Cookie Cutter Cutie Pies

VERSE 1

If you’ve seen one of them, you’ve seen them all

Each and every one of them are Barbie dolls

Packed in tight at the crowded shopping malls

Skipping and prancing down the fucking halls

The walking dead have got some fucked up heads

Doing anything to get someone in their bed

The supermodel body with the perfect measurements

The supermodel ego with the perfect evidence

CHORUS

Cut, copy, past, repeat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

Mental vegetable and social meat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

VERSE 2

Making love isn’t the same without passion

Conforming to shallow values and fashion

I might as well date a giant lump of clay

Or a burning effigy made of paper mache

Black credit card or just working hard?

Sugar baby princess or god among insects?

One way or another, we meet our fates together

Will you stay standing after the storm we weather?

CHORUS

Cut, copy, past, repeat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

Mental vegetable and social meat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

BRIDGE

Legacy of ecstasy

Schism of hedonism

No matter what you call it, it doesn’t change the fact

You’re a follower of sheep, not the leader of the pack

EXTENDED CHORUS

Cut, copy, past, repeat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

Mental vegetable and social meat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

When the ship comes in, you’re ready to cheat!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

Stepping on backs with your nine inch heel feet!

Cookie cutter cutie pies! Cookie cutter cutie pies!

Cookie! Cutter! Cutie! Pies!

It’s all just bullshit and lies!

Cheaters

TV SHOW TITLE: Cheaters

CREATOR: Bobby Goldstein

YEARS ACTIVE: 2000-present

GENRE: Reality Television

RATING: TV-14 for language, sexual content, and mild violence

GRADE: Mixed

Deep in the heart of Texas, the Cheaters Private Investigators go undercover as they try to catch their clients’ significant others cheating on their relationship with other partners. Each “story” starts with the client giving a brief description of his or her relationship issues and then the PI’s go on a camera stakeout of the cheating partner’s whereabouts.

After seeing the footage of infidelity, the client then is given the choice to confront his or her cheating paramour, to which they always say “yes”. Every confrontation is nasty, violent, and laced with censored swear words.

Let’s face it, the confrontations are the only real reason anybody watches the show. We like action and WWE and UFC won’t always come through for us. Unlike those two organizations, the fights on Cheaters aren’t even close to being graceful or athletic. Sometimes it’s a slap fight. Sometimes drinks are thrown. Most of the time, people just roll around on top of each other and throw haymakers.

It’s not Jackie Chan cinema, but it’s entertaining to watch nonetheless. It’s even more entertaining when these fights end up in the favor of the clients and not the cheating bastards he or she is confronting.

But sometimes it doesn’t always work out for the client and he or she gets an undeserved verbal or physical beat down. The reason this show gets a mixed grade is because the injustices happen way too often. One example is with the Trevor Olson case, where Trevor was really skinny and his girlfriend’s lover Sean was this hulking behemoth. Guess who won the shoving matches while having an over-inflated ego about it? That’s right: Sean.

The most infamous example of romantic injustice was with the Lily Santiago case, where the cheating husband shouted curses at her and the female paramour beat the crap out of her on live TV. Despite the mountain of evidence Lily had against her husband in a potential divorce case, the husband still had a massive ego and was still verbally abusive, which led me to believe he might have won the case.

Another issue that needs to be touched on is the revolving door of hosts for the show. First it was an unexciting bore named Tommy Grand. And then we had Joey Greco, who was full of puns, delightfully condescending to the cheating party, and protective and valiant toward his clients. Joey was such an awesome host that he got to do the show for a little over a decade before his hosting duties were turned over to Clark Gable III.

No, you didn’t read that wrong. The grandson of famous actor Clark Gable is now doing an unsophisticated piece of television called Cheaters. During the first season he did, Clark raised his voice and was generally annoying to listen to. The following seasons, he was too laidback and had no passion for his duties whatsoever. Maybe instead of asking “Scooby-Doo, where are you?!”, we should pose that question to Joey Greco.

In spite of the mixed grade I give this show, I continued to watch it with religious zeal. It was my Saturday night ritual: watching Cheaters with my best friend Susan as the two of us make fun of the dumb characters. We also like to poke fun at the commercials for Belviq that come on during the show, where the actors seem overly confused about their eating habits and then all of the sudden have an overactive social life after taking the pills.

This WAS our Saturday night ritual and then for some reason, Joe TV, a local Seattle channel, decided to stop showing Cheaters. My Roku won’t come through for me either. To say I’m having Cheaters withdrawal is an understatement. Come back, guys! Come back! I’ll raise your grade to Extra Credit if you do! I promise! Scout’s honor, even though I’m not a Boy Scout.

