Get Me Out of Here

I drink my nectarine juice with no BPAs

The plane’s exhaust fumes shit on the EPA

Babies are crying and cracking my skull

Drunken lunatic tries to give the latch a pull

Horny ass couples suck on faces and tits

Flight attendants’ short fuses are blown to bits

The Air Marshal fell asleep on the job

Get me out of here, I’m ready to sob

I’ll swan dive to the streets of London

Or to France for some Paris lovin’

Parachute to the beaches of Mexico

Pancake on the deserts of Texas, NO!

Anywhere is better than the airplane

Even hell starts to sound a little bit tame

The high winds will cut me to shreds

At least I’ll have my own graveyard bed

I’ll take matters into my own hands

If this plane doesn’t want to fucking land

Chuck the dipshits out of the airlock

Drag them by their greasy coach hair locks

One by one the angels fly to heaven

Or they splat at the seven-eleven

Or they’re floating on the whale road

Silence has become their only code

Oh, my word, I’ve become a flight risk

Pain in the neck like a broken cervical disk

TSA might have to pat my ass down

I’ll leave a present, something warm and brown

They say I might cause another nine-eleven

I can’t even fly a seven-forty-seven

But if it helps them sleep at night

Keep my prison cell locked up tight

"The Blood Files: the Case of Arnus Mortem" by BJ Taylor and Marie Krepps

BOOK TITLE: The Blood Files: the Case of Arnus Mortem

AUTHORS: BJ Taylor and Marie Krepps

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Vampire Horror

GRADE: Pass

Between the years 1929 and 1930, Arnus Mortem a.k.a. Jack the Ripper has been slaying and raping prostitutes on the streets of London with no signs of stopping. He piques the interest of vampire legend Dracula, who turns him into a vampire through a sexually charged ritual and sends him on a mission to build an army of vampires and conquer America. The murderous bloodbaths continue all over the streets of San Francisco, California, where even the cops are powerless to thwart Arnus and his new minions. Will America fall into corrupt and bloodstained hands? The trail of battered bodies seems to agree.

As a lover and writer of gory fiction, I applaud the level of gob-smacking violence the two authors have peppered in this novella. The way the blood, organs, and bones splatter and explode onto everything is delicious even to a non-vampire like myself. It’s almost as if the vampires are painting a masterpiece using the their favorite shades of red, pink, and purple. The sexual overtones are perfectly laced into these violent beat downs. While I won’t go into explicit detail as to how arousing the bloody sex is, make sure your kids are tucked into bed and that your own bedroom door is locked tightly. You might want to invest in a bank vault door if need be. If you love R-rated beauty, you’ll love this novella.

One minor complaint I have about this story is that there are a lot of corrupt characters in this story that are hard to root for. Arnus Mortem is a cold-blooded murderer turned vampire, Dracula is a genocidal misanthropist, Anne beats the crap out of her friend Susan with a baseball bat, and Renfield is a crooked cop who breaks more laws than he upholds. Even the last good guy in the book, Private Investigator Randall Jones, is a home wrecker for his secretary Penny as the two of them have a sexual affair together in his office. There are no clearly defined heroes in this book since everybody is either a murderer, a rapist, a genocidal lunatic, or a combination of all three. As much as we love to root for the villain, those are not likeable qualities for main characters. All they want to do is kill and have sex without any sign of a moral compass. But as I’ve said, that’s only a minor complaint and doesn’t take away from my ability to enjoy this brutal piece of horror fiction.

Not one human being in this novel is safe from vampire driven slaughter. Saw, Hostel, and even Blood Drive can’t compare to the brutality you’ll see in this novel. This novella is not for the weak at heart. Only the toughest and most badass readers will get a kick out of this sexy gore fest. I happen to love every page of this book. Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor are an outstanding team when it comes to vampire fiction and I hope they put out more books like these in the future. Come to think of it, there was a “to be continued” disclaimer at the end of the book, so it looks like my bloody desires will come true yet again! These two authors deserve a passing grade for this hardcore effort. Drink it in, folks (the story, not the blood, hehe!).

WWE NXT Takeover: London: Bayley vs. Nia Jax

MATCH: Bayley vs. Nia Jax for the former’s NXT Women’s Championship
PROMOTION: WWE NXT
EVENT: Takeover: London
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


When you have a dream, the only way to achieve it is through lengthy journeys and honest-to-God hard work. Attaining such a huge goal may take weeks, months, years, possibly even decades, every second filled with the highs and lows of soldiering on. There may be moments when you feel like quitting, but if you do, all of the heartache will be for nothing. You fight, you scratch, you claw, and you bleed until what you want is within your reach. NXT diva Bayley wanted to not only wrestle, but to be a champion that little girls can look up to. When she defeated Sasha Banks in a grueling five-star match at Takeover: Brooklyn, she exceeded expectations. Congratulations, you tough chick. You’ve earned it.

