"Oink" by Matt Whyman

If you thought big ol’ piggy pies were cute and cuddly, try having mini-pigs! Little fun size babies you can hold in the palm of your hand! Actually, as author Matt Whyman will tell you, his two latest runts, Butch and Roxy, are literally and figuratively a handful. Matt already has four children, a wife, a cat, some chickens, and a puppy-duppy. What the hell, why not throw two little oinker babies into the mix? Of all the animals Matt Whyman has, including the humans, Butch and Roxy were easily the rowdiest of the bunch and therefore gave him the most fits. Want to know all the things mini-oinkers are capable of? How about leaving a warm yellow puddle of piss over Matt’s feet while he’s trying to write children’s stories? Or maybe they can chew on the controller and wires for his Playstation One. Or if you really want a reason to get the blood boiling, how about ripping up the neighbor’s yard during an attempted robbery? The thing is, the piggy pies actually did more damage than the actual burglars. And the neighbor? He’s never in a good mood, so one could only imagine the kind of trouble Matt would be in once he came home. Despite all of these incidents that would normally give Matt Whyman a heart attack, he goes through a progression throughout the memoir where he learns to enjoy the controlled chaos and that all members of his family keep the unit together. In other words, “Oink” is every bit as heartwarming as it is silly and giggly. It actually reads like a novel and follows the formula very well despite the fact that it’s clearly nonfiction. When you read through it, you have no reason to believe that his storybook ending could be anything but nonfiction. He’s not just a celebrity who writes one book about his life with the help of a ghostwriter. Matt Whyman is a veteran author. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he puts pen to paper. He controls the pace, he writes in a giggly tone, and he’s got a great vocabulary. If those three things aren’t enough reason to buy this book, then at least buy it for the cute and cuddly mini-oinkers! AWW!!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Sir, I don’t think ‘piss like a dog’ is a real expression. It’s ‘piss like a racehorse‘. How exactly do you piss like a dog? Do you lift one leg and do it over a fire hydrant?”

-Brad Loekle-

"Countdown to Lockdown" by Mick Foley

“Thank you, Vince McMahon, for making my decision to leave WWE an easy one!” These were the words spoken by Mick Foley when he jumped ship from World Wrestling Entertainment to Total Nonstop Action Wrestling in 2008. If he hadn’t jumped ship, he wouldn’t have had an amazing match with Sting at Lockdown for the TNA World Championship. “Countdown to Lockdown” is a memoir that documents Mick Foley’s moments leading up to his main event match at that same pay-per-view along with the events that led him to leave WWE. This book was published in 2010, a time in Foley’s life where his wrestling career is on hold due to his advanced age and the many injuries he’s accumulated along the way. The number of matches he wrestled during the time documented in this memoir was not the normal amount that a much younger wrestler would have from week to week. One of the things Foley did to make himself useful within the WWE was color commentary on Friday Night Smackdown. Being at that booth was one of the many reasons why leaving WWE was so easy for him since Vince McMahon would actually scream and cuss at him through the headsets while he did commentary. And then you have the many storylines that Vince came up with that would have been worthy of an award for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. The Katie Vick storyline was a huge example of this since it involved murder and necrophilia. And then there was the time Vince McMahon did a skit where he mocked Jim Ross’s colon surgery. But the one storyline that set Mick Foley off was Vince’s limousine exploding and apparently “killing” him. Foley felt that this storyline cheapened death around a time where a WWE superstar had actually died: Chris Benoit. Upon leaving WWE due to these disgraceful storylines, Foley trained hard to get in shape for the few matches he had in TNA. He practiced promotional monologues in order to get people to buy the Lockdown pay-per-view in the first place. All of his time and effort paid off in the end since his match with Sting turned out to be more than just “good enough for his age”. It was spectacular. These words are coming from a guy who doesn’t have any illusions about what he does or how long he’s going to do it, which makes the story all the more believable and Foley a likable guy. It also helps that he can be lighthearted in moments where he’s putting his body on the line and crack a few jokes. We may never know when Mick Foley’s wrestling career will end, but I certainly hope his creative writing days will continue beyond his retirement.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I have a question for Damien Sandow. If Michael Cole’s stupidity is a handicap, will he get a better parking space?”

-Jerry Lawler-

"Nightmare Hour" by RL Stine

It’s very tempting to laugh at a full-grown adult reading anything by RL Stine, considering that he’s been dubbed “the Stephen King of children’s fiction”. The operative word in that tout is of course “children’s”. But when you actually take “Nightmare Hour” off the shelf and start tooling through it, you begin to think to yourself, “This is children’s fiction? Really?” While it is true that there are no swear words or sexual situations, this anthology isn’t short on disturbing moments. How would you like to have a horde of fuzzy brown spiders crawling up and down your arm…and eventually underneath your skin? Or if you don’t have a heart attack just yet, picture your head being on the end of a pumpkin vine for some sick farmer’s enjoyment. Still keeping your distance from that bottle of Xanax? Try picturing having your foot chopped off after being mistaken for a kid with diabetes. These moments mark some of the scariest in the entire book. I would dare say that these stories are a complete 180 from what I’ve read in the Goosebumps series during my middle school days. Goosebumps is merely TV-Y7-rated material. Always has been and continues to be when the TV version is being syndicated on The Hub. Would you like to take a guess as to where on the TV rating spectrum Nightmare Hour lies? I’d say somewhere between TV-PG and TV-14. Of course, the stories in Nightmare Hour that managed to make it on TV don’t agree with this philosophy. It could be because translations to television aren’t always faithful to the book. I haven’t seen these syndicated episodes, but after seeing the nasty shit that happened in the book, it’s definitely on my bucket list. Hell, I just may kick the bucket while watching an episode of an RL Stine TV show due to having a massive heart attack that even faithful McDonald’s customers never experience. If you’re an adult and reading this book, don’t be ashamed. It’s okay to be frightened and disturbed, but being ashamed is definitely out of the question. Boogedy-boogedy-boo!

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I hope that when your head is separated from your shoulders, it’s treated with a little more respect than what you’ve shown our victim.”

-Ducky from “NCIS”-

"The New Rules" and "The New New Rules" by Bill Maher

New Rule: ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some right-wingers came out with an ice cream to counteract the hippies at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like “Smaller Govern-Mint”, “I Hate the French Vanilla”, and “Iraqi Road”. I know, anything to get Ann Coulter to eat. But these guys are missing the whole point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: wing nuts have to stop saying that they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.

New Rule: couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.

New Rule: parents have to stop telling me that their little daughter is going to be a heart-breaker or that she’s flirting with me. It’s just plain creepy. Plus, it makes me regret having lunch alone at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

New Rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.

New Rule: if you protest motorcycle helmet laws by not wearing a helmet and you get into an accident, you deserve to die.

New Rule: Chinese restaurants have to stop being judgmental whenever I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime. Give me a fork before it dawns on me what the fuck I’m really eating.

These examples are just a few of what you can expect from Bill Maher’s two books “New Rules” and “The New New Rules”. If you need current examples, watch his show on HBO every Friday night. We’re going to overtime!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MORT: Peter, you’re swallowing those suppositories?
PETER: No, I’m shoving them up my ass. Of course I’m swallowing them!

