King Nigel Hargreaves, Leader of the anti-Oxford Comma Crusade...and a Guy Who Needs a Social Life

 

Go With Them...I Guess

“I’m going off on an adventure!”

“I’m going to seek glory!”

“Garrison, what are you going to do?”

“…Go with them…I guess…”

Ah, yes. When every D&D session is a holiday season in the sense that players should give their all, my specialty in large groups was hitching my wagon to the other players. Don’t contribute any meaningful character information, just…you know…”Go with them…I guess…” But then again, what else was I supposed to do? Walk away from the group and do my own thing? That would require an extra DM just to deal with my bullshit. The easier answer would be to just assume that I’m following my fellow party members around everywhere they go. In which case, I wouldn’t be an elf fighter or a half-orc wizard anymore. I’d be a dog. A loyal golden retriever who couldn’t get enough pets and love, as long as my fellow party members had beef snacks ready. Dogs don’t have to worry about serious character development since their histories amount to chasing squirrels and rolling in mud. Not much complexity there!

Even from my very first session as an elf warrior, it should have been assumed that I’d follow my party members everywhere they went. But that wasn’t how D&D worked in those days. I always assumed that it would be like Final Fantasy games where the party goes everywhere together and would only become active characters during a battle. Not the case at all, it seems. Super Nintendos can’t ask for the player’s opinion beyond a yes or no question. Dungeon Masters can and will. So imagine my shock when the DM, my brother James, asked everyone in the party what they were going to do once they got to a town. The two players before me knew exactly what they were going to do: explore. But when James asked me what I was going to do, I froze like Sub-Zero’s opponents in Mortal Kombat. I thought we were just following each other around. Nope! I actually had to make a decision independent of my party members. And I couldn’t do it. So my elf hunter jumped down a manhole and was never seen again.

All these years later, what is the right answer to the, “What are you going to do?” question when you’re in a group of two or more adventurers? Should Dungeon Masters just assume that party members are just going to follow each other around like dogs and do nothing until they’re specifically called upon? While that is a convenient answer, it would certainly get weird after a while, wouldn’t you agree? Wouldn’t the other party members wonder why these strangers are following them around without saying a word? The easy answer would be to say, “We’re on the same team. Live with it.” But are you? What makes you all a team? Are you just there for the hell of it? Do teams really get together because it’s the right thing to do and nothing should be questioned?

And this is where the all-important character development comes into play. As it turns out, it’s not enough to have a half-orc barbarian with bulging muscles and a battleaxe that can cut through the Golden Gate Bridge. Why is this half-orc barbarian running around with a Halfling thief and a half-elf wizard? How did this half-orc barbarian come into existence other than having a full-orc and a human fuck each other’s brains out? Why does he have all of these muscles other than he’s a barbarian and it should be a universally-accepted truth? What are the stories behind his scars? What are the stories behind his actions? What are the stories behind his blind loyalty to his party? When a character’s motivations and goals are explored beyond being a shallow drone, that’s when the fun really begins. After all, mindless drones aren’t nearly as much fun to read about as fleshed-out three-dimensional characters. Isn’t that right, Stephenie Meyer? How about you, E.L. James, do you want to weigh in on this subject? Didn’t think so.

Let’s go back to the example of the elf hunter who got so confused that he jumped down a sewer hole without giving a second thought. Could he have just hitched his wagon to the other PC’s and went along with them wherever they went? But why would he do that? Well, that’s where a “session zero” comes into play. It’s a D&D session designed to get the characters introduced to each other before the campaign officially begins. So what are the elf hunter’s motivations? Does he want revenge on someone who killed his parents? Does he want to earn enough money to pay for his sister’s heart transplant? Does he want to earn enough money so that he can go on a vacation to a sandy beach paradise? Does he want to earn enough money to go to school and learn more about the world around him? These are all reasonable motivations to have as a character. They may have been done to death by other authors and PC’s, but not you. You as the player have all the power in the world to fashion these motivations into something tangible and unique. So maybe the answer isn’t to hitch your wagon to a bunch of mindless drones.

But what if there’s a reason for being a mindless drone? What if all of the party members are part of a cult that just goes around doing whatever their higher power tells them to do? What if the higher power tells them to murder everyone they come across as a worthy sacrifice? What if the higher power tells them to steal enough money to make the cult richer than Scientology ever could be? In that case, while the players are still mindless drones, they have motivations beyond two-dimensional character work. But even if this were the case, the players who own those characters still have to put in the work when it comes to developing back stories and mythologies. If you’re going to, “Go with them…I guess…”, then at least have a reason for doing so. I hate to use the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason”, but in the case of D&D characters following each other around, it definitely does.

