MATCH: Eva Marie vs. Carmella
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Episode of NXT
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Did Not Finish
Being negative is not one of my strong suits. There was a time when I was young and immature and negativity came naturally to me. These days whenever I give a bad review, a little piece of me on the inside dies a brutal death. With that being said, if I don’t do this review, I feel like it will be a missed opportunity to tell it like it is. This needs to be said even though it’s already being said by tons of people. Hell, the NXT audience at Full Sail University in Florida are vocal every time Eva Marie steps through the gorilla position; they boo her relentlessly.
Carmella, on the other hand, I have no problem with. Yes, she used to be rough around the edges when it came to wrestling. Yes, her theme music gives me migraines. But the difference between Carmella and Eva Marie is that the former is capable of improving her game. Carmella used to get as many boos as her opponent, but after hanging around with Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady for long enough and standing up for her boys, those boos eventually turned to cheers. Maybe it has something to do with her funky dance moves. She can moonwalk, for Christ’s sake. Moonwalk!
Eva Marie doesn’t deserve the same praise as the other divas for her wrestling abilities. In fact, watching her wrestle is as awkward as my schizophrenic behavior in the grocery store line. I understand that she wants to get better and has even recruited the help of wrestling veteran and former WWE Tag Team Champion Brian Kendrick to train her. This isn’t a knock against Brian Kendrick, but when I watched Eva Marie on that episode of NXT battling Carmella, I didn’t see improvement. I saw drunken choreography without the breathalyzer test.
Here’s how the match went down. Carmella and Eva Marie got in several collar elbow tie ups and the latter had the former pinned against the corner for a series of unconvincing elbows to the face. Eva Marie’s strikes looked more like massage therapy than combat. So what does Carmella do? She throws that Jessica Rabbit clone through the ropes and lets her crash and burn on the steel ramp. And then Carmella did a little spinning dance and the moonwalk to excite the crowd. Eva Marie eventually got back in the ring and gave her opponent a series of weird-looking vertical suplexes. There were even times when Eva was setting up the move and it looked like she was having a tough time deciding which wrestling move to do.
Before my IQ dropped any further, I grabbed my Roku remote and fast forwarded through that match. I never figured out who won, nor did I care. If watching this match doesn’t make your brain hurt, listen to this. Eva Marie has actually been picking up wins since debuting in NXT, presumably to be pushed into contention for the NXT Women’s Championship, which is currently held by Bayley, a true wrestler in every sense of the word. Really, NXT? You’re the hottest thing going on in wrestling today and you want to push Eva Marie into the main event? You’re right. Eva Marie is red hot. Her matches burn my eyes!
If there is a God in heaven, then He will do the right thing and inspire the readership of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter to show Eva Marie no mercy in the award votes. She’s definitely qualified for Most Overrated, Worst Worked Match of the Year, and even Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic for botching the ending to an NXT match she had against Billie Kay. Either that or she’ll win the latter award just for being pushed. Bob Backlund, Jose Gonzalez, and Eric Watts are all wrestling legends who were given the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award just for being the recipient of a main event push. However, if WWE continues to insult their fans for buying pay-per-views instead of subscribing to the WWE Network, Eva Marie might get a reprieve from the MDPT award.
I need a shower. A long, boiling hot shower with easy access to my Head and Shoulders shampoo and my Axe Phoenix body wash. Writing this review didn’t feel good. Then again, negativity is never therapeutic no matter which channel it comes out of.
Showing posts with label Did Not Finish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Did Not Finish. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Friday, December 19, 2014
Grading System
You all have probably noticed when I review something I give it a generic grade of either pass or fail. Over the time I’ve been giving reviews, things have gotten more complicated than that. It’s suddenly not as simple as a P or an F anymore. In fact, here’s my grading system in a nutshell:
1. Extra Credit: This is an extremely rare grade that I give to a medium that I not only liked, but thought it exceeded expectations. Whenever I watch something, I usually expect that it will be likeable. When I give something an EC grade, it really blew me away and changed me forever. The only movie to get this grade so far is The Lego Movie, because it gave me the creative fuel I needed to get out of a slump of depression.
