Doug Martinez from 311 (I Purposefully Left the "SA" Out of His Name For Obvious Reasons)

 

Purity test this, pretty boys.

Cinnabrit & Bonnie Rabbit: Getters of Coin

 

Get that coin, ladies! We all know that YouTube's algorithm was built by horndogs.

Brett Kavanaugh: The DUI Hire of The Supreme Court

 

I won't worry if Brett Kavanaugh tries to sue me for libel. He won't make a convincing argument to the jury, because he'll be hammered the entire time and he'll slur his words beyond recognition.

Tom Powell, Jr. vs. Aaron Pendergraph: Court Battle of the Ages

 

If Aaron Pendergraph threatens to sue you, just ignore him. He's all sizzle and no steak, all icing and no cake. Actually, he did have a cake, but he used cocaine instead of baking flour, so I wouldn't eat it if I were you.

Revenge Against the Innocent

VERSE 1

Getting laid off at work makes you go berserk

And then a minor inconvenience turns you into a jerk

A tender voice says, “Daddy?”, you scream, “WHAT?!”

Call your daughter every slur from bitch to slut

She runs to bed crying while your self-esteem is dying

Nobody’s on your side, they had no choice but to hide

A raging ball of fire launched from the depths of hell

Leaves your heart seizing up and no one to wish you well

 

CHORUS

Revenge against the innocent, it sounds so ignorant

They committed no crimes, yet they’re on borrowed time

Before a nervous breakdown or a violent takedown

Revenge against the innocent, you’re absurd and insolent

 

VERSE 2

Your nuclear family had a nuclear explosion

Of every single tearful and screaming emotion

Hey, don’t complain, you’re the one who pressed the button

You always had the launch codes, so keep on truckin’

Couldn’t pay for therapy with a bleeding bank account

Inflation raised the price to a ridiculous amount

Credit cards can’t help, lenders hand you the shovel

And you can’t say, “I’m sorry” with an invisible muzzle

 

CHORUS

Revenge against the innocent, it sounds so ignorant

They committed no crimes, yet they’re on borrowed time

Before a nervous breakdown or a violent takedown

Revenge against the innocent, you’re absurd and insolent

 

VERSE 3

Fifty-one-fifty, free room and board

And all the cigarettes you could possibly hoard

I’m making this place sound just like a prison

But you know damn well they’ve got the same system

Seventy-two hours without a warm shower

Piss and moan all you want, but there’s no people-power

Your daughter’s grown up and got her own wedding flowers

She broke the cycle, her love is stronger than a tower

 

OUTRO

This could have been avoided, nulled, and voided

If you didn’t let your anger turn into a Big Banger

Cosmic explosion that pissed off the universe

Now you’ve got no ride home except the back of a hearse

Glenn Jacobs, formerly known as Kane in WWE, currently known as the scourge of Knox County

 

Karoline Leavitt Has Some Thoughts (LOL) About Voter's Rights

 

Benjaman Cooley, Sad Boy POV Character from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Arne Lindemann: Abusive Psych Ward Orderly from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Greg Abbott: Governor of Texass (That's Not a Typo)

 

Safeway vs. Twitter: What Is a Marketplace?

 

The Pinnacle of Human Beauty

 

We All Know What Facebook's Laugh React Is Really For

 

Apolo Dominici, Non-Mediocre Comedian from "When They Go Low, Punch Lower"

 

Anne Wheatstone, Hoity-Toity Matriarch from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Valenceo Styler, flashy heel wrestler from "Seven Star Reads"

 

I Want My Hobbies Back

VERSE 1

Laying in bed staring into outer space

No life in my eyes, ‘cause the life went to waste

Lips are too heavy to lift for a smile

Haven’t left the bed for a long-ass while

Arm is too weak to give the cat pettings

Only reason to get up is to avoid bedwetting

This would be a hell of a time for a hobby

But my brain is soup, primordial and sloppy

 

VERSE 2

Every song I listen to has an extra singer

One blasting the lyrics, one pointing the fingers

Call me every slur that’s ever been used

By every abuser who was once abused

Every story I write has an extra villain

That genocides my joy, laughs at the killing

Every videogame that I’ve tried to beat

Hit the Game Over screen looped on repeat

 

CHORUS

I want my hobbies back

I feel like I’m on crack

An LSD flashback

A poisoned bottle of Jack

I never touched the drugs

My brain don’t give a fuck

I’m high as hell anyway

Pretty much every day

 

VERSE 3

My dopamine supply is always running dry

Yet I couldn’t get a tear to drop from my eyes

Porn addiction is my only prescription

To medicate myself in this world called hell

Refraction periods are overrated

When a million orgasms leave you sedated

Couldn’t get real sex with my personality

It drained away with my social battery

 

CHORUS X2

I want my hobbies back

I feel like I’m on crack

An LSD flashback

A poisoned bottle of Jack

I never touched the drugs

My brain don’t give a fuck

I’m high as hell anyway

Pretty much every day

 

OUTRO

You couldn’t call it highway robbery

Too fucked up to drive, mental sodomy

All my potential stolen without a reason

Food for thought rotted before it was eaten

I was too threatening to the new world order

Because how dare my heart break for kids dead at the border?!

