WWE NXT Takeover: London: Bayley vs. Nia Jax

MATCH: Bayley vs. Nia Jax for the former’s NXT Women’s Championship
PROMOTION: WWE NXT
EVENT: Takeover: London
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


When you have a dream, the only way to achieve it is through lengthy journeys and honest-to-God hard work. Attaining such a huge goal may take weeks, months, years, possibly even decades, every second filled with the highs and lows of soldiering on. There may be moments when you feel like quitting, but if you do, all of the heartache will be for nothing. You fight, you scratch, you claw, and you bleed until what you want is within your reach. NXT diva Bayley wanted to not only wrestle, but to be a champion that little girls can look up to. When she defeated Sasha Banks in a grueling five-star match at Takeover: Brooklyn, she exceeded expectations. Congratulations, you tough chick. You’ve earned it.

But of course, winning a prestigious championship is only part of the equation. It takes a shit ton of hard work and sacrifice to win it, but it takes even more guts and brutality to keep it. Not only did Bayley successfully do so in a 30-minute Iron Man rematch against Sasha Banks, but also against Alexa Bliss and Eva Marie. That totals three different divas that Bayley scratched off the long list of those gunning for her diamond-encrusted championship. At Takeover: London, she had quite possibly the toughest challenge a woman of her size could possibly have. She had to defend her title against Nia Jax.

Who exactly is Nia Jax? She’s well over six-feet tall, her weight is well-established within the 200’s, she’s a former plus-size model, she has more strength than an entire African jungle full of wild animals, she fights like an army of barbarians wielding blood-stained axes, and she’s a cousin of WWE legend and movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. NXT color commentator Corey Graves wasn’t kidding when he said Nia Jax vs. Bayley was like watching Mike Tyson vs. Manny Pacquiao. In other words, they were both talented fighters, but the weight discrepancy is mind-boggling. Needless to say, Bayley was outgunned big time.

When the actual match took place in London, England, Bayley had two things that kept her alive throughout the match: a speed advantage and a crowd support advantage. About the latter, of course they’re going to fall in love with Bayley. She’s everything a role model should be: strong, positive, and tireless. Since the event took place in England, it was only appropriate that the crowd sing parodies of Beatles songs and change the lyrics to conform to Bayley. Crowd support can bring any wrestler to life, but in the end, that’s all they can do. When it comes to the actual fight, you’re on your own, lady.

Being so many sizes smaller than the ogre-like Nia Jax, Bayley stuck to her own advantages and used her superior speed to avoid being readily disposed of. She threw quick elbows, quick dropkicks, quick forearms, and although these moves kept the giantess at bay for a little while, they didn’t faze the bloodthirsty bitch at all. It would only be a matter of time before Nia Jax would have her turn at offence and goddamn, did she deliver.

While Bayley’s offence could only be comparable to an annoying fly buzzing around, it was Nia Jax who did the swatting. Turnbuckle body splashes turned Bayley’s insides into mush. Three consecutive fireman’s carry back drops smashed her bones into sugar bits. How about a leg drop from a leg that weighs about as much as a fallen tree. How about another leg drop that feels like a falling building, but this time across the left shoulder? All of these hard-hitting, body-smashing attacks were coming from a woman that outweighed Bayley by at minimum 100 lbs. After suffering it all, the super positive super heroine just laid on the ground lifeless, limp, and ready for a hearse. Rest in peace, Bayley-Pie. I’m not The Undertaker, but I’ll say it to you anyways.

But if the RIP analogy is true, then why does Bayley continue to kick out of these bone-crunching moves? The referee’s hand was only a micrometer from hitting the mat a third time and the little angel that could got her aching shoulder out of the pinning combination to avoid losing. Coming back to life repeatedly was only delaying the inevitable according to the sad saps at the commentary booth, which were the Millhouse look-alike Rich Brennan, the always dorky Byron Saxton, and the heavy metal stud muffin Corey Graves.

Bayley wasn’t going to give up that easily. Nia Jax was getting ready to slam the smaller wrestler on the mat in what would be a modified spine-buster. But the little chick wrapped her arm around Nia’s neck and squeezed so hard that her rhino skull was going to pop like a zit. But then Bayley was slammed down hard and lifeless once more. Nia knelt down to pin her and was again caught in that headlock choke. Once again, Bayley was slammed hard on her back and was ready to meet Jesus with a firm handshake.

After a few wheezes and coughs from Nia Jax, the heavier diva knelt down again for a pin attempt and for the third time in a row got caught in the headlock choke. Bayley’s arms don’t look at that big on television, but she might as well have had 24-inch pythons like the immortal Hulk Hogan. She squeezed so tightly that she would prove why that technique was called a guillotine choke. Before the monstrous diva could be decapitated, she tapped out and the referee awarded the victory and the NXT Women’s Championship to Bayley.

