Problematic Authors

(sigh)…I need some advice from internet land. What I don’t need is to be called a “woke snowflake” and anybody who says something to that effect will be permanently booted from my immediate vicinity. I have two whole bookcases full of unread books and some of those books were written by authors of…questionable character. Do I read those books anyways? Do I mercilessly roast the authors who wrote them when I do my online reviews? Do I sell the books online or donate them to either a library or a thrift store? In case you’re wondering which books I’m talking about, here’s a brief list of what I’ve got:

1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken

2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews

3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor

4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith

5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling

6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins

7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling

8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess

9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken

Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.

2017 In Review

***WRITING***

Earlier this year, I published a collection of fifty micro-stories in the sci-fi, fantasy, and horror genres called Poison Tongue Tales. If it wasn’t for my awesome beta reader Marie Krepps, this publication wouldn’t be possible. I know I brag about her a lot, but that’s just an illustration of how wonderful of a friend she is to me. Pointing out weaknesses and possible solutions in my stories while maintaining a silver-tongued sense of humor is a valuable skill to have. It makes the editing process virtually painless when you’re dealing with someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing. So far Poison Tongue Tales is sitting pretty at a three-star out of five rating on Good Reads and Amazon. Then again, it has only been reviewed once, so I’ve got a lot of marketing ahead of me.

Whenever I’m not standing on a street corner and shouting about my book like a madman (is that how marketing is done?), I’m usually pumping out more first drafts. In 2017 alone, I’ve written micro-stories for American Darkness 2 (contemporary) and Poison Tongue Tales 2 (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror), poetry and songs for Lunatic Justice (a future publication that’s currently being beta-read by Marie), and a psychological heavy metal fantasy novella called Demon Axe. While trying to come up with the next novel idea, I’m currently pumping out more stories for what will be American Darkness 3.

I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the writing business so much that I want to build my entire life around it. It may not be the most profitable venture I’ve ever embarked on, but who gives a shit? I could have just as easily obtained an engineering degree, but I’d be bored to tears at whatever job I got with it. The writing business doesn’t owe me anything. I owe the writing business everything.

***MUSIC CONCERTS***

Another thing I’m grateful for is the fact that I’ve seen five music concerts in 2017. It all began with Roger Waters at the Tacoma Dome during my birth month of June. The special effects, the poignant music, and of course, those creepy ass putty face masks, they made Roger Waters’ performance a special one. It was my fourth time seeing him live and this was easily my favorite performance of his. Just over a week later, I got to see the Pink Floyd tribute band Brit Floyd and they’re every bit as satisfying as the real deal. That’s a lot of Floyd in just a short time span. Then again, as long as someone is singing “We don’t need no education!” in my ear, I’m a happy motherfucker.

The other three concerts I went to in 2017 were spaced throughout the month of August. First on the list was Green Day at the White River Amphitheater. The second was Metallica at Century Link Field. And the third was Incubus, also at the White River Amphitheater. All three of these bands along with the openers brought their fucking A-games. I’ve never been prouder to be a metal head than in August 2017. Onstage antics, badass music, special effect gimmicks, and the sense of siblinghood I felt with the people sitting next to me at all three shows, they were worth the long rides home.

In 2018, I’ve scheduled myself for even more shows: Pop Evil and Starset in February (separate shows) and Papa Roach and Soulfly in May (also separate shows). And of course, every year at the White River Amphitheater, there’s the obligatory Pain in the Grass festival with an ass-load of bands (tickets aren’t available yet, but I’m fixing to snatch one up once the musicians are announced).

