For those of us who grew up with a difficult past, it’s easy to get lost in the anger and that anger can often beget violence. Such is the case for half-Irish, half-Indian teenager known only as Zits (because of his poor complexion). His Indian father left him when he was just a baby and his mother died of cancer when Zits was only six years old. Ever since then, Zits has been bounced around from foster home to foster home with nothing but rage boiling inside of him. The burning hot anger gets too be too much and with the guidance of another troubled youth only named Justice, Zits comes within moments of shooting up a bank full of strangers. Before he can actually pull the trigger, the Indian youngster gets sent back to various moments in time in which the people he inhabits had to make violent choices as well, from nineteenth century Indian warriors to corrupt FBI agents. In each of these moments, Sherman Alexie is doing what a book critic once said he did all along, which was break our hearts and make us laugh at the same time. The laughter comes from the pop culture references and snappy dialogue, all of which coming from the narrative mind of Zits. The heartbreak takes the form of various deaths and tragedies that the people Zits wakes up as had to endure. Killing another human being isn’t nearly as easy as our angry consciences make it out to be. Yes, we can be angry enough to punch someone out or shoot someone into oblivion, but after the fact, it becomes hard to live with. Committing violent acts isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s not relieving. It’s not therapeutic. It’s hurtful. Pain begets pain. Anger begets more anger. Blood doesn’t wash away no matter how much dish soap you use to scrub your hands with. Only a cold-blooded mercenary could ever live with himself after committing murder. Zits is not a cold-blooded mercenary. He’s just a kid who was dealt a crappy hand. And now he’s imagining dealing a crappy hand to complete strangers in return. The blood, the tears, the heartache, is it all worth it? If it’s still worth it to you after you read Flight by Sherman Alexie, you missed the point entirely. Life isn’t an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. It’s not even a Jason Statham movie. It’s a cycle of violence that tears away at us until there’s nothing left. Think about that for a minute, if you have the stomach for it.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Shawn Michaels claims to be this great Christian who loves everybody and then he goes out and shoots innocent animals with a high-powered rifle.”
-Jim Cornette-
As we’ve seen with Dr. Frankenstein and Hannibal Lector, it doesn’t take much of an imagination for a character to be creepy. The question then becomes how creepy can the character be and will he be remembered for his disgusting sins? Here are some examples of what I’m talking about. Starting with…
Creepy is sticking your hand down a child’s pants. Ultra-creepy is whispering a passage of “50 Shades of Grey” while you’re doing it.
Creepy is staring at a skirt-wearing girl for thirty minutes. Ultra-creepy is getting a hard-on in leather underwear while doing it.
Creepy is texting your girlfriend about how you want to fuck her in the ass. Ultra-creepy is being hidden in her closet while doing it.
Creepy is slashing somebody’s arm with a razor. Ultra-creepy is drinking the blood with a shot of Jack Daniels.
Creepy is jacking off to a picture of livestock. Ultra-creepy is jacking off while actually being in the presence of livestock…and the farmer’s daughter.
Creepy is using a hand puppet to perform oral sex on your girlfriend. Ultra-creepy is giving her multiple orgasms in the process.
Creepy is posting a picture of your penis on Deviant Art. Ultra-creepy is photoshopping Homer Simpson giving you oral sex on that same picture.
Creepy is drawing a picture of Bugs Bunny wearing a strap-on. Ultra-creepy is having Bugs Bunny in that same drawing mention his audience members by name.
Creepy is licking a Spongebob Squarepants poster. Ultra-creepy is getting a premature orgasm while doing it.
Are you scared? Are you really fucking scared now? You shouldn’t be, because you’re on Scare Tactics with Tracy Morgan!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: Aww! The seven dwarves are so cute! I want to snuggle with them!
SUSAN: You want to snuggle with a bunch of old midget men?!
I recently watched a shoot interview with WWE Hall of Fame commentator Jim Ross in which he said that in order to be successful in the wrestling industry, one of the things you have to do is be willing to improve every day. The same thing applies with every field out there, including writing. Whether you’re just starting out in your mid-teens like I did or you’re well in your elder years, you always have room for improvement. In order to improve, you have to listen to three different sources: your elders, your peers, and the authors you’re currently reading and enjoying. I will say that you don’t necessarily have to agree with everything they say. In fact, every author should have a filter for the things they listen to. For example, if an author is being bombarded with insults and hatred, it’s probably a good idea not to draw inspiration from those people. If on the other hand an author is being sensitively critiqued by someone who genuinely wants him to succeed, then listening to those people is probably a better idea. The key word there is sensitively. You don’t want to be critiqued by someone who takes delight in hurting your feelings. But you also don’t want to misconstrue every piece of critique as hateful and tormenting. A good critique giver will tell you three different things about your work: what you did right, what you did wrong, and how you can correct the things you did wrong. Critique isn’t just a laundry list of complaints. Telling an author what they did right can be as informative as what they did wrong. It lets them know what to continue doing as well as what to stop doing. And when the editor gives the author advice on how to fix the problems in his work, it lets him know that he’s not alone in the struggle to have a presentable manuscript and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, pardon the cliché. When you surround yourself with people who can balance kindness and honesty, your game will improve dramatically. When you surround yourself with hate mongers, your career will be over before it begins. The journey to authorship should be one of happiness and excitement, not despair and sadness. If it wasn’t for people like Stephen Mertz, Carolyn Walker, Kathie Giorgio, and my army of friends on Good Reads, I would have never known what kind critique was. It’s because of those people that my game has improved dramatically from hyperbolic mediocrity to fast-paced simplicity. I want to give thanks to all the people I’ve mentioned both specifically and generally. I hope they’re reading.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Zesty and tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in everyday conversation. They’re advertising words. Has anyone ever turned to you and said, ‘This is real zesty! And tangy too!’?”
-George Carlin-
Whenever you read a book or watch TV and see two characters who would be perfect romantically, the natural response is to swoon at them and pair them together. While they would make an awesome power couple, there’s an unwritten rule in place called “The No Nookie Clause”. This rule implies that there’s some invisible force keeping these two people from ever coming together. This invisible force could be anything from family ties to workplace rules to even crippling shyness. The No Nookie Clause was implemented recently in episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. In the season opener, Marty Deeks confesses to Kensi Blye that the only thing that got him through his traumatic torture experience with the drill in his mouth was picturing Kensi’s lovely features and positive aura. A few episodes later, they finally make their longtime-coming relationship official. And during that same episode, Kensi Blye is magically transported overseas for a mission that requires indefinite support while Marty Deeks stays in Los Angeles with day-to-day NCIS operations. Neither Hetty Lange nor Owen Granger, the two authority figures, will fess up to bringing the hammer down using the No Nookie Clause, but it’s heavily implied that they did. If you didn’t already have a reason to question nookie banning from the workplace, you have it now. It’s a heartbreaking situation that didn’t need to happen. If two people love each other, let them be together. It’s as simple as that. With workplace nookie, authority figures like to argue that emotional attachment will screw up their job performance. While it may seem awkward after the eventual breakup, it’s still not right to send your workers home to crysterbate at 11:00 at night over all of this. Everybody needs love and it should matter not where it comes from, unless of course said lover was a minor or married, then it would be problematic. But the last time I checked, Deeks and Kensi were not teenagers and neither of them had rings on their fingers. After reading this blog entry, you’re probably wondering why I would write so passionately about a subject such as fictional romance and why I would repeatedly use the word nookie. The latter of the two questions is easy: I’m a Limp Bizkit fan. That’s all that needs to be said. The former is not quite as easy to explain. At my age, I’m supposed to have enough emotional maturity to not fuss over fictional romance. I want you all to know that I’m not fussing. This NCIS: Los Angeles case study is something all writers can use. If you have two characters who need pairing, make it so. You can tiptoe around it if you want in order to build suspense, but if it seems natural, do it. It worked between Jasmine (rich princess) and Aladdin (homeless vagrant), so that’s saying something.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
CLARK GABLE: Are you pissed off that your boyfriend lied to you?
LISA: No, I’m happy about it!
-Cheaters-
Just because there’s a hot and sexy lady rolling around on the floor with her hands cuffed and her mouth taped, doesn’t necessarily mean the intent behind the bondage was boner-worthy. And before you ask, no, this entry isn’t a rehashing of Fifty Shades of Grey. Not all bondage is sexual, though it can easily be interpreted that way. For instance, in the BBC television series Chandler & Company, there’s a scene where Elly Chandler gets tied up with electrical cords and gagged with black tape. If this scene was on You Tube, I’m sure there would be hundreds of horny men claiming that they came all over their monitor or some classless shit like that. They already do that for the French short film Poison d’Avril since the female lead is gagged with a pink rubber ball. What does this have to do with literature? Simple: as writers, if we’re going to tie and gag a hot and sexy woman, we’d better be prepared for the consequences if the scene isn’t executed correctly. For example, you have to be conscious of what kind of gag is used in the scene. In crime dramas and military thrillers, the captor is more likely to use a cloth or tape gag while in horror and erotic novels, the captor will either use a bit or a ball gag. If you want to know why this is important, try switching the two genres and gag types around. Let’s say you’re watching the episode of NCIS where Ziva David is kidnapped by the port-to-port killer Jonas Cobb. When she was discovered by Gibbs and the team, she had duct tape on her mouth, albeit for a short while. If she had been discovered with a ball gag and leather underwear, the audience would have a hard time taking the drama seriously. In fact, they might laugh their asses off. Tape gags work well in horror and erotic novels, but tread lightly, my friends. If you’re writing an erotic novel and your lead captor is holding an AK-47 to the fully dressed tape gagged vixen, then your male readers’ penises will shrivel up to the size of a pea. In horror, pretty much any gag will work. In Candyman 3, the lead female character is captured and ball gagged. In Die Watching, one of the female characters is topless and has duct tape on her mouth and nose. By this rationale, you can get away with pretty much anything you want when it comes to bondage scenes in horror novels, as long as it’s disturbing and creepy. In the end, it’s your novel and you’re going to write it your way. But if you’re writing a crime novel where a teenaged girl is tape gagged and whipped by a guy in leather underwear and a zipper hood, be prepared for scrutiny. Lots and lots of scrutiny.
