Raising the Bar

CHORUS 1

You’re just mad because I’m raising the bar

I’m walking down the street looking like a superstar

Shout your shit at me from your Oscar-Meyer car

Overcompensate for a dick that doesn’t measure far

 

VERSE 1

Speaking of bars, we got to talk about this

You’re chugging Miller Lite a.k.a. horse piss

That chick looks cute, why don’t you give her a kiss

That’s your grandma, dude, get the fuck off her lips

Your drunken escapade is worth a quick mention

In a place called R-slash Incest Confessions

Those stories are fake, no doubt or a question

But you got a nonfiction Dewey Decimal extension

 

CHORUS 2

You’re just mad because I’m raising the bar

I’m walking down the street looking like a superstar

Shout your dog whistle slogans from a Cyber Truck

If you died in a car fire, I wouldn’t give a fuck

 

VERSE 2

Maybe Reddit forums really aren’t your vibe

Maybe farming for kiwis is where you’ll find your tribe

Get pissed at the world, especially all the girls

Who wouldn’t let you pound the pun-tang, ‘cause you made them hurl

Or maybe it’s a pair of dick and balls that you’re after

You can’t confess or you’ll bring your friends to laughter

They got your address, SWAT team makes an arrest

Stuck in a cell with Bubba, well, you know the rest

 

CHORUS 3

You’re just mad because I’m raising the bar

I’m walking down the street looking like a superstar

Shout the F-slur from your gas-wasting hummer

You deny climate change, die of heat stroke in the summer

You’re just mad because I’m raising the bar

I’m walking down the street looking like a superstar

Shout behind a megaphone from your black and white

Bring it on, Blue Balls, because I know my rights

AITJ: Corey Shields

AUTHOR: Garrison Kelly

ORIGINAL POSTER: Corey Shields

STORY: The Benoit Blues (formerly known as Darkness Reigns)

BOOK: American Darkness

I’m a 45yo male and I’ve been teaching music in the Paulson City school district for close to twenty years. I’ve seen just about everything there is to see during that time. But a recent string of budget cuts has plagued our school and it’s affecting not only the teachers who already have limited resources, but the students as well. I wanted to take my students to Washington DC for a symphonic concert field trip, but the lack of funding for our schools kept that from happening.

Even more infuriating is our Principal, a 55yo female, not doing everything she can to fight for us when she wields the most power in these budget committee hearings. I’ve even heard rumors that she was funneling some of that money for herself while the rest of us are left holding the bag. I have no way of proving these rumors, but they sound true on paper.

So in a last ditch effort to urge Principal Scotch into action, I had special instructions for my students at this year’s spring concert. They were worried about it at first, but I assured them that everything would be okay. And sure enough, they carried out those instructions at the concert beautifully.

The first and only song that my student band played that night was “Whatever” by Our Lady Peace, which was used as the theme song for former WWE wrestler Chris Benoit. The parents in the audience probably never watched an episode of WWE television a day in their lives, but they know who Chris Benoit is because he was all over the news for killing his wife and son before committing suicide.

Naturally, the parents and faculty were shocked that I would choose this particular song for my student band to play. And then I took the microphone and gave the ultimate punchline: “What? You think that’s offensive? Try withholding funds from our school.” The message was loud and clear for everyone to hear, especially Principal Scotch, who fired me on the spot for my protest anthem. 

Did the school end up getting more funding? Were the teachers actually being paid a living wage? Hell if I know. It probably didn’t help matters that the next day, my phone blew up with angry text messages and emails from the parents of my students along with other teachers and faculty members. While my intentions were good, the outcome was most likely a dud and now the school is probably suffering because of it.

AITJ for using a murderer’s theme music to protest the lack of school funding or does Principal Scotch get all of the blame for this one? I certainly feel like TJ knowing that the protest blew up in my face. I would feel like an even bigger jerk if I knew my students were being punished for what was ultimately my plan.