***COMEDY SHOWS***

This year has also seen a great deal of hee-haws and belly laughter, compliments of guys like Garrison Keillor, Brian Regan, Jason Mewes, and the cast of Capitol Steps. I know how bleak Garrison Keillor’s performance looks in hindsight considering he was exposed as a sexual predator in the #MeToo movement, but I went to see him long before the allegations surfaced, so I was able to enjoy a night of poetry and giggles with him.Brian Regan has been a favorite of my biological dad and brother James for a long time now. Going to see him was like a pilgrimage for them and I tagged along to get a few laughs in too. And then there was Jason Mewes’ Q&A session, where my James Bond-esque laugh got a huge pop from the crowd in attendance as well as Mr. Mewes himself. I got to meet Jason Mewes after the show and he couldn’t have been more cordial and fun to be around. To close out the giggle factory, there’s Capitol Steps, an ensemble cast of political figure impersonators who made the Donald Trump circus in 2017 bearable and laughable at the same time. In 2018, I’m planning on taking my mom with me to see Trevor Noah and Bill Maher (again, on separate shows), but I haven’t purchased the tickets yet.

***VACATIONS***

Sitting on airplanes or in cars during long trips can be summed up with the phrase “six hours of ass torture”. The vacations themselves, however, were worth the sore asses. The first vacation of 2017 was a Mexican cruise book-ended with a few days in California. I got to pet a manta ray, snuggle with a sea lion, ride a banana boat, and get my picture taken with Spiderman. The trip to Seaside, Oregon shortly after was a little more low-key with window shopping and beach strolling, but I like low-key all the same. And then I spent some time in New Orleans, where I ate pralines (and other delicious meals), bought Legos, got a table massage, and ventured onto a plantation to learn about the horrors of black slavery. Mom’s going to try and get a job as a teacher again so that we have extra income to go on more of these wonderful trips.

***CONCLUSION***

The more grateful you are for the positives in your life, the more positives you’ll have in the first place. This sounds ironic coming from a guy like me who has a permanent resting bitch face, but on the inside, I’m feeling the gratitude, which can only be described as warm and fuzzy. The year 2018 will bring good things as well if you want it to. Even if it’s something as simple as a back massage or a meal at Red Lobster, don’t take it for granted. Life is too short for constant complaining and drama. Be good to yourself in 2018. Don’t let this year of silver linings pass you by. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***AMERICAN DARKNESS 3***

If there are two things American Darkness 3 is in no short supply of, it’s women named Vikki and women who are bound and gagged. “Duct Tape Princess” will bring you the best of both of those worlds. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Vikki Colt, Lounge Singer

2.      Nadia Rinehart, Street Fighter

3.      Johnny Rinehart, Nadia’s Gangster Husband

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: After putting on a seductive performance at a gangster bar, Vikki gets a visit in her apartment from a furious Nadia, who is convinced that Vikki was flirting with Johnny while onstage. Nadia has the fighting abilities to pummel anybody into powder, but instead she ties and gags Vikki with duct tape and holds her hostage in the apartment. The sexy songstress begins to think twice about choosing shady venues.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Up next on the chopping block is Antonio Fujiwara, a giant ninja from a future Poison Tongue Tales 3 story called “A Bastard Sword in a Haystack”. Yes, you heard that right: a giant fucking ninja is attempting to blend in. He sticks out like a hard-on at the chalkboard, but that won’t stop him from at least attempting to find refuge in the dark forest, which happens to be full of tall trees.

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call it when a fireman and a paramedic blow each other at the same time?

A: 69-1-1.

Illness

***ILLNESS***

The Mexican cruise and the Californian trip was without a doubt the most fun I’ve had in a while with the major highlight being the sea lion and stingray encounters in Puerto Vallarta. Coming home from this lengthy vacation was supposed to be a nonstop relaxation fest where I snuggled with kitties and slept soundly in my own bed. But last Wednesday was anything but relaxing. I got some writing done that day, so that was worth celebrating. It was the boiling hot fever I got at the end of the night that set the tone for the rest of the week. And thus begins the very boring blog topic of…(yawn)…physical illness. Grab a pillow. It’s going to be a long one.

The night I had the fever, I also vomited in the toilet several times and had loose diarrhea. My sickness got so bad that I elected not to use my CPAP for fear that I might puke in it in my sleep. My breath was also so hot that it made the mask uncomfortable. I spent most of that night drinking Sparkling Ices and staying awake in my computer and reading chairs. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well that night and it would get worse over the next two days.

