Dr. Esther Villalobos hoped that the downpour outside would
be sufficient in calming down her next patient. If not that, then the pictures
of fluffy felines mounted on her walls. And if not that, then the musty smell
of old books sitting on her shelves. Then again, perhaps the little things
about her cozy office were just that: little. She knew full well that she had
to be as delicate as possible when handling her newest client.
She remembered watching the media circus unfold on TV like
it was yesterday. Every news anchor seemed to have an obsessive fixation on the
demonic serial killer Lucy Butler. How she seduced and brainwashed her
brilliant-minded abductees into believing their own mediocrity. How she played
“Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat over and over again to drive that point home.
But the biggest thing that made Esther squirm in her chair
all those days ago was how the media and subsequent viewers sexualized the hell
out of Lucy Butler, whether it was her natural beauty, her alluring methods, or
just because hybristophilia was still a thing in this day and age. People said
the exact same things about Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer, so maybe it shouldn’t
have come as a big surprise. Still, Esther shivered at the thought of
romanticizing such a brutal killer.
“I could definitely use a cigarette right now,” said Esther
to nobody in particular as she sat in her swivel chair tapping her foot.
The nicotine would have to wait a little longer. There was a
halfhearted knock on her door and she said, “Come in”, which the visitor did.
Sure enough, the centerpiece of these Lucy Butler stories, Landon Bryce,
skulked through the office door looking like hell. His blondish brown hair
looked like it hadn’t been combed since god knows when. His Linkin Park T-shirt
and blue jeans were covered in what looked like corn chip dust. Hopefully, that
wasn’t all he was eating lately, but Esther wasn’t banking on any other
answers. After all, the life in his once pretty eyes had been completely
drained and his face sagged to show off his lack of zest for life.
Landon’s most noticeable feature, however, was the bruises
and cuts all over his bony hands. Esther was no detective, but she had to
assume those bloody scrapes had something to do with him getting in fights as
recently as a few days ago. He didn’t seem to notice his own damage as he just
stood in the doorway shivering lightly and staring at nothing like the zombie
he was.
“Good morning,” said Esther in a soft, benign voice that
didn’t betray the fact that she was a smoker. “You must be Landon. I’m Dr.
Esther Villalobos. Please, make yourself at home. There’s a seat on the leather
couch with your name on it.” He was in no hurry to lay down on the couch, but
once he did, he found the comfort he needed to take deep breaths in an attempt
to calm whatever chaos was going on his mind. He still trembled, though.
“Before we begin, do you want some Vaseline for your hands? They look like they
could use some TLC.”
“Huh?” Landon just now noticed the scars on his hand and
languidly answered, “Sure, okay.”
Esther pulled a bottle of Vaseline out of her desk drawers
and squirted a few drops into her patient’s palms. Landon hissed in pain as he
rubbed the grease all over his wounds, but by the time he was finished
massaging his hands, they already looked a little bit better than they did
before. Any improvement was a victory in Esther’s mind.
As Landon laid on the couch allowing his anxiety to wash
over him, Esther sat in her swivel chair with a clipboard in her lap and a look
of concern on her middle-aged face. Her black hair showed a few streaks of
white and her sweater and slacks attire showed off her advanced age even more,
which hopefully translated into wisdom for Landon and therefore into somebody
he could trust with his woes.
Esther adjusted her thin-rimmed glasses. “So, Landon…we
talked on the phone before we made this appointment official. We bounced ideas
back and forth about what we wanted to discuss. From what I can tell, you have
no desire to relive your captivity, so that’s not a topic I’m going to dig too
deeply into. Besides, anybody within the sound of the media’s voice knows
everything they need to know about Lucy Butler’s disgusting behavior. I’m more
interested in what life has been like after Agent Frank Black rescued you and
the other boys. So…I guess my first question to you is…how are you feeling
right now? Take as much time as you need to answer that question. Go into as
much or as little detail as you’d like. This is your session, Landon. You make
the rules.”
Silence hung between them with the exception of Landon’s
deep breathing exercises, though comforting to anybody else, seemed to have
very little effect in steadying his nerves. He had been through a lot, it
seemed. “Well, Esther, I don’t think anybody really cares how I’m feeling right
now…But to answer your question…I’m exhausted…I’m tired of fighting my own
mind…But I know that if I fall asleep…I’m just going to have another nightmare
about that woman…Every time she kissed me…Every time she felt me up…The same
goddamn song over and over again…”
He sniffed a few times in between sentences and wiped a
small tear from his eye before continuing. “You know…I haven’t told anybody
this…But since we’re in therapy…Sometimes…after a really bad nightmare…where
she gets to do whatever she wants with me…I lock the door to my bedroom…draw
the curtains…take my pants off…and…and…” He wiped another tear from his eye.
