The Ballad of Sam Corleone

Every other weekend and twice on Sundays

Smashing skulls for a living on Mondays

Looking like bloodshed in khakis and boots

Fuck the spandex trunks, fuck corporate suits

Heavy metal T-shirt around his big old gut

Messy brown hair above a face full of cuts

He stood in the ring crackling his knuckles

Maybe his opponent pussed out and buckled

Then comes R-Truth and the mid-card clowns

Chasing the champ all over the fucking town

All of this comedy for an ugly green strap

Time to put an end to this silly little crap

Grabbing a steel chair from under the ring

Whacking Truth across the back so he could sing

Repeated shots across his nonexistent spine

Crushing ribs into a powder so damn fine

The pin fall was as easy as one, two, three

A new 24/7 Champ on your TV screen

While Truth boy was carried out on a stretcher

The mid-carders ran away forever and ever

New champ took the mike after taking his throne

“My motherfucking name is Sam Corleone

I’ll bring seriousness to this comedy title

Hold onto this strap for a long ass while”

Drake Maverick sneaked up from behind

Threw a chair shot to Sam’s steel spine

The no-sell motel was open for business

Sam turned around to face this idiot

Yanked his ankles, pancaked him on the mat

With one stomp, Drake’s nuts went splat

The poor fucker puked up blood eternally

Carried to the back and to the infirmary

Nobody else dared challenge the king

Even if he was unconscious in the ring

Sam Corleone kept the belt for a year

Instilling in everyone pants-shitting fear

From Strowman to Roman, Dain to Kane

Big Show to Ohno, they all got owned

Then he burned the title in a garbage can

Who’s laughing now? Not a single man

Get used to Sam having main even status

Even if it makes little kids the saddest

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

You’ve got two options: fuck off or fight!”

WWE Wrestlemania 28: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the latter’s World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 28
YEAR: 2012
RATING: TV-PG for mild violence
GRADE: Fail

Sheamus was first on WWE television in 2009 as part of the revived version of ECW (which wasn’t anything like the original, unfortunately). He had the size, strength, and athleticism that WWE management loves in a potential World Champion. Naturally, they booked him to go on an undefeated streak for months on end, even having him win the WWE Championship in December of that year from John Cena in a Tables Match. While the muscular and gigantic Irishman was mowing over opponents left and right, he even caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in 2010, who deemed him the Most Improved Wrestler of that year.

Daniel Bryan is the exact opposite of Sheamus. He arrived on WWE television in 2010 as part of the show that replaced ECW called NXT, where he was a “rookie” learning from The Miz. From the first day in the WWE, Daniel Bryan was disrespected by his peers and even caused play-by-play announcer Michael Cole to turn heel in an effort to bury him on commentary. During his time on NXT, Bryan amassed a win-loss record of 0-10 and continued to be booked in losing situations throughout 2010 and 2011. He won the World Heavyweight Championship from the Big Show in December of 2011, but only because he had the Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in at a vulnerable opportunity.

All of this hatred for Bryan from WWE management stemmed from his “dorky” personality and short stature. And yet, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awarded him Match of the Year one time and Most Outstanding and Best Technical Wrestler multiple times during his career on the independent circuit. The clash of opinions between the “internet dorks” and WWE management was not lost on the audience.

Fast forward to 2012 where Sheamus is a wildly popular baby face and Daniel Bryan is a cowardly heel who celebrates disqualification and count-out victories. Sheamus won the Royal Rumble in January and got to choose which World Champion to face at Wrestlemania: CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. Sheamus chose the latter of those two and the match was booked.

But having a match booked in advance is very different from having a match properly promoted. In most normal championship matches, the baby face is the one who has to overcome insurmountable odds to win the belt. Not the case with Sheamus. He had the size and the violent momentum while Daniel Bryan was running away and being a sheepish coward. Betting the house on Sheamus winning in convincing fashion would make you a rich man by now.

And then the World Heavyweight Championship match took place at Wrestlemania 28. The fans in attendance were expecting a war between these two. They expected Sheamus’ powerful brawling style to clash with Daniel Bryan’s fast-paced technical style in a battle where concussions, blood, and welts would have been considered normal. Here’s how it really went down. Daniel Bryan’s storyline girlfriend AJ Lee gets on the apron and the two of them share a pre-match kiss. Daniel Bryan turns around and gets a Brogue Kick to the face, which is Sheamus’ finishing move. Sheamus pins Bryan 1-2-3 and wins the title in a record-setting 18 seconds. When Five Finger Death Punch put out the album “War Is the Answer”, they clearly didn’t have this drive-by abortion of a match in mind.

To say that the fans were pissed off would be an understatement. To say that they were in a riotous rage would be more appropriate assumption. The fans booed Sheamus out of the building (despite him being a baby face) and cheered wildly for Daniel Bryan (despite him being a heel). You have to remember that this is a new day in wrestling. The fans won’t blindly cheer for baby faces and blindly boo heels anymore. With universal internet access, you can find out backstage facts about your favorite wrestlers and form your own opinion of them. The fans still love Daniel Bryan to this day and cheer their heads off for him everywhere he goes. The WWE tried to bury his legacy and now he’s the most popular guy on the roster. The fans got ripped off and the bookers for this match have egg on their faces.

