Article

(Sarcastic parody of pop science.)

VERSE 1

Ninety percent of drinks are made with Xantham Gum

I don’t even know where that terminology comes from

All I know is that it could lead to the biggest stroke

Even though this article was probably written as a joke

CHORUS

I read an article on the internet X4

VERSE 2

Eighty percent of fat people are going to die

The rest of us are immortal; why would the article lie?

People who eat kale are going to live forever

The rest of the population will always say never

The sample size is only about thirty-five people

Yet we assume all humans are created equal

The results have been skewed in our own favor

Because avocado butter is the new life saver

CHORUS

I read an article on the internet X4

VERSE 3

The internet sheeple hang on every word we say

Because they don’t get their news any other way

Seventy percent of assholes in laboratory coats

Are trustworthy enough to dispel any single hoax

A hundred percent of people who blindly follow

Have toothpick spines and skulls that are hollow

Science is a business, everything we say is true

Farting cures cancer and even the moody blues

EXTENDED CHORUS

I read an article on the internet

I read with undivided interest

I believed it like I was in a cult

I bought everything they sold

I read an article on a website

I eat seaweed every damn night

I drink smoothies made of fish cum

At least it doesn’t have Xantham Gum