Esther filled in the blanks of his statement right away and
nodded. “I see.” She wrote down on her clipboard that in addition to PTSD, he
appeared to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, hence the masturbation.
He continued. “I know I shouldn’t be doing that to her…I
hated being in her company…Every time I do it…I hate myself for it…I keep
wondering…if the ceiling fan above my room will be enough to support my
weight…”
“Landon…listen to me. I know suicide sounds tempting, but
it’s not the solution to your problems. You came here today because you wanted
relief from it all. You secretly want to live again. There’s not much life in
your eyes right now…but I can see just enough that you care deeply about your
recovery. Please reconsider.”
“I sometimes wish the kids and teachers at my school would
feel the same way…When I was rescued…I went straight back to that…school…if you
can call it that…I wasn’t ready…I never was…but I didn’t speak up…I was
expected to just soldier on like nothing happened…I wasn’t allowed to ask the
world to slow down for me…And right off the bat…everybody noticed…Everybody
knew…and they teased me for it…Called me every homophobic slur in the book…said
I should have liked being with such a sexy woman…”
“As if being beautiful excuses her appalling actions.”
“Exactly…You know…sometimes…I wish I was ugly…I wish I had a
face full of pimples…a three hundred pound beer gut…not a hair on my head…That
way…nobody would try to seduce me again…Nobody would tell me they loved me
without really meaning it…”
“Landon, I’m going to stop you right there for a moment.
There’s something you need to know about that.” Esther sighed and removed her
glasses. “How attractive you are has nothing to do with whether or not you were
molested. Do you understand? Seduction is just one of thousands of ways in
which someone can hurt you. If someone wants to hurt you badly enough, they’ll
find a way to do it. It’s not you…it’s them.”
Landon sniffled again. “Try telling that to my
ex-girlfriend.”
“You had a girlfriend?”
“I’m not sure I’d call her that, but…after I was rescued…we
went on one date together…When she asked me out…I was having a particularly
shitty day…I leaned against my locker at school just waiting for the waterworks
to come out…She could have greeted me any way she wanted to…She could have said
hi…She could have smiled at me…You know what she did?...She ran her nails down
my back…On one hand it felt like a nice massage…On the other…it reminded me too
much of Lucy…and…I ended up saying yes to her….Like I had something to prove to
all of my bullies…Like I wanted to dispel all of those times someone called me
a faggot or a queer…She said she liked me for my…’experience’…I was disgusted
with her saying that…and I said yes to her anyways…”
Esther took more notes on her clipboard after putting her
glasses back on. “How did your date go?”
“About as well as you’d expect it to…I was all numbed out…I
couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying…or what the plot of the movie
was…Hell, I couldn’t even concentrate in school…That’s why my grades look like
shit…I couldn’t even tell if me and my girl had a good time…But when it was
over…and she tried to kiss me goodnight…I freaked out…Her lips…they tasted like
Lucy’s…All of the sudden…I wasn’t seeing a blond sweetheart anymore…I saw
Lucy…I ran away from her screaming…”
“She doesn’t sound like a very considerate girlfriend to me.”
“That’s why we never saw each other again…But at school…the
gay slurs…the rape jokes…the pushes…the shoves…they started getting worse…I was
constantly throwing up in the bathroom…I was crying my eyes out when nobody
would see me…I would sometimes try to leave school on my own…But it was never
enough…You want to know why I have scars on my hands?...Because one day…after
one of those kids caught me crying…they laughed at me…and laughed…and
laughed…so I did the one thing I knew would get me kicked out of school
forever…I beat their asses…I punched them so hard their noses broke…their teeth
crunched…I kneed them in the balls…kicked them in the ribs…I just kept seeing
red…and it was glorious…It gave me the relief I needed…So beautiful…” He
punctuated that last line with a smile, giving Esther her own form of anxiety
in the pit of her stomach.
“Landon, I’m going to stop you right there for now. You look
like you need to stop as well.” Esther took her glasses off again and folded
her hands in her lap. “You sound like you’re going through some heavy mental
trauma. The lack of concentration, the nightmares, the vomiting, the lack of
eating…you can’t live like this any longer. Something has to be done about it.
