NAME: Kai Nightwolf
AGED: 23
OCCUPATION: Medicine Woman
CANON: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign
Have you heard George Carlin’s latest idea for world peace? It’s simple: every person in the world has to get in a parallel line and shake the hands of the people in the other line. In other words, if everybody knew each other a little better in spite of the races and cultures, they’d be less likely to kill each other because they’d develop empathy that way. Before the Dungeons & Dragons world even heard of Electra and Sandra Nightwolf, there was a completely different tribeswoman who would break down racial barriers through her romantic escapades with Brutus Warcry. Her name was Kai Nightwolf.
Kai was not a warrior in any sense of the word. Her role within the Nightwolf Tribe was to heal those who came to her with illnesses, whether they were mental, physical, or spiritual. If you think a paladin’s “lay on hands” trick is pretty neat, try spending a night in Kai’s medical hut (don’t get any perverted ideas, you’re not getting any action). When entering Kai’s hut, think of yourself as a Diablo II character with one hit point left and poison running through your bloodstream. With one click, Kai will refill your health meter and expel the venom from your body. Okay, so that’s not exactly real time, but she was that good.
She had heard stories about the Warcry Tribe and how brutal they were (despite the Nightwolves being just as brutal themselves). And yet, when she was out picking herbs and berries for her natural medicine, a wounded warrior from the Warcry Tribe needed her the most. Kai knew this stranger was considered the enemy, but she still laid him on the ground and worked her healing magic. Within an hour of shamanistic rituals and medicine dances, Brutus was patched up and ready to go back into battle. But he didn’t want to go back to battle. He wanted to fall in love with Kai.
Brutus began to visit Kai more often even for little injuries like a hangnail or a splinter. The two of them began to realize how stupid racial hatred was. Despite their differences in flesh hues (Nightwolves were brown and Warcries were black), they went on dates together, long walks among the creek, naps in the forest, and they even made love once or twice. A barbaric extrovert like Brutus should have been used to having multiple women gather around him for sex. But this wasn’t sex with Kai. This was love making. This was a moment of beauty and passion, not shallowness and disgust. It’s because of moments like these that Kai and Brutus even considered running away from their respective tribes to get married.
Kai never made it. The day before she and Brutus could escape the tribal grounds, an army of Warcry warriors led by two unenlightened halfwits named Titus and Cabal surged through a Nightwolf encampment and slaughtered anybody with brown skin, including Kai, who had her head chopped off by Titus and Cabal themselves. Scalps were taken, weapons and treasures were looted, and dead bodies created an ocean of brown and red violence. Brutus found out about this heinous assault and excommunicated himself from the Warcry Tribe immediately.
Brutus was so heartbroken that he ran off to the city of Middlesex just to get away from his so called “family”. He never got over Kai. The feel of her smooth skin. The jasmine scent of her hair. The beauty of her chocolate eyes. The sensitivity and intellect within her tormented soul. Everything about Kai Nightwolf was beautiful to Brutus. He told this to his future wife Darthania and she too confessed that she never got over a past love of her own: a wizard named Randy Farrell. Brutus and Darthania were so lonely that they had nobody’s arms to run to but each other’s. They married while Kai and Randy’s spirits were floating in the heavens. Where’s the justice in that?
MATCH: Erick Rowan vs. The Big Show in a Steel Stairs Match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Stairs
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence
GRADE: Pass
The WWE broadcast team calls The Big Show the World’s Largest Athlete for a reason. He’s over seven feet tall and weighs a quarter of a ton. He’s not just a guy who hit the genetic jackpot. He’s strong, agile, and hits so hard his victims feel the pain for years on end. The Big Show started his wrestling career in the 90’s with WCW and won several championships there. He jumped to WWE in the latter part of that decade and is still a dominant ass-kicker in today’s wrestling world, having won even more world championships and being billed as a future first ballot Hall of Famer. I can’t say The Wrestling Observer Newsletter readers like him very much judging from all the negative awards they’ve given him over the years, but whatever.
And then there’s his opponent Erick Rowan, a seven foot tall, over three hundred pound Generation Y member who just arrived on the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of The Wyatt Family. Though he never won any major championships while he was with the group, he did make a major impact as somebody who was also strong and agile at the same time. He and his brethren Luke Harper and Bray Wyatt have dominated WWE by assaulting top tier guys and leaving them broken heaps. The three of them even won a Best Gimmick award from the WON in 2013 for being a backwoods cult. The Wyatt Family has since split up on account of Bray Wyatt “curing” Luke Harper and Erick Rowan, but these three ring warriors are no less dangerous.