-Family Guy-

"Nature Girl" by Carl Hiaasen

Close your eyes and picture the following scene. You’re eating dinner with your family and everything seems peaceful. And then all of the sudden, like a tuba blast to the ears, the phone rings and it’s an annoying and obnoxious telemarketer trying to sell you shit you don’t need. Now picture that the person answering the phone as a crazy woman who hasn’t been on her meds in a long while and is capable of the worst kind of erratic behavior imaginable. Then picture the telemarketer as a vulgar hack with the charisma and personality of an orange peel. Put all of these images together and you’ve got the makings of a Carl Hiaasen gem known as “Nature Girl”. But wait, there’s more to it than a crazy lady trying to get revenge on a clown of a telemarketer. You’ve also got the near-fingerless ex-husband of said crazy lady who wants to kidnap her as a slave to his disgusting perversions. And you’ve got an Indian who just wants some peace and quiet out in the Florida Everglades. And a drunk and horny college chick who won’t leave said Indian alone. With so many angles to keep track of, you’d have to wonder how an author doesn’t drive himself insane trying to mesh them together in a creative and entertaining way. Not Carl Hiaasen. For him, crazy plotlines and humorous detective work are all in a day’s work. He alone has perfected a genre of literature known as the “environmental thriller”. In short, someone out there is trying to screw with mother nature and whoever does it gets what they so dearly deserve in the end. With this kind of wit and knowledge on his side, Carl Hiaasen should do a book on BP and the cluster-fuck they’ve caused in the Gulf Coast. I bet he’d have a field day with those corporate thugs! Or a heart attack, depending on how bad it really is out there. With these environmental thrillers, including Nature Girl, Carl Hiaasen not only entertains, he also raises awareness of all the harmful things happening in his home state of Florida. Oh, and did I mention that he’s also known for writing at a breakneck pace? You’ll probably blow through “Nature Girl” in record time because he doesn’t mess around…aside from when he’s peppering his books with reasons to LOL on your Face Book page. If you need an influential author to cling to, make it Carl Hiaasen. He’ll never let you down.

　

***PSEUDO-TWEET OF THE DAY***

Why is it that whenever a pundit says something offensive on the air, someone from the opposing side wants to have lunch with him? Judging from all the nasty things I’ve said about Tea Partiers over the years, I’d better keep the knives off the table.

"Napalm and Silly Putty" by George Carlin

George Carlin had a career that spanned multiple decades of giggles and guffaws. And now you can have the best of his routines in one single book. It’s called “Napalm and Silly Putty” and reveals the dual nature in which he thrived. The napalm represents his destructive, dark, and violent side, while silly putty represents his giggly and joyful side. Put them together and you’ve got the makings of Mr. George Carlin. This book was published in 2001. Think of all the comedy routines you’ve heard before that time and jam them into this well-written book. You’ve got his jabs against pro-lifers, his love for entropy, his reasons why certain sports shouldn’t be considered as such, his hatred for euphemistic language, and many others that not only provoke thought, but also garner hyena cackling. And then you’ve got some routines and short takes that weren’t previously in his material, my favorite out of all of the unknowns being the death wishes section. If you’re feeling really suicidal, walk through Harlem dressed in a KKK robe or go to a cult sacrifice with a crucifix and a priest collar around your neck. Not only will you have more bruises on your body than hairs on your head, but you might actually pass on to the afterlife. And then you have those short takes that he bursts into every once and a while. “An art thief is someone who takes pictures”. Think about that one for a moment. Remember his routine about not giving a shit if the pandas fuck again this year? That’s in there too. He’d have to include that one, because really, can you actually get a hard-on while some loser in a green shirt is taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone! Of course, a George Carlin book wouldn’t be complete if he didn’t have a list of war statistics. You know, the number of times we’ve had “enhanced interrogations”, “terrorist attacks”, “beheadings”, and “counter-insurgencies”. There are no real stories in this book. It’s basically a compilation of his greatest routines. If you’re looking for a structured story, check out “Last Words”. But if you’re in the mood for achy ribs and a crooked spine from laughing so hard, buy this book today.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Catholics and other Christians are against abortion and they’re against homosexuals. Well, who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone for Christ’s sake! Here’s an entire population of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You’d think they’d make natural allies!”

-George Carlin-

"American Born Chinese" by Gene Luen Yang

On the inner sleeve of a graphic novel known as “American Born Chinese”, it will specifically tell you that three different stories will intertwine by the time the story’s over. When you get a glimpse of the three stories firsthand, you’ll ask yourself…how?! In the first story, you’ve got a kung fu-practicing monkey who wants to become a mighty deity. In the second, you’ve got an adolescent Chinese boy who is constantly picked on by his peers and tries to find friendship in the most unlikely places. And then you have Danny, whose stereotypically Chinese cousin comes over to visit and embarrass him in school with his buck teeth, R and L mix-ups, foot-binding intentions, etc. At first glance, it appears that these three stories have absolutely nothing to do with each other. You could even say that they’re worlds apart. Hell, the monkey’s story literally takes place in another world. I won’t give away how exactly these stories are related since that question is answered at the end. I will say this, however: if you’ve ever needed a lesson on maintaining friendships and being yourself, this is the graphic novel for you. Nobody makes it easy for these main characters to learn these lessons. Lots of bullies, lots of godly forces, and more than anything else, social awkwardness. High school is always an awkward time for teenagers. Maybe all they needed was for someone to help them along the way of their growth. Maybe that’s why there are three stories instead of just one: more allies to depend on in the end. Or perhaps there’s that remote possibility that Gene Luen Yang wanted to create a graphic novel that was fast-paced and somewhat giggly at the same time while making references that some parts of the book could be autobiographical. It’s never easy to tell what an author’s intentions are unless they tell you directly. But I suppose that’s why we have college classes and things of that nature: so that we can analyze the literary structure as much as possible. Whether you’re a student assigned to “American Born Chinese” or if you’re just a good old-fashioned bookworm, you will enjoy this graphic novel, guaranteed or your money back, which in this case is somewhere in the mid-20’s price range.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Dear child, stop working. Go play. Forget every rule. There’s no fear in a dream.”

-Nightwish singing “Song of Myself”-

"The Lovecraft Anthology" by HP Lovecraft

 

 

Do you feel like there’s no hope for the future? Do you feel like everywhere you go there’s something always there to pull you under? If you said yes to either of these questions, just know that you’re not in a Lexapro commercial. It’s much, much worse. You’re a character in the graphic novel rendition of “The Lovecraft Anthology”. This isn’t just any collection of horror stories we’re talking about. HP Lovecraft is a legend in his genre. His horror revolves around terrifying monsters that not just destroy everything around them, but drive the main characters to madness. Now do you wish you were in a Lexapro commercial? Well, let’s see what we’ve got here. The most obvious example of maddening pessimism is the Call of Cthulu. Cthulu is a gigantic, oily creature with multiple tentacles and a head so ugly that you won’t feel like eating anything for weeks. But really, do you expect your sanity to last only for a few weeks? Wrong, pacho! And if you don’t believe me, try taking a look at the tale where a monstrous force has infected a farmland and everybody who eats the crops has their brains turn to liquid shit. What about the tale where mermen emerge from the sea to claim what’s rightfully theirs, all whilst surrounding the main character in a futile escape attempt on his part. Case in point, you’ve got nowhere to go, motherfucker. As for me personally, I don’t get frightened that easily from horror stories. Most of the time, I just find the violence disgustingly disturbing. In this graphic novel, not only is the violence disturbing, but it’s actually frightening, which is the whole point of horror: to scare the living crap out of people! There’s one description that really got the best of me in terms of pants-pissing fright. The main character in one of the stories actually describes his heart as feeling like someone was gripping it tightly as a fearful reaction. Of course, nobody actually had a tight grip on his heart…right? Maybe I’m wrong about it just being a description. Truth be told, I put absolutely nothing passed HP Lovecraft. He will do anything to anybody as long as his pessimism serves him well. There are no happy endings, there are no fairy tale archetypes, it’s all just one huge clusterfuck of insanity. If you really want to feel like the world is ending without having a bunch of whackos spouting things about 2012 in your face, buy “The Lovecraft Anthology” instead. I’d end this review by saying that everybody wins, but that’s not entirely true, now is it?