***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Seven witnesses saw you kill those people. You know what that means? It means if one of them gets hit by a bus, there are still six more witnesses who saw you do it.”
-Dutch Wagenbach from “The Shield”-
Can someone please explain to me why The Cat Who Killed Lilian Jackson Braun has less than three stars on Good Reads right now? Is it because of the crass humor? If that’s all the reviewers have to go on, then they don’t have me convinced, because from page one, I’ve been laughing my ass off like a psychotic hyena. In fact, if you were sitting in the living room by yourself in the dark and I was reading this book in another room, you’d think you were trapped in the house with a serial killer akin to The Joker. The sex jokes, the toilet humor, the cat mystery satire, these things all made me laugh because for one, I’m a sick twisted fuck, and two, I’ve read a few Lilian Jackson Braun books in my life. I know what style she employs to the point where it becomes her mathematical formula. Robert Kaplow not only wrote down a list of crude jokes, but he did so in mockery of the Cat Who books. He too knows the style and he emulated and mocked it perfectly. The main character, an author named James Macintosh Qafka otherwise known as just Q, did everything you’d expect the character he was parodying to do. He lived with two precious felines, he went to random restaurants and ate weird ass food, he met with random friends in search of answers, and he was an avid writer. Take all of those traits and make them into the most disgusting, perverted, sickening tropes you could ever imagine. What you have is a mixture of snot, semen, blood, and God knows what else that not even a hazmat suit-wearing scientist would want to be around. Despite the overwhelming crudeness of the humor employed in Robert Kaplow’s parody, sooner or later, you’re going to laugh your ass off and sound like you belong in a mental ward. I’ll bet an entire month’s worth of SSI benefits that it’ll be sooner rather than later. You know what the best part about this book is? You don’t have to have read Lilian Jackson Braun’s works in order to understand it, because it plays out like a legitimate mystery with the suspenseful elements and sharp twists. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Actually, it’s okay to do that since the cover has the shadow of a cat with a blade in it’s paw. When I first saw the cover, I laughed my ass off. Imagine that: I actually laughed long before I opened the book. That should tell you something. And now I’m telling you all something: buy this book. Now.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“A little self-deprecation never hurt anybody.”
-Me-
Throughout my whole life, I’ve seen three different examples of what a “Sandman” is supposed to be. First, there was the version we all heard as kids: that creepy dude that sprinkles dust in your eyes so that you’ll fall asleep faster. What he does to you afterwards is anybody’s guess. If you’re a wrestling fan, particularly hardcore wrestling, then The Sandman has a much different meaning to you. He was an antisocial beer drinker who liked to throw his opponents into barbed wire and knock them out with Singapore cane shots to the skull. Again, what this version of The Sandman did to his opponents after they were knocked unconscious, well, that’s up for debate. And then you have a version of The Sandman that comes from the works of Neil Gaiman. I had no idea Neil Gaiman even existed until I got a Sandman graphic novel for my 28th birthday. The point was further emphasized when I saw Mr. Gaiman on an episode of The Simpsons that made fun of team writing. Speaking of team writing, I’d like to do a blog entry about that someday. Sounds like fun. But you know what? We still have to do something with this Sandman topic. What we have here are three different examples of what a Sandman is supposed to be. That leads me to believe that you can slap the name Sandman on pretty much any character you’ve got and it’ll sell like hotcakes. For instance, if you were writing the script for a manga series about giant robots, you could call the main giant robot The Sandman and he’ll be more badass for it. Maybe he can carry a fiery scythe and a chain gun while having a Mary Jane cigarette between its teeth. Or maybe you’re working on a horror novel and The Sandman can be a creepy ghost that sneaks into the bedrooms of little boys and girls at night. What he does with them is all up to your sick and sadistic imagination, you fucking freak. What if you’re writing a Dungeons & Dragons-style adventure novel and The Sandman was a seven-foot tall black knight with a battleaxe as big as his torso? It could very well happen. Being called a “Sandman” is a very good thing. Take advantage of the moniker as much as you can. Hell, I can be a Sandman myself because I’m probably putting you all to sleep with my mindless banter. If that’s the case, grab a blanket and put on some new age tunes, because it’s going to be a long night!
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What do horror movie monsters and trick-or-treaters have in common?
A: They like to eat airheads.
TV producers and authors have one thing in common: they need people to see their work. TV producers need ratings and authors need book buys. The difference between the two occupations is just how far they’re willing to go in order to get attention. In all the books I’ve read over the years, the authors seem to have a humble game plan. Be suspenseful, be mysterious, be on the attack, but don’t over-stimulate. You see this in works such as The Hunger Games, The Cleaner, and pretty much every Carl Hiaasen book on the market. If you’re a TV producer, the rules and limits become slightly more flexible. For example, let’s say you’re a wrestling promoter and you need your audience to be interested in a rivalry that’s going on between two superstars. The two wrestlers have called each other every name in the book and discredited each other’s fighting abilities in every way possible. There’s only one way to draw more attention to this rivalry: get edgy. Such was the game plan in the 2013 feud between WWE superstars CM Punk and The Undertaker. The latter’s manager and father figure Paul Bearer died a few days before the feud began. CM Punk comes out and makes death jokes about Paul Bearer in order to annoy The Undertaker and get him to make a mistake in the ring. Because of the blatant exploitation of death, people are interested in this match and desperately want to see CM Punk get his ass kicked. There’s just one problem: those who were deeply affected by Paul Bearer’s death (his family and friends) are horrified by the insult to his memory. Because of the distasteful way in which Paul Bearer’s death was used, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will probably give an award to the WWE for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. The lesson of the day is, if you’re an author looking to draw people into your story, it’s okay to be edgy and maybe a little offensive, but if you go too far over the edge, there’s no coming back. So please, potential authors, refrain from having a character in your story who’s a serial killer of cute kittens. Refrain from having a storyline where ragtime music is played during a rape scene. Keep said rapist from grinding an axe into the woman’s vagina so that he can “share the pleasure”. These horrifying tropes won’t get people interested in your book, but rather make them turn away in shock. Everything in moderation, people. Everything in moderation.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Undertaker, I just want to say that I’m sorry for your loss…at Wrestlemania!”
-CM Punk-
I’m not going to lie. “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky was such a beautiful story that it hurt me. The journey that Charlie went through and the love and friendship he found through all the hardships hit me like a Mike Tyson punch to the heart. It hit me so hard that I needed comfort music afterwards. But where in my music collection would I find it? Would it be “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch? How about “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson? Or maybe I’m looking for “Kiss” by Korn. None of those would do because they’re too angsty. I didn’t feel angst after reading Stephen Chbosky’s masterpiece. I needed something that was both beautiful and emotional, just like the book. Come on down, Serj Tankian, and bring a copy of “Deafening Silence” with you. Why this song in particular? I’ll explain. I’m sure that after the events of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, Charlie will go on to do great things and he’ll rekindle his love with Sam. In stark contrast, after my own journey through high school and college, all that was left for me was something that Serj Tankian and his wife sang about for the album Harakiri: “Deafening Silence”. Silence from my old friends, silence from my family, silence from complete strangers, and silence from anybody looking for faithful and hardworking employees. But of course, I can’t do what Serj said and “paint you with my tears”, because I haven’t cried since 2007. I’ve been sad lots of times since then, but I’ve never had the urge to just let the tear ducts flow like a monsoon. Charlie, on the other hand, cried many times over the course of Stephen Chbosky’s story. He cried when he was happy, he cried when he was sad, and sometimes he just cried because he was so emotional all the time. To say that I envy Charlie wouldn’t be quite accurate. It’s a little petty to be jealous of a fictional character. Nobody watches The Expendables and becomes jealous of Sylvester Stallone. Those that do end up going to Iraq or Afghanistan to get their heads blown off. While I may have no jealousy toward Charlie or his friends, it doesn’t change the fact that the silence still exists and that it still affects me deeply every day of my life. To commemorate this lack of noise, I’ve got a copy of “Deafening Silence” by Serj Tankian handy on my MP3, on my computer, and on the original CD. If you haven’t heard the song yet, go to You Tube and find it. It’s absolutely gorgeous. In fact, if “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” had been set in the early 2010’s instead of the early 1990’s, I’m sure Serj Tankian’s masterpiece would have been included in the soundtrack.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“You know your life is boring when you have something to do tomorrow and you set your alarm for eleven in the morning.”
