahon’s “Queendom” music played and out came the iron-fisted queen of WWE herself. She cut a promo about how female athletes all around the world were getting recognition for being just as good or even better than their male counterpart, whether it’s Ronda Rousey in the UFC or Carli Lloyd in soccer. Stephanie believed the WWE should be a part of that women’s revolution as well. So what did she do? She called three NXT divas up to the main roster: Charlotte, Becky Lynch, and Sasha Banks. Not just NXT divas, but badass battlers who could break a supermodel in half with just one punch.

And then the Divas Revolution was underway. The matches were longer, the women got better storylines, they got time in the ring to cut promos, and the matches were actually fun-to-watch wrestling competitions instead of just boring catfights. Despite this adrenaline shot to the heart of the divas division, there were still critics out there who thought pushing all of these women to the top was a waste of time. WWE Hall of Famer Greg “The Hammer” Valentine gave the most disgusting quote of the year when he said if he was in charge of the WWE, he would fire all of the divas and make them work in strip bars. I’m still waiting for Ronda Rousey to put this asshole in a shoulder lock and rip his goddamn arm out. If I have to wait forever, then damn it, I’ll wait forever.

At WWE Night of Champions in the year 2015, the critics would have duct tape on their mouths forever. Charlotte had just earned a chance to face Nikki Bella at this event for the latter’s Divas Championship. With her father Ric Flair and the NXT staff’s training, Charlotte could accomplish anything she wanted to. She was tall, lean, athletic, and she could beat the crap out of anybody put in front of her. She once out-wrestled Natalya for the vacant NXT Title. Natalya was trained in wrestling and jujitsu in the infamous Hart Dungeon, so getting a hard-fought victory over her in a classic back-and-forth war is saying something. Now Charlotte looks to do the same with Nikki Bella.

Before this match started, Nikki Bella was being written off by fans across the world as a supermodel with a middle school mentality who got an easy path to success by beating other girls just as “weak” as her. When the match actually started, she showed how much of a vicious wrestler she could be. Nikki’s entire game plan throughout the match was to not just attack Charlotte’s left leg, but also maul it, destroy it, and cripple it.

And damn, did Nikki deliver on that game plan. She suplexed Charlotte into the ropes and turnbuckles with the victim’s knee landing right on those hard structures. And while Charlotte was sitting on the ring apron hoping to recover, Nikki grabbed her injured leg and threw her to the concrete floor in a hard-hitting move known as the Dragon Screw. To add insult to injury, Nikki applied Ric Flair’s patented submission hold, the Figure Four Leg Lock, across the steel ring post with Charlotte’s legs bound and twisted in ways they’re not supposed to bend. And then the champion applied more pressure on the leg by twisting it backwards in a Single-Leg Boston Crab. And then more suplexes into the ropes and corners. And then a shoulder tackle to the back of the leg.

The relentless assault took a huge toll on Charlotte’s mobility. She was so badly in pain that she couldn’t even walk straight, let alone run off the ropes for a decent clothesline. My niece Reina watched this match with me and though she wasn’t in it, she still had aches and pains going through her own body while she was empathizing with Charlotte. If competing in this match cripples Charlotte, then the viewers at home and at the Houston, Texas arena would leave in wheelchairs. That’s how torturous this match looked on TV.

Which is why it’s so rewarding for the underdog Charlotte to come back from this endless pain and pull off a big move that will win her the Divas Championship. As Nikki dove off the top rope for another shoulder tackle, she got a spear tackle of her own right to the gut compliments of the challenger for her title. And then Charlotte did the unthinkable. Even with her severely battered left leg, she applied not only her father’s Figure Four Leg Lock to Nikki, but also bridged backwards to make it The Figure Eight. She held this position for as long as she painstakingly could and Nikki Bella eventually tapped out to lose the championship, ending her reign at 300-plus days.

Overcoming adversity is something women have had to do not just in sports, but in life in general. They had to take beatings just to earn the right to vote in America, they had to live as pariahs just to have the right to divorce their husbands, they’re being shot at for wanting feminine healthcare, and even today in this somewhat liberalized culture, women still have to fight for recognition in this world.

After seeing Charlotte win a hard-fought match for her first WWE Divas Championship in which the referee almost stopped it due to injury, I only have one thing left to say to Greg Valentine and everyone else who thinks that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Would you really trust a red-hot warrior like Charlotte or Ronda Rousey with an iron skillet in one hand and a bread knife in the other? You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Okay. She can cook you with a flame thrower and clean the evidence of your existence off the floors so that the police don‘t suspect a thing. How does that sound?