 

 

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

 

Q: What did the masochist say after eating at Red Lobster?

A: Mmmmmmm!!

"The Cat Who Tailed a Thief" by Lilian Jackson Braun

It’d be cliché to say that Lilian Jackson Braun does it again, but guess what? Lilian Jackson Braun does it again with “The Cat Who Tailed a Thief”. Judging from this book and “The Cat Who Talked Turkey”, a couple of things about this series of novels are true. One, there’s always reason to suspect the most annoying character in the book. Two, if something needs to be talked about, it will be done over lunch at a restaurant or a bottle of scotch in the main character’s home. And three, and this one goes without saying: KITTIES!! Two Siamese babies named Koko and Yum-Yum will always be there to rub against someone’s ankles and make the reader feel like he’s got a sleeping animal pie on his lap. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why these books are called “cozy mysteries”, because they take place in a small town where everybody knows each other and they make great reading during those lazy afternoons when nothing is on TV and you’ve got animals all around you like Noah’s Ark. You want to talk about being left in “aww” and wonder, that’s it, man. In the case of “The Cat Who Tailed a Thief”, the one character you need to watch out for is Danielle Carmichael, a fashionable diva who always seems to be annoyed with being in a small town, has been described as having a rusty gate voice, and is always hitting on Jim Qwilleran. Things begin to get extremely complicated by the presence of Danielle’s cousin, a home restoration nut named Carter Lee James, who instantly marries a rich widow and has his home restoration skills called into question after the projects never seem to get started. Oh, and did I mention there are two murders and a string of petty thefts in this mystery? It wouldn’t be complete if there wasn’t a crime to attach such suspicious people to. Sooner or later, your suspicions will be confirmed, but it’s all a matter of how and why instead of who, what, where, and when. This isn’t a game of Clue we’re talking about here, this is deep stuff. Nobody’s getting clonked on the head with a candlestick by Miss Scarlet. But in spite of all of these horrible things going on, you’ll still maintain your coziness in the comfort of your beddy-bye or easy chair, compliments of the late great Lilan Jackson Braun.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: Where do rabbits go when they’re sick?
A: Urgent Carrot.

"Last Words" by George Carlin

Of all the comedians who have graced the stage with their giggly prowess, no one had a more legendary, prolific, and productive career than George Carlin. To this day, I consider him one of my biggest influences when it comes to my writing. And speaking of writing, it just so happens that his posthumous memoir “Last Words” is out in bookstores everywhere. In this book, he details the transformation he went through over the decades from an impressionist to a political sage. In his younger days he would do impressions of politicians, religious figures, celebrities, and even people in his own life. Because of the changing political environment around him, he wasn’t content with just sitting on the sidelines and letting all of these atrocities go to waste. He made this decision to include political humor in his routine around the time that America went to war with Vietnam and when Martin Luther King, Jr. and John F. Kennedy were assassinated. His political routines didn’t come without punishment, however. He was arrested several times for his use of vulgar language and even received death threats from irate fans. Carlin continued to press on and ignore the hatred from his conservative critics. Around the 1980’s, his political humor became more refined because he actually went to libraries and did research. It was due to this that his rant against Ronald Reagan was so well received by his audience. From that point on, he got more sadistic in his routines and began to incorporate dark comedy. The “Entropy Fan” skit was a prime example of how sick and twisted he could become. Through all of this evolution, it seemed as though Carlin’s words would resonate throughout history as being not only funny and enjoyable, but thought-provoking as well. But there’s a reason why this book was called “Last Words” and it’s because they really are his last words. In 2008, Carlin died due to heart problems and the world became much colder than it already was. If I could say something to Carlin right now, I would thank him for all of those decades of giggly moments and for being a huge influence on my writing. Truth be told, during my free time I actually practice famous George Carlin routines so that I can perform them in front of my family. How’s that for dedication?

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Nobody would boil a lobster alive if it looked like a puppy.”

-George Carlin-

"Kick-Ass 1 & 2" by Mark Millar

Have you ever felt like putting on a superhero costume and going around fighting villains in brutal street wars? Buy copies of “Kick-Ass” and “Kick-Ass 2” before you make any sudden decisions. What can you expect from the two-part series? Brutality. Lots and lots of brutality. These kids (Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl) are barely old enough to know how to drive a car and already they’re engaging in hellacious fights with villains who aren’t afraid to die. Broken bones, electrocuted genitals, torn flesh, massive bleeding, gigantic bruises, and a litany of other monstrously violent battle scars cover the bodies of every pubescent superhero who tries to make a name for himself. But it’s all in a day’s work for Kick-Ass and crew. You’d think that he would get used to all of these beatings by now, but as the story progresses from part one to part two, the brutality multiplies to greater volumes. The worst of the beatings happen to people that Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl care about such as parents, friends, love interests, etc. It was almost enough to make them want to quit being superheroes until the villains pushed a little too hard a little too much. With this cluster-fuck of violent behavior going on in these beautifully drawn graphic novels, you’re bound to have some critic out there complaining that they “normalize” all of the adult content that takes place. I remember reading a review that complained about Hit-Girl swearing at such a young age in the Kick-Ass movie. I see these reviews and wonder if these critics even know the difference between fantasy and reality. In the fantasy world, violence, swearing, sex, and drug use are beautiful things. They have to be in order to keep the reader’s attention. In the real world, martial arts violence is brutal and upsetting. This kind of debate was going on with “A Clockwork Orange” and the same arguments could be made in that conversation. Reading comic books like “Kick-Ass” and “Kick-Ass 2” is a form of escapism. We escape from one world of dullness and enter a world of fantasy and wonder. That’s how fiction works. If people tried being superheroes in real life, the pain that Kick-Ass felt after having his balls electrocuted would pail in comparison to what the would-be heroes would feel. In some ways, “Kick-Ass” is a fair representation of what vigilantes can expect if they become too independent of the police and military. It’s an ugly world out there, I agree. But it’s not worth having fried balls over. Leave that to Kick-Ass and his crew of head-stomping superheroes!

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s it called when the earth shits itself?
A: Gaia-Ria.

"The Cat Who Talked Turkey" by Lilian Jackson Braun

Jim Qwilleran has a lot on his plate in “The Cat Who Talked Turkey”. A man mysteriously dies on his property all while Qwill tries to write a radio drama about the Storm of 1913 on top of writing articles in the newspaper about recent events such as the building of a new library and the Scottish celebration in the neighboring town of Brr. How does he juggle all of these elements into his own personal narrative? With the help of his two Siamese kitty babies, Koko and Yum-Yum. Cats always give their owners comfort and coziness, especially in times of nervousness and high energy. A simple stroke along the kitty’s soft, fluffy fur can bring about feelings of joy comparable to the same kitty’s gentle purr. But Koko and Yum-Yum aren’t just comfort animals. They’re very helpful to Qwilleran when he needs a mystery to be solved. Koko is extremely intuitive when it comes to detecting the ill intentions of the people that Qwill involves himself with. If Koko likes the person, he’ll emit a gentle meow and maybe even a few purrs that are as loud as a lawnmower. If he senses foul play, he’ll emit one of his famous “death howls” along with his evil-sounding hisses. Qwill often wonders if Koko has psychic abilities or if he just has a lot of empathy for people. Yum-Yum plays the part of the affectionate and flirty kitty. She’s always rubbing her head against the guests’ ankles and even untying their shoes for them. She loves to bat around small objects, her favorite one in this particular story being a metal thimble. Yum-Yum can be just as intuitive as Koko, but gets too nervous to spring into action like her older brother normally does. Together, Koko and Yum-Yum bring joy and happiness not only to the lives of Qwill and his friends, but also to the reader. Despite the multiple murders that take place in this story, they’re not enough to keep the reader from wanting to snuggle the two kitties in his arms and hold them on his lap. Belly rubs and gentle ear massages for Koko and Yum-Yum! Because of the coziness and happiness these “Cat Who…” books bring about, I could easily go through the whole series without missing a beat. It’s what Lilian Jackson Braun would have wanted: for the two little animal babies to be remembered for bringing joy into people‘s lives. May Ms. Braun rest in peace.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“An art thief is someone who takes pictures.”