-Me-
Somewhere between 2007 through 2009 when I was holed up at Western Washington University in a cloud of lonely depression, I wrote a piece of creative nonfiction called “Go Bearcats”, where I lament the time I spent in Chehalis because I had lots of friends then. Fast forward to 2011 and I write a piece of creative nonfiction called “The Jennifer Conspiracy”, where I wonder why the hell I would ever miss that rundown place due to the even worse time I had in my freshman year of high school. Forget friendship, because there were a hell of a lot more enemies back in those days. Being alone in my dorm room with nobody to talk to from 2007 to 2009 was better than being verbally abused from 1999 to 2000. It’s just simple logic. I bet you’re expecting me to write an entire book about my experiences in Chehalis and make millions while exploiting my own heartache. Truth is, there isn’t much to tell that hasn’t already been told about the small town of Chehalis. Everybody who’s been there knows how bad the bullying situation is. Everybody who’s gone to Chehalis Middle School in the mid-90’s knows how disgusting the desks are because of all the graffiti on them. Everybody who’s taken a sex ed class from any school the city has knows that abstinence therapy is full of shit. Knowing everything we know about this black hole of a city, it should come as no surprise that people who want to get away from it all venture toward Olympia, the capital city of Washington. If they can’t afford the gas for a whole road trip, they usually go to the Matrix Coffeehouse to see a local band and eat hippie food. Do you know why The Matrix is a good place to escape to (given the 1999 movie of the same name, I tried not to laugh at that last statement as well)? Do you know why many flock to Olympia to get the hell out of Chehalis? Those same people know that Chehalis needs two things in order to improve: more diversity and less religion. White rednecks and brown Mexicans are two separate races that occupy Chehalis (hehe, I said Occupy Chehalis), but it’s not enough to be considered a diverse area. If anybody from another race even peeks from behind the corner, they get bullied. Hell, if you’re not 110% like everybody else in some way, shape, or form, you get picked on by the masses. Contrary to popular belief in Chehalis, God will not help you. Trust me, I’ve tried asking for his help when I was a freshman. Didn’t work. Surprise, surprise, puppy surprise. Too much religious conservatism and not enough diversity of ideas. If you want to know what would be included in a Chehalis memoir (preferably written by someone who is an A+ student somewhere other than there), this would be it. Poverty, racism, bigotry, ignorance, and maybe some inbreeding. If you ever ask me to talk about my memories of Chehalis in person, don’t expect an elaborate answer. What happens there deserves to be buried forever in that solemn graveyard. Who knows? There’s a graveyard on a hillside on the far end of town, maybe you’ll find a good memoir there.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“She said, ‘I can’t take this place. I’m leaving you behind.’ She said, ‘I can’t take this town. I’m leaving you tonight.’”
-Green Day singing “Letter Bomb”-
As someone who openly admits to being mentally ill whenever the topic comes up, this is going to sound hypocritical of me when I say it. I get very uncomfortable around people who are chronically sad. Whether it’s somebody crying a lot, threatening self-harm, or unnecessarily insulting themselves, I have to get up and leave the room whenever it happens. I never know what I can say or do that will make the person feel better, so I just walk away from the situation frustrated and angry. For Elizabeth Wurtzel, it took an entire decade for her to understand the gravity of her depression, starting in her pre-teenaged years. She would slice her legs in the bathroom while listening to punk rock, burst into tears and screaming fits at seemingly random times, stay in bed for long periods of time, etc. Throughout Prozac Nation, she tries to figure out what exactly is causing her to feel so miserable all the time. She describes how her parents never got along, how every boyfriend she’s had dumped her in her time of need, how her therapists weren’t connecting with her in the way she wanted, basically, it’s a whole myriad of fucked up experiences. She tries to rationalize her sadness with these things, but it doesn’t alleviate the pressure being put on her fragile mind by her depression. When she attempts suicide and fails, that’s when she finally starts taking Prozac and coming to her senses. She wasn’t just sad all the time; she actually had legitimate atypical depression, which is just as physical as it is psychological. Here’s where the debate begins. Ever since Prozac was on the market, there have been more diagnoses for depression among Generation X members (the book was published in 1994). The problem with this is that the doctors making these diagnoses are confusing moderate sadness with actual crippling depression. The ones who are just sad get the Prozac while the ones who are mentally broken down and on the brink of insanity go unnoticed. If you want to know just how screwed up this conclusion is, Jeffrey Dahmer was at one point on Prozac. He wasn’t depressed, he was just a serial killer. The point of this memoir is that if you’re in need of help of any kind, make sure you’re actually getting the right treatment for whatever ails you. Elizabeth Wurtzel needed a decade to understand this point and she’s better for it. The book drives that point home for a lot of people, including myself. I took my medicine (because I’m legitimately schizophrenic) and I’m a much more focused person than I was in 2002 when I was first mentally ill.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“And now I finally know what it feels like to risk everything and still survive. When you’re standing on the battlefield and all the pain is real, that’s when you realize that you must have done something right, ‘cause you never felt so alive.”
-Papa Roach singing “Leader of the Broken Hearts”-
In all the time I’ve maintained this blog, it seems as though I’ve spoken more about mixed-martial arts than actual books. Hell, I even have an old post on here where I stand up for Fallon Fox after all the verbal abuse she’s taken. On DeviantART, I have a journal entry where I question the hatred toward the UFC for attempting to bail out Jeremy Stephens after his assault charge so that he can fight on the card. My MMA references on both sites may appear accidental, but they’re by design, for a different reason from the fact that I’m a fan. The way I see it (and as many of you guessed from the first post I made back in 2012), a good book should be like a bonus-worthy cage fight. For those of you who aren’t UFC savvy, I’ll explain the whole bonus jargon to you. Every UFC event has a series of fights and afterwards UFC President Dana White will give out bonus checks to the fighters for Knockout of the Night, Submission of the Night, and Fight of the Night. What do post-fight bonuses have to do with a good book? Usually, the post-fight bonuses will go to fighters who made their fight a fast-paced battle with lots of action and very few breaks. Do you see the operative words there? Face-paced and lots of action. The books don’t necessarily have to be thrillers or mysteries in order to meet this criteria. They just have to be fun to read, in the same way that a bonus-worthy fight is fun to watch. For example, if you pick up any novel by Carl Hiaasen, it’ll be just as exciting to read as Dennis Bermudez vs. Matt Grice was fun to watch. Carl Hiaasen knows when to strike and does so in large volumes, much like the eventual winner of the fight Dennis Bermudez, who won by split decision. On the positive-negative spectrum, the MMA example works the other way as well. If you pick up a copy of Beowulf in its original format (fruity language and all), reading this slow-paced nightmare will be a lot like watching Frank Mir vs. Mirko Cro Cop. If you can’t decipher the poetic language of Beowulf as accurately as the A+ students in my Pre-16th Century Lit class did, you’ll have no idea what the hell is going on and you’ll probably think there’s not much activity. The Frank Mir vs. Mirko Cro Cop fight back at UFC 119 could be described as the worst performance in both fighters’ careers due to the inactivity. It was so lackluster that even though Frank Mir was the only fighter on the UFC 119 card who recorded a knockout victory (knee), Dana White refused to give him the Knockout of the Night award. So with all of these MMA references floating around, you’re probably wondering why I’m not converting this blog from Garrison’s Library to Garrison’s Octagon. It’s because I’m a bookworm and writer first and a cage fighting aficionado second. I’ll gladly put pen to paper, but I’ll never get in an MMA cage for as long as I live. I’m too out of shape for athletic competition and really, the only way I could win a fight with these monsters is by kicking them in the nuts, gouging them in the eyes, or smashing their clavicles. I hope this blog entry answered those lingering MMA questions.
***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“For those of you who were booing the flyweight fight tonight, do me a favor. Please don’t ever buy another UFC pay-per-view again. I don’t want your money.”
-Dana White-
My best friend Zero Urrea introduced me to a site called TV Tropes and on this site I learned about the theme of the “Evil Character, Nice Guy”. You know what that means? It means that just because George Carlin joked about the possibility of Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd, doesn’t mean he would actually go out and rape somebody himself. Just because Daniel Bryan emotionally abused AJ Lee in the WWE, doesn’t mean he’s an even worse lover to his real life girlfriend Brie Bella. Just because Derrick Green growls like a monster when he sings Sepultura songs, doesn’t mean he’s a grunting monster in real life. George Carlin, Daniel Bryan, and Derrick Green all have one thing in common: at one point they were considered to be villainous characters, but in real life, they are the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. Before his death in 2008 (rest in peace), George Carlin was a loving family man who had a whirlwind romance with his first and second wives Brenda and Sally respectively. He even had a daughter named Kelly, who to this day celebrates her father’s legacy by promoting his comedy whenever she gets the chance. As far as Daniel Bryan goes, he went through his entire wrestling career praised for being a nice guy in the locker room. In fact, Jim Cornette, Bryan’s former ROH boss, came to his defense when Bryan was first fired from WWE. Mr. Cornette said that Bryan was a “model employee, a pleasure to be around, an all-around nice guy, very respectful to the veterans”, things like that, which are all good reasons to keep somebody as an employee as far as I’m concerned. Derrick Green? Well, he’s part of an unfortunate stereotype that heavy metal fans and singers find themselves in just because they’re associated with aggressive and angry music. These stereotypes include, but are not limited to, being evil, being a devil worshipper, hating the world, being depressed, and cutting themselves. Derrick Green may have monstrous vocals when he sings with Sepultura, but he is far from evil. I’ve never met the guy myself, but I’m putting it on my bucket list. He already has a reputation for being an animal lover, so he gets brownie points for that. So I guess I should get straight to the point when it comes to the message of this blog entry, and that is to never judge somebody by what they do on TV. By the same token, don’t judge an author by the transgressive nature of his stories. Stephen King is a master of gory literature as everybody knows, but he’s never actually committed murder before. Imagine that: you can actually be a gory writer and a nice guy at the same time! Who knew?!