Even the elf hunter has a reason for falling down a sewer hole (not just because the player didn’t know what the fuck he’s doing). Okay, so he’s exited the party under weird circumstances. Now what? Are there creatures lurking in the sewers? Does the shit-scented water have a dark secret buried beneath? Does the sewer serve as a passageway to another world? How about a secret entrance into a castle full of riches and sorcery? Now the question becomes, does the elf hunter keep all of his findings to himself or does he share them with his party members if and when he returns to the surface? Hopefully, he’s had a nice bath beforehand and not in a river of shit and piss. Otherwise, they’re going to think he’s a lunatic and have him locked in a madhouse.

But what does the elf hunter do while he’s confined to a padded cell filled with other crazy people? Does he share his secrets with the crazy people and get into even more trouble than he’s already in? Does he meet someone there who could bust everyone out and flood the streets with whack-a-dos? Does he meet a corrupt nurse who’s beating the shit out of the patients for no reason other than to satisfy their sadistic urges? If you look hard enough, everything has an angle behind it, everything has a story that can be exploited for creative fodder.

Here’s the thing with me as a middle schooler: I didn’t give a shit about developing back stories and looking at life through multiple angles. I just liked the shallow aspects of the characters I created and the places I went to. Does my character have skulls decorating his entire body? Does he carry an axe with a long enough shaft to double as a wizard’s staff? Does he have a drill bit on top of his head? Is his metal armor so thick that it can protect him from nuclear missiles in a medieval fantasy setting? For me back in those days, looking cool was more important than being cool. My characters could have the flattest personalities and the agendas of mindless drones as long as they looked cool doing it. I could get away with it back then, but not today as an author telling my own stories.

One thing I’ve learned as an author is that nobody cares if your dark knight carries a chainsaw into battle with him. Nobody cares if your dragon-born barbarian breathes ice instead of fire. Nobody cares if your goblin electromancer shoots bolts of lightning out of his ass. Surface-level character development isn’t development at all. Having thick armor isn’t a personality trait. Having trident heads for fists isn’t a relatable flaw. The audience doesn’t want chainsaw-wielding dark paladins if those same warriors don’t have an inch of depth or personality behind them. Ever wonder why we like one-line zingers? It’s because a mindless drone could never come up with them. Ever wonder why we like edgy dialogue? Because it takes a special kind of character development to come up with those sound bites. Characters are more than their swords, axes, and lightning breath. They have flaws. They have dreams and goals. They have styles of speech. They have reasons behind their actions that extend beyond Captain Evil territories.

So…do you want to know what the right answer to the, “What are you going to do?” question is? Well, if your only solution is to hitch your wagon to your party members whilst contributing nothing in the way of character development, your D&D session is going to be boring as hell and so will the stories you write as a professional author. It is somewhat surprising to hear me of all people say that, the same guy who struggles with character development because my characters are either too nice or too mean, too extreme or too bland, too smart or too dumb, or too good or too evil. I couldn’t find the middle ground with a map and a compass. 

But that’s why we have character profiles and character sheets: not to keep track of how many muscles our ogre barbarians have, but to keep track of all of their personality traits and why they act the way they do. Coming up with three-dimensional characters is a lot of work, but it’s work very much worth doing. Even out the extreme tendencies and make shit happen for a reason. Think beyond the shallow. Get in your character’s head like a schizophrenic voice. Ask yourself: what makes this character tick? But when you’re figuring this stuff out, take all the time you need. You don’t have to get three-dimensional character work right the first time, but you should get it right eventually. It’s a skill, one that takes patience. Do you have it in you? Of course you do! Otherwise, you wouldn’t have a D&D character sheet or a novel idea in the first place.

RPG Memoirs: Fiction or Nonfiction?

So…I’m at a little bit of a crossroads here when it comes to my nonfiction. Many months ago, I wrote a memoir about a D&D campaign I did with my brother in 2003 where I was a bounty hunter named Regal (it went about as well as you’d imagine, haha!). Ever since then, I’ve wondered if I should do those kinds of memoirs in the future. A small little voice told me that if I’m going to do them, why not just write them as fictional stories instead of memoirs? There’ll be more opportunities for showing instead of telling and it’ll feel like a real story. But given how some of those role-plays panned out, they wouldn’t make for very good stories on their own. Under a nonfiction microscope, I can analyze what went wrong and why. That’s basically the point of these memoirs: to show how much my storytelling skills and I have changed since those days. They can either be cautionary tales or legitimate master classes. What do you guys think? Are these kinds of stories better served as fiction or nonfiction?