But of course, winning a prestigious championship is only part of the equation. It takes a shit ton of hard work and sacrifice to win it, but it takes even more guts and brutality to keep it. Not only did Bayley successfully do so in a 30-minute Iron Man rematch against Sasha Banks, but also against Alexa Bliss and Eva Marie. That totals three different divas that Bayley scratched off the long list of those gunning for her diamond-encrusted championship. At Takeover: London, she had quite possibly the toughest challenge a woman of her size could possibly have. She had to defend her title against Nia Jax.

Who exactly is Nia Jax? She’s well over six-feet tall, her weight is well-established within the 200’s, she’s a former plus-size model, she has more strength than an entire African jungle full of wild animals, she fights like an army of barbarians wielding blood-stained axes, and she’s a cousin of WWE legend and movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. NXT color commentator Corey Graves wasn’t kidding when he said Nia Jax vs. Bayley was like watching Mike Tyson vs. Manny Pacquiao. In other words, they were both talented fighters, but the weight discrepancy is mind-boggling. Needless to say, Bayley was outgunned big time.

When the actual match took place in London, England, Bayley had two things that kept her alive throughout the match: a speed advantage and a crowd support advantage. About the latter, of course they’re going to fall in love with Bayley. She’s everything a role model should be: strong, positive, and tireless. Since the event took place in England, it was only appropriate that the crowd sing parodies of Beatles songs and change the lyrics to conform to Bayley. Crowd support can bring any wrestler to life, but in the end, that’s all they can do. When it comes to the actual fight, you’re on your own, lady.

Being so many sizes smaller than the ogre-like Nia Jax, Bayley stuck to her own advantages and used her superior speed to avoid being readily disposed of. She threw quick elbows, quick dropkicks, quick forearms, and although these moves kept the giantess at bay for a little while, they didn’t faze the bloodthirsty bitch at all. It would only be a matter of time before Nia Jax would have her turn at offence and goddamn, did she deliver.

While Bayley’s offence could only be comparable to an annoying fly buzzing around, it was Nia Jax who did the swatting. Turnbuckle body splashes turned Bayley’s insides into mush. Three consecutive fireman’s carry back drops smashed her bones into sugar bits. How about a leg drop from a leg that weighs about as much as a fallen tree. How about another leg drop that feels like a falling building, but this time across the left shoulder? All of these hard-hitting, body-smashing attacks were coming from a woman that outweighed Bayley by at minimum 100 lbs. After suffering it all, the super positive super heroine just laid on the ground lifeless, limp, and ready for a hearse. Rest in peace, Bayley-Pie. I’m not The Undertaker, but I’ll say it to you anyways.

But if the RIP analogy is true, then why does Bayley continue to kick out of these bone-crunching moves? The referee’s hand was only a micrometer from hitting the mat a third time and the little angel that could got her aching shoulder out of the pinning combination to avoid losing. Coming back to life repeatedly was only delaying the inevitable according to the sad saps at the commentary booth, which were the Millhouse look-alike Rich Brennan, the always dorky Byron Saxton, and the heavy metal stud muffin Corey Graves.

Bayley wasn’t going to give up that easily. Nia Jax was getting ready to slam the smaller wrestler on the mat in what would be a modified spine-buster. But the little chick wrapped her arm around Nia’s neck and squeezed so hard that her rhino skull was going to pop like a zit. But then Bayley was slammed down hard and lifeless once more. Nia knelt down to pin her and was again caught in that headlock choke. Once again, Bayley was slammed hard on her back and was ready to meet Jesus with a firm handshake.

After a few wheezes and coughs from Nia Jax, the heavier diva knelt down again for a pin attempt and for the third time in a row got caught in the headlock choke. Bayley’s arms don’t look at that big on television, but she might as well have had 24-inch pythons like the immortal Hulk Hogan. She squeezed so tightly that she would prove why that technique was called a guillotine choke. Before the monstrous diva could be decapitated, she tapped out and the referee awarded the victory and the NXT Women’s Championship to Bayley.

Walking through the fiery valleys of hell is a necessary part of achieving hard-fought victories in the WWE. Not only did Bayley walk them in this match, but she dragged her lifeless body across them until she was fingertips away from her milestone. When she slew the beast known as Nia Jax, Bayley was exhausted. She spent the longest time lying on the ground and trying to get to her knees. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was taken to the hospital after the match was over. But she did it. She’s the biggest example in women’s wrestling of a strong heroine who overcomes the obstacles put in front of her despite the insurmountable odds. Little girls don’t have to grow up to be spoiled princesses. They can grow up and be raging warriors like Bayley. The example she sets for women everywhere is why this match gets a passing grade.

