Zoe Bee: School Is Over, But Learning Never Ends

 

Mary Shelley: Matriarch of Science Fiction (Happy International Women's Day!)

 

I know I accidentally made her look like J.K. Rowling, but trust me, that's Mary Shelley. History owes her a debt of gratitude. Everyone else owes J.K. Rowling a middle finger.

Wooden Puppet Man

INTRO DIALOGUE
You know…I figured something out today…The reason why thin is in…is because the lighter you are…the easier it is to carry you on puppet strings…It all makes sense now…

VERSE 1
You dance on the stage
And live in a cage
Like a wooden puppet man!
Nose grows when you lie
Kiss innocence goodbye
Like a wooden puppet man!
Hand goes up your ass
You’re obedient in class
Like a wooden puppet man!
Ventriloquism
Sadomasochism
Like a wooden puppet man!

CHORUS
Slice through your strings
It’s your own song to sing
Listen closely to your heart
I think it needs a restart

VERSE 2
You’re not made of flesh
But your wounds are fresh
Like a wooden puppet man!
Can’t wipe your own ass
Without a hall pass
Like a wooden puppet man!
Can’t spend your own money
Can’t sex up your honey
You’re just a wooden puppet man!
Where’s all the appeal?
Short end of the deal
You’re just a wooden puppet man!

CHORUS
Slice through your strings
It’s your own song to sing
Listen closely to your heart
I think it needs a restart

BRIDGE
When you wish upon the rings of Saturn
You’d better make it fucking matter
When you wish upon the sands of Mars
Don’t let them dictate who you are
When you wish upon the flames of Venus
You’re the one who makes the edict
When you wish upon the shithole of Earth
Get out of your coffin and rise from the dirt

FINAL VERSE
From the moment of birth
You know your own worth
You’re not a wooden puppet man
There’s a steep price to pay
If you give it all away
Don’t be a wooden puppet man

High School Dreams

It’s hard to believe that I graduated from high school way back in 2003. And yet, the past refuses to rest in its shallow grave. Of all the dreams I’ve had in my adult life, going back to school is the most common. According to Dream Moods, going back to high school suggests inadequacy. I’ve graduated from college in 2009, but I haven’t been able to find a career that will make me independent.

So what do I have now? Dreams where I’m trying to figure out what grades I got by logging onto the school website, but I forgot my username and password. I’ve also had dreams where I go to school completely naked. Despite my overweight frame, nobody seems to notice or otherwise care.

And then there are those really interesting dreams where I sign up for a math or science class and I’m in danger of failing, so I drop out with a W for a grade. English literature, on the other hand, I have no problem with. I read the books and complete the assignments in a timely fashion, so my teachers couldn’t be happier with me.

Here’s a weird one for you: going to gym class and forgetting my exercise clothes only to have a fellow student buy them for me at the student store. I’m forever in that kid’s debt.

But sometimes school can’t last forever (bummer). Sometimes I have to ride the bus home…and then a foot ferry…and then a military grade submarine…and then an airplane. Did I leave anything out? How about me going to school in a really tiny building, almost microscopic. And then once I get to class, I try to find a seat, but all the desks and seats have graffiti on them.

There are a lot of different ways for a subconscious to tell a guy how inadequate he really is. Is there something else my brain is trying to tell me? Do I really need a reminder of how I’ve only made a 60 cent profit this entire time of selling my writing? Do I really need the point driven home that I couldn’t even make it as a library scientist (because they wouldn’t hire me in the first place)? Do I need to be told over and over again how all of my work experience has been voluntary?

Not everybody’s life can be rainbows and skittles. Very few people can say they’re part of the 1%. Should they start having high school dreams too? What exactly constitutes success? Money? Fame? Happiness?

I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but if my subconscious is going to keep throwing these high school dreams at me, it should at least have the decency to provide me with honest answers about myself. And if my subconscious doesn’t have all the answers, who does, and is this person within reach? So many questions, not enough answers. It’s the story of my life, even when I was still going to high school.