***CARTOON QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
-Winnie the Pooh-
One of the few things I loved about my college days was taking a class on dramatic writing (as in theater, not necessarily as in tearjerkers). Having said that, it always drove me nuts whenever the teacher, let’s call him Bryan, always insisted that the students not explain their work whenever it’s being critiqued. Don’t get me wrong, Bryan was a well-liked teacher and deservedly so. I just never understood why it was such a sin to explain your own work to people who are confused. Fortunately, I had an English teacher, let’s call him Carlos, who said it was perfectly okay. Going back to Bryan for a moment, his main reasoning for not explaining your own work is because the work should speak for itself and that you won’t always be there to explain things to one person. Seems like a reasonable explanation, but when you’re being critiqued, it’s important for your editor to know what the hell’s going on in your story. That way, the editor can steer you in the right direction of what you want to do rather than impose his own will. For example, if you want to express sadness through colors and you use a lot of red in your set design, you’re going to want to express your need for sad colors to your editor so that he can tell you that blue is a better choice. Of course, this may not be the best example I can think of since everybody knows blue is a sad color and red is an angry color. Even so, I hope everybody understands my position on this. While you won’t have the opportunity to confront every one of your confused readers all the time (at least not without the internet), it’s important that they at least know something about the work that they didn’t know before. Knowing Bryan the way I did, he would probably propose the counterpoint of the audience making their own interpretations so that they can enjoy the work without limits. Maybe I can agree with that point since I do that a lot myself when I add books to this blog. But sooner or later, making a faulty interpretation is going to catch up with you, whether it’s with your grades in school or with a mass discussion with your friends. If you say something potentially foolish, people aren’t always going to be there to break your fall. The other students in a nonfiction class I took one time can attest to that since we were reading This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff and I compared two scruffy gentlemen to the mountain men in Deliverance. Boy, were they pissed…or so I was told. But you know what? It doesn’t matter in the end, because if an author wants to explain himself, he’ll do it anyways, probably through an interview with a newspaper or talk show. So deal with it! No offense, Bryan.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What’s a Deliverance character’s favorite soda?
A: Mountain Screw.
This past Father’s Day, I went down to Purdy to visit my dad like all good sons do on that particular day. Midway through the visit, he and my brother James wanted to know why I would call a book about pro-wrestling “Hardcore Hate”. Their main justification for disagreeing with the title was that it sounded too much like something a neo-Nazi would buy (probably because the word “hate” is closely related to racism rather than simply not liking your opponent). Of course, James’ alternative title “Barbarian and Doctor” was even worse since he obviously wasn’t even trying. But this conversation brought up a topic that I’m discussing tonight: judging a book by it’s cover or title. You hear people say all the time “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. While that may be an admirable slogan, people do it all the time with books while being encouraged not to do it with people. If you see an overweight teenaged girl walking down the street, don’t judge her body, because she might turn out to be a friendly person. But if you see a book that’s titled “The Dragon Prince” and the cover design shows a gun being pointed at a tiny kitten, that’s when you can start to worry. Come to think of it, there is a book cover that shows a gun being leveled a cute, cuddly kitty. It’s called “How Not to Write a Novel” and that image is supposed to illustrate a point: disgusting promotional tactics will get your manuscript shoved in the rejection box. It all goes back to a point I once made about hooking the reader in rather than making him wait for the hot action on a platter. Let’s take the book “The Sisters Brothers” for instance. For the book cover, somebody might see a moonlit background behind two sinister-looking people. Or if you look closely enough, you’ll see a skull with two hideous eye sockets. That’s fucking creative, people! I don’t know how good the book actually is (I haven‘t read it before), but with a clever cover like that, it’s a good start. You need another example? How about “Quiet” by Susan Cain? It’s a simple gray cover with minimal design, but it’s exactly what the reader wants to see. The book is about introversion and in order to achieve introversion, you need a quiet environment. A cloudy day with low barometric pressure is the perfect catalyst for a brief nap, and thus you have your quiet situation. If you followed that logic successfully, you’ll understand why Susan Cain’s simple book design is actually the best one for drawing readers in. Should we judge a book by its cover? Maybe, maybe not. But if I see a book on Amazon called “The Desert Maiden” and it shows a picture of feet being chopped off with a hacksaw, I’m skipping over it.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
OLD MAN: Which candy bar has the commercial with swirling chocolate?
GEORGE COSTANZA: They all have swirling chocolate.
OLD MAN: Not Skittles.
-Seinfeld-
There comes a time in every writer’s life, preferably every November, that he has to ask himself if he’s going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. It’s not an official contest, it’s just a challenge for all authors to pump out a novel before the end of November. You want to know my answer to this riddle? Not only no, but hell no. NaNoWriMo requires its participants to create on the fly. No preparation, no pre-writing, no planning of any kind, just straight up improvisation. I don’t operate that way. If I wanted to improvise so badly, I’d join the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or Second City, one of those groups. If I was to just drop everything I’m doing right now and write random shit I think of at the top of my head, not only might I get stuck in the middle of it, but my novel will suck. Call me a perfectionist, but I want my first drafts to be at least tolerable so that I don’t have much work to do when it comes time to edit. That’s why whenever I come up with ideas for novels, I have to do it far in advance so that everything’s planned out and nothing sucks. I’m currently writing a three-part novel called Brawl-Mart and it was planned out from beginning to end. I’ve finished parts one and two (Occupy Wrestling and Filter Feeder respectively) and all I have left of part three (Debt of Pain) is eight chapters of action. I would have completed the whole novel a lot sooner than anticipated, but lately I’ve been slowing down my writing schedule due to mental exhaustion and being bogged down by other projects. That’s another reason why I don’t participate in NaNoWriMo, because I can’t energize my mind long enough to get anything done in a timely fashion. It may take the entire month, it may take a whole fucking year. Either way, it may come out forced and therefore, it might suck, which is as I’ve stated before not what I want when writing a first draft. If anything, November will be dedicated to finishing those remaining eight chapters of Brawl Mart Pt. 3: Debt of Pain. And then after that, who knows where I’ll go from there. I have two ideas for novels sitting in my reserve folder as of now: Gangster’s Paradise (memoir of an anti-gang serial killer) and a nonfiction memoir of my life in middle school, high school, and college which I’m still debating the title of. I may develop more ideas beyond these and if I do, you all will be the first ones to know. Until then, I’m going to spend November doing essentially the same thing as everyone else: stuffing my face full of mashed potatoes and turkey. I won’t be watching any football since football is a boring sport with annoyingly loud fans. I’ll just stick to UFC and WWE for my athletic fix.
***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“The judges are giving out 10-8’s like it’s fucking Christmas.”
-Dana White on an episode of “The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nelson vs. Team Carwin”-
Here’s something I may never understand: why is it that people like to say that they’re going to read a particular book more than once? They say things like “I like it so much that I can’t wait to read it again!” While lip service to a good book is admirable, I have to ask why someone would go to these extremes. You have to understand that while reading is an enjoyable hobby for a lot of people, it’s also hard work. It’s like a marine saying that he wants to go through boot camp again because he got such a great workout from the obstacle courses. While reading isn’t nearly as torturous as running an obstacle course at five in the morning, it still takes a great deal of effort and dedication to do. I loved reading “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky, but I don’t need to read it twice in order to prove my devotion to the author or his work. Another issue I have with the idea of multiple readings is that once you read a book, you already know what happens and the element of surprise is spoiled. When I read a book, I’m already resigned to the idea that everything will be okay by the story’s end. For me, it’s not so much IF a happy ending occurs, it’s HOW. All of these problems have to have some kind of solution, preferably one I didn’t think of beforehand. If I was to read “Pipsqueak” by Brian M. Wiprud a second time, I would already know how Garth Carson and his kin defeat the cultists. For the sake of making you all buy your own damn copies of the book, I won’t spoil the ending for anybody. That’s one of the points of reading: to find out what happens. Sure, you could skip to the back of the book and find out that way, but where’s the adventure and sense of accomplishment in that? You know why we have a website called Good Reads? So that people can go online and brag about the books they’ve read in the past. How exactly are you going to earn your bragging rights if you skip to the back of the book like a cheater? And just so you know, Good Reads doesn’t have a place on your “To-Read” list for how many times you’ve read a book, so I guess it’s not that honorable after all. I have over 60 books on my “To-Read” list and they’re all sitting on my bookshelf here at home. How exactly are all 60 plus books going to get read if I’m stuck on “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” or “Pipsqueak” indefinitely? Seems like a waste of money to just let those books sit in queue like that. You want to know what I’m really trying to say here? Actually, I don’t have much to say, just something to ask. Why on earth would someone want to read a book more than once (aside from not completing it the first time and forgetting what happened)?
