I Left My Spoons in Kitsap County

CHORUS

I left my heart in San Francisco

I left my wallet in El Segundo

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Goddamn, I’m all over the place

VERSE 1

I can trim your hedges, wash your dishes

Do your laundry, cook your fishes

But the minute I turn on my computer

I get back in bed to be a snoozer

They call it Spoon Theory, I believe it

My silverware drawer makes me want to sleep in

More forks and knives in my sensitive skin

Than a sewing cushion that’s covered in pins

CHORUS

I left my heart in San Francisco

I left my wallet in El Segundo

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Goddamn, I’m all over the place

VERSE 2

Going to war inside my fucked up head

Leaves me wanting the comfort of my bed

Ain’t no peace treaty being signed today

So I take my forks and knives every which way

I went to a rock concert looking like hell

Zoning in and out, but no one could tell

Yet it feels like I’m under a magnifying glass

Eat a bag of popcorn to fatten my ass

CHORUS

I left my heart in San Francisco

I left my wallet in El Segundo

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Goddamn, I’m all over the place

VERSE 3

I left the venue feeling like Superman

Alive with zeal just like an uber fan

But the real world smacked me in the balls

It was back to the grind and the faceplant fall

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Every bigot and troll wants to collect my bounty

My own cutlery drawer wants to cut me to pieces

Until the day my heartbeat finally ceases

EXTENDED CHORUS

I left my heart in San Francisco

I left my wallet in El Segundo

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Goddamn, I’m all over the place

I left my money in Seattle

I left my body somewhere in Tacoma

I left my spoons in Kitsap County

Where the fuck did they go?

Cloud Atlas

MOVIE TITLE: Cloud Atlas

DIRECTORS: Lana & Lily Wachowski and Tom Tykwer

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Epic Science Fiction

RATING: R for violence, language, and sexual content

GRADE: Pass

In 1849, American lawyer Adam Ewing thinks he’s being treated for an intestinal worm, but he’s actually being poisoned by his doctor so that the latter can steal his riches. In 1936, English composer Robert Frobisher helps Vyvyan Ayers write a piano piece called The Cloud Atlas. In 1973, journalist Luisa Rey hopes to uncover a plot involving corrupt nuclear energy advocates. In 2012, Scottish publisher Tim Cavendish is committed to a retirement home and subjected to abuse during his stay. In 2144, South Korea has become a dystopian autocracy that robotic waitress Somni must find individuality in. In post-apocalyptic Hawaii, a tribal society struggles for survival when they’re constantly attacked by cannibalistic barbarians. Every one of these separate stories comes together to create themes of reincarnation and juxtaposition. The trick to watching this movie is finding that common thread.

As much as I loved the creative way in which these stories were connected, it does lend itself to confusing storytelling at times. While forcing an audience to think deeply is what all good movies should aspire to do, sometimes piecing together those puzzles right in the middle of viewing can take away from the overall experience. Perhaps this movie was always meant to be watched multiple times. All you have to do is consider the directors and what their legacies bring to the table. The Wachowskis are champions of Gnosticism, which makes the themes of interconnection and reincarnation that much more apparent. But at the same time, I can see how the chaos and confusion might force a watcher to turn away. I stayed throughout the whole thing and enjoyed it to pieces, so this is only a minor complaint on my part.

One of my favorite mini-stories in this movie is the dystopian tale in South Korea. With our current politics all across the globe, themes of dystopia are more important now than they ever were. Through Somni’s individuality and sacrifices, we as an audience are taught to question everything around us and never submit to brainwashing no matter how much violence is piled on against us. Our minds are the last safe haven we have when it comes to being ourselves. When we lose that, we lose everything. I’d rather live dangerously and be myself than live safely and be a clone. Or to put it in the words of a famous metal band from the 2000’s, “I choose death before dishonor. I’d rather die than live down on my knees.” Is it any wonder that Somni was worshiped so much in the Hawaiian apocalypse story?

The other favorite story of mine was Tim Cavendish’s nursing home fiasco. Tim can be described as an eccentric old man with more creativity in one of his farts than most people have in their whole bodies. That’s why it’s important for him to escape that dreadful nursing home so that he can become the imaginative author he was always meant to be. Of all the characters in this movie, Tim is easily my favorite to root for. He’s foul-mouthed, he’s delightfully Scottish, and he’s not afraid to express himself despite the conformist nature of his environment. In many ways, the nursing home is a lot like dystopian South Korea, and no, that’s not hyperbole. If Tim can stand up to that oppressive place, who’s to say others can’t learn something from his individuality?