-George Carlin-

"Just a Guy" by BIll Engvall

You all know Bill Engvall as a giggly blue-collar comedian who will forever be known as the guy who hands out signs to morons that read “I’m Stupid”. In his 2007 memoir entitled “Just a Guy”, he’s still a giggly blue-collar comedian known for saying “Here’s Your Sign”, but his material is a little more personal this time. Bill was always known for having a great sense of humor, so his future in comedy just came naturally. A classic example of this is when he was jumping around with his sisters on the bed and he fell off and sliced himself open. Instead of being gross and perverted like a lot of horror authors, he took the hyperbolic route and in the book described the blood flow as being worse than the entire Saw series. You don’t actually have to watch the Saw movies to know what he’s talking about. Just the fact that the movies have that name is enough to let the reader know that someone’s getting slashed up worse than Bill plopping on a sharp wooden floor. But for all you writers out there, keep in mind that the only reason Bill Engvall can get away with hyperbolic descriptions and you can’t is because A: he’s a celebrity, and B: he’s a comedian. That’s why when he described a tall-haired woman on an airplane as looking like Marge Simpson, he gets more laughs out of that one sentence than most writers get out of an entire novel. Or how about the time when he described himself as being so sore after a baseball game that he walked like he crapped his pants. Huh? There’s an image you’ll never get out of your head! Having said all of these things about Bill Engvall’s comedic prowess, “Just a Guy” isn’t without its somber moments. They’re few and far in between, but they’re still there and they’ll still haunt you. The one that sticks out for me is when Bill’s mother divorced his father and he was left with a huge hole in his heart that couldn’t be patched up with levy cement. It pained me to read that a funny guy like him was actually crying his eyes out whenever the thought of his mother leaving him came about. Yet another one that sticks out in my mind is near the end of the book where Bill talks about becoming more and more invisible as he gets older. He’s away on the road for so long that the only function he has anymore is buying pizza or taking the kids for a ride to the mall. As someone who’s been a ghost before, this is troubling to me. But don’t let these two tearjerker moments draw you away from this book. It’s a giggly read from beginning to end and it’ll go by so fast that you won’t have time to have dewy eyes. Definitely worth whatever you pay for it!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My son plays the piano and one day he said he wanted to play something for me. He says, ‘I’m going to play you something from Harry Potter.’ And I say, ‘The movie?’ And he says, ‘No, the book. Here’s your sign, Dad!’”

-Bill Engvall-

"Fun Home" by Alison Bechdel

It’s Saturday afternoon and you don’t feel like getting out of bed. The skies are as gray as television static. A few cloudy tears might fall from the sky and freeze the air like a meat locker. For days like these, the first thing you probably want to do is grab a blanket and a book and immerse yourself in literature. In this case, you’ll want to grab a copy of “Fun Home” by Alison Bechdel, where the greenish-gray graphic novel pages resemble the rainy mood of that day’s weather. Unlike most graphic novels, there are no superheroes with heat vision and bloodbaths that empty into the sidewalk storm drain. This is a lesbian memoir. More importantly, it’s Alison Bechdel’s personal quest for knowledge as to why her strict and secretly gay father died the way he did. She has many theories. Because he wanted to escape from homophobic cruelty, because he wanted to escape from being married to a woman, because he wanted to take his secret to the grave with him, etc. But even more intriguing to Miss Bechdel is how her dad’s sexuality influenced her own since she too is a homosexual. She was fascinated by little nuances such as having short hair, dressing like a tomboy, engaging in predominately male hobbies, and so many others. In case you don’t have enough appreciation for how hard this personal mystery solving must have been for Miss Bechdel considering her complex relationship with her father, listen to this. Since the artistic style of the comic book is more realistic than what she’s used to, she resorted to taking photographs of herself in the corresponding poses and using them as reference pictures when she did her drawing. A lesser artist would have taken the easy way out and drawn in a simpler comic book style. But to go through all of this painstaking effort to put together a graphic novel about self-discovery? That takes not only a great deal of patience, but an even greater deal of dedication. All things considered, it’s no wonder why this wonderful graphic novel received so much attention from award-givers. “Fun Home” is also required reading for a lot of college classes. I know because I took one of those classes at WWU. Congratulations, Alison Bechdel, for creating something beautiful out of the complexity of your past. That’s the mark of a true artist.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

LINDSAY: You know the thing about writing? People are always trying to give you advice, but sometimes you just have to go back to your own room and do it yourself.
GEENA: Sounds like my sex life lately.

-Playtime-

"The Illustrated Man" by Ray Bradbury

Having a tattoo doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a 1% badass who rides around on a Harley 24/7. But when your body ink begins to tell stories of the future and the past as they move across your skin, don’t be surprised when the guy hearing these stories has wide eyes and an even wider mouth. And quick feet, let‘s not forget that either. “The Illustrated Man” by Ray Bradbury documents the story of a tattoo-covered man who fits this bill. In fact, his body ink inspired an entire anthology of stories in a little over 200 pages. What kind of stories do we get from this man’s skin art? How about the one that’s as notorious as they come. You know, the one that almost all high school students have to read at some point. The tale of two spoiled brat children who spend their lives in a crystallized room that lets them experience television firsthand instead of vicariously. Or how about the one where a bunch of space jockeys are trapped on Venus and are driven mad by the harsh rain pounding on their softening skulls. Or maybe you prefer the one where a bunch of neighborhood kids are playing out in the streets an enacting an alien invasion scene, which is dead close to reality, by the way. No matter which story you decide is your favorite, you can be guaranteed that every single time, you will be educated beyond your wildest imagination. Ray Bradbury educates you by punishing his characters for their negative traits such as racial ignorance, selfishness, zeal, hatred, and a litany of other things that should be frowned upon by anybody with a shred of positivity within them. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that Bradbury went on to have an illustrious career as an author that spanned many decades. And because it spanned many decades, the wise author left this life recently due to old age. Despite how many miles he had on him, I still believe he left us too soon. Rest in peace, Ray Bradbury. “The Illustrated Man” and the lessons it teaches will never be forgotten except by those who possess the ignorance necessary to be punished for it. Sometimes I think Mr. Bradbury would have had a stroke anyways if he saw the way us humans behaved.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“New rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.”