***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it [on Good Reads].”
-Bertrand Russell-
Murder, kidnappings, ass-beatings, and cultism…over a stuffed squirrel that used to be part of Garth Carson’s favorite TV show back in the 60’s and 70’s. As crazy as that sounds, this actually is a believable mystery as you get further and further into the book. Yes, it’s extremely silly at times and Garth Carson can be a quirky narrator, but it’s still a believable mystery despite the fact that it’s all over a stuffed puppet. Yes, the stuffed puppet is worth hundreds and thousands of dollars. But the deeper you dig into this novel, the more complicated the circumstances become. Believe it or not, this was the novel that was going to make or break Brian M. Wiprud’s career as a writer. He was taking a huge chance with all the silly descriptions he put in the book, but in the end, it paid off and Pipsqueak is a highly popular mystery novel. You want to hear one of my favorite descriptions in the book? Near the end, there’s a group of leggy dancers in feather boas akin to the Las Vegas showgirls we’re accustomed to seeing. Garth Carson, the story’s narrator, could have said anything he wanted about the way they danced around. What he chose to compare their routine to was Nazi goose-stepping. That’s right, boys and girls. He compared a bunch of gorgeous feathery dancers to Nazis. Of course, it was only a comparison to the way both parties moved, but still, it’s giggly to think about. You may have to wait a long time to read that description since it’s near the novel’s conclusion, but not to worry: this book is peppered with goofy descriptions that will either get a smile out of you or a deep chuckle. I don’t want to play the role of spoiler for you guys, so I’m just going to tell you all to buy a copy of Pipsqueak and make it a part of your growing library. You do have a growing library, right? There has to be more on those shelves of yours than just DVD’s and Blu-Ray’s. Who knows? Maybe you have some Playboy magazines on your library shelves, but I’m sure people will believe you when you say you read them just for the thrilling articles. Whatever you do though, when you march to your local bookstore in search of Pipsqueak, make sure you’re not doing a Nazi goose-step or else Garth Carson may call you out. Or he may call you a Cola Woman. Or Cola Man. Either way, prepare for the craziest book you’re going to read in a while. If you need an autographed copy, don’t even bother, because it’s hard to use a pen when you’re in a straightjacket. Hint, hint, wink, wink!
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
-George Carlin-
It seems as though every time someone enters a job that involves celebrity status of some kind, there’s always somebody telling them that whatever they’re getting into is a “mean business”. I can understand why someone would say those words about MMA, wrestling, or any other athletic activity: there’s a lot of testosterone flying around and raging criticism is bound to happen. But why exactly would something like literature or movies be considered “mean businesses”? Let’s be honest: it doesn’t take a whole lot of hateful aggression to read a book or to watch a movie. I’ll tell you where the term “mean business” comes from. It comes from the idea that just because we live in a democratic society, it automatically grants us the right to be a verbal bully. In America, that right is documented under the first amendment of the constitution. Freedom of speech is good to have, but when the mediums we love turn into “mean businesses”, that’s when things get out of control quickly. If you need proof, just watch an episode of TMZ. They’re always getting a chuckle out of a celebrity being too fat for her bikini or saying something slightly off-color. If you need further proof, look no further than the Sunday morning newspaper, where a critic will rip a book to shreds in more ways than one. When did it become acceptable to be spiteful people? I will admit that I get caught up in the moment as well when it comes to joining the “mean business” politics. In fact, I’ve been very vocal against the Republican Party for their role in the current government shutdown going on. It’s well documented that I receive disability payments and food stamps due to my schizophrenia and autism. What everyone here may not know is that my mother works for the Environmental Protection Agency and is the biggest source of income my immediate family has. Naturally, I was furious with the Republicans, but only because lives are on the line during a government shutdown. I don’t really see how someone writing an awful book constitutes the right to be an asshole about it. I wasn’t a big fan of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, but I would never under any circumstances dance on Stiegg Larsson’s grave because of it. The first amendment has way too much room for abuse. Isn’t that right, Fred Phelps? All I’m asking from the celebrity sphere is, can we all just calm the fuck down for the first time in our lives? I’m not saying you have to wear yoga pants and yell out “Namaste” every time somebody passes you on the streets. I’m just saying that killing a Twilight fan for being of the wrong side of the Jacob-Edward spectrum is a TAD bit extreme.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What do you call two gay Vikings?
A: Leif partners.
I’ve been reading books and watching movies long enough to know that the happy ending is inevitable. And yet, despite the predictability, I keep on reading or watching because it’s not IF the happy ending happens, it’s HOW. Such is the case with “Walking Disaster” by Jamie McGuire. As you read the beginning of the book, you start to wonder how exactly an underground fighter with a hair-trigger temper like Travis Maddox ever falls in love with the ultra-beautiful Abby Abernathy. It is easy to understand where Travis gets his anger from: in the beginning, his mother dies and he’s raised by his testosterone-pumped brothers and father. Ever since then, Travis made his money by beating the shit out of people and finds yet another outlet for his anger by bringing random chicks to his apartment and having emotionless sex with them before kicking them out. When he meets Abby Abernathy, Travis has to find a way to keep his anger under control so that he doesn’t drive away his one last chance at true romance. Abby isn’t a saint either since she too has a “doesn’t take shit from anybody” attitude. I hate to break it to you hopeless romantics out there, but when you combine a dynamite shack with a bomb vest, you’re not getting new age music. How exactly do these two styles mesh and make for a happy ending? Let’s just say that it’s a long and hellish road like most relationships are. If you’re not in love with the language Travis uses to narrate his story, then at least give Mrs. McGuire credit for making the story realistic and making her characters earn their respective endings. It takes 430 pages in change to get to that happy point, but it’s worth every page. With the way Travis narrates his own story, you can expect a quick reading pace, so the 400 plus pages go by rather fast. Before I put a rubber stamp on this favorable review and call it a day, I should tell you all that Jamie McGuire, before being published under the Simon & Schuster banner, started out as an independent author. It turns out her book landed in the lap of the right people and ever since then she’s been a New York Times bestseller. I bought this book because I support independent authors, since I am one myself. If McGuire continues to write wonderful books like this one, then I’ll keep on tossing money her way. It’s that simple.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“The sweetest kiss I’ve ever got is the one I’ve never tasted.”
-Rodriguez singing “Cause”-
We all have to encounter people we absolutely have a deep hatred for at some point in our lives. Like Times New Roman, you know the type. They torment you over a long period of time to the point where their name is a curse word. I have a few names that are like that for me and therefore, when I do my writing, I won’t use them when I’m introducing characters to my stories. Who knows? I may use those names for Complete Monster villains that are going to get their comeuppance eventually in my story, but it’s highly unlikely. Until somebody somewhere makes the name “cool” again, the name will go completely ignored in my stories. For instance, I used to have an aversion to the name Aaron because I got beat up in high school by a kid with that name. But when I started watching MMA and I started hearing about people named Aaron Simpson, Aaron Rosa, and Aaron Riley, the name was cool again and I started using it more often. I have characters named Aaron Jackson “AJ” Rollins and Aaron Edge, the former being a psychotic mercenary and the latter being a dark comedian. I also used to have an aversion to the name Cody because in middle school I had an aggressive bully with that name. Ever since purchasing a copy of Final Fight for the Super Nintendo and playing as a boxer named Cody, the name stopped being forbidden. You see where I’m going with this? If the name becomes used in a positive way, then I won’t have an aversion to it and I’ll use it for my characters. The most noteworthy character for Cody is a female MMA fighter who has an I at the end of her name instead of a Y. Her last name is Oliveira, by the way, and she’s a Brazilian Jiu-Jitzu ace. But then there are some names out there that have no redemption value whatsoever, mainly because nobody names their children that anymore. The most prominent example of a name that will never be cool to me is Art. I had a step-father named Art who was verbally abusive to me and my mom, so that hits close to home. I know there are people out there with the name Art that I can like. I like Art Evans (the crazy old man from the third story of Tales From the Hood), Art Wicks (an English teacher I had in college), and Art Dent (the main character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy, which is on this blog). Despite three perfectly cool people with the name Art, the name Art itself isn’t very pleasant sounding. If I ever use it in my stories, it’ll be as a last name such as Arthur or McArthur. The second and final example of a name beyond redemption is Cindy. I had a senior social studies teacher named Cindy who like Art was verbally abusive. As of today, nobody in my current life has made the name Cindy cool. I guess I should cite Cyndi Lauper as an example of someone who did, but her music sucks, so no. The only time I’ve ever used the name Cindy in a story was for someone who was a bitchy girlfriend to a comedian named Marcus Edge (Aaron Edge’s brother). As of today, the only two names that have no redemption value to me are Art and Cindy. I’ve had a lot of people express hatred toward me, but their names were made cool again, so I don’t worry about that anymore. In the words of Mike “The Streets” Skinner, do you understand or do you need an interpreter?
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Did you hear the one about me giving a shit? ‘Cause if I ever did, I don’t remember it!”