The lessons in individuality and the craftily connected timeline are what make Cloud Atlas a modern day classic. It’s not perfect and probably does need to be watched more than once, but it’s still enjoyable and it’ll still blow your mind. Another notch in the Wachowski’s belts, another excellent decision when they partnered with the legendary Tom Tykwer. Just like the timeline of events, the stars aligned perfectly to bring the audience a movie they can love. How does a passing grade sound to everybody?

"The Blood Files: the Case of Arnus Mortem" by BJ Taylor and Marie Krepps

BOOK TITLE: The Blood Files: the Case of Arnus Mortem

AUTHORS: BJ Taylor and Marie Krepps

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Vampire Horror

GRADE: Pass

Between the years 1929 and 1930, Arnus Mortem a.k.a. Jack the Ripper has been slaying and raping prostitutes on the streets of London with no signs of stopping. He piques the interest of vampire legend Dracula, who turns him into a vampire through a sexually charged ritual and sends him on a mission to build an army of vampires and conquer America. The murderous bloodbaths continue all over the streets of San Francisco, California, where even the cops are powerless to thwart Arnus and his new minions. Will America fall into corrupt and bloodstained hands? The trail of battered bodies seems to agree.

As a lover and writer of gory fiction, I applaud the level of gob-smacking violence the two authors have peppered in this novella. The way the blood, organs, and bones splatter and explode onto everything is delicious even to a non-vampire like myself. It’s almost as if the vampires are painting a masterpiece using the their favorite shades of red, pink, and purple. The sexual overtones are perfectly laced into these violent beat downs. While I won’t go into explicit detail as to how arousing the bloody sex is, make sure your kids are tucked into bed and that your own bedroom door is locked tightly. You might want to invest in a bank vault door if need be. If you love R-rated beauty, you’ll love this novella.

One minor complaint I have about this story is that there are a lot of corrupt characters in this story that are hard to root for. Arnus Mortem is a cold-blooded murderer turned vampire, Dracula is a genocidal misanthropist, Anne beats the crap out of her friend Susan with a baseball bat, and Renfield is a crooked cop who breaks more laws than he upholds. Even the last good guy in the book, Private Investigator Randall Jones, is a home wrecker for his secretary Penny as the two of them have a sexual affair together in his office. There are no clearly defined heroes in this book since everybody is either a murderer, a rapist, a genocidal lunatic, or a combination of all three. As much as we love to root for the villain, those are not likeable qualities for main characters. All they want to do is kill and have sex without any sign of a moral compass. But as I’ve said, that’s only a minor complaint and doesn’t take away from my ability to enjoy this brutal piece of horror fiction.

Not one human being in this novel is safe from vampire driven slaughter. Saw, Hostel, and even Blood Drive can’t compare to the brutality you’ll see in this novel. This novella is not for the weak at heart. Only the toughest and most badass readers will get a kick out of this sexy gore fest. I happen to love every page of this book. Marie Krepps and BJ Taylor are an outstanding team when it comes to vampire fiction and I hope they put out more books like these in the future. Come to think of it, there was a “to be continued” disclaimer at the end of the book, so it looks like my bloody desires will come true yet again! These two authors deserve a passing grade for this hardcore effort. Drink it in, folks (the story, not the blood, hehe!).

WWE Wrestlemania 31: Sting vs. Triple H

MATCH: Sting vs. Triple H in a No Disqualification match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 31
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


In the 1990’s, the ratings war between WWE and WCW was one that would determine which company would remain in business. Both companies had high-rising superstars. Both companies had millions of dollars. Both companies pushed the envelope with their edgy television shows. In the beginning of this competitive war, WCW introduced the world to The New World Order, a faction of rebels consisting of mega-stars like Scott Hall (formerly Razor Ramon), Kevin Nash (formerly Diesel), Hulk Hogan, and many other wrestlers with a legendary legacy.

But in the end, it was the youth and freshness of Mick Foley, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and Degeneration X that slew the beast known as WCW. The star power-fueled company known as WCW closed its doors permanently in 2001 with many of their wrestlers serving as jobbers for the WWE during the “invasion” storyline.

Fast forward to Survivor Series in 2014, which was 13 years after the WCW legacy was buried forever. The Authority (Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) were throwing their weight around and making life for young up-and-comers miserable. Daniel Bryan had been put on the injured reserve list, Dolph Ziggler had many handicapped matches to deal with, John Cena was losing his opportunities at star power, and oh yeah, the Big Show cried like a baby.

