Moana

MOVIE TITLE: Moana

DIRECTORS: Ron Clements and John Musker

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Children’s Animation

RATING: G

GRADE: Pass

In ancient Polynesia, the demigod Maui steals a gem from the island goddess, unwittingly causing a lava demon to rise from the sea and spread a disease across the islands. Motunui is the latest target of this blight when its crops and fishes are dying rapidly. A future chieftain girl named Moana must now sail across the ocean and convince Maui to return the stolen gem to the island goddess. When Maui’s arrogance and Moana’s stubbornness clash, the quest to save the world becomes jeopardized. But the more time this unlikely team spends together, the more they get used to each other’s company, giving them a better chance of righting Maui’s wrongs.

Seeing as how Maui is a muscular human with a barbed wit and heroic athleticism, it only makes sense that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson provides his voice. Fans of WWE know how good of a trash talker he was and fans of his Hollywood resume know how much of a warrior he can be. Whether he’s a WWE champion, a GI Joe soldier with a chain gun, an FBI agent with an insanely fast car, or a self-centered demigod with a magical fish hook that’s bigger than he is, The Rock is a certified stud no matter what role he takes. He’s energetic, he’s hilarious, and he never misses a beat. I wouldn’t want anybody else taking the role of Maui. It just wouldn’t be right. The Rock’s performance is dead-on and justifiable of his million dollar salary.

Another thing I enjoyed about this movie was the environmental overtones. Yes, the fantasy elements such as the mystical gem and the lava monster don’t fit in with modern day politics, but the message is still the same: treat mother earth with respect and she’ll give you everything you’ve ever wanted. If you take too much from her or abuse her in any way, you’re going to feel her wrath. Only take as many fish as you need, plant crops with abundance, and keep the animals and plant-life safe. It’s a simple message that doesn’t get heard enough. Think of Moana as a Disney-animated fantasy version of a Carl Hiaasen novel. Sure, Mr. Hiaasen’s novels don’t have lava monsters, but sometimes the worst monsters are the more realistic ones, like humans.

The final thing I want to touch on is the beauty of the Polynesian world in which Disney created. The clear blue water of the ocean looks like a lot of fun to drink and swim in. The palm tree forests and sandy beaches are vacation-worthy, which is funny considering I watched this movie on a Mexican cruise ship. The character designs are also lovable whether it’s the overly stupid chicken Heihei, the cuddly piggy baby that lives on Moana’s island, or even the gigantic gold and jewel-encrusted crab who’s holding Maui’s magical fishhook hostage. This is a world I wouldn’t mind living in despite the blight spreading across the islands. I would go swimming every day and eat fish until the end of time. Maybe I would even cuddle with Heihei and the piggy. Aww!

Moana is a beautifully executed movie with more high points than I’m capable of listing in this short review. If you like strong female characters, you’ll love the title protagonist. If you like beautiful scenery, you’ll love this movie as a whole. If you love comedic conversations, look no further than Dwayne Johnson and his portrayal of Maui. I would be hard pressed to find a single flaw within this movie. Yes, I know this movie has received a lot of criticism from the Polynesian community, but I prefer to enjoy a good movie instead of dwell in negativity. A passing grade goes to this lovely piece of children’s cinema!

"Oink" by Matt Whyman

If you thought big ol’ piggy pies were cute and cuddly, try having mini-pigs! Little fun size babies you can hold in the palm of your hand! Actually, as author Matt Whyman will tell you, his two latest runts, Butch and Roxy, are literally and figuratively a handful. Matt already has four children, a wife, a cat, some chickens, and a puppy-duppy. What the hell, why not throw two little oinker babies into the mix? Of all the animals Matt Whyman has, including the humans, Butch and Roxy were easily the rowdiest of the bunch and therefore gave him the most fits. Want to know all the things mini-oinkers are capable of? How about leaving a warm yellow puddle of piss over Matt’s feet while he’s trying to write children’s stories? Or maybe they can chew on the controller and wires for his Playstation One. Or if you really want a reason to get the blood boiling, how about ripping up the neighbor’s yard during an attempted robbery? The thing is, the piggy pies actually did more damage than the actual burglars. And the neighbor? He’s never in a good mood, so one could only imagine the kind of trouble Matt would be in once he came home. Despite all of these incidents that would normally give Matt Whyman a heart attack, he goes through a progression throughout the memoir where he learns to enjoy the controlled chaos and that all members of his family keep the unit together. In other words, “Oink” is every bit as heartwarming as it is silly and giggly. It actually reads like a novel and follows the formula very well despite the fact that it’s clearly nonfiction. When you read through it, you have no reason to believe that his storybook ending could be anything but nonfiction. He’s not just a celebrity who writes one book about his life with the help of a ghostwriter. Matt Whyman is a veteran author. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he puts pen to paper. He controls the pace, he writes in a giggly tone, and he’s got a great vocabulary. If those three things aren’t enough reason to buy this book, then at least buy it for the cute and cuddly mini-oinkers! AWW!!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Sir, I don’t think ‘piss like a dog’ is a real expression. It’s ‘piss like a racehorse‘. How exactly do you piss like a dog? Do you lift one leg and do it over a fire hydrant?”

-Brad Loekle-

"I Can Make Out With Any Girl Here" by Ryan Nemeth

I’ll be the first to say that “I Can Make Out With Any Girl Here” by Ryan Nemeth isn’t the most technically sound book when it comes to writing style. Instead of a traditional novel format, this story is told through journal entries, emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. This particular way of doing things doesn’t allow much wiggle room for showing instead of telling. But even with all of these things working against the Generation Y member known as Ryan Nemeth, his book is still entertaining from beginning to end. He takes a college freshman known as Donny Blake and puts him through a humorous journey through his schooling which involves promiscuous sex, pranks involving pig fetuses, going on spending sprees, and flirting with his French teacher. Donny’s stereotypically chaotic behavior lands him in hot water with the college administration and he’s looking at a punishment somewhere between being expelled from school and being thrown in jail. What exactly could Donny Blake have done in order to deserve such a brutal punishment? That’s for you to find out when you eventually go to Amazon.com and purchase a copy of this fast-paced giggle fest. Speaking of Amazon, that’s really the only place I know of that has a copy of the book. I haven’t seen it in places like Fred Meyer or Barnes & Noble. Then again, it’s easy to get lost in those places worse than a child at Disneyland. It’s probably for the best that the only way to find this book is via search engine. And when you eventually do your internet searches for Ryan Nemeth, you’ll find out that he is the real-life brother of WWE superstar Dolph Ziggler. Truth be told, if I didn’t know that Dolph Ziggler had a brother, I would have never found out about this book. In any event, I’m very thankful that I did find out about it. Despite its unorthodox writing style, it is a fun book to read. You may even get through it in one whole day like I did. Expect nothing less than a giggling riot when you read this book that was, and I’m not making this up, published by a company called Yellow Snow Press. You sure as shit won’t find this book under the Harlequin or Del Rey banner, unless of course you consider Donny Blake boinking a girl called Ugly Jen to be romantic or if you consider pig fetuses to be a part of some sci-fi conspiracy theory.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“For a minute there, I thought Daniel Bryan was just an old guy in his underwear.”

-Dolph Ziggler-