"Lonely Day" by System of a Down

As someone who spends his days waiting for rides to the grocery store and figures to come up on my Deviant Art, Good Reads, and Smash Words accounts, I can appreciate how crippling boredom is. “Lonely Day” by System of a Down happens to be about boredom. But to me, it holds a very special meaning. Back in 2006, I had a best friend on Deviant Art named Colleen. The two of us were working on a tandem novel together. I don’t share my workload with anybody, so that said a lot about how much I valued Colleen’s friendship. It was my turn to write a chapter and I chose to do a dream sequence where one of the main characters, Morgan Gat, was at a high school dance. Everybody was dancing in each other’s arms and in some cases making out…except for Morgan. Morgan got all dressed up in fancy clothes, bought a bouquet of flowers, and showered with Axe products. You know who he did this for? Anybody who would pay attention to him. When nobody wanted to dance with him, he got frustrated to the point of boiling hot blood and salty wet tears. He did something that no high schooler should have to do: he went outside and dropkicked the bouquet of flowers into the parking lot. After the flowers covered some distance, Morgan caught up with them again and began double-stomping them until they were ripped to shreds. Everybody stuck-up girl inside that gymnasium did the same thing that night, except with Morgan’s heart. And then there was Colleen’s character in the parking lot. For the life of me, I can’t remember the character’s name, but she did something that touched Morgan’s heart in a profound way. She slow-danced with him to “Lonely Day”. “Such a lonely day should be banned. It’s a day that I can’t stand.” It was the most magical moment that could ever exist between two people. Years later, though, the novel would be scrapped due to inactivity and even further into time, Colleen broke off her friendship with me when she got a new Deviant Art account and blocked mine. What motivated Colleen to hate me all of the sudden, I’ll never know. It must have had something to do with the fact that I would continually call her “Colleen-Pie”. But is that really a reason to break off a beautiful friendship with someone? Thanks to her, “Lonely Day” has a brand new meaning to me. In addition to the boredom I feel at home, I also feel betrayed by Colleen and rightfully so. Even so, I will not let a good storyline go to waste. In my short story queue for the WSS group on Good Reads, I still have the flower kicking gimmick and it’s still going to take place at a high school dance. But this time, we’re going to do it right. It’s going to be one of my masterpieces, with or without Colleen.

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“This week on Cheaters, John discovers that his barista girlfriend is putting the cream topping on another man’s coffee.”

-Bob Magruder narrating “Cheaters”-

The No Nookie Clause

Whenever you read a book or watch TV and see two characters who would be perfect romantically, the natural response is to swoon at them and pair them together. While they would make an awesome power couple, there’s an unwritten rule in place called “The No Nookie Clause”. This rule implies that there’s some invisible force keeping these two people from ever coming together. This invisible force could be anything from family ties to workplace rules to even crippling shyness. The No Nookie Clause was implemented recently in episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. In the season opener, Marty Deeks confesses to Kensi Blye that the only thing that got him through his traumatic torture experience with the drill in his mouth was picturing Kensi’s lovely features and positive aura. A few episodes later, they finally make their longtime-coming relationship official. And during that same episode, Kensi Blye is magically transported overseas for a mission that requires indefinite support while Marty Deeks stays in Los Angeles with day-to-day NCIS operations. Neither Hetty Lange nor Owen Granger, the two authority figures, will fess up to bringing the hammer down using the No Nookie Clause, but it’s heavily implied that they did. If you didn’t already have a reason to question nookie banning from the workplace, you have it now. It’s a heartbreaking situation that didn’t need to happen. If two people love each other, let them be together. It’s as simple as that. With workplace nookie, authority figures like to argue that emotional attachment will screw up their job performance. While it may seem awkward after the eventual breakup, it’s still not right to send your workers home to crysterbate at 11:00 at night over all of this. Everybody needs love and it should matter not where it comes from, unless of course said lover was a minor or married, then it would be problematic. But the last time I checked, Deeks and Kensi were not teenagers and neither of them had rings on their fingers. After reading this blog entry, you’re probably wondering why I would write so passionately about a subject such as fictional romance and why I would repeatedly use the word nookie. The latter of the two questions is easy: I’m a Limp Bizkit fan. That’s all that needs to be said. The former is not quite as easy to explain. At my age, I’m supposed to have enough emotional maturity to not fuss over fictional romance. I want you all to know that I’m not fussing. This NCIS: Los Angeles case study is something all writers can use. If you have two characters who need pairing, make it so. You can tiptoe around it if you want in order to build suspense, but if it seems natural, do it. It worked between Jasmine (rich princess) and Aladdin (homeless vagrant), so that’s saying something.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

CLARK GABLE: Are you pissed off that your boyfriend lied to you?

LISA: No, I’m happy about it!

-Cheaters-