***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2017***
I said I was going to write one of these blog entries and by
god I plan on delivering. It took a while, but the Wrestling Observer
Newsletter awards are finally released to the public. Before I get to the part
where I combine my love for pro-wrestling with my love for shocking the shit
out of people, I must make a few observations. Firstly, poor Bray Wyatt. Poor,
poor Bray Wyatt. Worst Gimmick, Worst Feud of the Year (vs. Randy Orton), and
Worst Match of the Year (also vs. Randy Orton). And secondly, I can see the
irony in a wrestling machine like Daniel Bryan winning an award for Best
Non-Wrestler. Yes, he’s been retired since 2016, but still, that’s kind of
ironic. Now that those tidbits are out of the way, it’s time for some shock and
awe…and maybe just a modicum of writing advice. A modicum may be all that you
need tonight. As usual with these yearly journal entries, I’m going to start
with the winner of the actual award and work my way down the list. There we
eleven candidates this year: one winner, nine runner-ups, and one honorable
mention. Pick your jaw up off the floor!
***WINNER (OR LOSER, DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT)***
LIST ITEM: WWE promoting Jimmy Snuka as a hero in death.
THOUGHTS: What can be said about Jimmy Snuka? He was a
legend. He was a high flyer. He was a Hall of Famer. You know what else he was?
A suspect in the manslaughter of his former girlfriend Nancy Argentino. Of
course, he was never convicted of the crime because he was declared legally
incompetent to stand trial. Uh-huh. Sure he was. And what does WWE do after
Snuka dies of pancreatic cancer? They play a video package of him looking like
a million bucks inside the ring. The audience booed the shit out of this display
and rightfully so. Jimmy Snuka didn’t remember murdering his girlfriend…but
Pepperidge Farm remembers!
***SECOND PLACE***
LIST ITEM: Jinder Mahal’s racist tirade against Shinsuke
Nakamura.
THOUGHTS: If you’re living in the year 2017 or beyond, it’s
probably not a good idea to compare a Japanese wrestler to Mr. Miyagi while
doing fake karate moves in the ring. It’s also not a good idea to say the
Japanese wrestler doesn’t “rook right”. And please, oh please, don’t say Mr.
Nakamura looks like Pikachu having a seizure. Is it any wonder the audience
chanted “That’s too far!” over and over again during these promos? Don’t we
already get enough racism from our current president and the rise of the
alt-right? Next thing you know, Jinder Mahal’s going to come out in a Pepe the
Frog mask.
***THIRD PLACE
LIST ITEM: WWE using the Ultimate Warrior’s legacy to
promote Susan G. Komen’s breast cancer cause.
THOUGHTS: It’s bad enough The Ultimate Warrior was once
known for telling an Arab college student to “Get a towel!” It’s bad enough he
said, “Queering doesn’t make the world work!” It’s bad enough he said he was
happy that wrestling manager Bobby Heenan had cancer. Now you’re going to take
this social pariah and put his face on breast cancer awareness campaigns? That’s
like putting a climate change denier in charge of the EPA or a dumb shit in
charge of the Board of Education. Oh wait…
***FOURTH PLACE
LIST ITEM: Pushing Jinder Mahal has WWE Champion in order to
please the Indian market.
THOUGHTS: Poor Jinder can’t catch a break, can he? He’s
already the recipient of Most Overrated Wrestler in 2017 and he’s second place
for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Now he gets fourth place on the list as
well. Let’s be honest: he wasn’t a very good champion. His matches sucked, his
character development was non-existent, his monologues were derailed by a
blown-out voice, and the only way he could get legitimate heel heat was by
being a racist asshole. Imagine if Family Guy pushed Herbert the Pervert as
their top protagonist. Actually, they could very well do that one day. Bad
example!
***FIFTH PLACE
LIST ITEM: Rizin MMA booking Gabi Garcia in fights against
older and smaller women.