I’m not going to lie to you, Landon. The road to recovery is going to be a long
one. It’s going to be tiring. And it’s also going to depend on how far you’re
willing to go to achieve your healing. Tell me, Landon…” She leaned in closer.
“What are you willing to do to make this pain go away?”
The tears came more frequently and Landon gave up on trying
to stop them. “Anything…anything at all…”
“Anything?”
“Yes, damn it, anything!”
“Good…because what I’m about to suggest to you…is so
illegal…that you can’t tell anybody about it. You can only do it while you’re
in my office. If I get caught administering this to you, I could not only go to
jail, but I’d never be able to practice medicine again, which you in turn won’t
find your healing. Are you ready?”
“I’m sick of crying all the time…I want to eat food that doesn’t
taste like my kidnapper…You’re damn right I’m ready…”
Esther pulled a key out of her pocket and unlocked a bottom
drawer before pulling out a vaping pen and handing it to Landon.
“Is this what I think it is?...You want me to smoke
marijuana?...I can’t…No, I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I was already in one prison when Lucy kidnapped
me…I don’t need to go to another for smoking pot…”
Esther leaned in closer. “Landon…you said you would do
anything for relief. You’re not going to find that relief in Xanax or
Sertraline. Marijuana has no side effects. It’s not a codependency. It actually
does its job in a quick amount of time. Landon, you’re already in a prison.
You’re a prisoner of your own mind. And that vaping pen? That’s the key to your
cell.”
“Pfft…Yeah right…”
Esther shook her head. “What happened to you, Landon? Before
you were kidnapped and molested, you raged against the machine. You told your
teachers to shove those C+’s up their asses. Where’s that rebellious spirit?”
“It’s gone, Esther. Every time I rebel against the system,
somebody gets hurt.”
“Doing nothing will get even more people hurt.”
“Maybe Lucy was right all along. Maybe mediocrity is all
I’ve got left. Maybe those C+’s on my report card…”
“Enough!” Esther interrupted. “Those C+’s and D-‘s? They’re
just letters on a piece of paper, no different from the other letters. They
don’t determine your self worth. Demonic serial killers with a fetish for bad
music don’t determine your self worth either. You do. You know you weren’t
destined for a boring life. You know deep in your heart you want to save the
world. The more you fight your rebellious urges, the stronger they become. You
may not know it right now, but the world needs your voice.”
“Tell that to the bullies at my…”
“I’m telling you!” Esther snapped. After watching Landon
jump out of his skin, she apologized and fixed her own clothing. “Landon…Lucy
Butler doesn’t love you…and those kids at school? They don’t matter. You do.
Only you get to define what love means to you. Kidnapping someone and sexually
torturing someone isn’t love. Love is free and kind, not forceful and toxic.
You know this in your heart. You still have a heart after all this time. That’s
why you’re here, to help yourself realize it. Please, Landon…you are taking a
big risk by smoking that pen…but no amount of greatness comes without
danger…You…were destined for greatness…”
Judging from the singular tear drops running down Landon’s
face, Esther had hope that she had gotten through to him. And then…he took a
puff of the pen. But when he blew out the vapors, he coughed like he was losing
a lung. Esther said, “Sorry. Takes some getting used to.”
But once the coughing was over, so was the trembling. The
tears on his cheeks were replaced by gentle redness. His once glassy eyes were
closed. His breathing was slow and relaxed instead of labored and intensive. He
seemed to sink to the leather couch in an attempt to fall asleep and hopefully
have a dream about something other than molestation.
Esther smiled. “I’m not going to ask you how you’re doing,
Landon. I already have the answer.”
“I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Pfft…Who gives a shit?”
“My next patient won’t be here for a long time. You can take
a quick nap if you’d like. I won’t mind.”
Landon was already one step ahead of her, breathing gently
and allowing his head to roll over in relaxation. If he did give a response, it
was jumbled and incoherent. Esther patted him on the head before sneaking out
of her office and shushing her secretary.
By the time Esther went outside, the downpour had stopped
and the sun was out. But for how long? Long enough for Esther to finally smoke
that cigarette she earned. She pulled out a Camel and lit it with a match
before taking a few drags. Like Landon with his vaping pen, Esther too relaxed
as she leaned against the brick building. But at the same time, she looked at
her cigarette with mild disgust.
“Don’t ever smoke these, Landon. We need that voice of yours
to be as loud as possible…”