-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Under and Over It”-
When I was a kid growing up in Chehalis, Washington, commercials would constantly come up on TV for Barbie products and my mom would jokingly suggest that she should buy them for me. You know what my answer was? “Nooooooooo!!” Now that I’m an adult, it seems as though I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Somewhere along the leaden path, being called a Barbie or Ken doll became an insult. It’s constantly used as a slur against WWE Divas and any other female wrestler who happens to be skinny and pretty. Ed Schultz loves to refer to Sarah Palin as “Caribou Barbie” whenever she comes up in conversation. On the flip side, Erick Erickson once called Wendy Davis “Abortion Barbie”. So basically, this insult can work with anybody as long as they have something to attach the slur to, such as a profession, a hobby, or a belief. I don’t want you guys to think I’m actually using these insults on people, but somewhere along the way, some nut job out there could refer to Danica Patrick as “NASCAR Barbie”. Somebody could also put it out there that Bill O’Reilly is “Conservative Ken”. And yet another example could be that Mary Kay Letourneau is somehow referred to as “Statutory Rape Barbie”. I keep having to ask myself where all of these Barbie and Ken references come from. What does being a Barbie/Ken doll imply about that person? That they’re perfect in every way? That they’re plastic and fake? That they’re shallow? Or maybe there’s this stigma going around about how Barbie dolls are anatomically incorrect and that if somebody actually looked like one, they’d be fucking dead. Well, as far as I know, Danica Patrick can still walk around without breaking her ankles, so there’s no way in hell she could be “NASCAR Barbie”. You’re probably asking yourself what all this talk about girl toys has to do with literature. Well, the same thing could be applied to popular books. For example, someone could call Bella Swan “Vampire Barbie”, which would most likely be attributed to her Mary-Sue qualities. So is that what it takes for someone to be a Barbie doll? Mary-Sue attributes? I’d have to say so. If that’s the case, then the outside world is just one big doll house. But maybe if I actually ventured outside my room and into the real world to meet some of these people, it’ll be even less likely that a giant pink convertible will pick me up for a trip to the Silverdale Shopping Mall. People are Barbie and Ken dolls until you actually get to know who they are, all their faults, all their pains, and all their love. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to be a writer: because we have to work so diligently to acquaint the reader with our characters so that they don’t become Barbie and Ken dolls.
***BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY***
“Normal people scare me, but not as much as I scare them.”
If you’re lucky enough to have met a celebrity, you’ve probably had this conversation before:
“Hey there, Mr. Fancy Pants Celebrity! Can I have an autograph?”
“Sure thing, little buddy! Fifty dollars!”
“What?!”
Can you believe that? Fifty dollars for a little bit of ink. With authors, it sounds ironic at first. The average book costs anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars on Amazon (if it’s brand spanking new). These books can be anywhere from 100 to 400 pages long, which means god knows how many words. For 40 to 50 dollars more, you could have a pen signature on a piece of paper that you could read in one second flat with a grade schooler’s effort. Something doesn’t seem right here. Why pay a high price just for a little blot of ink? How exactly does a celebrity’s hand turn that little splotch of ink into gold or silver? There are easier ways to get a celebrity’s signature onto a piece of paper. You could just Google the person’s name and then print a copy of said autograph. So that probably means you would be rich by virtue of having all of these autographs that are “authentic”. But what if these signatures are forged? Then get a real one from the celebrity when he signs a restraining order against you. You can thank the Big Bang Theory for that last tip. Is all of this rambling going to lead somewhere, you ask? I know it normally doesn’t whenever somebody rambles, but trust me, I have a point to make. If it’s a celebrity who’s already making tons of money with movies, book deals, TV appearances, and whatnot, then why exactly does he need to charge $50 for a splotch of ink? If the proceeds were going to charity, then I could understand. But even so, I refuse to pay that much money for a little pen splatter despite the fact that the money might be used to help a cause I care about such as the ASPCA or schizophrenic research. If I’m going to pay $50, I want to get something in return such as cookies or T-shirts that are actually my size, which I probably won’t find if I buy too many cookies. I’m happy with donating a small amount of money, but not to a celebrity’s personal bank account (even if I idolize the celebrity like a tribal god). Maybe if the celebrity was down on his luck, I might be more sympathetic. But until then, I see no reason for the rich to continue getting richer while poor people like me continue to get poorer. Sue me. Actually, don’t do that, because the rich actually will get richer while the poor actually get poorer.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Life is like a penis, most people don’t know it: most people suck, so they usually blow it.”
-The Bloodhound Gang singing “Take the Long Way Home”-
On my Deviant Art page, I told everyone that I was going to do a blog entry on author vilification and mentioned that Stephen Chbosky wasn’t vilified himself. I was wrong. Dead wrong. The main complaint about “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” was the way the author portrayed teen sex and drug use. He made it sound so prolific that it normalized it in a way. Well, I hate to break it to his critics, but that book they’re complaining about is a cult classic. It’s been that way since its publication in 1999. But even though he’s riding a hype train that isn’t going to derail anytime soon, I’m sure Mr. Chbosky would love to get away from it all and let the dust settle. I’m sure there are authors out there who would love to do the same if they’ve generated too much controversy. Controversy isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it makes your anxiety level rise beyond normalcy, then you’re knee deep in shit. There are several things you can do if you as an author are vilified and it’s ruining your life. Firstly, it doesn’t hurt to stay away from the internet for a few days until the dust settles. If you’ve got a Twitter account, it may blow up with hateful remarks. If you’ve got a DA account like I do, it may also blow up with a nuclear strike of loathing. The dust will eventually settle and the wave of comments will sooner or later become old news. When that time comes, do not under any circumstances Google your name. I made this mistake when I Googled by Deviant Art username at the time Cybador and found a hideout, I repeat, a hideout of trolls in a website called Portal of Evil. Behind my back, they’d been trashing my drawings of animal warriors and for the next few days, I had a combination of depression and anger going on. There were times when I felt like I didn’t need a DA account anymore, especially in December of 2009 when I was vilified for an educational black comedy routine I wrote called “Class of ‘13”. I wish I could have taken my own advice of staying away from the computer for a few days. It would have brought the combat level and heartache to a bare minimum, that’s for sure. Thankfully, I’ve had many years of peace and quiet ever since those bad days and it continues to be that way. I hope you, the controversial author, can find your own peace simply by abstaining from internet combat. It’s not worth it. Take it from me. I’m battle-tested, but brokenhearted.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I feel like running away. I’m still so far from home. You say that I’ll never change, but what the fuck do you know? I’ll burn it all to the ground before I let you win. Please forgive me. I can’t forgive you now. I remember everything.”
-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Remember Everything”-
Instead of the traditional one long paragraph format I’m accustomed to, I’m going to answer questions straight out of the back of this book as clearly and as effectively as I can. Starting with…
Q: Why do you think Chbosky chose to use letters as his narrative structure?
A: Writing a letter is much different from writing a chapter in a traditional novel. Letters don’t require gory details and make for a quicker reading pace, which is what every young adult reader secretly loves.
Q: How did this structure affect the book, both in terms of the story and in terms of your reading experience?
A: In terms of story, it lets us know that Charlie is still alive by the story’s end (otherwise he wouldn’t be writing letters) and that he didn’t resort to suicide in order to cope with the losses in his life. In terms of reading experience, it made it possible for me to blaze through reading this book without tiring my eyes as quickly as I do.
Q: How would the book have been different if Chbosky had written it in first-person or third-person narrative? Without the letter format, we wouldn’t be firmly in the head of Charlie, which is a beautiful place to be as evidenced by the way he writes.
Q: Who do you think Charlie was writing to?
A: Anybody who would listen. I’m even inclined to say that these letters went to a complete stranger since they’re all addressed to someone who went nameless throughout the entire story.
Q: Does it ultimately matter whom, or even if he is, writing to someone? Why or why not?
A: I think that if he wrote the letters to actual characters in this story, it would help him “participate” in life as opposed to watching on the sidelines. He would be open and honest with whoever he was writing to and that person would be closer to him because of it.
Q: Who do you identify with the most? Did you see parts of yourself in any one specific character?
A: To be honest, I didn’t identify with anybody in this book (which doesn’t mean I couldn’t relate to the story as a whole, don’t get me wrong). Despite the many obstacles these characters go through, they had a pretty magical adolescence full of socialization and wonder. I had no such childhood. Mine was full of blunt affects and social barricades. In a way, I’m a tiny bit jealous of the adventures these kids go through.
Q: What do you think kept Charlie from “participating” when he entered high school? What held him back? Have you ever felt this way before?
A: In the beginning, Charlie suffered from something that I’m currently suffering now as an adult: social awkwardness. He wouldn’t participate because initially nobody would let him. I feel this way every single day of my life.
Q: Who is Charlie’s greatest ally? Who is his worst influence?
A: His greatest ally is Sam, because she was the first to let him know what true love really feels like. She made him feel like he could have a social life when he grew up instead of being confined to his family all the time. Charlie’s worst influence is Mary Elizabeth, because she tried to dominate his life by smothering him. Charlie is in many ways an introverted character and to have that lack of control over his own life hurt him badly.
Q: From Naked Lunch by William B. Burroughs to Harold and Maude to the Beatles’ song “Dear Prudence”, Charlie references numerous pieces of literature, film, and music. How did these references shape your reading? Why are they so important to Charlie?
A: While I was only familiar with one reference throughout the entire book (Pink Floyd singing Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2), the multitude of references led me to believe that Charlie was soaking in as many influences as he possibly could so that they could shape him into a wonderful human being. Having influences is ultimately what drives a person to pursue his dreams.
Q: When Bill invites Charlie over for lunch Charlie observes, “He was talking for real. It was strange.” What do you think Charlie means by “real”? How does he discern between what is real and what is not real?
A: When he says real, he means that Bill was being honest about his thoughts and emotions with no filter of any kind. Anybody who squanders opportunities to speak their mind and be open with their fellow humans is not real in Charlie’s mind.
Q: Sam confronts Charlie before she leaves for college, pleading: “You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.” Do you agree with Sam? How does this exchange relate to their relationship on a grander scale?