THOUGHTS: I think we can all agree that super muscular women
shouldn’t be beating up on grandmas. Unless you want your promoted character to
be seen as a super villain, it’s probably not a good idea to book him or her
this way. I once joked with my brother James and his friend Blake that The
Simpsons would be disturbing if Homer choked other characters besides Bart,
namely Maggie (a baby), Marge (his wife), Santa’s Little Helper (the dog), or
Abe (his father). Well, do you see where I’m going with this?
***SIXTH PLACE
LIST ITEM: Kevin Owens head-butting Vince McMahon.
THOUGHTS: I’m actually okay with this one since Kevin Owens
is supposed to be a jerk-ass heel and this is how he earns the audience’s
hatred. I know, I know, Vince is an old man and shouldn’t be taking stiff head
butts, but it was his own idea, so if he’s okay with it, I’m okay with it.
***SEVENTH
PLACE
LIST ITEM: Sexy Star staying employed in wrestling even
after intentionally breaking Rosemary’s arm.
THOUGHTS: The only way pro-wrestling works is if the
contenders in the ring trust each other with their bodies. Yes, it’s supposed
to look and feel as painful as possible, which is why it’s even more important
to be careful in there. Well, Sexy Star wasn’t careful at all. In fact, she
tore the shit out of Rosemary’s arm and blamed the victim for it. How nice. How
fucking nice. There seems to be a lot of victim blaming these days, though for
much worse crimes against humanity.
***EIGHTH PLACE
LIST ITEM: WWE encouraging bullying in the workplace while
simultaneously pushing an anti-bullying campaign.
THOUGHTS: I already did a journal entry last year about
Mauro Ranallo and his struggles with being harassed by JBL. But yeah, this is a
company-wide problem that affects everybody employed. In 2011, WWE actually won
the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award for pulling this shit with
overweight and Bell’s Palsy-suffering announcer Jim Ross. I thought Mauro’s
dilemma would be the winner in this case as well.
***NINTH PLACE
LIST ITEM: Conor McGregor’s racist comments against Floyd
Mayweather, Jr.
THOUGHTS: Telling a black boxer to “dance, boy” and calling
his family members “dancing monkeys”? Not cool. Not cool at all. It also
doesn’t help that Conor once said that he’s “black from the waist down”. If
Jinder Mahal can’t get away with pulling this shit against Shinsuke Nakamura,
then Conor McGregor (regardless of his popularity) has to be held to the same
standard. It did make for a lucrative feud between Conor and Floyd, but that’s
beside the point.
***LAST PLACE
LIST ITEM: Promotion of Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva vs. Rico
Verhoeven.
THOUGHTS: If you thought booking Gabi Garcia against
grandmas was cruel and unusual, get a load of this. Rico Verhoeven had earned
his moniker of King of Kickboxing. He has a great record with wins over big
names and has stayed fresh as a daisy in recent years. Bigfoot Silva? Not so
much. He’s only won one match in the past few years and his many defeats were
mostly by KO. And now Bigfoot wants to try his hand at kickboxing? It’s no
surprise that he lost miserably against Rico, so all of this hype and promotion
was for nothing. Oh well.
***HONORABLE MENTION***
LIST ITEM: Bayley: This Is Your Life.
THOUGHTS: It takes a special kind of dork-a-puss to screw up
a lovable character this much. As a WWE wrestler who helped pioneer the Women’s
Revolution with her wild popularity and strong work ethic, Bayley seemed to be
headed for big things. And then…the creative writing team, in all of the
infinite wisdom, broadcast a segment called Bayley: This Is Your Life, where
her opponent for a pay-per-view, Alexa Bliss, painted her as having a
helicopter father who was there during her first kiss and during kindergarten
class. But don’t worry, because Bayley will soon get her revenge, right? Wrong!
She looked like a clown in this feud and the fans booed the shit out of her for
it. Poor girl. Poor, poor girl. She deserved so much better than this.
***CONCLUSION***
Boy, that was a fucking feel-good read, wasn’t it? You’re
not shocked or depressed at all, are you? That reminds me, be sure to buy a
copy of my book American Darkness on Amazon and other online retailers! Oh,
that was ill-timed. Feel free to shiver if you’d like. Hehe! I’m Garrison Kelly
and I’ll see you next time!