More vomiting ensued, so much so that my ribs were sore afterwards. Every time I would cough or sneeze, my rib pain would flare up. I was practically begging my mom to take me to the chiropractor after my sickness was over. Because I had more loose diarrhea and vomiting, instead of a chiropractor, I spent Friday night in the hospital. I had to be rehydrated with four pounds of water, but I probably lost even more than that throughout the sickness. What a hell of a way to lose weight.

During my stay in the hospital, I had a CAT scan to make sure I didn’t have appendicitis (I had gut pains on the right side of my body). I was greatly relieved when I tested negative, so chances are this whole sickness of mine was due to a virus going around or potentially food poisoning. The bug made more sense because my brother James and step-dad Dale got sick as well. My mom was already dealing with a bout of whooping cough once we got off the cruise ship. This whole week has just been one big barfaroni fest for all of us.

As a result of our collective sicknesses, my family has a shit ton of Gatorade and Campbell’s soup stocked up around the house. I didn’t start eating solid foods until just a few days ago. I’m doing much better today than I was a week ago. In fact, I might even go for a walk to the convenience store later today. It used to be that I was too weak and lazy to do basic chores like clean the litter box or take out the garbage. While I’m still sneezing and coughing like crazy, a sense of normalcy has been restored to the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household. Normal is good.

I can only hope that we’re all feeling well enough to see Garrison Keillor perform tomorrow night in Tacoma. We need him now more than ever in this Trump-ruled country. It’s going to be me, mom, Dale, and my therapist Rachel tagging along to see Mr. Keillor do his monologues. I hope it’s a wonderful performance! We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 19***

In the interest of head-hopping fun (because that’s totally acceptable in literature), this chapter is going to focus on a confrontation between King Arthur Triscloud and Roger Zee. Arthur is bound to a crucifix atop a holy mountain with Roger Zee lecturing him the entire time. The two of them have a conversation about Roger’s motives and wondering just what the hell has gotten into him. It is during this conversation that Arthur reveals that he has some “special friends” coming for him and that Roger should heed his warning. The zealot laughs it off like it’s standup comedy, but is that a wise approach to such a stern threat?

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MICHAEL: At least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.

SAMIR: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.

MICHAEL: There WAS nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammies.

SAMIR: Why don’t you go by Mike instead of Michael?

MICHAEL: No way! Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.

-Office Space-

Upcoming Concerts

***UPCOMING CONCERTS***

I had second thoughts about posting this blog entry because I didn’t want it to seem like I was arrogantly bragging. The only reason I’m posting it is because another week has gone by and I’m out of topics to discuss. So I figured, why not tell you all about upcoming concerts I’m attending? Heavy metal and rock music in general has always been a source of creative fuel for me. My current WIP novel Demon Axe uses such grinding music as its central theme. Consider these concerts to be further research (and in some cases personal therapy).

The first concert I plan on attending is not musical at all. It’s Garrison Keillor doing monologues. And before you ask, no, I wasn’t thinking of him when I chose my penname Garrison Kelly. Yes, I know the two names sound similar, but it’s just a coincidence. Besides, my first name really is Garrison, so…yeah. I’ve been a fan of Mr. Keillor since listening to Christmas-themed tapes of his in the late 90’s. His sound effects rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” was very inspiring to my Lego adventures for some reason. I’ve always associated the horn noises with Tony Twister (Time Twisters) and bird squawking with pirate parrots. Now that I’m all grown up and we’re in a fierce political climate, we need Mr. Keillor now more than ever.

On June 24^th at the Tacoma Dome, Roger Waters is putting on a show with both new material and old songs. He’s putting out a solo album this year called “Is This What We Really Want?” and I can’t wait to snatch it up. Roger was a huge inspiration to me during his time with Pink Floyd. He was always standing up for the underdogs of society, which included students in mean-spirited schools (“we don’t need no education”). He has the wisdom of a sage and he knows it.

Speaking of Pink Floyd-related concerts, on July 1^st in Seattle, a tribute band called Brit Floyd is going to play at the Paramount Theater. I like the idea of tribute bands because the real thing isn’t going to be around forever. If it’s already gone, where are we to get our fix? Brit Floyd, that’s who. I’ve seen The Pink Floyd Experience back in 2014 in Bremerton. Awkward date aside, it lived up to the hype, so I expect Brit Floyd to do the same.