A: I agree with Sam because relationships are two way streets. If one person isn’t happy, neither is the other person, which is why the relationship between Charlie and Mary Elizabeth fell apart so easily. Sam felt like Charlie had a filter between his mind and mouth and wasn’t always honest about what he felt about her.
Q: Discuss Aunt Helen’s character and presence in the novel. Were you surprised when the truth about her relationship with Charlie was revealed? In what other ways did seemingly positive aspects of Charlie’s life turn out to be negative?
A: Everybody has demons in their lives in one way or another. The fact that Aunt Helen’s demons of being molested were revealed doesn’t shock or surprise me, because I’ve seen a lot of horrible things in my life and I’m numb to everything. Another positive that turned into a negative was Charlie discovering that his relationship with Sam wasn’t unbreakable. She was hurt badly when Charlie betrayed Mary Elizabeth and wasn’t inclined to forget about it for a long time.
Q: After watching the art film with Mary Elizabeth, Charlie says: “The movie itself was very interesting, but I didn’t think it was very good because I didn’t really feel different when it was over.” Do you agree with Charlie that in order to be “good”, creative works must make you feel differently? Who did you feel after reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower?
A: Even in minor ways, yes, creative works have to make you feel differently. If you’re watching an action movie, you should be excited. If you’re watching a romantic movie, you should learn to believe in love again. In terms of this book, I did feel differently. I felt jealous that I couldn’t have the same romantic relationships as Charlie had when I was a teenager. It inspired me to write a heavy metal song called “The Language of Fire”, which doesn’t need much explaining as to what it’s about.
Q: Discuss the following passage: “Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective. Sometimes I think that the only perspective is to really be there.” How has Charlie’s outlook shifted from the beginning of the story?
A: In the beginning, he allowed his parents to tell him that his problems weren’t comparable to a starving child in China. By the end of the story, he realized that despite other people having it worse, the problems still remain and still need attention.
Q: The Perks of Being a Wallflower grapples with a complex, universally difficult stage in life. What reflections did it inspire about your own life? What parts of the story resonated most deeply with you?
A: Considering that most of my childhood was riddled with bullying, the part of the story that hit me the hardest was the cafeteria fight scene where Patrick had to be rescued from the homophobic football players. The ratio of my childhood of bullying to friendship weighed heavily in favor of the former, so anytime Charlie discussed how great his friendships were, I got jealous.
And there you have it! Ballgame!
***PARODY DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
FLOYDIAN TEACHER: Poems, everybody! The laddie reckons himself a poet!
ME: You’re damn right I do!
-Pink Floyd the Wall-
No, I wasn’t actually in that movie (it came out before I was born), but that would have been me if the teacher accosted me the way he accosted Pink.
Not every schizophrenic patient is going to grow up to be the next Henry Lucas. Even fewer autistic people are going to be the next Richard Ramirez. And yet, the stereotypes of mentally ill people are running rampant in the movies we watch, the books we read, the videogames we play, God knows what else. It doesn’t just begin and end with people confusing schizophrenia for Multiple Personality Disorder. Even I did that back in the day before I became the person I am now. I’m talking about stories on internet news sites that say a mentally ill person was shot by police whilst holding nothing but a cell phone. And then there’s another story where a mentally ill person refuses to drop a knife while staring out in the distance. And then there’s another story where cops shoot a suicidal depressed person. These mental illness stereotypes aren’t just ignorant. They’re changing the way we look at public policy and criminal law. It has somehow become okay to shoot a mentally ill person simply because they’re automatically classified as evil serial killers or sociopaths. What does any of this have to do with literature? I’m glad you asked. I always appreciate it when a published book manages to portray a mental illness with honesty instead of ignorant fear. There’s a recently released memoir on Amazon called “January First” by Michael Schofield that chronicles his struggle to raise a daughter with childhood schizophrenia. Yes, she has become violent and argumentative. But is any of it malicious? Hell no. Something’s happening to her brain that she has no control over. The aggressive voices in her head scream violent orders at her until she actually does them. And then the voices want more, and then the voices want more, and then the voices want more. Speaking as a schizophrenic who’s had it since my late teens, this is what an accurate portrayal of what the mental illness is like. It’s relentless torture using sounds and imagery that only exist within the patient’s world. It has nothing to do with being a serial killer or a rapist. While it’s true that there are some serial killers and rapists who were classified as mentally ill, it doesn’t say the same thing about the rest of the disabled population. We need more books that portray this sentiment accurately. And for God’s sake, not every PTSD sufferer is going to grow up to fill an entire town full of holes like Rambo did in “First Blood”. Yes, we’ll reach out to those who can help us, but only if those people recognize us as pain-wracked sufferers instead of vicious monsters.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“How can you just be yourself when you don’t know who you are? Stop saying, ‘I know how you feel.’ How can anyone know how someone else feels?”
-Dialogue from “Song of Myself” by Nightwish-
After reading “Nowhere to Run”, you have to wonder to yourself which one is worse: hearing dueling banjos in the middle of the forest or hearing something played on a pink iPod that was stolen off of a random woman’s belongings? If you answered the latter, you were probably quivering in your snakeskin boots at the presence of Camish and Caleb Grim. And why wouldn’t you? They’ve been slashing tents, butchering elk, and vandalizing property all over the park that Joe Pickett has to investigate. Not only do the two brothers appear to be the ones who did it, but they’re not going down without a fight. And when they fight, they use the most vicious tactics a hunting bow and bone-crunching traps can provide. Good luck, Mr. Government Man, I mean, Mr. Pickett! As long as we’re wishing good luck to a guy that’s been referred to as a “government man” (much to his chagrin), I believe it’s time to fill you in on what CJ Box appears to be about. In terms of political acumen, it would seem that Mr. Box is a mirror image of Carl Hiaasen. And why wouldn’t the former be? He lives in Wyoming and walks around in a cowboy hat all day long. It’s not a huge secret that Wyoming is a hotbed for conservative politics. A lot of those politics show through in CJ Box’s writing, particularly as it relates to much later in the book where government corruption runs rampant. The woman that Joe Pickett is looking for up in these mountains was said to have been a diehard Ayn Rand fan. The Grim brothers weren’t much different when asked about their political stances. As a hardcore liberal and even more hardcore socialist, I should be upset that one of my favorite books has this kind of agenda attached to it. The truth is, I’m not. I’m not shocked that a cowboy from Wyoming thinks differently from me. My only advice to readers of his books is to enjoy them for their quick pace, intelligent writing style, and three-dimensional characters all across the board. I even dare say that I could learn something from Mr. Box as it relates to my own writing. Then again, whenever I compare myself to someone else, I usually end up hating what I’ve written down. Short moments of low self-esteem are a small price to pay for learning how to write from one of the best in the business: CJ Box.
***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“So as everyone here knows, Mr. Randy Blythe is free and well. We’re going to do this next song for him. Because no one gets left behind!”
-Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch-
Being lonely sucks. Being in a dysfunctional relationship sucks. Breaking up sucks. And yet despite all of these aspects of relationships sucking, we continue to seek love in the strangest places. For me, I look for them in the stories I soak in whether they’re from books, movies, or songs. But when I choose a romantic medium to hold near and dear to my heart, I don’t want it to be cheesier than a Domino’s Pizza. Step down and shake it off, Harlequin, you don’t belong here. I hate to say this, but Fifty Shades of Grey and The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty don’t belong here either despite having their own posts on this blog. To my way of thinking, stories where two star-crossed lovers run in each other’s arms and fuck passionately in a perfect agreement is fake romance. I can’t relate to anything that’s perfect because I am not a perfect person. On the contrary, I’m a shy recluse who wants a relationship with a woman, but can’t ask for one because of my social barriers. Those are the stories I want to involve myself with: the shy guy or shy girl being wooed by someone who sees through their social awkwardness. Pretty much every movie I’ve seen at the art theater in Tacoma called The Grand Cinema has this premise from Safety Not Guaranteed to Mud to The Silver Linings Playbook to my absolute favorite so far, Obselidia. The latter of these four movies really yanked at my heart strings. In case you’re not familiar with this independent masterpiece, it’s about a lonely librarian named George who thinks love is obsolete since babies can be made artificially and sex is disposable. And then he meets a cinema projectionist named Sophie, who shows him that loving each other is what makes the world work. Sounds like a perfect premise, right? Not so fast, pacho. By the movie’s end, George visits Sophie’s house to deliver flowers and there’s a male voice in the background that says, “Who is it, sweetie?” Needless to say, George was heartbroken. I’d even dare say that he cried relentlessly over this turn of events. Mere moments after walking out of that movie theater with my parents, I got in the car and started listening to a cover of “Careless Whisper” by Seether on my MP3 player. When you combine Obselidia with Seether, your heartstrings will not only be tugged at, but it’ll be done with the force of a tow truck. Want some other combinations? How about The Sessions and Toto? A Late Quartet and The Moody Blues? The possibilities are endless when it comes to looking for ways to break your own heart. Even Harry Potter has elements of realistic romance, which is more than anybody can say about the Twilight series, as long as we’re continuing the war between those two canons. Hehe! War and cannons. I swear that was an accident. The point I’m trying to make is that if you’re looking for cheese, go to an Italian restaurant and order a pizza. If you want real romance that actually inspires and saddens at the same time, look for media that doesn’t have a Mary-Sue identity. To close this out with a bang, even Five Finger Death Punch is capable of realistic romance with the song “Walk Away”. Suck on that, Harlequin! Actually, don’t do that, it’ll just turn into a cheesy sex scene if you do.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor. As the music dies, something in your eyes calls to mind the silver screen and all its sad goodbyes. I’m never gonna dance again, ‘cause guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool. I should have known better than the cheat a friend and waste the chance that I’ve been given. So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you.”
