Billy Joel vs. Megyn Kelly (no relation, thank god)

 

Blanka from Street Fighter II vs. Laura Ingraham from Fox News: A Masterclass in Malicious Compliance

 

Judge Jeanine Pirro: Her Media Literacy Skills Are Sharper Than RFK's Heroin Needle

 

It's Pronounced "Mike Rowe", Not "Micro"...Allegedly

 

Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sean Hannity

 

The Brave Little Toaster vs. Greg Gutfeld

 

 

The toaster is making quite the sacrifice for all of us. He'll be a martyr for doing so.

Disaster Porn Star

VERSE 1

You’re all fucked! You’re all screwed!

They took away every pound of food

They call it famine, I call it murder

Can’t even buy a junior bacon burger

Can’t even buy a head of lettuce

No child left behind? They’ll already forget us

Your rumbling tummy has sealed your fate

But thank the stars above you’re not overweight

 

CHORUS 1

If it’s upsetting to you, then that’s the point

Swallow all your Xanax, roll yourself a joint

Self-medication only gets you so far

I’m your news anchor, disaster porn star

 

VERSE 2

You’re all pegged! You’re all dead!

They never had to put a bullet in your head

Just feed you second helpings of existential dread

Until you’re lifeless inside, assed out on your bed

You could overdose on your favorite medication

But your soul doesn’t care enough about ideation

Indifferent to the world closing in all around

When the rubble crashes down, you won’t make a sound

 

CHORUS 2

If it’s pissing you off, then we did our job

Now go and get yours, you underclass slob

We’re reporting facts, that’s just how they are

We’re your cable news, disaster porn stars

 

BRIDGE

Ron Jeremy ain’t got shit on me

Jasmine St. Claire couldn’t hit on me

I’m on TV, you couldn’t spit on me

I’m your addiction, you ain’t kicking me

We’re rage-bait trolls with a TV studio

Here’s some pictures of Miguel and Julio

A gay couple with a son of their own

Remember their faces, they’ll never make it home

 

CHORUS 3

If it chaps your ass, then we get paid

We’re like real porn stars, always getting laid

Remember shit-eating grins as the camera fades

‘Cause we’re driving sports cars, disaster porn stars

Capitalism is your permanent system

Rich is what we are, disaster porn stars

Tyrus f.k.a. Brodus Clay

 

Dolph Ziggler

 

Headline News

VERSE 1

Geek in a suit comes on the news at five

He’s probably wondering how we’re all alive

Read the teleprompter while on beta blockers

Lifeless interview gives you nothing new

Turn that shit off, what’re we watching for?

We should get overtime for staying informed

This is a movie that we’ve all seen before

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

VERSE 2

Roundtable at six sucking Israel’s dicks

Got a dose of depression, come get your fix

Gather over here while we fight fascism

But only with permission from upper management

Bomb this, bomb that, school shooter with a gat

Every one of them fuckers got a red MAGA hat

TV-MA for gratuitous gore

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

VERSE 3

It’s seven o’clock, get on your knees and pray

‘Cause we just made it through another long day

Go fight with your family, have a master debate

You don’t need verbal skills, you need mosquito spray

Dehumanized by the people you’re supposed to love

It’s love with conditions from the heavens above

Just another case of the poor fighting the poor

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

 

OUTRO

‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

Fuck the positivity, they find it such a bore

Brain chemical addiction is your newfound chore

Like those Camels you smoke from the convenience store

A bottle of Jack to go with your pack

If you’re pissed off long enough, you can move on to crack

Healthy coping mechanisms are what you all lack

But when you need your rage bait, we’ll take your greenbacks