-Bill Maher-

"I Can Make Out With Any Girl Here" by Ryan Nemeth

I’ll be the first to say that “I Can Make Out With Any Girl Here” by Ryan Nemeth isn’t the most technically sound book when it comes to writing style. Instead of a traditional novel format, this story is told through journal entries, emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. This particular way of doing things doesn’t allow much wiggle room for showing instead of telling. But even with all of these things working against the Generation Y member known as Ryan Nemeth, his book is still entertaining from beginning to end. He takes a college freshman known as Donny Blake and puts him through a humorous journey through his schooling which involves promiscuous sex, pranks involving pig fetuses, going on spending sprees, and flirting with his French teacher. Donny’s stereotypically chaotic behavior lands him in hot water with the college administration and he’s looking at a punishment somewhere between being expelled from school and being thrown in jail. What exactly could Donny Blake have done in order to deserve such a brutal punishment? That’s for you to find out when you eventually go to Amazon.com and purchase a copy of this fast-paced giggle fest. Speaking of Amazon, that’s really the only place I know of that has a copy of the book. I haven’t seen it in places like Fred Meyer or Barnes & Noble. Then again, it’s easy to get lost in those places worse than a child at Disneyland. It’s probably for the best that the only way to find this book is via search engine. And when you eventually do your internet searches for Ryan Nemeth, you’ll find out that he is the real-life brother of WWE superstar Dolph Ziggler. Truth be told, if I didn’t know that Dolph Ziggler had a brother, I would have never found out about this book. In any event, I’m very thankful that I did find out about it. Despite its unorthodox writing style, it is a fun book to read. You may even get through it in one whole day like I did. Expect nothing less than a giggling riot when you read this book that was, and I’m not making this up, published by a company called Yellow Snow Press. You sure as shit won’t find this book under the Harlequin or Del Rey banner, unless of course you consider Donny Blake boinking a girl called Ugly Jen to be romantic or if you consider pig fetuses to be a part of some sci-fi conspiracy theory.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“For a minute there, I thought Daniel Bryan was just an old guy in his underwear.”

-Dolph Ziggler-

"How Not to Write a Novel" by Howard Mittelmark & Sandra Newman

An unfortunate stereotype that comes with being a Generation Y member is that we suck at being grammatically correct, especially when it comes to text messaging and having conversations on the internet. We’d rather LOL at our BFF’s than write ten-page essays on nuclear physics. The thing about this stereotype is that it’s reinforced by the fact that more college and high school students these days are doing poorly on English exams, much worse than Baby Boomers and Generation X members before them. If you want a nonfiction book that will save you from the perils of being part of this statistic, I just may have the thing for you. Christians have the bible, Muslims have the Quran, and now young English students have “How Not to Write a Novel” by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman. Incorrect grammar is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all of the common mistakes this book documents. Stereotypical characters, hyperbolic descriptions, plot holes that can’t be pieced together easily, minimalism, this book does it all when it comes to pointing out faults in manuscripts the authors have received before. I’ll bet you my life savings that you as a writer have made at least one or two of these many mistakes sometime during your young writing career. When I was in my teens, I engaged in minimalism. In my mid-20’s, it was hyperbolic descriptions. I do my best to correct the mistakes I make, but this particular nonfiction book isn’t a substitute for a personal editor. The book is a general list of common errors while a personal editor gets to the root of what a budding author does specifically. If nothing else, you should at least get a kick out of reading some examples of the mistakes made. You want to hear a few of them? Here they are. No author, under any circumstances, should describe a piece of sausage as looking like a penis, especially when they’re trying to sell it as being delicious. And there definitely shouldn’t be anybody who would describe the flow of a waterfall as being comparable to drunken piss. Even in comedic novels, these are laughable for all the wrong reasons. Speaking of comparisons, it’s not necessary to pepper every other line with them as a way of showing instead of telling. Simply saying things like “raven black hair” and “rose red lips” to describe the beauty of a female character should be sufficient. It paints a picture and the reader is very happy. You know who else is going to be happy? The next budding author who buys this book. If you learn nothing else from it, you should at least get a few giggles out of the examples of bad writing. Giggling is the best medicine, never forget proverbs.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“There are some large organizations out there whose names are a little mixed up. The Department of Water and Power. Well, water and power don’t really go together, you’ll get fucking electrocuted. The Food and Drug Administration. Well, with most drugs, you don’t have any food. Except for marijuana, but they shouldn’t be bothering people with marijuana in the first place. Then you have that really interesting organization The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Do I even have to talk about this one? Bad combination. Here’s what you do. You call the police The Department of Power and Firearms. Then you have the Food and Water Administration since those are two things you need to survive. Then you’re left with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Drugs, keep all the good shit in one place.”

-George Carlin-

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

If there’s one way to describe the humor in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, it would be controlled randomness. In other words, Douglas Adams is rolling the dice most of the time, but those dice are loaded. If you seem confused after the first page of the book, don’t be. Being confused and oblivious to the galaxy is Arthur Dent’s job, for he is the main character of the story. His day begins with him trying to prevent a bulldozer from flattening his London home. Seems like a perfectly normal way to start the morning, wouldn’t you agree? If that wasn’t bizarre enough, he now has to be rescued by an alien disguised as a human actor named Ford Prefect before the world is obliterated by a nasty race of deep space creatures with violent tendencies. By this time, Arthur Dent is scratching his head so much that he can feel his brain with every poke. Add to this ragtag group of characters an alien politician with multiple limbs, his super hot girlfriend, and an ultra-depressed and pessimistic robot and you’ve got a recipe for craziness that even an entire roster of asylum patients couldn’t come up with on their best day. The controlled randomness comes out in full swing with a ship device known as the Improbability Drive, a weapon which literally makes the impossible possible. Does it seem highly likely to you that two nuclear warheads will suddenly transform into a whale and a bowl of flowers? Neither did anybody else before the Improbability Drive worked its magic. It had to have been magic. If by this point in the story you’re scratching your head as much as Arthur Dent, Douglas Adams has already done his job. His writing style will run circles around you until you’re dizzier than a vertigo patient on a rollercoaster. But at the same time, you’ll be giggling so much that your ribs will ache worse than getting a body punch from Mike Tyson. The chances of you having a frown by the time this lightning fast read is over are so low that it would take an Improbability Drive to make it happen. But before you can thank Douglas Adams for giving you a reason to flush your Lexapro down the toilet, make sure you actually know where his grave is. That’s right. Even though he was in his elder years, he passed way too soon. Rest in peace, buddy. And thank you for the giggly stories.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s the difference between a teenager’s dialogue and his Face Book page?
A: About 50,000 likes.

"Have a Nice Day" by Mick Foley

When WWE legend Mick Foley tells you to have a nice day, you can be pretty sure that the rest of your day is going to be filled with barbed wire bats to the skull and pointed elbows through the chest. But in order to get that kind of recognition, Foley had to go through a lot of personal trials that made him as tough as he is today. Even though “Have a Nice Day” was published in 1999, it makes perfect sense in today’s world of wrestling. Like a lot of wrestlers getting their start in the business, Foley was broke and could barely pay for training. He also had a hard time paying for everyday expenses when he eventually emerged on the independent scene. So how was it that a moneyless wrestler with a Buddha belly become a WWE legend over the course of his lifetime? By paying his dues, that’s how. After continuing to press forward in the independent territories, he eventually had a job at WCW, a company that paid him very well despite him not being used to his full potential. Being well-paid is never enough for a wrestler to achieve his dreams of being a big star. Following his departure from WCW in 1994, he went to ECW and garnered recognition as a hardcore badass who loved to use weapons. After taking so many weapon strikes and dangerous bumps to the point where his career would have ended, he then jumped ship to WWE. Like a lot of youngsters that went to WWE from another company, Mick Foley’s character was crafted to perfection. As the raving lunatic known as Mankind, he had memorable matches with the likes of The Rock and The Undertaker, which eventually led to him winning the biggest prize in the industry: the WWE Championship. While there will never be a carbon copy of Mick Foley and the things he went through, it wouldn’t hurt if the young wrestlers of today read this piece of nonfiction as a guide on how to pay your dues in this business. Even though it’s well beyond 1999, these words still hold true to this day. As long as you train religiously, put on stellar matches, listen to the elder members of the business, and know your net worth in the wrestling market, you’ll do just fine in the treacherous waters of professional wrestling. Mick Foley did all of these things and even years after going into retirement, he’s a household name that nobody will forget. Some of the youngsters in the business today have perfected these strategies down to a science and have great careers because of it. If guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio can become greats by paying their dues, then that opens the door to any athlete who wants it badly enough.

