***YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BOOK TAG***
The only reason why I know this tag exists is because Lily C
Reads did a You Tube video of it two years ago. It looked like a shit ton of
fun and Lily is a funny motherfucker in this video, so I figured I should do this
tag too. The rules are simple: create a roster of thirty book characters of
your choosing and randomly choose two of them to answer each of the fifteen
questions. Are you ready? I know I am!
1. You only have one more spot on your Spelling Bee team, who
would you pick to complete your team?
Options: Rick Hunter (Robotech) or Charlie (The Perks of
Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)
Choice: Two guys who can’t figure out their love lives, but
only one of them takes an interest in writing and literature. This one’s easy:
Charlie. Although, I might change my mind if one of the words is Zentradae
(even I don’t know how to spell that).
2. Both characters want to kill you, which one would you
kill first so you have a better chance of surviving?
Options: Julie (Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion) or Deckard Cain
(Diablo series)
Choice: Julie is a tried and true survivalist and Deckard
Cain is an old man with bad joints. Hmm…which one is the greater threat to me?
Sorry, Julie, but you’re taking the dirt nap tonight. My dead cat Smokey is a
bigger threat to me than Deckard Cain ever will be.
3. You’re on the bachelor/bachelorette and you’re down to
these two characters, which one are you going to give your rose too?
Options: Ava Bigtree (Swamplandia by Karen Russell) or The
Woman (The Woman by Jack Ketchum)
Choice: So basically, you’re asking me to choose between
statutory rape and the possibility of getting my guts ripped out. Sorry,
ladies, you two are on your own. I’d rather be forced to choose between death and
unga-bunga (only to get killed via unga-bunga).
4. You’ve been chosen for the Hunger Games, who would most
likely volunteer in your place?
Options: Skink (Carl Hiaasen’s books) or Batman
Choice: This one’s a tough call since they’re both certified
badasses and can rip an opponent to shreds within seconds. Ultimately, I’ll
have to go with Skink since he’s used to survivalist scenarios, ergo why he
lives out in the woods in Florida
5. You’re stranded on an island. Which character would you
sacrifice to engage in cannibalism?
Options: Abby Abernathy (Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire)
or Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey)
Choice: The sexual overtones in this question and its
choices are more obvious than a boner on the subway. But since Christian Grey
has more muscle on his body, his sacrifice will last longer, so I’m going to
choose him. Plus, he’s a grade A douche, so nobody will miss him.
6. You’re the next DC/Marvel superhero (with your own tv
show of course), who is your sidekick?
Options: Anastasia Steele (Fifty Shades of Grey) or Peeta
Mellark (The Hunger Games)
Choice: This one’s a no-brainer if I ever saw one. I’m going
with Peeta the ass-kicking machine. If I went with Anastasia, it’s basically giving
my opponents a license to shoot me. I think I’d rather be tortured by a
supervillain than listen to Ana’s whining throughout our demise.
7. You’re a manager of an Avocado admiring company, who
would you fire for lack of communication skills?
Options: Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat) or Tulip O’Haire
(Preacher)
Choice: I’m being asked to choose between two badass women
who would cut me from asshole to appetite if I crossed them. But as far as
communication skills go, I’d cut Sonya from the team since Tulip has a way with
raunchy dialogue. I need all the swear words I can muster up if I’m going to
admire avocado.
8. You’ve just finished a book in which your favorite
character dies, which character is most likely to comfort you?
Options: Margo Roth Spiegelman (Paper Towns by John Green)
or Kick-Ass
Choice: Kick-Ass would probably tell me to suck it up and be
a man, so he’d be of no help. The only way I could justify choosing Margo is if
I can fucking find her, wherever she is. She kind of has a knack for making
herself scarce when her friends need her the most. And even if you do find
her…ugh…
9. Ugh, it’s high school. Who would most likely be part of
the popular clique?
Options: Marlon Bundo (John Oliver and Jill Twiss’s version
of A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo) or Twilight Lady (Watchmen)
Choice: Hmm…a gay rabbit or a seductive female pimp? Well,
since popular cliques in high school tend to be more shallow minded, I’m giving
the nod to Twilight Lady since she can hook up the horny teenagers with sex and
fun. I’d actually fear for Marlon Bundo’s safety since popular kids love to
bully LGBT students.
10. The day has arrived; you’re finally a year older! Who
would have the nerve to forget your birthday?
Options: Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs) or Scorpion
(Mortal Kombat)
Choice: Scorpion doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anybody’s
birthdays since he’s too busy breathing fire on his opponents and sticking
harpoons through their chests. I’m giving him the nod, obviously. At least with
Clarice Starling, it’s forgivable if she forgets your birthday because she’s
always busy catching criminals. Being a detective is stressful work.
11. You’ve just found an upcoming booktube star? Who would
most likely be?
Options: Cherry Pye (Star Island
Choice: I’m not sure Cherry Pye even knows how to fucking
read. She’s a dumbass pop star with a shallow point of view and no talent, so
she doesn’t have much of a chance. Tobias, on the other hand, is a little more
scholarly since he has a background as an artist. Plus, he’d be a hit with the
female You Tube audience.
12. Sleepover time! Unfortunately you can only invite one
person, who would you invite?
Options: Alex De Large (A Clockwork Orange
Choice: So you’re asking me to sleep with either a serial
rapist or a young child. No matter what I choose, somebody’s going to jail
whether it’s me or Alex. I’m calling this one a draw so that I can spare myself
the embarrassment.
13. Bam, you’re pregnant. Who’s the father/mother?
Options: Lisa Hayes (Robotech) or Rorschach (Watchmen)
Choice: If you give a child to Rorschach, you might as well
schedule an abortion right now. He might not like that very much since he’s a
rightwing nut job and a violent lunatic, but he’ll have to get over it. Lisa
Hayes, on the other hand, is gentle enough to be a fitting mother. I think she
might have actually had children with Rick Hunter in the Robotech canon, but
I’m not sure.
14. You’ve just written a super important text. Who would
‘see’ it, but not reply?
Options: Yum Yum (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who book) or Sneaky
Pie Brown (Rita Mae Brown’s books)
Choice: Both characters are cats, so it all boils down to
who the bigger diva is and even then it’s a tough decision. This one’s another
draw since they’d be too distracted by laser pens.
15. You’ve just woken up and it’s time for breakfast. Your
mum’s been replaced by who?!
Options: Koko (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who books) or Sean
King (David Baldacci’s King & Maxwell series)
Choice: Let’s see here? Who would make a better breakfast
for me: a fucking cat or a human being with actual cooking skills? If I chose
Koko, I’d probably have a dead bird or mouse served on a plate for me. With
Sean King, I’d get eggs and bacon no problem. Let’s see…this is a tough one…
And just like that it’s over. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when
you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
(RE: Rachel Oates video)
JAMES: I’m telling Mom you’re watching a piss fetish video.
GARRISON: That’s not what it is! She’s debunking urine
therapy!
JAMES: Then how come you closed it after I came in here?
GARRISON: Because I can’t watch it as long as you’re using my
computer.
JAMES: You can still leave it open. What, are you watching
porn?
GARRISON: That’s not what it is!
JAMES: Uh-huh. Sure! After I’m done printing my homework,
you can keep watching your piss fetish video.
GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!