Walking through the fiery valleys of hell is a necessary part of achieving hard-fought victories in the WWE. Not only did Bayley walk them in this match, but she dragged her lifeless body across them until she was fingertips away from her milestone. When she slew the beast known as Nia Jax, Bayley was exhausted. She spent the longest time lying on the ground and trying to get to her knees. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was taken to the hospital after the match was over. But she did it. She’s the biggest example in women’s wrestling of a strong heroine who overcomes the obstacles put in front of her despite the insurmountable odds. Little girls don’t have to grow up to be spoiled princesses. They can grow up and be raging warriors like Bayley. The example she sets for women everywhere is why this match gets a passing grade.

Okay, all you male supremacists out there. I’ve got a question to ask you. Do you still think a woman’s place is in the kitchen? Do you still expect your wives and daughters to cook and clean for you while popping out babies left and right? Raise your hands if you feel this way. Raise them high so that Bayley and Nia Jax can see them and beat the living piss out of all of you. These two women put on a show that nobody is going to forget for a long, long time. If you’d like to forget it so badly, go ahead and trust Bayley with an iron skillet. With one whack upside the head, you’ll probably forget pretty easily. A janitor will have to mop up your brains afterwards, but you’ll forget anyways. For the rest of us who live in the 21^st century, we’ll enjoy this classic women’s wrestling match.

WWE NXT: Eva Marie vs. Carmella

MATCH: Eva Marie vs. Carmella
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Episode of NXT
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Did Not Finish


Being negative is not one of my strong suits. There was a time when I was young and immature and negativity came naturally to me. These days whenever I give a bad review, a little piece of me on the inside dies a brutal death. With that being said, if I don’t do this review, I feel like it will be a missed opportunity to tell it like it is. This needs to be said even though it’s already being said by tons of people. Hell, the NXT audience at Full Sail University in Florida are vocal every time Eva Marie steps through the gorilla position; they boo her relentlessly.

Carmella, on the other hand, I have no problem with. Yes, she used to be rough around the edges when it came to wrestling. Yes, her theme music gives me migraines. But the difference between Carmella and Eva Marie is that the former is capable of improving her game. Carmella used to get as many boos as her opponent, but after hanging around with Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady for long enough and standing up for her boys, those boos eventually turned to cheers. Maybe it has something to do with her funky dance moves. She can moonwalk, for Christ’s sake. Moonwalk!

Eva Marie doesn’t deserve the same praise as the other divas for her wrestling abilities. In fact, watching her wrestle is as awkward as my schizophrenic behavior in the grocery store line. I understand that she wants to get better and has even recruited the help of wrestling veteran and former WWE Tag Team Champion Brian Kendrick to train her. This isn’t a knock against Brian Kendrick, but when I watched Eva Marie on that episode of NXT battling Carmella, I didn’t see improvement. I saw drunken choreography without the breathalyzer test.

Here’s how the match went down. Carmella and Eva Marie got in several collar elbow tie ups and the latter had the former pinned against the corner for a series of unconvincing elbows to the face. Eva Marie’s strikes looked more like massage therapy than combat. So what does Carmella do? She throws that Jessica Rabbit clone through the ropes and lets her crash and burn on the steel ramp. And then Carmella did a little spinning dance and the moonwalk to excite the crowd. Eva Marie eventually got back in the ring and gave her opponent a series of weird-looking vertical suplexes. There were even times when Eva was setting up the move and it looked like she was having a tough time deciding which wrestling move to do.

Before my IQ dropped any further, I grabbed my Roku remote and fast forwarded through that match. I never figured out who won, nor did I care. If watching this match doesn’t make your brain hurt, listen to this. Eva Marie has actually been picking up wins since debuting in NXT, presumably to be pushed into contention for the NXT Women’s Championship, which is currently held by Bayley, a true wrestler in every sense of the word. Really, NXT? You’re the hottest thing going on in wrestling today and you want to push Eva Marie into the main event? You’re right. Eva Marie is red hot. Her matches burn my eyes!

If there is a God in heaven, then He will do the right thing and inspire the readership of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter to show Eva Marie no mercy in the award votes. She’s definitely qualified for Most Overrated, Worst Worked Match of the Year, and even Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic for botching the ending to an NXT match she had against Billie Kay. Either that or she’ll win the latter award just for being pushed. Bob Backlund, Jose Gonzalez, and Eric Watts are all wrestling legends who were given the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award just for being the recipient of a main event push. However, if WWE continues to insult their fans for buying pay-per-views instead of subscribing to the WWE Network, Eva Marie might get a reprieve from the MDPT award.

I need a shower. A long, boiling hot shower with easy access to my Head and Shoulders shampoo and my Axe Phoenix body wash. Writing this review didn’t feel good. Then again, negativity is never therapeutic no matter which channel it comes out of.