Toll Free Call

VERSE 1

It’s a toll free call in a free country

Please give us all of your hush money

Don’t lawyer up or try anything funny

Or we’ll be Elmer Fudd to your Bugs Bunny

VERSE 2

It’s a toll free call from Synchrony Bank

“Of course!” said a Young Turk named Cenk

Preying on the poor like it’s some kind of war

It’s really getting old, let’s go ahead and snore

VERSE 3

It’s a toll free call from Washington State

The kind that will stimulate your rage and hate

Don’t you wish you could reach through the phone

And snap the robo caller’s pencil neck bone?

VERSE 4

It’s a toll free call from the Russian president

Or a North Korean dictator that hell has sent

Or a Saudi Arabian prince who wants to convince

You to vote against your wishes in words not minced

VERSE 5

Rip the goddamn cable right out of the wall

And never ever get another toll free call

Tell your phone company they can suck a big one

If they want to go to war, then have some bloody fun

The Shape of Water

MOVIE TITLE: The Shape of Water

DIRECTOR: Guillermo Del Toro

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Dark Fantasy Romance

RATING: R for sexual content, language, and violence

GRADE: Pass

During the Cold War in 1960’s America, Elisa Esposito is a lonely, mute janitor at a top secret military base whose only true friends in the world are a fellow janitor named Zelda and a gay advertising artist named Giles. Elisa finds additional friendship in the unlikeliest place when the military captures a South American merman and keeps him in captivity for the purpose of sending him into space. The more time Elisa spends with the merman, the more she identifies with him since they both communicate in strange ways and are both outcasts in their respective worlds. Her eventual plan is to break the sea creature out of captivity before he can be tortured any further for “scientific reasons”.

The fact that any movie can introduce a romantic plot to us without sounding like a shallow Harlequin romance novel is always impressive to me. As strange as it may seem, Elisa and the merman are perfect for each other. Nobody in the world understands them. Few people want to be within arm’s length of them. They may not be beautiful to the superficial population at large, but they’re beautiful to each other and that’s what true love is all about. They don’t need to argue with each other over stupid things. They don’t need to fight over pretentious jealousy. While those last two things are realistic in most relationships, they’re not found in this love story, because we all know at the end of the day such petty things are foolish anyways. Let this delightfully unique couple enjoy their moments together.

On the opposite end of the love spectrum, you have a vile and disgusting villain named Colonel Richard Strickland. As the chief bad guy, he’s believable in every sense of the word. His dialogue is slick and hard-boiled without dipping into bathos territory. His obsession with defeating the Russians in the space race will lead him to do and say horrible things to get what he wants. His methods of torture are brutal even by pre-Bush Administration standards. When he psychotically breaks down, you’d better run like you’ve got rocket fuel pouring out of your butt. Although, I don’t know how much good running will do considering he’s driving around in a smug teal Cadillac. The worst part about him? He’s in a position of power and can throw it around whenever he wants. If it wasn’t for all that power, he would have been taken out long before the movie even had the chance to start.

While this movie is deserving of all of its Academy Award nominations and victories, it’s not without flaws (at least for me). The opening exposition into the movie’s plot seemed a little slower than it had any right to be. The merman devouring an innocent kitty was disturbing as hell (I get that he’s a wild creature, but it knocks a few points down for him as a lover). Those two flaws may seem like small potatoes on the surface, but one series of scenes that sticks out to me is when Giles’s art is turned down by his boss and he’s banned from a pie café by the homophobic and racist owner. Before these two scenes happened, Elisa wanted to recruit Giles in breaking the merman free from the military base and he was adamantly against it. Now that Giles is friendless, only then does he want to get back in the good graces of Elisa. That’s like a high school kid who rejects his uncool friends in favor of the popular jocks, gets kicked out by said jocks, and then tries to get his uncool friends back. I know this series of scenes was necessary in Giles’s character development, but they still seemed a little suspect to me.

All in all, The Shape of Water is a cinematic masterpiece that earned all of its universal acclaim. The acting was spot-on. The plot was unique. The cinematography was breathtaking. And yes, there are sex scenes in this movie that are quite lovely, but that by no means makes The Shape of Water pornographic. These scenes have a purpose in developing characters and actually get us past their surface levels. If you get a chance to see this movie, do it. You’ll have no regrets and will have to dig deep to find flaws (like I did). How does a passing grade sound to everybody here?

I'm an American

CHORUS

I’m an AmeriCAN, not an AmeriDON’T X4

VERSE 1

I don’t need the police to tell me how to eat

If it’s a candy bar or a mountain of meat

Chewing on the treat with my mouth wide open

You can do nothing about it, just remain stoic

Will you make an arrest for the way I eat?

Surrender my ass to the nearest precinct?

Good luck finding a jury who gives a shit

Good luck finding a judge who cares just a bit

CHORUS

I’m an AmeriCAN, not an AmeriDON’T X4

VERSE 2

I don’t need the law to tell me how to dress

I have no responsibilities or people to impress

Sweatpants and Pink Floyd shirts are my style

Take selfies and post them online for a while

Will you put cuffs on me for the way I dress?

Did you actually pass the fucking bar test?