"Tales of Mentara, Vol. 2: The RItual" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Tales of Mentara, Pt. 2: The Ritual

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Middle Grade Adventure

GRADE: Pass

Middle schooler sorceress Charlotte and her group of friends find themselves trapped in another world where tribal societies, strange animals, and even stranger plants inhabit the landscape. The teenaged leader of the Tara Tribe, Tomas, enlists Charlotte’s help in fighting off barbaric warriors called Bomen (despite her hesitance to participate in such a brutal war). Over time, the white-skinned outsiders and the darker-skinned Tarans learn to get along to the point of becoming just like family. Given Charlotte’s dismal history on earth, she may not want to return despite the fighting amongst tribes.

While the first book in this series had a darker overtone, this one is slightly happier with the tentative cooperation of the meshing characters. This message that different cultures can get along is one we need to hear more often, especially in the age of a Trump presidency. Both sides of the racism coin are shown brilliantly in this novella, whether it’s people getting along or people fighting amongst each other over foolish reasons and systematic fear. Our white heroes immerse themselves in the Taran culture, so they’re less likely to judge foreign customs. The Bomen, on the other hand, were raised by older generations of ignorance and hate, so they take their xenophobic violence out on those less fortunate than them. Sound familiar? It should.

I must admit that in the first book, I wasn’t sold on Fred as a character due to his hotheadedness and ogre-like personality. But seeing him fleshed out over the course of the second novel drives the point further of getting along with each other. We learn things about him that we didn’t get to see much of in the first book. He’s capable of changing his views. He’s a caring individual when enough pressure is placed upon him. He’s a big softy underneath his rough exterior. He’s not a fighter by nature despite playing sports all the time. He takes an interest in science and is quite knowledgeable with what he has. Having read about all of these qualities in Fred, I’m better able to sympathize with him when the worst of the worst happens to him. I’m also able to celebrate his victories no matter how small some of them are. I hope he continues to mature as the Tales of Mentara series rolls along with more books.

You’re probably wondering right now why this book is called The Ritual, seeing as how lots of different rituals are talked about along the way. The specific ceremony this book centers on is hard to read about since it involves testing physical and mental toughness. The first stage is the hardest to read about because it reminds me too much of Guantanamo Bay and how the prison guards treated their captives. I can only imagine how hard it was for Ms. Uzzell to write about it. But the more uncomfortable the reader becomes, the more empathy it shows. This is supposed to be an uncomfortable experience. It’s supposed to stick with the reader for the longest time. It’s not just for shock value, either. It has a debate surrounding it about the acceptability of certain rituals for outsiders like Charlotte and her friends. For asking as many questions as it answers, I give the book and its author high praise.

This second installment of Tales of Mentara serves as several healthy lessons for the young audience it targets. Get along with each other. Be loyal to the ones who need it most. Don’t judge so easily. Use diplomacy when it matters and violence as an absolute last resort. Educate yourself about the world around you. These lessons are so agreeable that I can picture this book being in a school library if it ever came to that. On top of all that, this is a fun book to read, so who says education can’t be entertaining? A passing grade is what this novella will get. Excellent work, Ashley Uzzell!

"Tales of Mentara: The Portal" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Tales of Mentara: The Portal

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Fantasy Adventure

GRADE: Pass

A group of middle school friends find themselves trapped on a strange new planet when the sorcerer of the team, Charlotte, accidentally opens a portal to the other realm. Learning to adapt to this new environment proves tough when homesickness, uncooperative allies, and the distrust of an indigenous tribe threaten their chances of survival. With the threat of another group of invading warriors looming, Charlotte and her friends have to act fast if they want to live to tell their amazing story. They’re only kids, but everybody grows up eventually, even if it is a rapid ascent into maturity.

The first thing I want to applaud Ms. Uzzell on is her ability to promote five different main characters without any of them getting lost in the shuffle. This novel is relatively short, so she doesn’t have a large canvas to work with, which is what makes these characters’ developments all the more amazing. Charlotte and Lena are the motherly figures of the group while Daniel and Mindy are the innocent children and Fred is the rough and tough bad boy (but only on the outside). The more you delve into this story, the more you realize that they are just kids after all and they have their moments of raw emotions and soft feelings. That’s what makes this story real to me.