Rowan and Show’s rivalry started when they were both on Team Cena at the Survivor Series 2014 pay-per-view against Team Authority, where Big Show betrayed his team at the last minute by knocking out John Cena and having him eliminated. Though Team Cena would still win the match, the anger towards Big Show from the WWE Universe was still strong for his cowardly act. Who would be the first to confront him and show him what an idiot he was? Erick Rowan, who in no uncertain terms said he doesn’t like bullies before dispatching of The Big Show.
And now we have this Steel Stairs Match at the TLCS pay-per-view the following month of December. In this match, there are no count-outs or disqualifications, only pin falls or submissions. Steel ring stairs are not only legal to use as weapons, they’re encouraged as such. Steel ring stairs weigh about as much as a typically-sized wrestler, which is somewhere north of 220 lbs. Erick Rowan and The Big Show are so huge and so strong that when they pick up steel stairs, those big pieces of metal look like toys in their arms. They make lifting the stairs look easy and make using them as weapons look even easier. It’s like a D&D-style gnomish rogue carrying a punch dagger. It’s that easy and that crafty.
To start off the match, Erick Rowan threw a martial arts spin kick and knocked Big Show down. I repeat, a 350 lbs. man threw a spin kick like he was Adrian Neville or Sami Zayn, both of whom are cruiserweights. Then the two wrestlers threw each other into the posts, into the barricades, and slammed each other on the outside floor, which is made of concrete and nothing more.
After the beginning flurry from Erick Rowan, The Big Show put on a dominant, squash match-style performance for the rest of the fight. Among the things the Big Show used the steel stairs for included as a battering ram, as a throwing weapon, as a slamming surface, as bowling pins for throwing Erick Rowan, he even put that huge piece of metal on the English announce table and scared the crap out of Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.
Over and over, Big Show smashed Erick Rowan with those stairs and knocked him unconscious several times. Rowan was dizzy and dumb after multiple blows to the head. His “high IQ” dropped a few points after this destructive ass-beating. And then to top it all off, Big Show figured Erick Rowan was going to kick out anyways, so Show held the steel stairs against Rowan’s gigantic chest and pinned him for a three count with all of that pressure. Even a zombie wouldn’t be able to kick out of that.
The creative ways to beat people with stairs, the impact of the blunt force trauma, the easiness of their use by both men, and the athletic displays also by both men are all what make me want to give this match a passing grade. There’s just one thing that bothers me, but it’s not enough to demote this match to a mixed grade, so don’t worry. Ever since this one-sided ass-kicking from Big Show to Erick Rowan, the latter was very rarely seen on television, and by television I mean Raw and Smackdown and not anything on the WWE Network.
The last time I heard of Rowan’s whereabouts was that he had a match with “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro on a minor league show called WWE Superstars. How exactly does a former Wyatt Family member with that much hype go from a deadly war at TLCS to being mingled with lower-status wrestlers? My theory was that Erick Rowan was only carrying the top spot until various injured wrestlers came off the shelf. It’s sad and unfortunate to think of Erick Rowan that way. He had and still does have lots of potential.
BOOK TITLE: Open Season
AUTHOR: CJ Box
YEAR: 2001
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Crime Thriller
GRADE: Pass
As the new Game Warden for Twelve Sleep, Wyoming, Joe Pickett hasn’t made a whole lot of friends. Whenever he needs to write a ticket or make an arrest, he does it without a second thought. It wasn’t anything personal until a former suspect of his wound up dead in a woodpile in his backyard. Three other hunters ended up dead in what would appear to be an open and shut case. Joe wasn’t satisfied with such an easy ending. He looked further into this case and uncovered a conspiracy involving an endangered species and plans to build an oil pipeline from Wyoming to California. The danger even goes deep enough to involve his family, the same family he vowed to protect throughout all of this.
