Zune Koga's Cursed Monster Form

 

Eden Hodges, Evil Witch from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

"The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" by Max Allan Collins

BOOK TITLE: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

AUTHOR: Max Allan Collins

YEAR: 2008

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Urban Fantasy

GRADE: Pass

In the year 200 BC, China’s Dragon Emperor conquered his country with an iron fist and compassion for nobody. Karma would take the form of a sorceress’s curse, which covered him and his army in terra-cotta and banished them in suspended animation for eternity. Fast forward two millenniums and the Dragon Emperor is awakened from his curse by the greedy and zealous General Yang. The globetrotting O’Connell family must now put the mummy back into the ground by stabbing him in the heart with a mystical blade that was guarded for many generations. With an endless supply of firepower and unmatched martial arts skills, the O’Connells truly are the world’s last hope.

Even though this book earned its passing grade (four out of five stars), it’s not without its glaring flaws, particularly in the cheese department. The narrator constantly complimenting the female characters’ beauty, the gratuitous explosions, the sometimes off-color use of similes and metaphors, the instant chemistry between Alex O’Connell (the son) and Lin (Chinese tomb guardian), and the most obvious cheese of all, Alex and his father Rick using penis analogies to describe their submachine guns and pistols. Considering this was once a poorly received movie, I don’t doubt that these cheesy elements turned off plenty of viewers.

But that’s not to say that this book doesn’t deserve the praise it gets. All in all, it’s a fun little book filled with action, adventure, and opportunities for young authors to learn how to write in a fast-paced manner. It turns out that describing every punch and kick within a Jackie Chan-style fight isn’t one hundred percent necessary. In fact, that would take forever and impatient readers like me don’t have forever. We like hard-hitting action. We like hailstorms of bullets. We like tooth and nail struggles that bring the warriors to the edge of death and back again. Although the O’Connell family is blessed with martial arts skills and expensive firearms, they’re no doubt going to earn whatever victories they get. To put it in Rick’s terms, this struggle is going to make them HATE mummies!

The wild imagination of this story is something I also want to praise. Magical elements, bloodthirsty three-headed dragons, barbaric yetis, immortal Chinese warriors, a pool of eternal life, mystical artifacts, this urban fantasy has everything you need in order to get those inner wheels turning. While some of the magical occurrences come off as random at times, they don’t take away from the action or drama of the book and actually make sense in hindsight. Look at it this way: how else is a mere mortal named Rick O’Connell going to beat the crap out of a warrior mummy who won’t stay down? Anybody? Hello? Yes, the dragon dagger comes off as a McGuffin and McGuffins are considered literary sins, but if you’ve got a better way to kill off this seemingly immortal Dragon Emperor, I’d like to hear it.

Sometimes all a reader wants to do is have some fun and you’ll get that with this third installment of The Mummy series. You could also consider seeing the movie this book was adapted from, but diehard readers will want to choose the book instead. The writing style is cinematic in and of itself, so what are you waiting for? Pick up a copy of this four-star book today! Don’t be too turned off by the fact that this story has more cheese than a Domino’s pizza. After all, this kind of cheese would make even a vegan hungry.

Swearison

VERSE 1

I swore at Lego Land and the Great Wolf Lodge

I swore as a teenager under parental watch

I swore when I cleaned dog shit off the floor

I swore until my motherfucking throat was sore

Letting out swear words is a form of therapy

I don’t give a shit if it’s a form of heresy

I don’t give a flying fuck who I offend

I take a deep breath and turn it up to ten

CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

VERSE 2

I scream goddamn it when I bang my elbow

I yell motherfucker when I stub my big toe

I shout Jesus Christ when I bang my head

I bellow like a beast and wake the fucking dead

I should probably sign up for anger management

But it’s too much fun to commit sacrilege

It’s too exciting to shout from the rooftop

Get out of the kitchen if you think it’s too hot

CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

VERSE 3

Cussing in a church or in a courthouse

Using more sex puns than a whorehouse

Cussing in school or a grade below this

Life’s too short for G-rated bullshit

Cussing in a theater with a Disney flick

The Little Mermaid’s tower looks like a dick

Cussing isn’t stupid or even immoral

If you don’t like it, you can give me some oral

EXTENDED CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

My real name is Garrison

I’m a loud and proud heretic

I’m sorry for your sensitivity

I guess you’re really just shitting me

"American Born Chinese" by Gene Luen Yang

On the inner sleeve of a graphic novel known as “American Born Chinese”, it will specifically tell you that three different stories will intertwine by the time the story’s over. When you get a glimpse of the three stories firsthand, you’ll ask yourself…how?! In the first story, you’ve got a kung fu-practicing monkey who wants to become a mighty deity. In the second, you’ve got an adolescent Chinese boy who is constantly picked on by his peers and tries to find friendship in the most unlikely places. And then you have Danny, whose stereotypically Chinese cousin comes over to visit and embarrass him in school with his buck teeth, R and L mix-ups, foot-binding intentions, etc. At first glance, it appears that these three stories have absolutely nothing to do with each other. You could even say that they’re worlds apart. Hell, the monkey’s story literally takes place in another world. I won’t give away how exactly these stories are related since that question is answered at the end. I will say this, however: if you’ve ever needed a lesson on maintaining friendships and being yourself, this is the graphic novel for you. Nobody makes it easy for these main characters to learn these lessons. Lots of bullies, lots of godly forces, and more than anything else, social awkwardness. High school is always an awkward time for teenagers. Maybe all they needed was for someone to help them along the way of their growth. Maybe that’s why there are three stories instead of just one: more allies to depend on in the end. Or perhaps there’s that remote possibility that Gene Luen Yang wanted to create a graphic novel that was fast-paced and somewhat giggly at the same time while making references that some parts of the book could be autobiographical. It’s never easy to tell what an author’s intentions are unless they tell you directly. But I suppose that’s why we have college classes and things of that nature: so that we can analyze the literary structure as much as possible. Whether you’re a student assigned to “American Born Chinese” or if you’re just a good old-fashioned bookworm, you will enjoy this graphic novel, guaranteed or your money back, which in this case is somewhere in the mid-20’s price range.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Dear child, stop working. Go play. Forget every rule. There’s no fear in a dream.”

-Nightwish singing “Song of Myself”-