　

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MICHAEL COLE: That ambulance weighs over 5,000 lbs!
JERRY LAWLER: Why would you want to weigh an ambulance?

"Go the Fuck to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach

Getting a child to sleep is one of the most difficult tasks in the modern world. Sure, you can try rocking him back and forth, giving him a glass of warm milk, or even dipping his pacifier in a bottle of cough syrup, which I don’t recommend. But sooner or later, probably at 3:00 in the morning, you’re going to hear a combination of teeny tiny footsteps and either crying or pleading. When all else fails, there’s one more solution you can turn to in order to salvage the remains of your sanity. It’s a bedtime story parody for adults called “Go the Fuck to Sleep”, written by a father who went through all of the BS that comes with raising a child. In a tender daddy voice, the author, Adam Mansbach, lets the child know that he doesn’t give a crap if you’re thirsty for water, hungry for a snack, desperate for a bathroom trip, or bored without having a Disney movie playing in the background. One way or another, you’re going the fuck to sleep. And if the idea of a tender daddy voice reading this blunt story isn’t satisfying enough, then feel free to get on You Tube and search for a video where Samuel L. Jackson reads it out loud. Yes, that video exists. The same guy who dared Brett to say “What?” one more time, motherfucker, is narrating this harshly honest book of what all parents are thinking when putting their kids to bed. That way, if your child can’t sleep because he’s hungry for a snack, then he and Mr. Jackson can share a giant bag of Big Kahuna burgers together before washing them down with a tasty Sprite. But since Samuel L. Jackson is a little bit difficult to find these days, you’ll have to buy the book and have the cathartic experience yourself. Come to think of it, it’s probably not a good idea to read this story to your kids because of the language. If nothing else, it’s a very satisfying and giggly book. It goes by excessively fast, but only because it’s a parody of what impatient children love to hear at bedtime. Keep this book proudly in your own personal library. It just may be a better form of birth control than condoms and pills put together. What’s that? You already have children? No worries, it just means you can relate to this wonderful piece of literature even more. Thank you, Adam Mansbach, for saying what we’re all thinking deep down inside.

　

***REAL LIFE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: Have you ever wondered why your parents fed you corndogs, popsicles, and tacos?
FRIEND: Because they wanted me to grow up big and strong.
ME: Oh yeah! They love watching you eat your favorite foods!
FRIEND: Garrison, that’s sick!

"For the Win" by Cory Doctorow

Get ready to activate your activism. Get ready to demand what’s rightfully yours. What do we want? Internet and workers’ rights! When do we want it? As soon as the police stop beating us up! Such is the world of “For the Win” by Cory Doctorow. Playing online videogames has become a fulltime job, but without the benefits and perks that come with being in a union. But in order to form a union, you have to recover from the head trauma you’ve endured from a policeman’s knight stick so that you can organize your thoughts clearly. Seeing as how a good portion of this story takes place in China, you can expect a little dictatorship to be peppered relentlessly throughout the story. Lots of beatings, lots of arrests, and not enough people to stand up to these oppressive governments. The further into the story you get, the more people there are that sign up for this form of political bravery. With the help of the internet, this army of working-class people comes closer and closer together, further emphasizing Cory Doctorow’s theme of people over profits. Case in point, having more people on your side to speak out against oppression is more effective than bombing the crap out of a government building or police station or even causing a head-splitting riot in the streets. Even though “For the Win” is a work of fiction and appeals more to Generation Y members because of the videogame aspect of the storyline, we see these themes of political oppression all throughout the world. Therefore, this book is relatable to everyone even if you don’t play videogames as religiously as these main characters. A prime example of these theories in action comes from right here in the good old US of A. The reason Barack Obama got as many votes as he did in the 2008 presidential election was in part because he used social media to appeal to the younger crowd. He never had to strike fear in the hearts of his own people or incite riots, which is more than anybody could say about the Tea Party candidates that came swarming into office in 2010. Hope has always been more appealing than fear. These “For the Win” characters cling onto hope every day of their lives regardless of how badly they’re beaten by the police. When you eventually make it to the final 400 to 500 pages of the book, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how well people power, hope over fear, and internet access mesh together in order to create change in an otherwise dystopian society.

　

***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It was as obvious as a boner at the chalkboard.”

-A line from “For the Win” by Cory Doctorow-

"The Filth" by Grant Morrison

Remember an old 1999 classic called “The Matrix”? You know, where the real world is an apocalyptic, dystopian hell and the fake world is a beautiful paradise? Apply this theory to “The Filth”, but make the dystopian hell a trashy world where the ground is covered in feces, skin flakes, urine, semen-covered pornography, snot, and pretty much anything else that would make Grant Morrison gag at his own work. This is the world of the appropriately titled “The Filth”. Ned Slade is an agent of a top secret organization called The Hand, whose sole purpose is to keep the gut-wrenching trash from contaminating the beautiful real world. You’re probably wondering to yourself why exactly these people call themselves The Hand? Well, when giving a wad of toilet paper after dropping a deuce in the toilet, what do you think hands do afterwards? Exactly. Cleaning up contaminations is a lot like wiping a dirty asshole in the world of “The Filth”. If this sounds like nightmare fuel that the main character wishes he could wake up from, it’s because it is. Whenever he’s not being a cleansing agent, Ned Slade leads an ordinary life as Greg Feely. Well, ordinary isn’t quite the word to describe it. As Greg Feely, people mistake him for a pedophile due to his porn-watching tendencies in a neighborhood full of playing children. All Greg really wants to do is take care of his sickly kitty cat Tony. The more people try to interfere with saving Tony’s life, the more combative Feely becomes, especially when he’s called into action as Ned Slade. Sounds like an…interesting storyline to say the least. But unlike the much cleaner “Matrix”, “The Filth” goes far beyond an ordinary R rating. Even with the censored addition I accidentally bought where the genitals and black semen were blurred out, it’s still going to haunt your psyche for many years to come. Definitely keep this book out of range of little children, lest you become a carbon copy of Greg Feely. A potential X rating is enough reason to buy this graphic novel, but if you’re a literary nut who loves symbolism despite its disgusting nature, you’ll appreciate this book too. Believe it or not, I actually had to read this book for a college class at Western Washington University. Maybe that’s by design since college students don’t gag and shiver whenever they see pee-pee parts, especially at the school I went to. If you’ve got a strong stomach and a smart mind all wrapped into one, buy this book. Don’t wait for it to become available at your local library or Christian book store, because it’ll never happen. Ever!

　

***RHETORICAL QUESTION OF THE DAY***

If your Lipchitz, what does your ass do?

