Fun Guy

VERSE 1

I dance like I’m in a pool that someone dropped a toaster in

I can’t do keg stands or I’ll throw up in the garbage bin

I can’t do the things that will make you confess your sins

To the preacher man when your Sunday morning begins

I haven’t smiled a day since the Reagan administration

I haven’t made love since computer masturbation

The only songs that play for me would bring tears to others’ eyes

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s been so long since I’ve cried

CHORUS 1

I can’t be a fun guy

When serotonin runs dry

Can’t be a party animal

When I sink like a cannonball

Can’t be a fun guy

Can’t be a fun guy

Fun guy, fun guy

Fun guy, fun guy

VERSE 2

You say you’re leaving my side because I bring you down so much

You say I’m on the edge of giving myself the finishing touch

You say you need a guy who has a million in change and isn’t so strange

You say you need a guy who doesn’t come off as sad and deranged

I say don’t let the door hit you on the ass when you leave

A half-hour friendship was a lifetime filled with being deceived

I wish you well and let me tell you one thing right before you go

My depression and rejection are less than one percent of what you know

CHORUS 1

I can’t be a fun guy

When serotonin runs dry

Can’t be a party animal

When I sink like a cannonball

Can’t be a fun guy

Can’t be a fun guy

Fun guy, fun guy

Fun guy, fun guy

BRIDGE X2

I didn’t choose the darkness

The darkness chose me

I could have been a fun guy

If not for fucked up brain chemistry

CHORUS 2

I can’t be a fun guy

When serotonin runs dry

Can’t be a party animal

When I sink like a cannonball

It ain’t fun for me either

When someone else is the leader

Grabbing me by the throat

Use my blood to write a special note

Can’t be a fun guy

Can’t be a fun guy

Fun guy, fun guy

Fun guy! Fun guy!

Sit With You

Excuse me? Can I sit down with you?

Beginning again is hard for me to do

Making new friends is not my strength

My relationships have the shortest length

One minute we’re talking about nothing

The next we’re distracted by something

A new job, a new house, a new friend

An old foe, an old trauma, and no end

You’re a dinner and movie date away

We want to go, but we can’t even stay

My name is Garrison in case you care

How much of my soul should I bare?

Do my stories bore you? Make you cringe?

Should I move closer to the fringe?

Should I fake charisma I never had?

Is my awkwardness really that bad?

I gave it a shot whether I succeeded or not

Nobody can say I never even fought

On to the next one, whoever that is

Another beautiful soul I learn to miss

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

How much more pain must be felt?

Rejection is a passing thought to you

To me it hurts like a permanent bruise

It’s not your fault and it never was

It’s all on me and enough is enough

Isolation is both a gift and a curse

But at least it can’t get any worse

Loneliness isn’t something to fear

My own demons will always be here

Conditioned to Ignore Me

VERSE 1

The Clockwork Orange magic spell

Gave you a brainwashed story to tell

Conditioned to ignore me no matter what

Whether I hurt inside or have a deeper cut

I could burn a building to the ground

Or I could rescue an abused hound

Optimist, pessimist, who gives a fuck?

If it’s a cry for help, I’m shit out of luck

CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

VERSE 2

Pavlov’s sorcery has got you by the balls

Conditioned to laugh whenever I fall

Conditioned to walk right past me

Conditioned to low-key blast me

It’s meat paste and the bell once again

Making drooling slaves out of good friends

I could burn the world or buy you pearls

Who’d give a fuck? Any boy or girl?

CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

VERSE 3

I could hack the biggest computer database

I could kiss my kitty on his fuzzy little face

I could ride a nuclear missile like a horsy

I could pet every Labrador and every Corgi

Your conditioned response is still the same

To forget that I exist or that I have a name

Who put this spell on your pretty little head?

Who was the one who wished your soul dead?

