Yvette the Maid Is Here to Bring You Sex Positivity

 

Makynlee Cova: Glass Ceiling Destroyer

 

If Nate Diaz can flex his biceps while he has a dude in a triangle choke, Makynlee Cova can pose while she's choking her own opponent. Girls and women don't have to be proper and pretty all the time. Men and boys can be vulnerable and soft. Fuck gender roles.

Keiva Lark X Dan Schneider: Putting Their Best Foot Forward

 

The Chehalis Video Store Incident

 A few years ago, I got rid of my VHS copy of Pink Floyd the Wall in a bout of spring cleaning. It’s currently sitting in a thrift shop somewhere waiting to be bought if it hasn’t already been. If you asked me about this back in the mid-90’s, I wouldn’t have thought that the movie would end up being one of my favorites of all time. Never mind the fact that I was a pre-teen in the mid-90’s and The Wall is an R-rated movie (for good reason). Then again, I never cared about age limits and neither did my parents. But this isn’t a story about being too young to watch an R-rated movie, no, no, no. After all, there are certain movies that disturb the shit out of the audience regardless of how old they are, examples of which include The Human Centipede, Hostel, Saw, and of course, Pink Floyd the Wall.

Papier-mâché masks with two holes for the eyes and one hole for the mouth. If you were a character from The Wall and you wore one of these, it meant you lost your individuality and were successfully bent to the will of your corporate masters. It also meant you were going to eventually be ground into hamburger meat so that you’ll look even LESS distinguishable from your conformist peers. The masks alone could make you question your love for cheese. The hamburger scene will make you into a permanent vegetarian. And that’s just one music video! The Union Jack morphing into a bloody cross will make you question what kind of sauce is covering your meatball sub. A crudely-drawn monster morphing into a literal and figurative giant asshole? If that happened in 2020, the toilet paper would be gone long before the pandemic.

But long before the movie even starts, your formerly untainted eyes will feast upon the artwork on the cover: a screaming face with an excessively wide mouth, a bloody chin, a bloody shoulder, hideous dental work, and a blue background that will make you question your need to ever drink water again. I dare you to find this artwork and give it a big old smooch. Go on! I dare you! Chicken! Wait a minute…did I say chicken? Was I being a hypocrite just now? I would have been if it was the mid-90’s. Pink Floyd the Wall and its artwork terrified the shit out of me during that time. My limbs would shake. The color would drain from my face. My blood would go cold at the mere suggestion of watching that movie. One time my leg shook while I was resting my foot on the bed and tying my shoe.

Every time my mom and dad took me and my brother to Sight and Sound Video Store in Chehalis, Washington, there was always the looming threat of somebody wanting to rent Pink Floyd the Wall and subjecting me to the horrors within. But why would I want to admit to being scared of it when Pink Floyd was one of my favorite bands at the time? Sure, I grew up in a progressive family, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel at least some obligation to hide my fear from those around me. Besides, my family wasn’t the only influence in my life. My classmates at Chehalis Middle School would have caught wind of it if I let the cat out of the bag. My family is progressive, Chehalis is not. Macho conservatism was the norm in this god forsaken town. Any weakness on display was mocked and ridiculed until the end of time, giving way for even more weaknesses to be revealed by proxy.

One day at Sight and Sound, the secret came within razor-thin closeness of being out. It didn’t help matters that on the back wall of the video store, there was a big fucking Pink Floyd the Wall poster with that disgusting, hideous face looking down upon everybody who dared enter the store. I kept my head tucked low and hurried to the kids section where my eyes could be averted. What would I rent that wasn’t the world’s scariest rock opera? The Three Stooges? Donald Duck? Mickey Mouse? Dick Tracy? Before I could make my official decision, my parents come up to me and tell me that Sight and Sound is selling CD’s and T-shirts in the back of the store, which was in direct eye-contact with the vomit-inducing face.

My mother read my emotions like a book despite my best efforts to hide them. The color draining from my face, the sad expression, the dewy eyes, the beating cold sweat, they all prompted my mom to finally ask…“What’s wrong?” This was my opportunity to bear my soul and to “break down the walls” so to speak. This was the friendlier version of Gerald Scarfe’s judge telling me to expose my feelings to the world. But instead, the conversation went like this:

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You look sad.”

“I’m fine.”

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

“I’M FINE!”

The conversation kept going on and on with “I’m fine” and “what’s wrong?” responses until I reluctantly agreed to go with dad to the back of the store to check out their CD’s and T-shirts. I stared that Pink Floyd poster right in the face and was ready to melt into a puddle…until I didn’t. The nasty-looking face no longer had control over me. But why? Why the sudden loss of fear? Was I exposed to it so many times that it became meaningless? Was this truly the Law of Diminishing Returns? Whatever it was, I looked at Pink Floyd CD’s and T-shirts with Dad regardless. Surprise, surprise, my dad wanted a T-shirt with the screaming face on it and it still didn’t melt me like a snowflake. Would I eventually feel this kind of courage towards the putty-faced masks in the actual movie? I wasn’t about to press my luck, so we didn’t rent it.