Joe Pickett is far from a perfect character, which is actually a compliment and not an insult. As readers, we identify more with flawed characters than we do Gary-Stu’s. Joe tries to be the by-the-books, no-nonsense good guy, but occasionally he makes mistakes that cost him dearly. For example, in the opening moments of the book, Ote Keeley, the dead suspect I mentioned earlier, steals Joe’s gun right out from under his nose and could have killed him right there. Instead of dying, Joe took a huge hit to his pride. He constantly berates himself for not being a good enough husband to his wife or a father to his children. He fears that one of these blunders could cost him his entire family. And then what? What would he do with himself then?
Joe’s moral compass is one of the things that make this novel such a fascinating read. The other thing of course is how the mystery and the action is put together. Everybody knows that a happy ending is almost always on the horizon. The question then becomes, how? With all of these obstacles and unanswered questions in Joe Pickett’s way, how exactly does he go through hell and earn the ending he so rightly deserves? If I revealed the how’s, then I would need to post a spoiler alert. All you need to know is that Joe Pickett is the standup guy he so desperately wants to be. He puts his family first and himself second. With that kind of mentality, do you honestly believe he would settle for anything less than a shut case?
And then of course, there’s the political side to CJ Box’s Joe Pickett series, to which Open Season is the first one. As a hardcore liberal, commonsense would dictate that I would be irritated with the conservative views shown on this book. But I’m not. In fact, I don’t mind at all. As long as CJ Box continues to put out instant classic after instant classic, I’ll continue to read them like the devoted fan I am. Did I also mention that I’m a liberal who listens to Five Finger Death Punch and an atheist who listens to Skillet? The point I’m trying to make is that politics don’t dictate enjoyment. CJ Box sounds like a conservative, but he’s not overly preachy when it comes to his views. Open Season is not the first CJ Box book I’ve read and it sure as hell won’t be the last.
All in all, not only did CJ Box kick down the doors with his first Joe Pickett novel, but he also won so many awards and all of those victories were completely justified. This novel is fast-paced, emotional, and well-orchestrated. What more could you possibly want out of a mystery novel than that?
NAME: Laya Murderspell
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Sorceress
CANONS: Diablo II and Zeromancer
A dark fantasy novel wouldn’t be complete without a psychotic sorceress named Laya Murderspell. Any woman with “murder” in her last name has got to be trouble. After all, you wouldn’t want a woman named Laya Murderspell doing your taxes, would you? How about babysitting your children? Or taking you out for dinner and dancing at Taco Bell? I like a good burrito every now and then, but I love my life even more, which is why I won’t be romanced by Miss Murderspell anytime soon.
Laya is yet another dark fantasy character who got her start in a game of Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. As I’ve said with another sorceress whose name was Audrey Chainsaw, magic users aren’t my cup of tea when it comes to playing videogames. They’re not known for going toe-to-toe with their blades by their sides, so their fighting ability is extremely limited. They use magic attacks that require mana points. And once those mana points deplete, what then?
The other problem with Laya as a Diablo II character was her element of choice, which was fire. Burning people alive in a videogame is one of my favorite pastimes. But in this videogame, fire attacks don’t have the same nasty side effects that poison and cold elemental spells do, poison quickly depletes HP and cold magic slows movement.
What can you do with fire? Damage. That’s about it. If you’re going to do damage to somebody, would you rather it be with a barbarian with an axe (which requires no mana) or a sorceress with a fireball (which requires more mana than she’s worth).
In a 2011 dark fantasy novel I wrote called Zeromancer, Laya wasn’t bound down by videogame limits. I even dare say that she was a likeable character. She was the best friend of an Amazon warrior named Fatima Runetooth, who needed a best friend in the worst way after being sodomized by a gang of barbarians led by the main villain of that act, Rinehart Blackwolf.
Laya was a great friend who would do anything for Fatima. She would braid Fatima’s hair, share secrets with her, chat with her at 500 words per minute, and throw a fireball or a lightning bolt at anybody who tried to take advantage of her bestie. Laya Murderspell, despite having a scary last name, was great to have not only in the high school cafeteria, but also in the trenches.
I know I’ve been joking about Laya’s last name throughout this whole character analysis. And not one time did I joke about Laya sharing the same name, but different spelling with the metal bikini-wearing sex goddess from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. If I really wanted to play the fan service angle, I could do that with Laya.
