Are you actually surprised that yet another Carl Hiaasen book has made its way onto my blog? Unlike a death row inmate in Texas, you won’t be shocked. “Tourist Season” is another example of what a quick and witty writing style can accomplish. This book was written in the mid-80’s, when Mr. Hiaasen was budding as an author of environmental thrillers. Now he’s got an entire sprawl of them written all the way up to the present day. This one in particular deals with a private investigator named Brian Keyes, who unravels a terrorist plot to murder tourists in Florida in order to bring the state back to its “former glory”. Among these whack-a-loons include a 300 lb. black football player, a Cuban bomb maker who sucks at making bombs, a Native American recluse, and of course, the biggest nut job in the entire group, a former newspaper columnist named Skip Wiley. Before being discovered by Brian Keyes as a rightwing terrorist, he knew Skip as an eccentric and hateful writer who in his columns actually wished that a hurricane would come through Florida. He also had a theme in his writing called the “Asshole Quotient”, which was later dumbed down as the “Idiot Quotient”, where certain cities in Florida were rated by the number of tourists that “ruined everything”. As you can expect from this giggly cast of characters, there are a lot of high-spirited, silly moments in this book. Then again, there are also extremely dark moments, particularly when Brian is told that if he reveals the names of the terror cell members, the violence in Florida will get worse. How can it possibly get any fucking worse, you probably ask yourself. Carl Hiaasen’s blend of darkness and humor will keep that imagination of yours going for a long time. Your guess is as good as any first-time reader’s. And when the pieces of this mystery come together for you, you’re going to say to yourself, “Carl Hiaasen has done it again”. Then again, I don’t remember a time when Mr. Hiaasen doesn’t get the job done. I trust him so much that when he recommended “Swamplandia” to whoever would listen, I naturally bought a copy off of Amazon and it’s currently in my queue. Thanks, Mr. Hiaasen, for yet another instant classic!
***TWEET OF THE DAY***
“Another casualty of global warming: as the poles melt, most would rather not see Santa in a bathing suit.”
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson-
“Marine biologist Chaz Perrone can’t tell a seahorse from a sawhorse.” No kidding! This goofball slash scumbag tried to murder his wife by tossing her overboard during a cruise. So what did she do? Using her athletic talents, she swam over to a bail of Jamaican weed and wound up on a deserted island inhabited by an ex-cop who’s more than happy to help her attain vengeance. But how will Joey Perrone get revenge? Will she shoot Chaz in the skull? Nah, too brutal. Will she kick him in the testicles? Nah, that’s even worse. What could be more American than gunfire and nut shots? Blackmail, of course! Chaz has no idea that his wife Joey survived, but he doesn’t need to know that. He just has to worry his pretty little head off not only about murder charges, but also about falsifying data when doing work in the Florida Everglades. Throughout the entire book, you get the impression that Chaz Perrone is a huge sleaze ball. And then you think to yourself, “Gee, I’d really like to see something bad happen to this scumbag.” The entire book is just one big revenge plot designed to make Chaz shit in his overalls and have the diarrhea splatter ooze down into his already mud-soaked bog boots. What could possibly be more satisfying than that? And since Carl Hiaasen’s characters are always goofy and silly, you don’t have to worry about things getting too dark or brutal. Yes, Chaz Perrone is a heartless bastard, but you wouldn’t wish water boarding on him. Pants-pissing blackmail? That you can wish for and expect the genie to be generous about granting that wish. Goofball adult comedy is pretty much what you can expect from all of Carl Hiaasen’s books, alongside the not-so-subtle environmental messages he imprints in each novel. Despite knowing everything there is to know about him, you never feel like stopping at just one book. Mr. Hiaasen is extremely prolific and his books definitely do NOT blend together. Each one is an exciting thrill ride that will leave your gut busted and your ribs aching. “Skinny Dip” is no different in that respect.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“When it comes to rights, either one of two things is true. Either we have unlimited rights or no rights at all. Personally, I’m leaning toward unlimited rights. I believe for instance that I have the right to do and say whatever the fuck I please. And if I say something that pisses you off, you have the right to kill me. Where are you going to find a fucking better deal than that? The next time some asshole says to you, ‘I have the right to my opinion!’ say to them, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is, you have no right to your opinion!’ Then shoot the motherfucker and walk away!”
-George Carlin-
Close your eyes and picture the following scene. You’re eating dinner with your family and everything seems peaceful. And then all of the sudden, like a tuba blast to the ears, the phone rings and it’s an annoying and obnoxious telemarketer trying to sell you shit you don’t need. Now picture that the person answering the phone as a crazy woman who hasn’t been on her meds in a long while and is capable of the worst kind of erratic behavior imaginable. Then picture the telemarketer as a vulgar hack with the charisma and personality of an orange peel. Put all of these images together and you’ve got the makings of a Carl Hiaasen gem known as “Nature Girl”. But wait, there’s more to it than a crazy lady trying to get revenge on a clown of a telemarketer. You’ve also got the near-fingerless ex-husband of said crazy lady who wants to kidnap her as a slave to his disgusting perversions. And you’ve got an Indian who just wants some peace and quiet out in the Florida Everglades. And a drunk and horny college chick who won’t leave said Indian alone. With so many angles to keep track of, you’d have to wonder how an author doesn’t drive himself insane trying to mesh them together in a creative and entertaining way. Not Carl Hiaasen. For him, crazy plotlines and humorous detective work are all in a day’s work. He alone has perfected a genre of literature known as the “environmental thriller”. In short, someone out there is trying to screw with mother nature and whoever does it gets what they so dearly deserve in the end. With this kind of wit and knowledge on his side, Carl Hiaasen should do a book on BP and the cluster-fuck they’ve caused in the Gulf Coast. I bet he’d have a field day with those corporate thugs! Or a heart attack, depending on how bad it really is out there. With these environmental thrillers, including Nature Girl, Carl Hiaasen not only entertains, he also raises awareness of all the harmful things happening in his home state of Florida. Oh, and did I mention that he’s also known for writing at a breakneck pace? You’ll probably blow through “Nature Girl” in record time because he doesn’t mess around…aside from when he’s peppering his books with reasons to LOL on your Face Book page. If you need an influential author to cling to, make it Carl Hiaasen. He’ll never let you down.
***PSEUDO-TWEET OF THE DAY***
Why is it that whenever a pundit says something offensive on the air, someone from the opposing side wants to have lunch with him? Judging from all the nasty things I’ve said about Tea Partiers over the years, I’d better keep the knives off the table.