　

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’ve been doing some web design.”

-Peter Parker aka Spiderman from “The Amazing Spiderman 2”-

Multiple Readings

Here’s something I may never understand: why is it that people like to say that they’re going to read a particular book more than once? They say things like “I like it so much that I can’t wait to read it again!” While lip service to a good book is admirable, I have to ask why someone would go to these extremes. You have to understand that while reading is an enjoyable hobby for a lot of people, it’s also hard work. It’s like a marine saying that he wants to go through boot camp again because he got such a great workout from the obstacle courses. While reading isn’t nearly as torturous as running an obstacle course at five in the morning, it still takes a great deal of effort and dedication to do. I loved reading “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky, but I don’t need to read it twice in order to prove my devotion to the author or his work. Another issue I have with the idea of multiple readings is that once you read a book, you already know what happens and the element of surprise is spoiled. When I read a book, I’m already resigned to the idea that everything will be okay by the story’s end. For me, it’s not so much IF a happy ending occurs, it’s HOW. All of these problems have to have some kind of solution, preferably one I didn’t think of beforehand. If I was to read “Pipsqueak” by Brian M. Wiprud a second time, I would already know how Garth Carson and his kin defeat the cultists. For the sake of making you all buy your own damn copies of the book, I won’t spoil the ending for anybody. That’s one of the points of reading: to find out what happens. Sure, you could skip to the back of the book and find out that way, but where’s the adventure and sense of accomplishment in that? You know why we have a website called Good Reads? So that people can go online and brag about the books they’ve read in the past. How exactly are you going to earn your bragging rights if you skip to the back of the book like a cheater? And just so you know, Good Reads doesn’t have a place on your “To-Read” list for how many times you’ve read a book, so I guess it’s not that honorable after all. I have over 60 books on my “To-Read” list and they’re all sitting on my bookshelf here at home. How exactly are all 60 plus books going to get read if I’m stuck on “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” or “Pipsqueak” indefinitely? Seems like a waste of money to just let those books sit in queue like that. You want to know what I’m really trying to say here? Actually, I don’t have much to say, just something to ask. Why on earth would someone want to read a book more than once (aside from not completing it the first time and forgetting what happened)?

　

***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it [on Good Reads].”

-Bertrand Russell-

Mean Businesses

It seems as though every time someone enters a job that involves celebrity status of some kind, there’s always somebody telling them that whatever they’re getting into is a “mean business”. I can understand why someone would say those words about MMA, wrestling, or any other athletic activity: there’s a lot of testosterone flying around and raging criticism is bound to happen. But why exactly would something like literature or movies be considered “mean businesses”? Let’s be honest: it doesn’t take a whole lot of hateful aggression to read a book or to watch a movie. I’ll tell you where the term “mean business” comes from. It comes from the idea that just because we live in a democratic society, it automatically grants us the right to be a verbal bully. In America, that right is documented under the first amendment of the constitution. Freedom of speech is good to have, but when the mediums we love turn into “mean businesses”, that’s when things get out of control quickly. If you need proof, just watch an episode of TMZ. They’re always getting a chuckle out of a celebrity being too fat for her bikini or saying something slightly off-color. If you need further proof, look no further than the Sunday morning newspaper, where a critic will rip a book to shreds in more ways than one. When did it become acceptable to be spiteful people? I will admit that I get caught up in the moment as well when it comes to joining the “mean business” politics. In fact, I’ve been very vocal against the Republican Party for their role in the current government shutdown going on. It’s well documented that I receive disability payments and food stamps due to my schizophrenia and autism. What everyone here may not know is that my mother works for the Environmental Protection Agency and is the biggest source of income my immediate family has. Naturally, I was furious with the Republicans, but only because lives are on the line during a government shutdown. I don’t really see how someone writing an awful book constitutes the right to be an asshole about it. I wasn’t a big fan of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, but I would never under any circumstances dance on Stiegg Larsson’s grave because of it. The first amendment has way too much room for abuse. Isn’t that right, Fred Phelps? All I’m asking from the celebrity sphere is, can we all just calm the fuck down for the first time in our lives? I’m not saying you have to wear yoga pants and yell out “Namaste” every time somebody passes you on the streets. I’m just saying that killing a Twilight fan for being of the wrong side of the Jacob-Edward spectrum is a TAD bit extreme.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call two gay Vikings?

