The Pinnacle of Human Beauty

 

Game of Chicken: Chicago

 

Plot twist: he's actually from Honolulu. Or Los Angeles. Or he's an expatriate living in Mexico City. Or he has a work visa for Calgary.

Jeff Foxworthy: "You might be transgender if..."

 

I got this idea from a community post on Conure's YouTube channel. If you like left-wing streamers and you don't want to thumb your nose at them just because video essays exist, you might want to check Conure out. They use any and all pronouns. They're making it so easy for you, it's impossible to mess up, yet conservatives will still find a reason to be pissed off like a bunch of babies.

St. Anger for President!

 

Serj Tankian from System of a Down vs. Kid Rock

 

Cletus the Straw Hat Strawman

 

"The Liberal Redneck Manifesto" by Trae Crowder, Corey Ryan Forrester, and Drew Morgan

BOOK TITLE: The Liberal Redneck Manifesto: Draggin’ Dixie Outta the Dark

AUTHORS: Trae Crowder, Corey Ryan Forrester, and Drew Morgan

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Political Comedy

GRADE: Extra Credit

To an outsider, the American deep south represents everything wrong with the country today whether it’s bigotry, ignorance, or lewd behavior. After reading this book, you’ll find out firsthand that it’s far from the truth. Even I had negative feelings toward the south once upon a time. And then this book came along and gave me a lifelong education worth more than college tuition that no millennial can afford. The problems in the south are nuanced and complex whether it’s poverty, drug addiction, religious zeal, or anything else that rightwing politicians and pundits have purposefully imposed upon it. Nobody wants the south to be in that much trouble, least of all the citizens themselves. For all the negative things I’ve said about that region, I humbly apologize. That’s what this book means to me and that’s part of the reason why I’m giving it a five star review. I always appreciate having my eyes forced wide open…even if the tough love is tougher than a two dollar steak.

Even though this book is categorized as humor, it does have one chapter that almost brought me to tears: Pillbillies. It describes how Purdue Pharmaceuticals aggressively advertised heroin-like pain pills to the south and now addiction has become a national epidemic. The part where Trae Crowder talks passionately about his mother being a pillhead who ruined the family’s life is what hit me the hardest. She would lie, steal, and end up in prison many times before she got clean and sober and even then she was still on thin ice with her son. I used to know somebody who was addicted to drugs and was probably just as dishonest as Trae’s mother. The two of us haven’t spoken to each other for years and that’s how I’d like for it to be. But then Trae has a moment of warmth where he’s more forgiving of addicts because the circumstances that got them addicted were beyond their control. Will I ever forgive my former friend? Only time will tell, but Trae’s story along with his political analysis gave me lots to think about. I like being able to think critically, in case you couldn’t tell.

For all of the dark stuff the south is unfairly stereotyped for, there are times in this book where it feels like a fun place to live. Partying hard to passionate music, shooting guns (responsibly), and best of all, eating the best-tasting food on the planet. Barbecued ribs, salty steak, sweet potato pie, mmm-mmm-mmm! Of course, eating all of that delicious food uncontrollably will lead to diabetes and other health problems, as Trae Crowder will point out with his own experiences as a fat kid. But that’s the redneck way of life: they don’t do anything halfway. They don’t hold back. They don’t live life at anything other than a hundred percent. I’d be lying if I was saying I wasn’t a little bit envious of all of that fun. But then I remember that the south, much like any other place on earth, has its own set of awful problems and trading one life for another isn’t a healthy approach to personal reflection. I’m fine living vicariously through the three authors. With their sense of humor, who wouldn’t want to?

If you learn nothing else from this book, then at least learn to take care of each other and always be kind. That’s what liberalism is supposed to be about, right? Don’t judge strangers too harshly and don’t blame your problems on the wrong people. Be humble, but not so humble that it completely ruins your emotional wellbeing. Thank you, Trae, Drew, and Corey, for all of the tough love and fun times. Reading this book was a welcome experience and I look forward to many more of them. Fun fact: I gave this book to my mom one year for Mother’s Day and she loved it just as much as I did. Like I said earlier, five out of five stars is what this book will get. Congratulations on knocking it out of the park, guys!

