***I’M BACK FROM NOLA***
If you’ve seen my Face Book posts about this particular
vacation, you’ll notice the central themes of exhaustion and crabbiness. Truth
is, though, it wouldn’t be right to complain about sleep schedules and lack of
private time when many of my readers would kill for a chance to have fun in New Orleans , Louisiana
The first day of the vacation was Sunday, which means lots
of airplane and taxi riding. If you’re traveling to New Orleans, your
ass-numbing patience will be rewarded with a delicious dinner of tender and
juicy rib-eye steak, soft and salty French fries, and some fried oysters that
everybody can share (with good reason). Even before entering the restaurant, if
you’re in this scenario, you get to meet a crazy guy who calls his little doggy
a “reincarnated angel in animal form”. Come to think of it, if I didn’t know
how weird New Orleans
can be, I’d swear that guy owns a windowless van. Hehe! Nah, that’s mean. He
had a good puppy-duppy, I mean, angel from heaven.
The second day was all about riding a boat through the
swamplands and getting to see some awesome creatures in their natural habitat.
There were so many gators in that swamp that you’d swear Karen Russell’s novels
took place in New Orleans instead of Florida . We also got to
see some wild piggies, some of whom were affectionately named Male Chauvinist
Pig, Piggy Smalls, and Notorious PIG. Goddamn, that tour guide had a wild sense
of humor. He even made a few wisecracks about throwing his guests overboard
since they were “live bait”. And when we pulled into the dock, we got to pet
small kitties hanging out at the ticket office. There was a tuxedo kitty, a
panther-looking kitty, a gray and white beauty, and a shy Siamese sweetie that
reminded me of Luna-Tuna. So many animals in one day!
Dia numero tres (forgive me if my Spanish is off) was spent going
on a van tour of the city and learning all about the history of this wild and
crazy city. Houses were purposefully raised to deal with flooding, some of them
high enough to fit an entire level underneath. When Hurricane Katrina did its
damage, it wasn’t he levies that broke. It was the rising level of the lake, a
lake which feeds off into the Gulf of Mexico . From
what I’ve seen, New Orleans
still has quite a bit of work to do in recovering from this environmental
disaster. Theme parks need to be restored, buildings need to be used, and
schools need to be reopened. It can and will be done. If there’s anything you
can learn from the people of New
Orleans , it’s that they can persevere through anything
and keep their smiles alive in the process.
The fourth day was easily the most eye-opening and
educational part of the vacation. We visited Whitney Plantation and got to
learn about the oppressive lives of black slaves. Our tour guide, Ali, even
said that the alternative right racists have nothing on the slave owners back
in the 1700’s and 1800’s. Owning slaves wasn’t just about physically beating
someone into submission. It was psychological torture as well. The slaves lost
their names, their culture, their education, and their family structures thanks
to this disgusting business of treating human beings like property. Visit
Whitneyplantation.com to see just how fucked up of a past we have. Racism is
real, slavery is real, and both still exist in other forms in today’s world.
The fifth and final day was spent wandering around the
French Quarter looking for various shops to pay a visit to. My mom got a facial
at a beauty shop and the European lady who performed that service told me that
I was “cute and handsome” and that she wishes she had a mommy like mine. My
face was redder than the Communist Manifesto. I’m just kidding, I don’t write
like that. Hehe! Dale visited various candy shops and got his fill of
chocolates and pralines. I got a full body reflexology massage that relieved
the stresses of travel and lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I also
went to the toy store and bought a Lego dragon from the Ninjago franchise, so
expect Toy Universe photos in the near future.