-Seether singing “Careless Whisper” by Wham!-
Whenever my niece Reina watches anime on TV, I always make it a point to poke my head in the room and say something along these lines in a high-pitched girl voice: “Yuki yuki suki! Teriyaki fried chicken! Let’s kill the monsters! Yay!” The first time I mocked her shows in this way, she marched up to me and yelled, “Don’t make fun of my show!” before giving me one of her patented tickle attacks on the armpits and belly. Little does Reina know that there was a point in my life where I enjoyed anime just as much as she did. Whenever someone asked me what anime shows I watched, I said, “Just the ones they show on Cartoon Network”. And boy, did Cartoon Network have a huge rolodex of anime back in the late 90’s and mid 2000’s. My very first anime show was a gem from the 90’s called Robotech. I kept falling head over heels in love with Lisa Hayes and Dana Sterling. I never wanted to admit being in love with anybody since I feared gold-diggers back then, but Lisa Hayes and Dana Sterling are both cartoon characters, so I’m pretty much safe. But not all of the anime shows in those days were lovey-dovey kissy-kissy escapades. Most of them were action-packed thrill rides like Dragon Ball Z and Gundam Wing. Just once I would have loved to see Heero Yuy (whilst piloting a giant robot named Wing Zero) battle it out with Vegeta in a knockdown, drag-’em-out blood brawl. Only in nerdy fan fiction would that ever happen. A few years after the emergence of TV-Y7 anime shows, we had something called Adult Swim (before it degenerated into mindless filth). Cowboy Bebop was the premiere anime to come from that programming block. Spike Spiegel was a calm and collected badass and Fay Valentine was a gorgeous bombshell: what else could you want from a show about intergalactic bounty hunting with a jazz soundtrack? Since Cowboy Bebop had tons of success on Adult Swim, we began seeing more anime shows in the TV-14 category such as Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Samurai Champloo, and Inuyasha. Rule number one: don’t watch Ghost in the Shell with a schizophrenic brain; you won’t understand a damn part of the plotline. Rule number two: combining a music genre with an action genre will always yield positive results; Samurai Champloo combined hip-hop with, you guessed it, samurai action. Rule number three: give the ASPCA a call every time Kigome uses the sit command on Inuyasha; because Inuyasha has dog ears, that counts as animal cruelty. I guess you want to know if all this gushing over anime is going to go anywhere. It is. I once read a quote on Writer’s Circle that advised aspiring authors to soak in as much media as they could so that they could have inspiration for their books. I spent my entire teenaged life doing just that with anime shows and videogames. While I don’t partake in either of those two mediums much anymore, I am getting things done with my writing in a way that wasn’t possible with limited skills in my teenaged years. Despite how grateful I am to Japanese anime for the inspiration it gave me, I’m still going to haunt Reina every chance I get with the “Yuki yuki suki” quote…whether she’s watching anime or a god-awful show on Disney or Nickelodeon.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What does Dan Schneider drive to work every day?
A: Toe truck.
Quick question before I begin: does anybody here know what a “whale road” is? When I first heard this term in college, I never once imagined that it could be interpreted as an ocean that Beowulf swam through just for fun. I actually thought it was a dirt road littered with fresh whale corpses that stunk up the place worse than a limburger factory in the middle of a cow pasture. You know what else confused me? “Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?” “I’m over here, you dumb bitch!” Yes, that’s an actual joke I used in Foe vs. Blade’s medieval fantasy story called Down. These two examples don’t even scratch the surface of what I like to call “mysterious writing”. It’s not to be confused with the mystery genre, which is a legitimate business considering that my first favorite book was a crime thriller called “The Cleaner” by Brett Battles. When I say “mysterious writing”, I mean writing that uses weird descriptors that take way too long to sink in. Shakespeare was the worst offender when it came to mysterious writing. Somewhere in his works is a description where he talks about a wreath being pulled down a metal pole that’s somehow supposed to represent a woman being a slut. Actually, a pole going into a wreath can be construed as sexual, but I don’t think that’s what Shakespeare was going for. In all of his infinite wisdom, he decided that it had to be deeper than a mere Freudian complex. Kids, take this as a lesson not to engage in deep writing unless you actually know what the fuck you’re talking about. Being deep is not the problem; being arrogant and confusing is. I don’t care how many Pulitzer Prizes you win as a result of using awkward descriptions. If you use awkward descriptions, chances are good you suck at writing. But of course, it’s hard to convince somebody of that when they’re making millions of dollars from royalties and living in houses with golden swimming pools in the back. In case you think I’m being mysterious by saying that, I actually mean swimming pools made from melted gold. The lesson you can take away from this blog entry comes in the form of a four-letter acronym known as KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Nobody’s going to think you’re boring if you use a simple writing style. In fact, they may thank you for it in the long run. But if you’re going to be complex, then at least make it accessible to anybody who happens to live in the 21st Century. I’m not saying you have to LOL at your BFF. In fact, you should never do that under any circumstances!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
"Cold turkey’s getting stale. Tonight I’m eating crow."
-Green Day singing "Hitchin' a Ride"-
I’d like to think that there’s a huge difference between liking somebody and making somebody your own personal hero. When you like someone, you merely enjoy their aesthetically pleasing presence. When someone is your hero, you change your behavior to emulate that person. Today’s blog entry is about the latter of those two archetypes: heroes and influences. These are a few of my own personal heroes:
Susan Cain. I’ve talked about her extensively when I reviewed “Quiet”. She’s highly introverted and has no problem sticking up for other introverts in a world that doesn’t want to shut the fuck up. I’m an introvert myself, so I enjoy it when Susan Cain speaks on my behalf. Thanks, Ms. Cain. You’re awesome. And pretty too!
Pink Floyd. When I was a kid going to middle school and high school in the conservative hotbed known as Chehalis, Washington, I cherished it every time Roger Waters stuck his mouth against the mike and said, “We don’t need no education!” Come to think of it, I can still hear his voice calling out to me even after I’ve graduated from the extroverted hellhole that was college.
Daniel Bryan. Whenever I watch him on WWE TV, I always make it a point to leap to my feet as the match is going on. This past Monday night, he did something that I never thought I’d see him do: he beat three guys in one sitting in a gauntlet match. He submitted Jack Swagger, pinned Antonio Cesaro, and got Ryback disqualified (it seems hollow, but it’s still a victory over a third wrestler). There may be hope for this technical wizard after all.
Brett Battles. Even after going to college in 2009, I never really considered myself an avid bookworm, which was ironic knowing that my major was in creative writing. Instead of being a mediocre writer for the rest of my career, I picked up a book by Brett Battles called “The Cleaner” and the rest is history. I have a book blog and I’m a better writer because of that first step.
George Carlin. Not only did this guy make me laugh my ass off every time I watched him, but he spoke the truth while he did it. He was an anti-conformist who had no respect for authority whether it was from government, corporations, religion, the police, or any other power that enjoys beating people over the head with a club and telling them what to believe. When he died in 2008, I fell into a depression. That’s how much this guy meant to me.
This may not be the entire list, but it’s all I can think of at the moment. I’m open to listening to your list of heroes and influences as well. We’ve got ears, say cheers! Come to think of it, Mickey Mouse can be my hero as well!
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear for no pay and no pension.”
-George Carlin-
From the very moment I started reading this book, Susan Cain became my instant hero. Like her, I too am introverted and always appreciate it when somebody recognizes it instead of dismisses it for weirdness. Introverts are not weird people. Enjoying peaceful moments to yourself doesn’t make you antisocial or awkward. It simply means that the world is too noisy for you and you prefer to be alone so that you can actually get things done. Extroverts, you don’t need to worry about a thing, because Susan Cain is not striking against you in this book. She’s not suggesting that introverts are better people than extroverts. She’s suggesting that there should be a balance between them and that these differences need to be accommodated for, whether it’s in the workplace or in a college classroom. I wish someone like Susan Cain spoke to my teachers in college about this subject. In pretty much every class I attended, the students were graded on class participation. One of my theater teachers was one of the worst offenders when it came to singling out introverts since class participation accounted for 30% of the overall grade. You can imagine what emotional pain I was in by the time the class was over after having exhausted every resource in my brain just to make academic small talk. Because of the fact that western world schools force their students to speak up, I may never attend another college class again for the rest of my life. My privacy and solitude mean that much to me. But seeing as how teachers aren’t going to readily change their minds, then I have a suggestion for them that Susan Cain would wholeheartedly agree with. In lieu of class participation, the shy students should be able to post their thoughts on an internet message board. With that kind of wall between the introvert and the rest of the class, solitude and privacy are maintained due to the fact that internet conversations aren’t physically imposing. I’ll even settle for a one-on-one conversation with my teacher over Skype. The point that this book is trying to make is that if someone wants to be left alone or be cerebral, don’t take it personally when he shuts you out. It’s never personal. We’re not misanthropes or antisocial. We’re just peace lovers. Thank you, Susan Cain, for standing up for the quiet types like me and many others out there who are being blocked out by the American noise.
***CLASSROOM DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: It’s actually easier to suspend your disbelief with nonfiction than it is with fiction.
LEE: You think?
-Nonfiction Seminar at WWU-