I thought that would have been the end of that. We’d get our movies, CD’s, and T-shirts and then get the fuck out of there. But then the four of us ate at a Chinese restaurant across the street from Sight and Sound. It’s amazing that I still had an appetite for Chinese food considering everything I just went through. We were sipping on our drinks waiting for the food to arrive when my mom asked…

“What happened to you in the video store?”

“Nothing.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

“You were walking with your head down when we went into the store. Was somebody picking on you?”

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“NOTHING IS WRONG! I’M FINE!”

She seemed intent on asking me over and over again until I spilled the beans. At this point it wasn’t a mother asking about the welfare of her son. It felt more like an interrogation. We even had the hot lamp above our table to complete the effect. But I kept on denying that anything was wrong until the conversation ran its course. She even shushed me when I got too loud, but I stood my ground. “Nothing is wrong! I’m fine! I’m not sad! Nobody was picking on me!”

In a town full of gun control opponents, I dodged the biggest bullet of them all. But what would have happened if I admitted to being afraid of Pink Floyd the Wall and its movie artwork? Would I have been forbidden from going to see Roger Waters in 2000? Would I have been labeled a wuss by everyone around me? Would the bullying I experienced in my freshman year of high school have been worse than it already was? The latter might have been true since I solved all of my disputes at the time with violence and screaming. Wusses and violence don’t exactly go hand-in-hand, after all.

But an even bigger consequence to admitting my crippling fear was that Pink Floyd the Wall wouldn’t go on to become my favorite movie of all time. I wouldn’t have received that message of protecting my individuality at all costs. I would have blindly believed anybody who told me my creativity was no good. I would have stumbled into mediocrity and not given two shits about it. Think of all the TV shows, movies, and books I would have missed out on if I admitted to being afraid all the time and allowed authority figures and bullies to tell me how to think. I might not even have a writing career if that was the case. I could have received the “be yourself” message from any piece of media, but where else was I going to get it from that had “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” playing in the background? The music spoke to me and so did the movie.

I’m not saying that everyone should keep their fears a secret all the time. That’s just what I did and I may have done some serious damage to my psyche by doing that. Not admitting fear is the same as not admitting other things in life such as being bullied, being abused, being mentally ill, being in pain, or god knows what else. Silence is your worst enemy in a world where everyone wants to tell you what to believe and how to think. If you don’t think for yourself, there are plenty of Hitlers out there who are willing to tell you what life is all about. If you don’t stand up for what you believe, there are plenty of drunken spouses out there who will beat it into your brain, literally and figuratively. Stand for something…or you’ll fall for anything…right into a sausage grinder!

"Tales of Mentara: The Portal" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Tales of Mentara: The Portal

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Fantasy Adventure

GRADE: Pass

A group of middle school friends find themselves trapped on a strange new planet when the sorcerer of the team, Charlotte, accidentally opens a portal to the other realm. Learning to adapt to this new environment proves tough when homesickness, uncooperative allies, and the distrust of an indigenous tribe threaten their chances of survival. With the threat of another group of invading warriors looming, Charlotte and her friends have to act fast if they want to live to tell their amazing story. They’re only kids, but everybody grows up eventually, even if it is a rapid ascent into maturity.

The first thing I want to applaud Ms. Uzzell on is her ability to promote five different main characters without any of them getting lost in the shuffle. This novel is relatively short, so she doesn’t have a large canvas to work with, which is what makes these characters’ developments all the more amazing. Charlotte and Lena are the motherly figures of the group while Daniel and Mindy are the innocent children and Fred is the rough and tough bad boy (but only on the outside). The more you delve into this story, the more you realize that they are just kids after all and they have their moments of raw emotions and soft feelings. That’s what makes this story real to me.

It’s also refreshing to hear parts of this story told through the points of view of the indigenous tribe. Despite the language barrier and primitive lifestyle, they actually have a lot in common with the “pale-skinned” main characters. They too are just kids who want to live a normal life after the stresses of this new world break them down. This goes to show that no matter where you are in the universe, you’ll always have someone to empathize with. The more empathy you have for your fellow humans, the less likely you are to hate them. This novel could be an allegory for racial harmony if you read between the lines.

And then you have the most heartbreaking part of this story, the homesickness the lead characters feel. They’ve been gone from their home world for what seems like forever and they’ve definitely earned their right to cry because of it. Earth has things like junk food, loving people, technology, and fuzzy animals. Meanwhile, this new world is in the midst of a war brewing between the indigenous tribe and much more powerful warriors called Bomen. These kids might as well have joined the Iraq War back in 2003…at their middle school age, no less. The loss of innocence makes the homesickness even harder to emotionally process. If you want to cry too, you have my permission (not that you need it).