Okay, all you male supremacists out there. I’ve got a question to ask you. Do you still think a woman’s place is in the kitchen? Do you still expect your wives and daughters to cook and clean for you while popping out babies left and right? Raise your hands if you feel this way. Raise them high so that Bayley and Nia Jax can see them and beat the living piss out of all of you. These two women put on a show that nobody is going to forget for a long, long time. If you’d like to forget it so badly, go ahead and trust Bayley with an iron skillet. With one whack upside the head, you’ll probably forget pretty easily. A janitor will have to mop up your brains afterwards, but you’ll forget anyways. For the rest of us who live in the 21^st century, we’ll enjoy this classic women’s wrestling match.

"A Street Cat Named Bob" by James Bowen

BOOK TITLE: A Street Cat Named Bob: And How He Saved My Life
AUTHOR: James Bowen
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Cat Memoir
GRADE: Pass


James Bowen has been down on his luck in London, England for a whole decade. He was estranged from his family in Australia and used heroin to cope with his raw emotions. He lived on the streets in cardboard boxes until he was finally able to qualify for public housing. Ever since making an effort to get clean, he became a street musician begging for handouts, which came few and for between and often came with aggressive attitudes toward the poor.

Mr. Bowen’s luck started to change when he found a ginger tomcat he named Bob curled up in his apartment building. He nursed the kitty back to health with the intention of sending the little guy back on the streets. When Bob started following him to work, however, Mr. Bowen attracted more money and more friendly attention. It was a long process, but with a cute cuddly feline in his life, James slowly began to put his life back together.

The biggest upsides to this book are the tale of redemption and the cuteness of Bob that goes along with it. It’s amazing what a simple thing like love can do for a person’s life. James Bowen is an animal lover by nature, so taking the little orange sweetheart into his life was easy. It’s what these two did for each other afterwards that makes their relationship special to the reader. I found myself wanting James Bowen to get clean and have a stable income despite all of the nasty things he’d done with his life prior to this point. If nothing else, this book teaches a valuable lesson in being too quick to judge a person by his past. Bob isn’t judgmental in the least bit. Animal cuties rarely are.

The writing style is exactly what I’d expect from someone who’s writing his first memoir: fast-paced, simple, and clean. It’s a no-nonsense style that gets the reader from place to place while still allowing the reader to peer into James Bowen’s innermost thoughts. Those thoughts can be anything from the fear of losing Bob to the flashbacks of withdrawing from heroin, all of which can be emotionally heart wrenching. I have to admit, though, there were parts where I zoned out as I was reading it. Maybe it’s not the flashiest book ever written, but it’s one I can get through and enjoy the journey along the way.

I’ve often heard the phrase that a story doesn’t end at the final page, but at where the author chooses to stop. The story does stop at a happy place in James and Bob’s lives, but I’m not telling you how it happens; you’ll have to buy the book and read for yourself. I will say this, though: the ending feels a little open-ended, meaning I still fear for the author and his cat’s safety while they’re out on the street doing their thing. In hindsight, the fear is probably a good thing since that makes the two main characters sympathetic and heroic to the reader.

If you like stories about redemption, cute and cuddly animals, and the power of altruistic love, be sure to pick up a copy of “A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen. It’s a rough ride all throughout the book since people on the streets are oftentimes mean and aggressive towards James and Bob, but the cuteness factor and the sense of triumph is there nonetheless. It would probably be worth it to fly all the way out to England on an airplane just to meet the little orange sweetie pie and his wonderful caretaker. But since air travel is a pain in the rear-end (as James Bowen will attest to in the latter half of the book), you can always follow this victorious pair on Twitter and Face Book. They’d love to hear from you!

"The Girlfriend Wager" by Edward Davies

BOOK TITLE: The Girlfriend Wager
AUTHOR: Edward Davies
YEAR: 2015
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Sex Drama-Comedy
GRADE: Pass


In 1990’s England, five college buddies, Rob, Kent, Adrian, Jim, and Hugh, get together in a bar one night and make a wager with each other. Whoever could keep a relationship with a girl for at least three months while having sex at least once would have the rest of the group pay for his drinks after the college year was over. Girl shyness, awkward behavior, previous lovers, and many other strange obstacles get in the way of determining a true victor. Hearts are broken, embarrassments happen, and the only escape for these five friends is a giant glass of cold beer. Is anybody really a winner in this story or are these five virgins just a group of sad sops?

I’m going to start with the biggest reason why this e-book gets a passing grade. The concepts of girl shyness, social awkwardness, virginity, and fear of rejection all resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, this is intended to be funny in some places, but that doesn’t stop the book from speaking the truth from time to time. When I went to high school and college, I was one of the wallflowers who stayed in the background while being protected from the emotional despair of romance. Everyone was always saying to me, “Just ask her out! It’s no big deal! If she says no, just move on to the next one!” If love was that easy, I’d have a whole harem of girls coming after me. But as I’ve found out both from my own experiences with dating and from reading this book, it’s complicated on so many levels. I want to love and be loved, but getting my foot in the door is harder for me than it is for the five friends, and that’s saying something.