Good luck finding a jury who’ll find me guilty

Good luck finding a judge with a heart so chilly

CHORUS

I’m an AmeriCAN, not an AmeriDON’T X4

BRIDGE

This is America, not North Korea

This is free speech, not verbal diarrhea

This is free expression, not acting like a clown

This is America, not Putin’s hometown

VERSE 3

I’m not a member of the Washington Bar

But I know your case won’t go very far

Nothing illegal about chewing like a beast

Nothing immoral about sweatpants in the least

The case is closed, just like your mind

A not guilty verdict is what the jury finds

You wasted the taxpayers’ time and money

In the land of opportunity, milk, and honey

CHORUS

I’m an AmeriCAN, not an AmeriDON’T X4

All the Same

(In the style of “Like Me and You” by Raffi)

Farage lives in England

Sarkozy lives in France

Harper lives in Canada

Putin lives in Russia

Kim-Jong lives in Korea

Trump lives in America

Christie lives in New Jersey

Scott lives in Florida

Walker lives in Wisconsin

Paul lives in Kentucky

Perry lives in Texas

Bush lives in dystopia

And each one is exactly the same

They bring the world so much shame

They’re the ones we ought to blame

For shit going up in flames

WWE Payback: John Cena vs. Rusev

MATCH: John Cena vs. Rusev in an “I Quit” match for Cena’s United States Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).

To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.

By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.

The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.

And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!

The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.

Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.

The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.

As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.

The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!

The Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club

TEAM NAME: The Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club
CANON: Ode to Jeffrey Dahmer


NAME: Otis Norman
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Unemployed


NAME: Courtney Robyn
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Unemployed


There once was a time during the life of Garrison’s Library that I would blog about weird dreams I had. My blog was a place for creative fuel of all kinds, dreams being no exception. The reason I don’t do it anymore is because those small bursts of creative fuel usually don’t lead anywhere. They’re just a sequence of weird events that have no application to real life. And thus, we have a short story called Ode to Jeffrey Dahmer, where a psychopathic couple go on a rampage in the name of the same serial killer they worship so much. It was a short story so nonsensical that it was eventually dumped when I had to choose stories to publish in American Darkness.

Close your eyes and let me paint a picture for you of the two sole members of the Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club. If at any time you feel like you’re having an acid trip, you probably are and you should call 911, if not for yourself, then for Otis and Courtney. The two of them are unemployed, broke, and about to get kicked out of their poorly kept apartment. So what do they do about their economic situation? They start off by sneaking into an old man’s neighboring apartment and stealing clothes that would make Otis look like Jeffrey Dahmer: a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and a fedora. Whether or not Jeffrey Dahmer actually wore those things is something that boggles my mind to this day.

Otis and Courtney hold hands together and skip down the stairs and toward their car like a couple in love. Not that two serial killer worshipers know anything about love, but who’s keeping score here? They get in their car and speed away before their landlord has a chance to harass them about rent money. During this million mile per hour chase down the streets and on the freeway, they cause so many accidents that they could be accused of committing genocide. That’s a lot of dead bodies and not enough morgues and graveyards to fill them. The cops couldn’t pull the couple over because the police too were involved in these horrendous and lethal accidents.

The reckless driving and the psychotic laughter was all for the purpose of going to the airport and sneaking on an airline flight to Moscow, Russia. Why are they going to Russia? To celebrate Halloween, of course. I know Russia is a mostly conservative country, so they probably don’t take Halloween as seriously as they would in, say, New Orleans. I’m not sure, because I didn’t research this, which is another mistake I made when writing Ode to Jeffrey Dahmer.

By the time Otis and Courtney hit the streets of Moscow, prostitutes and partygoers were hitting on Otis because of his Jeffrey Dahmer clothing. There was even a swarm of women who pulled him inside a nightclub while leaving a jealous Courtney out on the streets to freeze to death. She was so bitter and angry that she engaged in revenge sex with an entire hockey team. Otis found out what his girlfriend was doing, so he vomited his teeth into a garbage can. The story ended with Courtney sarcastically wishing her now ex-boyfriend a Happy Halloween.

Now do you know why Otis Norman and Courtney Robyn are unemployed? It’s not because I don’t have a use for psychotic characters. It’s because the story they were a part of didn’t make a goddamn lick of sense. Of course, nobody told me that I could have merely manipulated the details of my dream to fit a traditional narrative style. Imagine that: I can actually embellish details of my dreams! Who would’ve thunk it? But I’d better be careful, because the same people who sabotaged James Frey could sabotage me for being a big fucking liar! Cue the eye rolls.

The choice of clothing for Otis is also something I’d like to carry on should I use him or Courtney again. The Hawaiian shirt and fedora look is something currently being used by WWE wrestler Bray Wyatt, who coincidentally enough has the gimmick of a backwoods cult master. Does Otis Norman have what it takes to be a cultist? Absolutely. He’s the president of the Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club, for shit’s sake. For all we know, Courtney Robyn could be his deacon. Or his altar girl, depending on how sick he can actually be. With so much potential surrounding a creepy cultist gimmick, it won’t be long before Otis and Courtney find work again. Hell, I already wrote a short poem about them. But they can do more. They certainly can do more.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

(RE: Paige licking her face.)

“You don’t have to sexually harass me in order to have a good match with me!”

-Natalya from “Total Divas”-