EXTENDED CHORUS

Conditioned to ignore me

Because you find me boring

Because I’m down on my knees

Begging for me to finally be seen

Conditioned to reject me

Chew me up then digest me

Because I can’t scream loud enough

Somebody else already has it rough

Shy Guy Blues

VERSE 1

You think it’s cute when I stare at my shoes

As I try to shake off these shy guy blues

As I sit and stew over nothing really new

Sifting through creative fuel to see what’s true

It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me

It’s not like I’m the easiest guy to see

In a crowd full of people who love to chat

About the weather, their jobs, this, and that

VERSE 2

Confidence and charisma come so naturally

To those whose motto is “Love Actually”

I try to think of what I have to offer you

I’m coming up short, still the quiet attitude

I could write you a poem, but you won’t see it

Even if you could, you’d never believe it

It’s okay if you don’t want to crack my shell

I hope the rest of your day is going very well

BRIDGE

I don’t need to be a superman

Don’t need a shallow one night stand

Don’t need a pocket full of cash

I’ll just take a trip to sleepy land

VERSE 3

I dream about you every single night

I can’t tell you, because it isn’t right

You deserve every last of your comforts

My shy guy blues are my favorite cover

It’s okay if you think I’m just a coward

It’s okay if you don’t want to give me power

The shadows are my permanent address

For that, the two of us should feel blessed

Kill, Cut, Scalp

Buildings crumbled to rubble. Oceans flooded the streets. Volcanoes burned this once great Earth. Lightning flashed in the gray skies. And who did the people of Earth have to thank for all of this? Their new master, the necromancer Dark-Law. Those who agreed to Dark-Law’s leadership survived long enough to live as slaves. Those who didn’t were tortured with spikes and fire or decapitated with a skeletal minion’s energy saber. Dystopia was an overused word to describe situations such as this. Hellish nightmare would have been more appropriate. The worst part about this? Nobody was powerful enough to slay this sorcerer and restore peace to this destructive landscape.

The wicked magician spent most of his free time in his bone-constructed temple bathing in a pool of blood, which he would also use as a screen to monitor his minions’ handiwork. The blood was warm and bubbly, just like a Jacuzzi. The skull decorations and tribal masks lining the walls of his personal room were relaxing as well. The blue-fleshed, baldheaded, sharp-fanged wizard draped his arms across the edge of the pool, threw his head back, and let out a peaceful sigh.

“Excuse me,” said a tired and dull voice.

Dark-Law lifted his head and opened his weary eyes to see that a young gentleman with a plump stomach, sweat pants and a T-shirt, a bald head, and droopy jowls standing on the other side of the bloodbath. The poor guy looked so tired and uncharismatic that he could have fallen over and passed out at any minute. But he didn’t. For all of his lack of charm, this gentleman had some kind of reason for being here.

The blood pool showed visions of the skeletal guards outside the temple in perfect shape and standing stoically. They appeared to be doing their jobs, but they obviously weren’t considering this poor excuse for a hero just showed up in Dark-Law’s private chambers. The necromancer would deal with their insubordination later. Until then…

“What’s wrong, young lad? Are you lost? Did you stumble into the wrong room? Leave my chambers, post-haste! You’ve seen what I’ve done to this world, so killing off an everyday loser like you would be a cakewalk!” threatened Dark-Law.

With his jowls swinging freely from his chin and cheeks, the boring hero said, “I didn’t make a mistake. My name is John Bush and I’m here to take your scalp off with this pocket knife.” He indeed had a pocket knife in his hand and it looked about as long as his sausage-like pinky finger.

Such disturbing threats would normally be met with a lightning bolt or a bone spear from the deadly wizard. Instead, Dark-Law burst into monstrous, throaty laughter and pounded the edge of his blood pool with his fists. “Are you serious? Your name is John Bush and you’re here to kill me? And here I thought you came all this way to file my taxes!” He laughed some more.

Maintaining a stoic and dull aura, John Bush said, “I’m not kidding around, Mr. Dark-Law. Everything I tell you is the truth.”

“The truth?! You want to know what the truth is, laddie?! You’re a big pudgy idiot named John Bush and you’re carrying a pocket knife the size of a goddamn toothpick! No wonder my guards let you in so easily!” said Dark-Law as he continued to pound the edge of the pool and laugh like a hyena.

“Okay, Mr. Dark-Law. I warned you,” said John before kicking off his sandals and touching the blood pool with his toe.