This is the second time I’ve been to New Orleans , the first being Halloween in
2011, where I walked down Bourbon
Street dressed as a druid. If I ever go there
again for Halloween, I’m going dressed as Corey Taylor from Slipknot. Even the
late-night partying weirdoes of that city would back away in fear, just like
they do in Port Orchard. Hehe! All in all, the tiredness and travel was worth
it for five days of necromantic culture and educational history. I’m not sure
I’d want to do another long-distance vacation again for a while, but hey,
that’s what I have concerts for, which are really just one-day vacations. In
June, it’s Roger Waters. In July, it’s Brit Floyd. In August, I have separate
dates for Green Day, Metallica, and Incubus. And now in October, it’s Linkin Park
It’s easy to feel crabby and whiny when you’re tired all the
time, but never forget to be grateful for all of your positive experiences.
Home is always waiting for you, sleep is not too far behind, and your best
memories will last a lifetime. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!
***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***
Now that Demon Axe is in the rear view mirror (at least
until I recruit Marie-Pie to help me edit it), I’m going back to writing short
stories to include in Poison Tongue Tales 2 and American Darkness 2. With the
theme this week being “Call of Nature”, my story will be called “The Geomancer”
and it goes like this:
CHARACTERS:
- Bryan Valencia, Geomancer
- Ally Bennett, Hiker
PROMPT CONFORMITY: Geomancy requires the wizard to be in
touch with nature. It is, after all, the Greek word for “earth magic”.
SYNOPSIS: Ally is hiking in the mountains when she stumbles
upon Bryan
casting some sort of spell on the summit. When she asks him about it, he openly
admits to wanting to cause a volcanic explosion. He’s a misanthrope who’s fed
up with the atrocities humans have committed over the years whether it’s rape,
war, genocide, or street violence. One blast from this volcano will be powerful
enough to literally set the world on fire. It’s up to Ally to talk him down
since she’s the only one who believes in Bryan ’s
geomantic powers.
***SPEAKING OF POISON TONGUE TALES***
I got feedback from my awesome friend Andy Peloquin regarding
this lysergic collection of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror stories. Unfortunately,
he couldn’t complete it because it was “too trippy” for his tastes. I don’t
feel bad at all about that. In fact, I take it as a compliment that he thought
he was on acid during his reading adventure. Hehe! I’m the same guy whose
favorite movie of all time is Pink Floyd the Wall despite the creepiness of the
schoolchildren’s faceless masks. This is a blog entry about New Orleans , so that only adds to the
trippiness of it all. If Andy is reading this, I want to thank him for taking
the time to read what he could and that there are no hard feelings, only
yuk-yuk chuckles.
***BOOGER THE CLOWN***
During the flight home to Washington state, I jotted down ideas for
novels in my Lego journal and came up with…”Booger the Clown”. Before you laugh
like a donkey at that title, know that it’s an urban fantasy novel idea that
deals with depression. Watch You Burn deals with schizophrenia, Occupy
Wrestling deals with hair-trigger tempers, and most recently Demon Axe deals
with PTSD. Now it’s time to talk about depression, so without further delay,
here’s a beginning and middle synopsis for “Booger the Clown”:
CHARACTERS:
- Andrew Gale a.k.a. Booger, Depressed Clown
- Stupid Dog, Stray Schipperke
- Orc Army
- More to be Named
BEGINNING SYNOPSIS: After a tour of duty in the Middle East , gangsta rap-loving ex-marine Andrew Gale
comes home with crippling depression and can only find work as a birthday clown
named Booger. On his way to a party, his car breaks down and all he wants to do
is sit on the side of the road and drink beer while listening to violent music.
When an orc approaches him with a blade and an attitude, Booger thinks it’s
just a drunken hallucination and encourages the beast to kill him. The orc
becomes stunned at Booger’s suicidal behavior and ends up getting his ass
kicked himself. After the battle, the clown finds an abandoned schipperke on
the side of the road and calls him Stupid Dog due to his finger biting habits
when being fed.
MIDDLE SYNOPSIS: Booger reveals that he didn’t join the
marines because of personal politics or even the thrill of war. He joined at a
lied-about age so that he could one day be physically and mentally strong
enough to kick his abusive father’s ass.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
Just once I’d like to
buy a birthday cake for someone, put candles in it that look like penises, and
tell the birthday boy to, “Blow them out”.
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