Who decides to show up at Survivor Series of that year? Sting, the face-painted, trench coat-wearing, baseball bat-wielding vigilante who said more with just one stare than most wrestlers could in a ten minute interview. He continued to cost The Authority matches and play mind games with Triple H. Sting was at one point WCW’s lone soldier against the powers of the New World Order. Over a decade later, he wants revenge against Triple H for putting that company out of business and leaving Sting in an indefinite stasis (actually, he wrestled for TNA, which is basically WCW for the 2000’s, but who’s keeping track?).

Several months after Sting’s WWE debut, a match between him and Triple H is made for 2015’s biggest pay-per-view event, Wrestlemania 31. It was billed as a clash between icons of their respective companies, Sting representing WCW and Triple H representing WWE. These two wrestlers were past the prime of their careers, yet they were determined to wrestle with the spirit of youth. For Sting, this wasn’t just about WCW closing its doors in 2001; this was about knocking a tyrant like Triple H off of his throne.

Fast forward to the actual match between these two. Wrestlemania events are known for super-creative entrances to the ring. This match was no different when Sting came to the ring with face-painted Japanese warriors were playing Taiko drums to introduce him. Triple H chose something slightly more epic for his entrance. He dressed like The Terminator and carried metal skulls to the ring with him. Sting promised the samurai warrior spirit and Triple H promised futuristic destruction that spared nobody. Which one would prevail?

Sting and Triple H had a lot of miles on their bodies, but with those miles comes wisdom and experience. The opening parts of the match were wrestled with basic maneuvers such as clotheslines, hip tosses, knee drops, back body drops, suplexes, and the occasional corner splash. Yes, these are old school moves, but Triple H and Sting did them with such perfection that they were actually entertaining to watch. Even more entertaining was when Sting had Triple H dead to rights in the Scorpion Death Lock.

And then we hear the Chris Warren band screaming, “Break it down!”, which could mean only one thing: the arrival of Degeneration X members Road Dog, Billy Gunn, and X-Pac, all three of which were instrumental in bringing WCW to its knees. If they wanted to get involved in the match, they could since it was announced as No Disqualification. The numbers game was sure to catch Sting off guard.

And then we hear Frank Shelley’s guitar twanging and twisting, which meant the arrival of New World Order members Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash, all three of which had achieved WWE Hall of Fame inductions. Outside of the ring, the New World Order and Degeneration X members beat the hell out of each other. They threw each other against barricades, ring posts, the punched and kicked like there was no tomorrow, and there was even a time when Road Dog back body dropped Scott Hall on the concrete floor…and Scott Hall, as elderly as he was, got back up!

And then the hardware started to come out, Sting with his baseball bat and Triple H with his sledgehammer. While the NWO and DX were fighting outside the ring, the two actual match competitors fought like medieval warriors with their hardcore weapons. Triple H was determined to be the badass barbarian he always was with his hammer, but with one strike from Sting’s bat, the hammer broke in two and Triple H was cornered.

And then, the final member of DX, Shawn Michaels, another Hall of Famer, came out of nowhere and super-kicked Sting into unconsciousness. It was another blow from Triple H’s now broken hammer that finally did in the vigilante known as Sting. A count to three later and Triple H was declared the winner of this war between WWE and WCW. After all was said and done, the members of the New World Order, Degeneration X, Triple H, and Sting all got together and showed each other respect with hand shakes and hugs.

Normally when old wrestlers get in the ring, they’re huffing and puffing as they struggle with their equilibrium, which is why a lot of WCW were boring to watch. But when the remnants of DX and the NWO got in their time machines and threw themselves into the Wrestlemania 31 vortex, it had the crowd chanting, “This is awesome!” over and over again. I would have chanted the same thing if I was in San Francisco that day. Hell, that whole audience was having nerd-gasms all night long after this match. There wasn’t one bad match on that whole pay-per-view. In fact, Wrestlemania 31 might get the nod for Best Major Show of 2015 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and it would be a well deserved honor.

Nerd-gasms and childhood memories aside, the conclusion of this match does beg the question of what Sting’s role within WWE will be now that he failed to dethrone Triple H. Is his momentum completely destroyed? Will he strictly have a backstage role? Will he show up at another major show and shift the balance of power again? I wouldn’t mind seeing Sting again someday. He has many decades of wear and tear on his body, yet he wrestles like a 21-year-old. In other words, the man forgot to age. Give him another chance, damn it!