2. Pass: This is the most common grade I’ve given any movie, TV show, match, or book. When I watch something, I want to enjoy it, so I don’t intentionally pick out flaws or even dig very deep to find them. An example of a UFC match with a passing grade is the 2013 Fight of the Year, Gilbert Melendez vs. Diego Sanchez. It was exciting, just like a UFC match should be.
3. Mixed: This is exactly how it sounds. I liked whatever I was watching or reading, but not enough to give it a passing grade. I liked it despite the overwhelming number of flaws in the medium, and these are things that are obvious enough to even the most brain-dead viewers. The only movie to receive this grade so far is Dead Man Down, where the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett and the unresolved and overwhelming bullying storyline prevent it from being a favorite.
4. Fail: I’ve watched the show or read the book all the way through and I hated it. Very rarely will I finish a book or show that I hate, but it does happen, more often with TV and movies than with books. The last time I gave a failing grade was when I was reviewing a UFC lightweight bout between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard. While Gray was swinging away, Clay was evasive and timid, which made a brutal brawl an impossibility between these two. Clay Guida almost got points taken away by referee Dan Miragliotta for being a cowardly fighter. Almost is not enough.
5. Did Not Finish: In other words, the medium was so bad that I couldn’t stand to see it all the way through without having my brain explode. Normally when I can’t finish a book, I put it down and that’s the last you’ll ever hear from me. No reviews, just a brief show of frustration in a few characters or less. An example of a book I would give a DNF grade to is “Fifty Shades Darker” by EL James. Christian Grey is an unbearable asshole who doesn’t deserve to have a girlfriend in the first place, and yet, Anastasia Steele is so love sick that she’ll shack up with anybody at this point whether they’re nice or mean.
Five different grades for my reviews. Good Reads ranks books on a five star system. Coincidence? Probably not.
1. Extra Credit: This is an extremely rare grade that I give to a medium that I not only liked, but thought it exceeded expectations. Whenever I watch something, I usually expect that it will be likeable. When I give something an EC grade, it really blew me away and changed me forever. The only movie to get this grade so far is The Lego Movie, because it gave me the creative fuel I needed to get out of a slump of depression.
2. Pass: This is the most common grade I’ve given any movie, TV show, match, or book. When I watch something, I want to enjoy it, so I don’t intentionally pick out flaws or even dig very deep to find them. An example of a UFC match with a passing grade is the 2013 Fight of the Year, Gilbert Melendez vs. Diego Sanchez. It was exciting, just like a UFC match should be.
3. Mixed: This is exactly how it sounds. I liked whatever I was watching or reading, but not enough to give it a passing grade. I liked it despite the overwhelming number of flaws in the medium, and these are things that are obvious enough to even the most brain-dead viewers. The only movie to receive this grade so far is Dead Man Down, where the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett and the unresolved and overwhelming bullying storyline prevent it from being a favorite.
4. Fail: I’ve watched the show or read the book all the way through and I hated it. Very rarely will I finish a book or show that I hate, but it does happen, more often with TV and movies than with books. The last time I gave a failing grade was when I was reviewing a UFC lightweight bout between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard. While Gray was swinging away, Clay was evasive and timid, which made a brutal brawl an impossibility between these two. Clay Guida almost got points taken away by referee Dan Miragliotta for being a cowardly fighter. Almost is not enough.
5. Did Not Finish: In other words, the medium was so bad that I couldn’t stand to see it all the way through without having my brain explode. Normally when I can’t finish a book, I put it down and that’s the last you’ll ever hear from me. No reviews, just a brief show of frustration in a few characters or less. An example of a book I would give a DNF grade to is “Fifty Shades Darker” by EL James. Christian Grey is an unbearable asshole who doesn’t deserve to have a girlfriend in the first place, and yet, Anastasia Steele is so love sick that she’ll shack up with anybody at this point whether they’re nice or mean.
Five different grades for my reviews. Good Reads ranks books on a five star system. Coincidence? Probably not.
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