All in all, this is a fun little adventure that anybody can enjoy regardless of their generation. Anybody can appreciate the messages of friendship, loyalty, and staying strong through all of the hardships. While Fred and Mindy are hard to cheer for in the beginning, they become more sympathetic as the story changes who they are. As a matter of fact, everybody in this story will feel the change brewing within them by the time all is said and done. A passing grade for this wonderfully crafted story!

You Don't Deserve Me

CHORUS

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only desert me

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only hurt me

VERSE 1

Just because you’ve got the prettiest face

Doesn’t mean you’re getting my kiss’s taste

Just because you’ve got a million dollars

Doesn’t mean I even have to bother

Just because you’ve got a siren’s charm

Doesn’t mean you won’t do me harm

I see right through your tempting ways

I stare through you with a venomous gaze

EXTENDED CHORUS

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only desert me

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only hurt me

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only burn me

Find another juicy prey

Get the fuck so far away

VERSE 2

Make up a rumor about my sexuality

Make up a promise of your sensuality

Feeding on emotions like a parasite

Promising an empty fucking paradise

If all you wore was a bra and thong

I’d still think all of your ideas are wrong

I’d still have a reason to pen this song

I’d still have it in me to say, “Not for long!”

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only desert me

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only hurt me

You’ll never have me

Don’t even ask me

Find another source of love

Find another source of snuff

VERSE 3

I’m waiting for somebody who cares

Not for a witch with wicked stares

Not just a game of truth or dare

I know the way I’m being isn’t fair

You know what you’ve always wanted

Your own stud muffin to be flaunted

And all I want is a million bucks

Sometimes you don’t get what you lust

CHORUS X2

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only desert me

You don’t deserve me

You’ll only hurt me

Pussy Songs

VERSE 1

Loving thy neighbor sounds so romantic

Keeping the Sabbath sounds necromantic

A choir teacher with the words of a preacher

Kept us all in line like fucking bottom feeders

The songs we sang brought up bile and vomit

Armageddon couldn’t come sooner, a fiery comet

Love is an emotion that comes with devotion

No wonder Romeo and Juliet drank the potion

CHORUS

We had to sing a bunch of pussy songs! X2

VERSE 2

He thought heavy metal was the work of the devil

He thought rock and roll was on the same level

He thought hip-hop was simple gutter poetry

He made me sing without ever knowing me

Forget the choir; we should become a mosh pit

Destroy all the music that we all think is shit

Crowd surf the teacher to the back of the room

Lock him in the closet; leave him to his biblical doom

CHORUS

We had to sing a bunch of pussy songs! X2

VERSE 3

A whole year has passed since we sang that trash

Where the fuck is our money? Where the fuck is our cash?

I know we were students, but we need compensation

For all of the nausea and the heart-burning sensations

The school janitor should get a triple salary bonus

For the vomit he cleans right after our magnum opus

If you can afford the rights to all of those fucking songs

You can afford to keep our families going long and strong

EXTENDED CHORUS

We had to sing a bunch of pussy songs!

We felt violated, we felt so damn wrong!

We ate shit for breakfast, turned it into lyrics!

No more should we ever have to hear this!

"All Lovers Are Deranged" by David Gilmour

In the late 90’s, there were two things I believed to be true: love wasn’t worth fighting for and Pink Floyd was the greatest band in the world. I needed a theme song that combined these two staunch beliefs and that song was “All Lovers Are Deranged” by David Gilmour, the guitarist and co-vocalist for Pink Floyd.

The Pink Floyd fandom was easy for me, especially after they published a song called “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” (we don’t need no education). I hated going to middle school in the late 90’s, so Pink Floyd earned a lot of brownie points with me.

The part about resisting romantic love was also easy for me back then because I had a father who owed alimony and child support to multiple ex-wives. Okay, so there aren’t many 11 to 13-year-olds who have to pay alimony, but the idea of it happening one day scared me to death.

This was also during a time when I watched the movie Happy Gilmore (no relation to David) and I learned how the IRS punishes people who don’t pay their taxes: by taking their stuff. I was very protective of my property (especially my Legos and videogames), so sharing them with a girl was out of the question.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted by these girls in middle school, though. I took a special liking to women who walked around in shorts and sandals. I didn’t know why at the time, I just liked that about a woman. I would later find out by a special invention called the internet that I had a foot fetish. All questions were answered.

But no matter how many times the girls in my school dressed in shorts and sandals, I turned down every one of them who asked me on a date. Again, I was very protective of my personal things. Add to this the idea of being controlled by someone and the paranoia was even stronger.

