I Finally Found It: the Reason Jules from Pulp Fiction Doesn't Eat Pork

 

Mr. Rogers vs. Kai Trump: A Tall Task Ahead

 

Nate Silver vs. Donald Trump a.k.a. the REAL King of Wishful Thinking, Not Go West

 

Barack Obama: A MUCH Better President Than Donald Trump Could Dream of Being

 

Ronald Reagan: Dead For Decades, But Reaganomics Are Still Alive, Unfortunately

 

George W. Bush: a War Criminal Who's Somehow Not as Bad as Trump

 

Vladimir Putin, Chancellor of Russia

 

Bryan Danielson (AEW) vs. Nick Khan (President of WWE)

 

St. Anger for President!

 

Donald Trump's family tree

 

Twelve Days

VERSE 1

I could’ve been a rock star who sold out arenas

I could’ve been a bigger wrestler than Rock and John Cena

I could’ve been the president of the United States

I could’ve been the one to erase all the hate

Betrayal from within kept me from reaching those heights

Too many wars with my mind, lost those fights

Too many times where anxiety took over

Now this journey seems to go nowhere

CHORUS

One day of victory and twelve days of rest

But everyone keeps telling me it’s all for the best

Everyday I rot away

Dystopia is here to stay

VERSE 2

Paper lanterns with the dimmest lights of them all

Guide my way down the never-ending hall

Forgive me if I seem to stumble and fall

Or bang my fucked up head against the wall

If this trajectory sounds way too familiar

It’s because being directionless is such a killer

So many dreams of my peers are snuffed out

Now I’m the latest whose future is in doubt

CHORUS

One day of victory and twelve days of rest

But everyone keeps telling me it’s all for the best

Everyday I rot away

Dystopia is here to stay

BRIDGE

I could’ve been the hero of everyone’s story

I could’ve spread my wings, could’ve been soaring

I could’ve been the next god the world needed

But none of it’s possible when I feel defeated

CHORUS X2

One day of victory and twelve days of rest

But everyone keeps telling me it’s all for the best

Everyday I rot away

Dystopia is here to stay

"MAD About Trump" from MAD Magazine

BOOK TITLE: MAD About Trump: A Brilliant Look at Our Brainless President

AUTHOR: MAD Magazine Staff

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Magazine Compilation

SUBGENRE: Political Comedy

GRADE: Pass

If you thought Donald Trump’s thin-skinned responses towards SNL skits were childish, I’d love to see how he’d respond to MAD Magazine roasting him like a turkey in this book. I for one got a good laugh out of most of these jokes. Comparing and contrasting him to Burger King’s Cheetoh Fries seemed like the most obvious joke to make, but technically they’re not wrong, especially when they say both Trump and the cheese fries are disgusting dinner conversation topics. There’s a parody of John Lennon’s “Imagine”, a parody of The Apprentice with dead celebrities, a parody of Undercover Boss with Trump as the CEO, basically, there’s no shortage of ways to make Donald Trump look like a complete fool, though he does most of that to himself. If I had one critique from a writing standpoint, it’s that some of the jokes are repetitive and can get stale after a while. Plus, name-calling by itself isn’t necessarily a recipe for comedy. But it doesn’t matter, because whether you’re looking for laughs or you want validation for your hatred of Trump, you’ll get it in this book. Conservatives, on the other hand, would have a raging fit if they saw this, but that’s not always a lethal thing. Don’t feel ashamed for buying this book and enjoying it from cover to cover. If laughing is all you can do to keep from smashing your hotel room Pink Floyd the Wall-style, then I’m all for it. And speaking of which, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd is the only one who’s allowed to build a wall around here. A passing grade goes to this publication!

John Bush and George Kerry

Although I’m using former WWE superstars The Basham Brothers as a reference picture, I don’t want you to think John Bush and George Kerry are anything like them except for how they look. During their time in the WWE, Doug and Danny Basham were former WWE Tag Team Champions and had various gimmicks. They started out as a generic tag team and over time became bondage slaves for Shaniqua, secret service agents for John Bradshaw Layfield, and armored security guards for Paul Heyman. While the Basham Brothers don’t work for WWE anymore, they did leave something behind for the fans to remember them by.

John Bush and George Kerry are nothing like that. They are the definition of what a generic tag team should be. They come out to the ring wearing underwear-style tights and boots, they never get the chance to use a microphone, and their theme music is “Voices Inside My Head” by The Police (no disrespect to Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland). Their wrestling maneuvers include generic things like the scoop slam, the vertical suplex, the hip toss, the running clothesline, and the double axe handle off the top rope. In short, the most creative thing about John Bush and George Kerry is how they got their ring names: by swapping the names of the 2004 Presidential Election contenders John Kerry (Democrat) and George W. Bush (Republican).

You’re asking yourself why I would ever have a use for plain Jane motherfuckers like John Bush and George Kerry. Maybe it’s because they’re a manifestation of what I’m like when in public. On the internet, I have a strong presence. I post short stories, Fireball Nightmare chapters, Garrison’s Library entries, Deviant Art journals, and the occasional thread on a Good Reads group I’m a part of. Even in the real world when I’m talking with my own friends and family, I’m popping off jokes left and right and never miss a beat.

In public life, I’m anything but exciting. I keep to myself except for when I make a purchase, I never smile, I never say “Hi” to anybody, and whenever somebody tries to make conversation with me, I give them the most basic, short answer I can find. For example, when I’m getting a quarter-yearly buzz cut at Hair Masters, my barber will try to make small talk with me. She’ll ask me things like, “What do you do for a living?” and my answer is simple: “I’m unemployed”, an answer that is delivered with a blunt affect. Sometimes she’ll ask, “What are your plans for the evening?” and I’ll say, “I don’t have any.” Personally, I’m never in the mood for small talk with someone who is only friendly to me because I’m a customer and not because they’re actually interested in my boring ass life.

John Bush and George Kerry are a representation of my plain Jane traits. I often fantasize about being a manager in the WWE and having verbal spats with Stephanie McMahon and Triple H (both of which deserve the Wrestling Observer Newsletter award this year for Worst Gimmick). Unfortunately, if I tried to be as talkative in the ring as I am on the internet, I would stutter and my voice power would be minimal. That’s why I hated giving presentations in college and high school: I fumble over my words too easily and the teacher penalizes me for basically being a hardcore introvert. But if John Bush and George Kerry are going to rage against the machine and tell everybody they’re full of shit, they’ll cease to become boring in the eyes of the public. Maybe they’ll get better names and better gimmicks as a result of that. Who knows?

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JBL: You’d be in a bad mood if you won the lottery!

MICHAEL COLE: I did win the lottery and I only got two dollars!