"Go the Fuck to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach

Getting a child to sleep is one of the most difficult tasks in the modern world. Sure, you can try rocking him back and forth, giving him a glass of warm milk, or even dipping his pacifier in a bottle of cough syrup, which I don’t recommend. But sooner or later, probably at 3:00 in the morning, you’re going to hear a combination of teeny tiny footsteps and either crying or pleading. When all else fails, there’s one more solution you can turn to in order to salvage the remains of your sanity. It’s a bedtime story parody for adults called “Go the Fuck to Sleep”, written by a father who went through all of the BS that comes with raising a child. In a tender daddy voice, the author, Adam Mansbach, lets the child know that he doesn’t give a crap if you’re thirsty for water, hungry for a snack, desperate for a bathroom trip, or bored without having a Disney movie playing in the background. One way or another, you’re going the fuck to sleep. And if the idea of a tender daddy voice reading this blunt story isn’t satisfying enough, then feel free to get on You Tube and search for a video where Samuel L. Jackson reads it out loud. Yes, that video exists. The same guy who dared Brett to say “What?” one more time, motherfucker, is narrating this harshly honest book of what all parents are thinking when putting their kids to bed. That way, if your child can’t sleep because he’s hungry for a snack, then he and Mr. Jackson can share a giant bag of Big Kahuna burgers together before washing them down with a tasty Sprite. But since Samuel L. Jackson is a little bit difficult to find these days, you’ll have to buy the book and have the cathartic experience yourself. Come to think of it, it’s probably not a good idea to read this story to your kids because of the language. If nothing else, it’s a very satisfying and giggly book. It goes by excessively fast, but only because it’s a parody of what impatient children love to hear at bedtime. Keep this book proudly in your own personal library. It just may be a better form of birth control than condoms and pills put together. What’s that? You already have children? No worries, it just means you can relate to this wonderful piece of literature even more. Thank you, Adam Mansbach, for saying what we’re all thinking deep down inside.

　

***REAL LIFE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: Have you ever wondered why your parents fed you corndogs, popsicles, and tacos?
FRIEND: Because they wanted me to grow up big and strong.
ME: Oh yeah! They love watching you eat your favorite foods!
FRIEND: Garrison, that’s sick!