"The Death of WCW" by Bryan Alvarez & RD Reynolds

Like “Death Clutch”, “The Death of WCW” is for wrestling fans only. Somehow, I can’t imagine a literary genre nut being too enthused about reading a book dealing with a wrestling company from the 90’s. It just doesn’t seem…“multi-layered” enough! But for the rest of us who appreciate professional wrestling for the art form that it is, please pay attention. Would you like to know why WCW died the nasty horrible death it did? Well, I’ll start by saying that during the New World Order invasion in 1996, nobody would have seen the apocalypse happening from miles away. Business was booming, money was flooding in, and WCW was outperforming then-called WWF in leaps and bounds. But then it started to crumble all around the Eric Bischoffs and Vince Russos that took the reigns of the company. The main event stars were old and stale, the booking was selfishly done, the younger talent wasn’t getting the spotlight they deserved, and the screenwriting practices were downright atrocious. If you want some examples of what I’m talking about, listen to this. Remember “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? Before jumping ship to WWF, he was sitting in contractual purgatory with his career going absolutely nowhere. In WWF, he was a multiple time world champion, a huge star, and a Hall of Fame inductee. How about Chris Benoit? Yes, I dare say his name despite what he did during his final hours on earth. Benoit was also being smothered by the older talent to the point where he couldn’t get over. Since joining WWF, he became a World Heavyweight Champion and a massive star. The exact same story went for guys like Eddie Guerrero and Mick Foley, who were young, extremely talented, and thrived in WWF when they couldn’t do the same in WCW. You’d think that through the publication of this book, these same mistakes wouldn’t have been made again by any other company, right? I’d like to agree with that premise, but then we’d both be wrong. TNA has been called a modern day version of WCW with the horrible screenwriting and unprofessionally-run shows. I stopped watching TNA back in 2011 because it was making me depressed. Because of what happened to WCW and what will eventually happen to TNA, “The Death of WCW” should be in bookstores and libraries everywhere and it should be hammered into the skulls of every young wrestling star looking to make it in the world of professional wrestling. Not literally hammered, don’t get me wrong. They take enough bumps on the head already.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s Daniel Bryan’s favorite System of a Down song?
A: KNOW!! KNOW!! KNOW!! KNOW!!

"Death Clutch" by Brock Lesnar

Here’ s a question for all of you wrestling and MMA fans out there. Have you ever wondered why Brock Lesnar doesn’t have a Twitter account or a Face Book page? It’s because like Bentley Little and Ted Kaczynski, he makes himself a little bit difficult to find. Don’t worry, it’s not because he’s making bombs. He’s a 300 lb. freak who can cause explosions with his fists alone, so he wouldn’t need bombs. Lesnar bills himself as a private person who enjoys a boring life in the woods. He hates the media, he hates cameras flashing on him and his family, basically the man just wants to be left alone. On the back of “Death Clutch”, he specifically states that his memoir is the only real access you’ll ever have to his personal life and that you shouldn’t expect another invite. You’d think being a hellishly strong athlete would be the life people could only dream about. You’d think being a former WWE and UFC champion would be the golden ticket to paradise. Lesnar’s life is anything but paradise. The road to getting the NCAA Division 1 wrestling championship was lined with massive bumps and potholes in the form of horrible losses, expensive classes, and disappointing outcomes. Being a WWE superstar was no better since it requires constantly traveling and being far away from your family a lot. Transitioning to the UFC wasn’t a piece of cake either since that was when Lesnar battled an intestinal disease that not only kept him out of action for so long, but also threatened his life. But despite all of these deadly obstacles, Lesnar came out a survivor. As I’ve mentioned earlier, his many accolades prove it. An NCAA Division 1 wrestling champion. A multiple time WWE champion. A King of the Ring and Royal Rumble winner. A UFC heavyweight champion and submission of the night winner. Considering Brock Lesnar started out as a mere farm boy with shallow pockets, that’s not a bad way to earn six to seven figures a year. You show me someone who can duplicate these accolades and I’ll show you the next Brock Lesnar success story.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: Who did Paul Heyman vote for in the 2008 presidential election?
A: Barack Lesnar.

"The Collection" by Bentley Little

If Stephen King considers you to be a great horror writer, take that honor with pride. Bentley Little was skillful enough as an author to receive such an honor. And why wouldn’t he? His anthology of short stories known as “The Collection” is just one example of how dark and screwed up of a place his mind is. No matter which one of the stories you’re reading, you’re always guaranteed extra time trying to clean yourself off in the shower. Absolutely nothing is off limits to Mr. Little when it comes to plot devices, be it child molestation, chainsaw slashings, degenerate crazies, religious sacrifices, or, one of my all time favorites, a bunch of zombies dressing up in Revolutionary War outfits and scaring the crap out of a guy named Mike Franks. That last item comes from a story called “The Washingtonians”, where George Washington is revealed to be a cannibalistic psychopath whose cherry tree story turns out to be him raping small children and hence, taking their cherries. If it sounds over-the-top and somewhat giggly, it’s because it is. If you really want to know what the hell goes on in Bentley Little’s mind, by all means, go to his home in Arizona and ask him…that is, if you can find him. Mr. Little made himself a tad bit difficult to locate. You know who else was hard to locate? Ted Kaczynski also known as the Unibomer. The Unibomber loved to live in the woods and build his destructive devices. And Bentley Little? Well, he loves to live in seclusion and build destructive stories that’ll have you swallowing Xanax like candy. And Bentley has the shaggy beard to prove it. If you’re not already creeped out by this somewhat hyperbolic comparison, then don’t let me stop you from buying a copy of “The Collection”. But I must advise you: if the thought of Mr. Little being compared to Ted Kaczynski in terms of physical image gives you a nervous and cold stomach, you probably won’t make it passed the first page of the book, where religious whackos nailing people and animals to crosses will be the first thing that haunts your mind like a schizophrenic voice. Who knows? Maybe once you get passed the first chapter, you’ll need someone to turn the pages for you since your arms will be trapped in a straightjacket! Just saying!

　

***DOMESTIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Garrison, quit laughing like a crazy person!”

-My niece Reina-

"The Cleaner" by Brett Battles

“The Cleaner” may be 400 plus pages long, but that’s only because it’s jam-packed with fast-paced action that would look awesome on the silver screen. You know that phrase, “Never a dull moment?” It’s a perfect way to describe this piece of spy fiction. Your main character is Jonathan Quinn, a no nonsense professional whose primary job is making potential crime scenes look like they never happened, hence the nickname “The Cleaner”. Soon after completing a job in Denver, Colorado, he becomes the center of a conspiracy where someone wants him dead and nobody will tell him who. When you have a main character who is always on the run and has a target on his back the size of a flying saucer, you can be pretty sure that there won’t be any break in the action. Sure, you might have small moments of dialogue that advance the story along, but that’s only because Jonathan Quinn’s knowledgeable ways allow him those brief reprieves. Brett Battles knew exactly what he was doing when he put together this complex story. It’s because of this novel that I became a born-again bookworm in the first place. It became the standard bearer for what I want out of fiction and that’s constant motion and instant excitement. I even went so far as to try to figure out who would play Jonathan Quinn if “The Cleaner” ever became a movie, which it most definitely could and should. It was a tossup between Jeffrey Donovan from “Burn Notice”, Michael Chiklis from “The Shield”, and Chris O’Donnell from “NCIS: Los Angeles”. Because of his combination of youth and experience, Jeffrey Donovan would probably be the best choice of those three. When you’re so excited about a book that you start making guesses as to who would play the main character on the silver screen, you know it’s something special. I’m sure there were Harry Potter fans who did the exact same thing before the first movie came out, though Daniel Radcliffe was relatively unknown at the time. And as much as I hate to admit it, there were Twilight fans who did the same as well. But unlike Twilight, I’m not going to get in a boner battle between Jonathan Quinn and the people who are trying to murder him. I’m perfectly happy with just reading the book and adding it to this blog of fast-paced novels.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I choose death before dishonor. I’d rather die than live down on my knees. Bury me like a soldier, with my dignity!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Death Before Dishonor”-

