Glitch McConnell, I Mean, Moscow Mitch, I Mean, Old Age Mutant Ninja Turtle, I Mean...Fuck It!

 

Article

(Sarcastic parody of pop science.)

VERSE 1

Ninety percent of drinks are made with Xantham Gum

I don’t even know where that terminology comes from

All I know is that it could lead to the biggest stroke

Even though this article was probably written as a joke

CHORUS

I read an article on the internet X4

VERSE 2

Eighty percent of fat people are going to die

The rest of us are immortal; why would the article lie?

People who eat kale are going to live forever

The rest of the population will always say never

The sample size is only about thirty-five people

Yet we assume all humans are created equal

The results have been skewed in our own favor

Because avocado butter is the new life saver

CHORUS

I read an article on the internet X4

VERSE 3

The internet sheeple hang on every word we say

Because they don’t get their news any other way

Seventy percent of assholes in laboratory coats

Are trustworthy enough to dispel any single hoax

A hundred percent of people who blindly follow

Have toothpick spines and skulls that are hollow

Science is a business, everything we say is true

Farting cures cancer and even the moody blues

EXTENDED CHORUS

I read an article on the internet

I read with undivided interest

I believed it like I was in a cult

I bought everything they sold

I read an article on a website

I eat seaweed every damn night

I drink smoothies made of fish cum

At least it doesn’t have Xantham Gum

Pills

CHORUS 1

Pills, pills, they’re good for your brain!

Keeping your ass from going insane!

Pills, pills, they’re good for your boner!

Keeping your ass from being a loner!

Pills, pills, they’re good for your heart!

Keeping it from being torn apart!

Pills, pills, come and get some!

The side effects are so much fun!

VERSE 1

Ask your doctor if it’s right for you

Ask your lawyer if you should sue

Ask your banker if you need a loan

Ask your therapist if you’re all alone

Ask your family for a helping hand

Ask your shelter for food that’s canned

So many questions that need to be answered

Side effects include diarrhea and cancer

CHORUS 2

Pills, pills, they’re good for your soul!

So what if you feel empty and cold?!

Pills, pills, they’re good for your penis!

Make it so big, it’s seen from Venus!

Pills, pills, they’re good for your liver!

So what if they make you vomit and quiver?!

Pills, pills, come get a prescription!

Fighting yourself is a war of attrition!

VERSE 2

Don’t take the pills if you want to live

Another prescription to write and give

Side effects may include a big ass stroke

This is all just a prank; it’s all just a joke

We love watching you shiver and fall

We don’t care which lawyer you call

We’ve got more power than a mighty king

With our kind of money, we can do anything

CHORUS 3

Pills, pills, take them for thrills!

Who cares about the pile of medical bills!

Pills, pills, to worsen your ills!

We are the ones who legally kill!

Pills, pills, come get your fill!

Whine all about it on Dr. Phil!

We’re the doctors, we own your ass!

A gallbladder stone is what you’ll pass!

VERSE 3

They could be labeled with an E or V

Swallow them all with sadistic glee

Taste the rainbow like a bag of Skittles

Use your hard-on before it gets little

FINAL LINE

Ask your doctor if Bullshitlexia is right for you.