On August 1^st at the always lovely White River Amphitheater, Green Day is playing a concert with Catfish and the Bottlemen as the opening act. I have no idea who Catfish and the Bottlemen are, but this is a good chance for them to earn my respect. This will be the third time in my life I’ve seen a Green Day show. They always have an audience member come onstage and play instruments with them, to which I’m always nervous that the crowd member will fuck up and make things awkward. Nevertheless, I’m excited to see them for the third time.

And finally, later in August, Incubus is also playing at the White River Amphitheater, but with Jimmy Eat World as their opening act. Like Green Day, this will be my third time at an Incubus show. When last I saw them, they opened for Linkin Park at the Tacoma Dome in 2012, where my brother James and I reunited with a childhood friend named Sean. I know Incubus will be just as awesome in 2017.

In addition to these concerts, there was another one I was considering going to, but opted out of it. Metallica (along with Avenged Sevenfold and Gojira) is going to play at Century Link Field in Seattle in August. This is a metal head’s wet dream come true. And then I saw the ticket prices and considered my parents’ recovery time between Green Day and Incubus (since they’ll be the ones driving). As much as I’d love to worship at the altar of James Hetfield, I just can’t do it this year. But even so, that’s still five concerts I’m attending this year and I’m grateful for all of them.

That’s what you really have to remember as you have these wonderful life experiences: be grateful for all of them. The more grateful you are, the more you attract things to be grateful for. It’s not just a bunch of new age mumbo-jumbo; it’s the truth. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***BENEVOLENT SLAYERS***

Marie Krepps is at it again with her twisted creativity. Since she’s been one stream of never-ending awsomeness when it comes to beta-reading Poison Tongue Tales, I’m going to be the same thing for her when it comes to beta-reading Benevolent Slayers, a fantasy novel she kept on the shelf for a whole decade before deciding to dust it off and try again. She’s quite the prolific author and I’m jelly of her longevity. I’m also peanut butter. Hehe!

***POISON TONGUE TALES***

And now that we’re on the topic of beta-reading and editing, if you follow me on Deviant Art, you would have noticed three short stories in your inbox. Those are all Poison Tongue Tales entries and there will be three more tomorrow, three more the next day, and three more after that. In the case of tomorrow, you can look forward to polished versions of “Demon Hunter”, “Descent”, and “Deus Ex Machina” (holy shit, that’s a lot of D’s!). I’ve put Poison Tongue Tales off for far too long and it’s only fair that I keep up my end of the bargain for Marie-Pie. When I eventually publish this sci-fi, fantasy, and horror collection, it will be my fifth book overall (if you don’t count the three now inactive books on my Good Reads page). Wish me luck!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 16***

It has come to my attention that there aren’t a whole lot of fast-paced action sequences in this novel. That makes me sad. So to make up for that, chapter sixteen is going to involve a battle between the elf kingdom and the corrupt Paulson City police, which is of course led by the always spiteful Roger Zee. Keeping track of this many warriors is always a challenge for me, but it’s one I accept. There’s also going to be a special focus on Raven and Arthur Triscloud vs. Roger Zee. It’s clearly not a fair fight; the Triscloud family needs more soldiers.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Speaking of ass-kicking sons of bitches, Scott Percival is next on the chopping block. He was the main hero of the short story “Shield Me”, where he had to protect his prostitute girlfriend from a vicious madame named Carla Madder. The story itself is more than just a bloody battle; it’s a question of forgiveness. Can Scott stay by his girlfriend after knowing what she did for a living while he was off at war? The simple answer would be yes considering the story’s economy, but things aren’t always as simple as they seem.

And since Scott Percival is modeled after WWE wrestler Roman Reigns:

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“All you dudes out there who’re saying I can’t wrestle, calm down, relax, take a sip of your beers, and shut your mouths.”

-Roman Reigns to an abusive WWE audience-