"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice

If you’re looking for a sweet, gentle romance novel that will win your heart and make you shed tears of joy, this isn’t the book for you. If, on the other hand, you want a permanent hard-on and a reason to flush all of your Viagra down the toilet, Anne Rice is the author you want to turn to. She wrote a book back in the early 80’s called “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”, which takes a normally innocent fairy tell and turns it into the sexiest piece of literature you’ll ever read. It matters not what your gender or preference is, because at the beginning of the book, Anne Rice specifically says that this novel is “For the enjoyment of men and women.” Yeah, no kidding. This book has everything you could ever want in a sexual fantasy: hardcore bondage, man-on-woman intercourse, woman-on-woman action, and from time to time, man-on-man action. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter what your sexual preferences are, because sooner or later, no matter who’s getting it where, you’re going to have some serious libido afterwards. Do you all remember that episode of Family Guy where Glenn Quagmire discovers internet porn and suddenly his right arm is more muscular and toned than the left arm? That’s going to be you by the time you complete the first chapter. Maybe after the first page. But as sexy as this book is, there are some points in it that are completely mind boggling. Having sex slaves run around a track and jump through hoops like circus lions? That’s a little bit bizarre even for the bondage genre. All in all, I can’t complain, because those bizarre moments are very few and far between. There are far more hot and sexy moments than there are weird and awkward moments. The one moment that’s my personal favorite is when Prince Alexi has sex with The Queen for the first time. And then afterwards, she grabs various body parts of his and claims that they are hers. And when I say body parts, I’m obviously not doing a good job of being subtle. In short, if you want something that’ll make a Playboy magazine seem about as fun as The Wall Street Journal, buy this book. I will admit, though, that it’s not the quickest read you’ll ever have. But then again, with sweet action like this, it doesn’t have to be. You’re not just going to be hooked all the way through this book, you’re going to be chained and gagged to it as well.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I’m sure. And she’s all dressed up and knocking at my door. She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I know. But she’s got my heart and she’s never letting go.”

-James Blunt singing “Dangerous”-

"The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander" by Barbara Coloroso

While this book may not be the fastest thing you’ve ever read or even the happiest, it’s definitely the most important. Bullying has been going on for far too long and it shouldn’t have taken a few suicides in 2010 for change to happen. That change should have happened a long time ago. “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander” was written in 2003 and updated somewhere after 2008 to include a chapter on cyber-bullying. In the beginning of this disturbing piece of nonfiction, Barbara Coloroso sites several pages full of examples of how bullying destroyed the lives of students all across the world. Suicides, murder sprees, assaults, expulsions, prison sentences, the first few pages has examples of all of these things. And then you have an entire book to get through of the psychology behind bullying which is even more disturbing than shortly written case studies. What Barbara Coloroso tries to emphasize throughout the book is that the reason bullies do what they do is because they lack empathy for others. It’s not enough to send them to detention, suspend them, spank them or anything like that. If punishment is all the system has to offer, then the bully is just going to keep doing what he’s doing, but in a more covert way. Without empathy, the phrase, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” means nothing. Also without empathy, people get the message that bullying is a rite of passage for children going to school. No, it isn’t. There’s nothing normal about it. It’s demoralizing, humiliating, and even traumatizing. I’ve had my own battle with bullying during my freshman year of high school. I would have loved to believe that war was the answer and that all I needed to do was punch and kick my way between classes. Without educating students and teachers about the importance of empathy and getting along with one another, the cycle’s going to continue for many generations to come. Yes, we’ve got all these anti-bullying programs going around ever since those suicide statistics in 2010. Those programs do no good if nobody is willing to open their ears for just a few moments. You know what I say? I say make this book I’m talking about required reading for schools all around the world. Put it in the same bookshelf as “Catcher in the Rye” and “To Kill a Mockingbird”. Stick it somewhere between “The Outsiders” and “The Crucible”. The psychology behind it is disturbing as hell, but it’s also a necessary wakeup call for those walking around like traumatized zombies.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

TEDDY: You call my dad a loony one more time…and I’ll kill you.
MILO: Loony, loony, loony.
TEDDY: Ah!! I’ll rip your head off and shit down your neck!

-Stand By Me-

"Black Hole" by Charles Burns

When you’re a teenager, you may not want to admit it, but your parents will have your back most of the time. When you’re a teenaged character in the “Black Hole” graphic novel by Charles Burns, you don’t have a friend in the whole fucking world. Somewhere in the mid-70’s, teenagers are delving into sex and drugs long before they even know how to drive. As expected, these teenagers contract STD’s from screwing multiple partners. But this isn’t just any STD. It’s something simply known as “The Bug”. It doesn’t make you pee green. It doesn’t set your balls on fire. The Bug turns you into a mutant abomination so obvious to your teenaged peers that you can’t avoid heckling and rumor spreading. These mutations can be anything from extra mouths to gigantic boils to hair falling out to facial twisting to…well, if it’s disturbing and disgusting, it could very well happen to someone who has contracted The Bug. It’s hard enough maintaining relationships with a regular STD. But with these horrible mutations ruining innocence like crazy, these kids don’t have a friend in the whole fucking world. They’re outcasts who hang out in the woods to get away from the ridicule and hatred. It seems like this would be a good time for a kindred soul to come along and say everything’s okay. Word of advice to those living in the Black Hole universe. If someone tells you that everything’s okay, don’t throw that opportunity for friendship away. Build something beautiful with those few chances you get. In the end, the message is simple. Live together in harmony and try to love one another. John Lennon had been saying it long before his death in 1980. Even after the 70’s it’s an important lesson to remember. Somewhere along the way, we either forget or just don’t care anymore. It’s a sad truth that many have tried to change. Let’s be successful this time.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Another day in this carnival of souls. Another night settles in as quickly as it goes. The memories of shadows, ink on the page. And I can’t seem to find my way home. And it’s almost like your heaven’s trying everything to keep me out.”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Far From Home”-

"Batman: The Dark Knight Returns" by Frank Miller

“Age is just a number.” We hear this phrase being thrown around a lot and only half the time does it actually stick. In the case of Batman coming out of retirement, once again, the reader finds himself riding the fence. At 55 years old, Bruce Wayne has slowed down dramatically. Considering that Gotham City has become a dystopian hellhole, the city needed Batman whether he was 55, 75, or even 100. Somewhere along the path of old age, Batman had become more violent and disturbing in his approach to fighting crime. He probably had to be in order to keep up with both father time and the dystopian world in which he lives, where crime breaks out on every street corner and every building in this city. And guess what? The Joker had not missed a step since passing into the elder end of his life. If anything, he too had become more sadistic and disgusting in his approach to violent behavior. When mixing the concepts of old age, rampant crime, and questionable justice, Frank Miller delivers with “The Dark Knight Returns”. And yes, it is a fast read, the short page count not withstanding. But anytime the name Frank Miller’s name comes up in conversation, so does the gigantic elephant in the room. An elephant so huge that he can’t even hide behind corporate buildings. Of course, I’m talking about Miller’s comments toward the Occupy Wall Street movement, referring to the protesters and “pond scum” and “rapists”. If you go to my post about “All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome”, you’ll see a little kitty joke I made at the end with an Occupy punch line. In case that alone doesn’t lend itself to what I think of Miller’s comments, then here it is. He’s done a hell of a job with “The Dark Knight Returns” and “Batman: Year One”, but his comments about the Occupy movement are disgusting as hell and I’m glad Alan Moore, the creator of Watchmen, had the sense to call him on that. If Frank Miller can continue to make awesomely violent comic books with a dark edge, then I promise to separate his work from his personal politics. I’m an atheist who listens to Skillet, so I think I’ll do just fine in ignoring political views I don’t agree with.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“New rule: wing nuts have to stop saying they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.”

-Bill Maher-