White Boy

VERSE 1

Black lives matter; they always did

You’re saying otherwise? Who’re you trying to kid?

You keep your racism under the tightest lid

And sell powerful positions for the highest bid

You’re a bunch of slave owners with a license to kill

Leaving the taxpayers to clean the mess and pay the bill

A trail of bodies as long as the Nile

Hundreds more ready to walk the Green Mile

VERSE 2

I’m not ashamed of the things I’ve said

I’m talking to you, white boy, with your neck all red

You point your pistol and you open fire

But when you take the stand, you turn into a liar

You buy the judge with your unlimited funds

Intimidate the jury until their urine runs

Walk away a free man with the blood on your hands

Go back to the station to tune up the band

VERSE 3

You talk about freedom like it’s a cultural buzz word

Yet when minorities have it, you get all butt hurt

“Reverse racism” is your phrase of choice

Boom and bang are your preference of noise

Get out of your seat; put your hand on your heart

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of Wal-Mart

And to the EBT stamps for which they accept

One nation under fraud, time to break some necks”

VERSE 4

If you say “All Lives Matter”, you’d better mean it

That includes all races, you’d better believe it

Not just the cops, the Christians, or the whites

Every one of us should have the same rights

You go back on your claim when the flag is in flames

You point your rifle like a finger at somebody to blame

It’s all about you and the power you wield

And how “reverse racism” has become a shield

"Just a Guy" by BIll Engvall

You all know Bill Engvall as a giggly blue-collar comedian who will forever be known as the guy who hands out signs to morons that read “I’m Stupid”. In his 2007 memoir entitled “Just a Guy”, he’s still a giggly blue-collar comedian known for saying “Here’s Your Sign”, but his material is a little more personal this time. Bill was always known for having a great sense of humor, so his future in comedy just came naturally. A classic example of this is when he was jumping around with his sisters on the bed and he fell off and sliced himself open. Instead of being gross and perverted like a lot of horror authors, he took the hyperbolic route and in the book described the blood flow as being worse than the entire Saw series. You don’t actually have to watch the Saw movies to know what he’s talking about. Just the fact that the movies have that name is enough to let the reader know that someone’s getting slashed up worse than Bill plopping on a sharp wooden floor. But for all you writers out there, keep in mind that the only reason Bill Engvall can get away with hyperbolic descriptions and you can’t is because A: he’s a celebrity, and B: he’s a comedian. That’s why when he described a tall-haired woman on an airplane as looking like Marge Simpson, he gets more laughs out of that one sentence than most writers get out of an entire novel. Or how about the time when he described himself as being so sore after a baseball game that he walked like he crapped his pants. Huh? There’s an image you’ll never get out of your head! Having said all of these things about Bill Engvall’s comedic prowess, “Just a Guy” isn’t without its somber moments. They’re few and far in between, but they’re still there and they’ll still haunt you. The one that sticks out for me is when Bill’s mother divorced his father and he was left with a huge hole in his heart that couldn’t be patched up with levy cement. It pained me to read that a funny guy like him was actually crying his eyes out whenever the thought of his mother leaving him came about. Yet another one that sticks out in my mind is near the end of the book where Bill talks about becoming more and more invisible as he gets older. He’s away on the road for so long that the only function he has anymore is buying pizza or taking the kids for a ride to the mall. As someone who’s been a ghost before, this is troubling to me. But don’t let these two tearjerker moments draw you away from this book. It’s a giggly read from beginning to end and it’ll go by so fast that you won’t have time to have dewy eyes. Definitely worth whatever you pay for it!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My son plays the piano and one day he said he wanted to play something for me. He says, ‘I’m going to play you something from Harry Potter.’ And I say, ‘The movie?’ And he says, ‘No, the book. Here’s your sign, Dad!’”

-Bill Engvall-