Before I get too far into a rant, I have to discuss the other reason why this book gets a passing grade: the pacing. While it is true the book is 400-plus pages long, it reads so quickly that you won’t feel bogged down by too much description. Besides, most of the descriptions come from 90’s pop culture references that I actually understand, so the pacing is even better. If you’re an author and comedy is your intended genre, you don’t want to spend too much time on funny descriptions. The jokes were delivered with such rapid-fire wit that I basically blitzed through the entire story with no potholes or traffic lights along the way. It helps that the witty aspects of this book come from the author using a lot of British vernacular like “fancy” and “bullocks”. I swear it’s like listening to a CD by The Streets, except funnier…for the most part.

There would have been a time when I considered giving this book an extra credit grade, or five stars for all of you Good Reads and Amazon junkies. However, there are certain unforgivable flaws that keep me from doing so. Try as he might to edit this story down to its last detail, Mr. Davies left behind a few glaring mistakes, such as Becca calling Hugh “Paul” and a sentence that reads “Kent glared at Kent”. But these are things Edward Davies could fix on the fly and not break too much of a sweat.

But then you have the pornographic aspects of the book which make the story seem slightly unrealistic. Yes, it’s realistic in the sense that shyness and awkwardness get in the way of a lot of good relationships. But when I say pornographic aspects, I’m talking about all of the women having large breasts, giant asses, and an easy way to get to know them. Plus, there’s a lot of talk about sticking things in their vaginas and squeezing their titties, which are also things you’d find in a cheap porn movie. Granted, this book is somewhat based on Edward Davies’ past at college and a lot of his friends really did talk like that. But even with that background realness, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take the book seriously or jack off to it like a Playboy magazine.

I’m not going to bring the hammer down too hard on Edward, because all in all, this book earned all four of its stars. While it is true the two of us are good friends online, I’m giving him the passing grade out of respect for his book, not out of service to our friendship. I firmly believe Edward Davies has what it takes to launch his literature into the mainstream one day. He just needs to spend a little quality time with the realism and grammatical aspects of his manuscript before sending it out. Before I read “The Girlfriend Wager”, I delved into “Divine Intervention”, another book by Mr. Davies. I’d definitely say “The Girlfriend Wager” is a huge improvement from his last effort, so you’re damn right there’s hope for him. Hell, it might be a sure thing that he becomes successful!

Danger Mouse

TV SHOW TITLE: Danger Mouse
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass


In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.

Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!

If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.

While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!

-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-

"Oink" by Matt Whyman

If you thought big ol’ piggy pies were cute and cuddly, try having mini-pigs! Little fun size babies you can hold in the palm of your hand! Actually, as author Matt Whyman will tell you, his two latest runts, Butch and Roxy, are literally and figuratively a handful. Matt already has four children, a wife, a cat, some chickens, and a puppy-duppy. What the hell, why not throw two little oinker babies into the mix? Of all the animals Matt Whyman has, including the humans, Butch and Roxy were easily the rowdiest of the bunch and therefore gave him the most fits. Want to know all the things mini-oinkers are capable of? How about leaving a warm yellow puddle of piss over Matt’s feet while he’s trying to write children’s stories? Or maybe they can chew on the controller and wires for his Playstation One. Or if you really want a reason to get the blood boiling, how about ripping up the neighbor’s yard during an attempted robbery? The thing is, the piggy pies actually did more damage than the actual burglars. And the neighbor? He’s never in a good mood, so one could only imagine the kind of trouble Matt would be in once he came home. Despite all of these incidents that would normally give Matt Whyman a heart attack, he goes through a progression throughout the memoir where he learns to enjoy the controlled chaos and that all members of his family keep the unit together. In other words, “Oink” is every bit as heartwarming as it is silly and giggly. It actually reads like a novel and follows the formula very well despite the fact that it’s clearly nonfiction. When you read through it, you have no reason to believe that his storybook ending could be anything but nonfiction. He’s not just a celebrity who writes one book about his life with the help of a ghostwriter. Matt Whyman is a veteran author. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he puts pen to paper. He controls the pace, he writes in a giggly tone, and he’s got a great vocabulary. If those three things aren’t enough reason to buy this book, then at least buy it for the cute and cuddly mini-oinkers! AWW!!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Sir, I don’t think ‘piss like a dog’ is a real expression. It’s ‘piss like a racehorse‘. How exactly do you piss like a dog? Do you lift one leg and do it over a fire hydrant?”

-Brad Loekle-