I didn’t learn how to fall in love until I turned 15 years old. I went away for a summer retreat in Bellingham and they held dances. I showed up looking for something to drink and from out of nowhere, this pretty girl comes up to me and asks for a dance to a slow song. Also from out of nowhere, I said yes to her. I enjoyed being close with this woman in an intimate way even if it was only for a few minutes. If I can get a little graphic for a moment, there was even a time where…you know…it moved. Ahem!

So now that I know how to fall in love with women, I also know how much it hurts when I know I can’t have the one I fall in love with. I had so many crushes in high school and college that I wanted to duplicate that intimate feeling with. At the time, I thought rejection hurt worse than never trying. I still believe that to this day.

That’s why I consider myself lucky that I was able to have a relationship with a woman named Brianna and feel good about having it. We held hands, hugged, and I even got my first kiss from her. Yes, it took me a long time to get my first kiss, but I got it, by god. That milestone felt good. What didn’t feel good was never seeing her again after an awkward date in which she got in a political argument with my liberal mother. Still, given the awkwardness, I enjoyed every minute I got to be with Brianna even if it was only for a few months.

It’s not the late 90’s anymore and I still have David Gilmour’s music burned to my computer. Are all lovers deranged? It takes a certain craziness to think that love conquers all. Then again, who ever said I was sane? I’m the same guy who believes Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is a cute show and the real world is faker than professional wrestling. Would I do it all again in a heartbeat? Absolutely. Broken hearts can be mended, but lonely ones can’t.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards: in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and two diamonds, but in the end, you wish you had a club or a spade.”

-Jerry “The King” Lawler-

Educational Fiction

We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teacher, leave them kids alone. Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone! All in all, you’re just another brick in the wall. All in all, you’re just another brick in the wall. Sound familiar to you? It should. It was the perfect anthem for going to school and being miserable. Whether you were being bullied by the teachers, bullied by the kids, getting teenaged girls pregnant or being a pregnant teenager yourself, these separate phenomena have been and should be the subject of pretty much every educational fiction book on the library shelves. But to tell you the truth, the only educational fiction story I own is “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and I have yet to read it. I’ve seen previews for the movie before, but I’ve yet to be properly introduced to it despite that. From what I’ve seen in the trailer, it does talk about bullying and friendship. Maybe even romance given that Emma Watson is in the movie. These may sound like inane topics when compared to world disasters, but they’re still important to talk about in some capacity. In fact, here’s a whole list of topics that all educational fiction novels should talk about:

1. Bullying. It’s been going on for way too long and despite all the deaths and heartache that has resulted from it, we’ve only been doing something about it since 2010. It should have never taken that long for us to realize that we need to treat each other with dignity and respect.
2. Friendship. This goes hand-in-hand with bullying since friends and family are your support network for when you’re going through those awful things. What also needs to be discussed is the idea of friends never seeing each other again after high school or college is over. Then again, that’s what Facebook is for. I guess.
3. Underage sex. When I went to school in the witch-hunting, Salem-esque town of Chehalis, Washington, the sex ed teachers taught us to wait until we were married to have sex after giving us a whole list of horrible STD’s to avoid by doing so. I’ve never heard so much dishonesty in my entire life. Then again, they have to have some way of keeping minors from fucking each other. Scare tactics are not the answer, though.
4. Teen pregnancy. In addition to that long list of painful-sounding diseases, another consequence of teen sex is pregnancy. Teenaged times are about having fun and being a kid. You can’t do those things whilst taking care of a baby. It’s one of the reasons I’m pro-choice. The other one being that kids can be really fucking annoying at times.
5. Drugs and alcohol. Promoting a straightedge lifestyle isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Hell, I’m straightedge myself, so I agree with drug education. But the whole “drugs are bad” approach can be downright ridiculous at times. It’s not enough to just say that drugs are bad and to use scare tactics. You have to teach these kids accountability and pride in their work.
6. Mental illness. This one hits close to home since I’m autistic, schizophrenic, and quite possibly depressed. High school is not a good place to start hearing voices in your head or to have a sad attitude all the time. It interferes with your social life, your work, and it may encourage bullies to pay you more visits. The earlier mental diseases are detected and accounted for, the better off the student will be.
7. The prom. I never got to go to the prom since I was too shy to ask anybody to come with me. I hated being told no and I still do. You want to know how much courage it took me to congratulate MMA fighter Ronda Rousey on Twitter for retaining her championship? All of it. Each and every last morsel of courage was used to post that message. If I’m that nervous around a high-profile celebrity, imagine what I’m like around regular people. Introverts like me quickly descend into our bubbles whenever danger approaches.

I’m sure there are more topics that need to be addressed, but these are the main ones that concern me the most. If you have any further suggestions, feel free to post them on the message board. Until then, I have one thing more to say. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Sexual harassment is just bullying with a boner.”

-Daniel Tosh from “Tosh.0”-