***MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTICS OF 2016***
Over the years of doing these kinds of journals, I’ve always
rationalized posting these by saying it’s all in the name of creative fuel.
Only a handful of times has a disgusting promotional tactic in wrestling and
MMA resulted in any artistic ideas or stories. I might as well come clean while
I’ve got the chance. I love shocking the hell out of people. I’ve loved it
since hearing my first George Carlin routine as a sophomore in high school.
When Susan was living with us, I’d tell her about these awful promotional
tactics and she’d give me this wide-eyed stare while yelling, “That’s fucked
up!” Think of this as combining my love for shocking people with my love for
pro-wrestling and MMA. In the year 2016, nine items were nominated for Most
Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Nine! I’ll analyze each item from winner to last
place and I’ll see if I can get those gasps out of you guys. This somehow
reminds me of the Disney movie Monsters Inc. Hehe! Let’s get started!
WINNER: Bellator MMA booking a fight between Kimbo Slice and
Dada 5000.
ANALYSIS: Having a mind-numbingly boring match on a
pay-per-view card isn’t necessarily a recipe for offensiveness (unless you paid
a shit-load of money to see it). When both fighters are older than dust,
overweight, dehydrated, and have to be helped out of their stools in between
rounds, then I can see how it might be just a tad exploitative. It doesn’t help
matters that Kimbo Slice died in mid-2016 just a day after Muhammad Ali passed
as well. Putting fighters in danger and putting fans to sleep: Jesus, Bellator!
SECOND PLACE: Brock Lesnar bloodying Randy Orton’s forehead
with stiff elbows.
ANALYSIS: While I admit that booking this muscle freak Brock
Lesnar as a 21st century killing machine is smart on WWE’s part,
concussing Randy Orton just to get some blood on TV is going a little too far.
I don’t mind blood on a TV-PG pay-per-view. Hell, I was with the fans at NXT
TakeOver: Dallas
when they chanted “Fuck PG!” after Samoa Joe was busted open. But if you’re a
company that’s trying to fight off a concussion lawsuit, stiff elbows to the
forehead might not be the way to go. Let’s not forget how Chris Benoit met his
unfortunate end. Andrew “Test” Martin, too.
ANALYSIS: Domestic violence is bad enough, but when you’re
sticking your mug shot on a T-shirt and selling it online, that’s pretty much
like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s like those cops in New York wearing T-shirts that say, “Breathe
easy, don’t break the law” after they choked the shit out of that black dude.
In Adam Rose’s case, he justified his actions by saying it’s a celebration of
making it through dark times and even said his wife suggested that the mug shot
go on a white tank top. Get it? Because it’s called a wifebeater? Ha, ha,
ha…ha, ha….ugh…
ANALYSIS: Believe it or not, this was a candidate for the
award in 2015 as well. It’s also the only item so far that has garnered a short
story idea for me. It’s called “Gender Blind” and it’s about an MMA promotion
that books their first man vs. woman match and generates a shit-ton of
controversy in the process. Supporters of Lucha Underground could argue
equality between men and women, but come on, what’s so equal about Pentagon Jr.
slapping the shit out of Sexy Star? Maybe they should put their mug shots on a
T-shirt and generate more revenue.
ANALYSIS: Thank god this match didn’t actually take place,
but Kandori’s replacement wasn’t any less of a mismatch with Gabi Garcia. Miss
Garcia is a young lady with more muscles and veins on her body than actual skin
while Kandori’s replacement is a super old former professional wrestler with a
broken down body and a shorter stature. Not surprisingly, Gabi Garcia won the
fight via TKO in a short amount of time, much like a high school football
player beating up a fifth grader for his lunch money.
ANALYSIS: In addition to being the front man for The
Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan is also passionate about pro-wrestling, so much
so that he tried to buy TNA and save them from their ultimate demise.
Unfortunately, he never got his money back and tried to sue the company for his
owed payments. TNA being irresponsible with money? Huh. Who would’ve thunk it?
TNA has since been saved by Anthem Sports, but it still leaves a sour taste in
Billy Corgan’s mouth. Sour tastes aren’t necessarily good for singing Smashing
Pumpkins songs.
ANALYSIS: The Montreal Screwjob in 1997 will go down as one
of the biggest mistreatments of loyal wrestlers in history. Bret Hart was
supposed to win his match with Shawn Michaels and keep his WWF Championship in
front of the Canadian crowd. And then Shawn Michaels beat Bret with his own
sharpshooter move and stole the championship. Fast forward to 2016 and the same
thing happens with Natalya when she tries to defeat Charlotte Flair for the WWE
Women’s Championship, right in front of Uncle Bret. Barf!
ANALYSIS: Had this been done at a different time, it might
have been compared to the excellent trolling job Mark Henry did when he gave
his fake retirement speech in 2013. Daniel Bryan’s legitimate retirement was
still fresh in the audience’s minds. There wasn’t a dry eye in that whole room.
Sasha Banks also had her adoring fans in tears. And then Dana Brooke came out
to attack her only for Sasha to miraculously recover from her knee injury and
fight Dana off. Bad timing. Bad, bad timing. Horrible timing!
ANALYSIS: Once again, MMA organizations have to be told not
to book super old people in fighting competitions. This is the third item on
the list to be guilty of mistreating elderly cage fighters. Sure, these
fighters need paychecks, but come on, really? There’s nothing else these poor
people can do? Nothing at all? No commentating? No producing? No booking? What
the fuck, Japan ?
Nine items on this list, nine reasons for your eyes to bulge
from your head, nine reasons for you to scream, “That’s fucked up!” Come on,
you know you want to. Humor me. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!
***DEMON AXE: EPILOGUE***
It finally happened, ladies and gentlemen: ding, dong, Roger
Zee is dead. His head exploded because he couldn’t handle the magic of heavy
metal. His own tightly wound ass did him in. Unfortunately, the 22nd
chapter ended with Daniel Mercer collapsing onstage, probably due to
overexerting his rib injuries (despite wearing a flak vest for protection).
Does he really want to wake up and deal with the traumatic voices in his head,
especially after what Roger Zee did to him in the last few moments of the novel
(if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you). How do I write an epilogue for
a guy who’s next in line to rule the elven kingdom if he’s got a busted body
and a haunted mind? This is going to take some J.K. Rowling-level toughness on
Daniel’s part, and lots of it.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
SHEAMUS: You’ll get your chance to fight me at TLC. And
brother, you’d better step up.
ROMAN REIGNS: You see, that’s the thing, Sheamus. You’re
still just talking. You’re still just yapping. Yap ,
yap, yap. I thought Irishmen had potatoes. Turns out you’re just smuggling some
tater tots.
YOU TUBER: Oh my god! Oh my god! “I thought Irishmen had
potatoes! I thought Asian people had rice! I thought black people had fried
chicken!” What the fuck?! Tater tots?! That’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve
ever heard in my life! And here I thought it couldn’t get any worse than
“sufferin’ succotash”! “Sufferin’ fuckin’ succotash” to “tater tots”! Wow! Do
they fucking hate Samoans in the WWE?!
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