It’s also refreshing to hear parts of this story told through the points of view of the indigenous tribe. Despite the language barrier and primitive lifestyle, they actually have a lot in common with the “pale-skinned” main characters. They too are just kids who want to live a normal life after the stresses of this new world break them down. This goes to show that no matter where you are in the universe, you’ll always have someone to empathize with. The more empathy you have for your fellow humans, the less likely you are to hate them. This novel could be an allegory for racial harmony if you read between the lines.

And then you have the most heartbreaking part of this story, the homesickness the lead characters feel. They’ve been gone from their home world for what seems like forever and they’ve definitely earned their right to cry because of it. Earth has things like junk food, loving people, technology, and fuzzy animals. Meanwhile, this new world is in the midst of a war brewing between the indigenous tribe and much more powerful warriors called Bomen. These kids might as well have joined the Iraq War back in 2003…at their middle school age, no less. The loss of innocence makes the homesickness even harder to emotionally process. If you want to cry too, you have my permission (not that you need it).

All in all, this is a fun little adventure that anybody can enjoy regardless of their generation. Anybody can appreciate the messages of friendship, loyalty, and staying strong through all of the hardships. While Fred and Mindy are hard to cheer for in the beginning, they become more sympathetic as the story changes who they are. As a matter of fact, everybody in this story will feel the change brewing within them by the time all is said and done. A passing grade for this wonderfully crafted story!

"Dog Man: A Tale of Two Kitties" by Dav Pilkey

BOOK TITLE: Dog Man: A Tale of Two Kitties

AUTHOR: Dav Pilkey

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Children’s Adventure

GRADE: Pass

An anthropomorphic dog cop aptly named Dog Man has been assigned to protect a laboratory housing a psychomantic fish, who was rebuilt using mechanical parts so that the scientists could sufficiently study his brain. Elsewhere in the city, another scientific experiment takes place as escaped convict Petey the Kitty creates a miniature clone of himself and struggles to raise it like a real kid. Soon the two stories hit a crossroads in a cutely written adventure involving buildings coming to life, a mechanical cat suit capable of superhuman feats, and a gigantic truck full of French salad dressing. It’s a silly story, but one worth enjoying.

While it is true that this graphic novel was intended for small children, you can also enjoy it if you’re an avid pet lover like me. The Petey clone’s innocent antics, Dog Man’s cheerful nature, and even the minor role characters bring out the warm and fuzzy feelings you’d expect from animal literature. My favorite cute moments from the book include putting Lil’ Petey to bed, giving him a bath, and Dog Man bouncing all over the police chief like a real dog. You know what? Why don’t we just give the entire cast of this graphic novel one big cuddle-huggle. Good or evil, they’ve all earned a special place in my heart for the sweetness they bring!

As happy-go-lucky as this book is, it’s not without the occasional sad moment. I can pinpoint three different parts of this book that strike me as heartbreaking: Dog Man’s sad expressions when the police chief tells him he’s a “bad dog”, Petey becoming frustrated with his “kid” and leaving him in a box alone on the streets, and Lil’ Petey drawing picture books for his special friends. Don’t be too turned off by these tear-jerking scenes, because they’ll easily renew your love for animals everywhere. If you’ve got a little kitty or puppy at home, give him or her extra cuddles and pettings to show them how much you care.

Enough with the tears of sadness. How about some tears of happiness for a change? The mechanical cat suit Petey builds for his son is called the 80 Hexatron Droid. If you shorten that name to an acronym, it’s called 80-HD. Say that ten times fast and clap your hands like an audience at a golf tournament. Oh, and one of the buildings that comes to life? It’s an oatmeal factory called Holland Oats. Kids today might not understand that reference, but an older member of their family will. The jokes and puns in this story won’t make you hee-haw with laughter, but they’ll bring the world’s goofiest grin to your face.

If you like cute and cuddly stories with happy endings and golf clap humor, buy a copy of this graphic novel. Whether you have children of your own, you are a child, or you’re just a guy who loves sweetness, you’ll love what the pages have to offer. Don’t let anybody tell you you’re too old for this kind of material. What matters most is what you love, not what anybody else’s standards dictate. I love this story and that’s why it deserves a passing grade.

Tony Wayne

NAME: Tony Wayne
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man


If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.

Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.

The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.

You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.

Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.

I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.

Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”

-Jerry Lawler-