But the last name of Murderspell makes her a character to be feared instead of trusted. If I want to make her into a realistic hero, the last name has to be changed. Otherwise, she’ll be misconstrued as a villain for the rest of her existence. If she does get taken for a hero, she’ll only be good for one thing and that’s being undefeated in combat, which would in turn make her a Mary-Sue. In short, Laya Murderspell has a lot of reconstruction to undergo if she’s going to be used as a reliable hero. But since I have a shortage of female villains in my archives, I think keeping her as is would be best for business. Problem solved!
You all have probably noticed when I review something I give it a generic grade of either pass or fail. Over the time I’ve been giving reviews, things have gotten more complicated than that. It’s suddenly not as simple as a P or an F anymore. In fact, here’s my grading system in a nutshell:
1. Extra Credit: This is an extremely rare grade that I give to a medium that I not only liked, but thought it exceeded expectations. Whenever I watch something, I usually expect that it will be likeable. When I give something an EC grade, it really blew me away and changed me forever. The only movie to get this grade so far is The Lego Movie, because it gave me the creative fuel I needed to get out of a slump of depression.
2. Pass: This is the most common grade I’ve given any movie, TV show, match, or book. When I watch something, I want to enjoy it, so I don’t intentionally pick out flaws or even dig very deep to find them. An example of a UFC match with a passing grade is the 2013 Fight of the Year, Gilbert Melendez vs. Diego Sanchez. It was exciting, just like a UFC match should be.
3. Mixed: This is exactly how it sounds. I liked whatever I was watching or reading, but not enough to give it a passing grade. I liked it despite the overwhelming number of flaws in the medium, and these are things that are obvious enough to even the most brain-dead viewers. The only movie to receive this grade so far is Dead Man Down, where the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett and the unresolved and overwhelming bullying storyline prevent it from being a favorite.
4. Fail: I’ve watched the show or read the book all the way through and I hated it. Very rarely will I finish a book or show that I hate, but it does happen, more often with TV and movies than with books. The last time I gave a failing grade was when I was reviewing a UFC lightweight bout between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard. While Gray was swinging away, Clay was evasive and timid, which made a brutal brawl an impossibility between these two. Clay Guida almost got points taken away by referee Dan Miragliotta for being a cowardly fighter. Almost is not enough.
5. Did Not Finish: In other words, the medium was so bad that I couldn’t stand to see it all the way through without having my brain explode. Normally when I can’t finish a book, I put it down and that’s the last you’ll ever hear from me. No reviews, just a brief show of frustration in a few characters or less. An example of a book I would give a DNF grade to is “Fifty Shades Darker” by EL James. Christian Grey is an unbearable asshole who doesn’t deserve to have a girlfriend in the first place, and yet, Anastasia Steele is so love sick that she’ll shack up with anybody at this point whether they’re nice or mean.
Five different grades for my reviews. Good Reads ranks books on a five star system. Coincidence? Probably not.
NAME: Clair Deus
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: Witch Hunter
CANON: None
Back in the years 2007 and 2008, whenever I was strapped for fantasy movie script ideas, I would come up with multiple lists of 100 original characters and randomly select from those lists to determine which ones would be in the same story. The list items would have a name, a race, and a class. That’s it. No back story, no psychology, no flaws, just the basics. The good stuff would be developed as I wrote the script. Unfortunately, Clair Deus, Human Witch Hunter, was never randomly chosen for a script, so she stayed on the list she was a part of indefinitely.
But the more I thought about the potential Clair Deus had, the more I began to develop her for no real reason inside my own head. I always envisioned her as a medieval dark fantasy version of Kate Beckinsale’s character from the Underworld saga. The few differences were, Clair had gothic makeup on her face and used crossbows and magic wands instead of guns and knives. Not much original thought put into Clair’s character, I agree.
It was the characters closest to her on the list that allowed me to develop her even further. Many of those extra characters had “mancer” in their class title. “Mancer” is a Greek suffix that signifies the person has magical powers in the prefix of his choosing. For example, a pyromancer works with fire, because pyro is a prefix for fire. A cryomancer uses ice, a hydromancer uses water, an electromancer uses lightning, and of course, we all know after playing Diablo II for half of our lives that necromancers deal in death. With so many people surrounding Clair Deus’ spot on the list with “mancer” in their job titles, you’d think she would have plenty of “witches” to choose from when she goes hunting for evil bastards.