How dare my soul hurt for children raped by priests?!

How dare I ask for fairness and justice for the weak?!

Shut Up, Bitch!

“We’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors…”

 

Is it Red Fin or Rent Fin?

An intellectual sedative

For your inbred relatives

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

I have a structured settlement

Judge called it embezzlement

Defendant’s out of his element

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

Ask your doctor if it’s right

To take Ozempic every night

Belly fades out of sight

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

We’ve got all your favorite songs

To sell our corporate wrongs

Profits looking pretty strong

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

It’s a blanket with sleeves

You’ll never attract thieves

Just a pervert with fleas

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

Smoking cigarettes will kill you

Funeral home will bill you

Our commercials make you ill, dude

 

SHUT UP, BITCH!

 

Commercials used to be funny, now they’ve lost all charisma

Mediocrity takes over and it’s not an enigma

The richer you get, the less competition

Will make you reach beyond your greatest ambitions

Get lazy on the sofa then project onto the workers

They should be forming a union, but all they want is murder

Why up your game when they’re fighting each other?

Sit back, relax, and watch them killing their brothers

Leanne Silverwood, Shawnita's Classmate from "The Accusers"

 

Brutus Rager, Pro-Wrestler Turned Dirt Sheet Journalist from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Mickie James: Ironically Sex Negative

 

Code Miko vs. Milton from Wayne's World 2 (Rest in Peace, Chris Farley)

 

Matt Riddle: The Reason We're #SpeakingOut

 

Kurt Angle: Honorary Five-Star Wrestler

 

The Undertaker: the Whole Reason the OK Boomer Meme Exists

 

Zune Koga's Cursed Monster Form

 

Zune Koga, Megan's Barbaric Love Interest from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

Shawnita Gilmour, Pet Project for the Titular "Accusers"

 

Razor Ripley, James Gaines's Advisor from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Ozzie the Wise, Dementia-Stricken Wizard from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Megan Storm, Lovesick Waitress from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

Magnum Goldlust, Cooking Classmate from "The Accusers"

 

Lucy the Hammer, Squadron Soldier from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Lovelyn LaPierre, Evil Sorceress from "The Meat Squadron"

 

Loki the Skull, Bodily Vessel for Harrison Gaines's Ghost in "Rainbow Ranch"

 

"Curb Stomp" Kirby Lawler, Axle's Enforcer from "The Accusers"

 

Jimmy London, Trickster from "Down"

 

Jamee Franzen, Cooking Classmate from "The Accusers"

 

ingrid Zane, Bounty Huntress from "Down"

 

Eden Hodges, Evil Witch from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

Dolores Mackey, Daniel Rush's Live-In Girlfriend from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Diana Romanova, Succubus Bounty Head from "Down"

 

Daniel Rush, Office Jockey from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Connor Stone, Evil CEO from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Carlena Palmore, Vulgar Cheerleader from "Just Pearly Clutching"

 

Those are lyrics from "Stroke Me" by Mickey Avalon, which samples "The Stroke" by Billy Squier.

Callie the Wildfire, Ozzie's Ex-Lover from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Beverlie LaPain, Shawnita's High School Sweetheart from "The Accusers"

 

Axle Whiterock, Patriarch of the Titular Cult "The Accusers"

 

Armando Trenton, Bounty Hunter from "Down"

 

Anjelina Bastille, War Priestess from "The Meat Squadron"

 

Upcoming Character Drawings

Well…you guys saw my political cartoons and hopefully you’ve enjoyed them so far. Now I’m going to start uploading drawings of my characters, particularly ones who will appear in my two novelette collections Lysergic Fairytales and Tacky Tuesday. When I’ll finish the damn stories, I’ll never know, because schizophrenia’s been fucking with my energy and my general wellbeing. I’m drawing characters as a way of keeping hope alive. I will finish my writing someday, even if I have to take forever to mentally heal. Until then…meet the cast and crew!

Bad Bunny: the Source of Toilet Paper USA's Trauma

 

Show Me on the Doll...

 

I personally don't listen to Bad Bunny's music or watch football, but I don't need Toilet Paper USA to coddle me like they do with racist assholes.

Orange Cassidy (AEW) X Vic Joseph (WWE): It Should Be Called NXXXT

 

If you've ever wondered why Booker T won Worst Television Announcer in the Wrestling Observer awards in 2024 and 2025, it's because he constantly sounds like he's having an orgasm at the announce desk. Stephanie Vaquer would have gotten over regardless, because she's a star.