At this point, it shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore that WWE management doesn’t enjoy the work of Daniel Bryan. However, I believe his attempted burial at Wrestlemania 28 had more to do with something else disturbing. A few weeks before his match with Sheamus, Daniel Bryan interfered in a match featuring Randy Orton and caused a No Contest when he clocked Orton in the back of the head with his title belt. Randy Orton was diagnosed with a concussion and written of WWE television for the next few weeks.

If you’re knowledgeable of backstage politics like I am, you know why concussing Randy Orton is a big deal. The man is the corporate face of WWE. He has all the big matches and all the movie deals, so he has a lot of power when it comes to making decisions about other wrestlers.

In 2009, he complained to management after a wrestler by the name of Mr. Kennedy “botched” a back suplex on him. Mr. Kennedy was fired the next day. Kofi Kingston was in a match with Orton and “botched” the ending. Now Kofi Kingston is a mid-card joke. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins called Randy Orton out for botching part of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match in 2013. Those two lost their Tag Team Championship months later. So it’s okay for Orton to botch as many times as he wants, but for other people to botch is suddenly heresy. That’s how much power Randy Orton has; he’s untouchable. He just might be the reason why Daniel Bryan lost his championship in 18 seconds. I don’t know, but it’s a damn good guess.

Ever since that god-awful championship match, Sheamus continued to steamroll through opponents and Daniel Bryan continued to be underrated in defeat. But don’t feel too bad for Daniel Bryan, because after forming a successful tag team with Kane, the fans REALLY started to get behind him and he won three more World Titles. But here’s the thing: he didn’t win those titles by being cowardly and sneaky. He won them by being a superior wrestler to his opponents. Hell, at Wrestlemania 30, he defeated three future Hall of Famers in the same night to become the new World Champion, in what would be the most defining moment of Bryan’s career. The moral of the story: you can bury Bryan all you want, but he’s going to keep scratching and clawing until he breathes fresh oxygen once again.

Dominick Zola

Dominick Zola does not sparkle. He burns. He wraps himself in a fiery cocoon and brings entire cities to their knees with his occult powers. But why would he want to do any of that when he’s the highest ranking mafia boss in the city of Seattle? Does he not have enough machinegun-wielding vampire buddies to do his heavy lifting for him? The conundrum Mr. Zola faces now is whether he wants to burn Seattle to the ground or control its citizens for as long as he feels they’re useful. It’ll be a while before Dominick gets bored with his puppetry. He is a vampire, after all, meaning an average human will be nothing more than a speck of dirt by the time Mr. Zola is on a metal slab. Will they even have medical examiners that far in the future? Will the world still be whole by then?

This violent nut job was slated to be the main villain for a Vampire: the Masquerade RPG session between me and my good friend Heather. If that role-play would have materialized into something, Dominick Zola would be a hard villain to kill. Then again, powerful villains with god complexes shouldn’t be easy prey anyways. Look at the people who are trying to bring him to his knees: a pregnant rape victim (Heather’s character), a man-child vampire, a human detective, and a vampire nurse. This is clearly not a fair fight; Heather’s team needs more people. How many more people? Probably the same amount who conform to Dominick Zola’s beliefs on a regular basis, which is an entire crime syndicate.

Mr. Zola bears an uncanny resemblance to Bob Geldof’s character from Pink Floyd the Wall in terms of the way he influences people. Both are charismatic leaders in their own way: Dominick is a vampire warrior (and who wouldn’t want to follow a cool guy like a vampire warrior) while Pink is a rock star who fantasizes about turning his audience into Nazi skinheads. Both leaders use the crossed hammers symbol to get their message out there and they both like to use the phrase “Trust Us” as a slogan. Well, Pink doesn’t actually say that in the movie, but I have seen the slogan on Roger Waters T-shirts, as well as that same performer’s inflatable pig.

It may take an army to bring down Dominick Zola. It may take a mythical god. It may take the entire world population just to restrain him for a few seconds. No matter which way you slice it, you don’t stand a fucking chance against this warlord. There are two ways this campaign would have played out if it was allowed to continue. One way is for Heather’s pregnant character and her three friends to flee the state of Washington toward higher ground (I originally suggested Hawaii, but vampires tend to not do well in a state known for its constant sunshine). The other way would be to give the four characters enough fighting experience and build them up before the apocalyptic fight. The WWE does the same thing when they’re choosing wrestlers to compete in the main event: they give one wrestler a string of victories to make him look believable for when that championship opportunity arises.

Because the latter of the two scenarios is more likely to happen, I’m going to have to establish a new rule with Heather if I ever play with her again. From here on in, her characters are not allowed to get pregnant or get injured constantly. If her character ever does conceive, then she can’t be bummed out when a villain kicks or punches her in the stomach. As a GM, I demand action. There’s no action sitting on the sidelines. All of the action is on the frontlines and my players will find themselves right in the middle of it regardless of their characters’ condition. What’s that? You’ve got two broken legs and a concussion? Suck it up, buddy. If you’re looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. Dominick Zola isn’t going to just commit suicide for your pleasure. Either strap your boots on or burn in his destruction.

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JOURNALIST: What kind of action can we expect from you when you return?

BIG SHOW: I’m going to be picking my fucking nose, what do you think I’m going to do?