“HEY!!” shrieked the deathly wizard, which caused the unlikely hero to jump back in fright. Dark-Law stood up in the pool and waded across it while maintaining an evil stare. “I’ve tolerated you up until this point, Mr. Bush. But nobody, and I mean nobody, bathes in my pool of blood except for me!”

Instead of tiptoeing his way in the pool, John Bush jumped in and created a huge splash with his hefty body. “What now, Mr. Dark-Law?”

The sorcerer growled and teleported over to John’s position. Face to face with stale breath invading his opponent’s nostrils, Dark-Law wrapped his claw-like hand around the top of John’s head and shoved him under in an attempt to drown him. The hot temperature and acidic taste of the blood weren’t enough to make Mr. Bush put up a huge struggle against his suffocation. He either really was a passionless hero or he was enjoying the bubbly feeling like he was in a hot tub.

As John’s oxygen bubbles got smaller and smaller, Dark-Law screamed at him, “I rule this world with death and destruction! This planet is my plaything! But you, John Bush! You are my one and only bitch!” It was at that moment when Dark-Law felt a jab of sharp pain in his leg and jumped backwards underneath the blood while John Bush stood back up coughing and gasping.

Dark-Law also stood back up and had a fresh scar running across his leg compliments of the “toothpick” in his opponent’s hands. For such a small weapon, it created quite the gash. But this wizard wasn’t going away that easily. His wound healed quickly and new skin formed over it. Despite the hopelessness ahead of him, John didn’t look the least bit disappointed.

“You see that, Mr. Bush! That’s what happens when you sell your soul to the devil himself! I traded a normal life for these godlike powers and now this world is brought to its knees! But you, Mr. Bush. You won’t have the luxury of living on your knees much longer. Instead you’re going to die like a whore on your back!” threatened Dark-Law as he gathered black energy in the palm of his hand.

John didn’t look too impressed with Dark-Law’s magical abilities, but probably would be once the shadow ball was tossed his way. One hard throw and this charade was over. After a cannonball-like shot from the sorcerer’s hands, the bullshit was indeed over, but in a different way.

John Bush swatted the energy ball away and revealed that his pocket knife hand had turned into a burning red skeletal hand. He had been playing mind games this whole time and Dark-Law was just now figuring it all out. The blue-skinned sorcerer backed up into his pool in sheer fright of what he was seeing, his body shaking and his head barely above the blood.

“The games are over, Dark-Law. And now it’s time to see who the real bitch is!” said John in a demonic scream unlike the medicated voice he was using this whole time. He began to tear his own flesh off until all that remained underneath was a fiery red skeleton with steel angel wings and a crown of spikes.

“No…no, this isn’t happening! Where the hell are my guards when I need them?!” screamed a fearful Dark-Law. The blood pool showed that the skeletal guards outside the temple were also part of the façade. Upon gazing at them a second time, their bones crumbled into ashes and dust.

“For god’s sake! If you worthless minions can’t handle this, then I will!” shouted Dark-Law as he leaped out of his pool and started throwing green energy balls left and right at the death angel known as John Bush.

Every ball found its target in John’s bony chest and he appeared to be bending backwards in pain. Dark-Law raised his arms and cheered in hope that he had won this battle. But victory wouldn’t come so easily for the deadly wizard. Instead the green energy projectiles caused John’s death angel body to grow larger and fierier. The red skeleton shouted a demonic cry before firing his own projectile straight through Dark-Law’s heart: a fire spear that drained his black blood into the already disgusting pool.

The evil ruler screamed his last scream of pain and thrashed his last bone-breaking thrashes. His now hollow corpse was tossed aside and John Bush’s death angel form had transformed back into his uncharismatic chubby body, still with the pocket knife in his hand.

John waddled over to Dark-Law’s corpse and sat his big ass down to start cutting away at the man’s scalp. “This will make for some awesome scientific research.” Indeed it will, John, because this dystopian nightmare shall never happen again. And to think, it was all because the almighty Dark-Law refused to take his most unlikely opponent seriously. For shame.