A: Leif partners.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” is the main reason why I consider Sherman Alexie to be one of my personal influences. I’d like to read more work from this wonderful author, but I don’t know where to continue. But for now, consider this book to be one of the fastest and most enjoyable ones you’ll ever read. In this piece of autobiographical fiction, an Indian teenager named Arnold Spirit describes his dismal life of being bullied around on the Indian reservation in Spokane, Washington and how he went to an all-white school to get away from that. Just from this synopsis alone, you’d probably guess that there’s a lot of heartache for the reader to empathize with. But with every piece of heartache, there’re also some giggly moments. In fact, when a reviewer once said that he was “laughing while his heart was breaking”, I thought to myself that I couldn’t have said it better. One of my favorite lines in the whole book is when Arnold says, “It’s like stomping on the backs of baby seals on the way to the beach to protest seal clubbing.” I can’t remember what exactly it was he was describing, but it’s one of the giggly moments that you can enjoy while maintaining a quick flow. It made me wonder if having comedy increases the pace of the writing. It was certainly true for Carl Hiaasen’s work and “Napalm and Silly Putty” by George Carlin, so maybe that’s one of the reasons for Sherman Alexie’s breakneck pace. I’ll even go so far as to say that it doesn’t matter if you’re laughing like a hyena or smiling a Mona Lisa smile, because you won’t want to put the book down if you’re having a good time. It might also help if you the reader can relate to some of the themes of this book such as bullying, being in love, poverty, death, and friendship. While nobody could be compared to Arnold Spirit, you’ll still have plenty of reason to cheer him on as the story progresses. If you’re a writer and you need inspiration for whatever market you’re catering to, buy a copy of “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian”. Or if you just want to cry and laugh at the same time, that’s perfectly alright as well.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Mr. Anderson is a real TNA-hole.

Introduction

My name is Garrison Haines-Temons. I’m a 2009 graduate of Western Washington University with a Bachelor’s in English. Having said that, I didn’t actually become an avid bookworm until just before my final quarter of school. Up until that point, I preferred movies over books. My reasoning for this was that books took too long to read and I wasn’t known for my patience. Ever since I picked up “The Cleaner” by Brett Battles in June 2009, I was still impatient, but the only thing that changed was that I discovered that books dictate their own pace. The books I read in college had very slow paces due to their heavy descriptions and uninteresting subject matter. Therefore, I made it a rule to only read books that dictate a moderate to quick pace. If I have to spend five minutes on one single page, that’s a sign that I’m not going to enjoy what I read. If the author takes multiple pages to describe one single action, that’s another sign of a boring book. I’m not a fan of Stephen King’s work, I rest my case. Carl Hiaasen and Bentley Little? Those are a pair of authors I can lend my support to. This entire blog will consist of book recommendations to you, my wonderful audience, based on their pacing and genre. You won’t see too many multi-layered works here, because they tend to be slow reads that drag on until eternity. Genre literature is more my style. One last thing before I end this introductory post: impatient reading is a style, not a flaw. I heard someone say that and I couldn’t agree more. I’d like to thank the people who spread that philosophy as well as the guy who started that quote. Now then, let’s get started!
　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Drugs have done good things for us, I really believe that. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor: go home tonight, take all your albums, all your CD’s, all your tapes, and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians who made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrreally fucking high on drugs!”

-Bill Hicks-