All of these possibilities flowing through my head made me wonder why I couldn’t just cherry pick characters from these lists and do whatever the hell I goddamn want. I favor random selection for a number of reasons. One, it’s an exercise in discipline. If I force myself to conform my story to the selections I’ve made, I will have established myself as a disciplined writer who didn’t let his only form of controlled chaos get too overwhelming. Two, if I randomly select from whatever list I’m working with, I’m giving every list item an equal chance of being chosen. When everything has an equal chance and there’s no favoritism of any kind, that would be the equivalent of parents raising multiple children. I treat list items like I would treat my own children if I wanted any: with justice and fairness.
Although I use randomness every day whenever I’m working creatively (in fact, I use it to choose blog topics as well), Clair Deus will have to settle for being an unemployed character on Garrison’s Library. But if she stayed there indefinitely, it would defeat the purpose of having old characters’ biographies on my blog in the first place. I want to use Clair in a dark fantasy story someday. The question is, how big of a role will she play (if any at all) and will she have enough flaws to make her a believable character rather than a Mary-Sue badass? That’s the problem I’ve faced in the past with a lot of my dark fantasy characters: they were too perfect for their own good. Nobody likes perfection, because life is far from perfect. Although we should all strive to be better people, we will never be perfect, which is what makes real life such an interesting story. Shouldn’t Clair Deus’ story reflect that kind of creativity? And before you ask, no, Clair’s last name isn’t a recycling of Deus Shadowheart’s first name. The two characters are unrelated.
MOVIE TITLE: The Lego Movie
DIRECTORS: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Kids Adventure
RATING: PG for comic mischief
GRADE: Extra Credit
In a world inhabited by Lego characters and creations, the evil Lord Business plans on using a weapon known as Kragle to freeze Lego parts in place and make everybody conform to his ideal utopia. The only thing that can neutralize Kragle is a special block known as the Piece of Resistance, which came into the hands of an everyday dork named Emmet Brickowski. Emmet has no fighting abilities nor creativity when it comes to building things, unlike the Master Builders he aligns himself with, who take full advantage of their creative prowess. Can an everyday loser like Emmet become something greater with this quest or will he forever be a conformist member of Lord Business’ bland culture?
This movie was so awesome that it became the first of the ones I’ve reviewed to be graded “extra credit”, which means it exceeded expectations. Then again, as a Lego collector myself who made an entire childhood of playtime with these toys, I’m kind of biased. The nostalgic feeling of a happy childhood made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. This movie has shown me that even though growing old is inevitable, but growing up is overrated. Kids learn the power of storytelling through Legos, just like I did. When they grow into adults, they’re still playing with Legos, but they’re recording the action in the form of art in order to better their wallets and their imaginations. You’re damn right I’m biased!
The message of retaining your creativity in the face of adversity is one that doesn’t get spread enough. We keep hearing about kids going to school and having their individuality crushed by sadistic teachers and cruel students. The last time I saw something like that, it was in the music videos for “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another part of this equation is telling children that they’ll starve if they become artists. While it is hard to be an artist and survive, it’s even harder to be a soul-dead office jockey with high stress and a bland life. The Lego Movie makes us believe in the power of our imaginations once again with the antics of the Master Builders, one of which includes an 80’s astronaut named Benny who has a zealous fervor for building spaceships.
Last, but certainly not least, every intricate detail in The Lego Movie plays out like a child using his imagination to create a story for himself. Everything and everyone in this movie has a purpose. No stone is left unturned. The Piece of Resistance is a cap and Kragle is superglue. The Master Builders’ abilities to create anything they want allows them the weapons and equipment they need to overcome their villainous obstacles. The fan fiction elements (Superman, Batman, Ninjas, Gandalf, etc.) also have a purpose: because pop culture and nostalgic fuzzy feelings go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly, a snack eaten by those who refuse to grow up and be boring people.
Thank you, Lego Movie, for rekindling my interest in the toy franchise and reigniting my creative spirit. Thank you, Lego Movie, for telling us to never stop believing in ourselves, that we can create anything we want and still make a happy life for ourselves. Thank you, Lego Movie, for bringing happiness to my life when I was seriously doubting myself as a writer. Sometimes we just need somebody or something to tell us we can make it through life with our souls intact. The evils of the world such as politics, war, and prejudice often make us lose ourselves along the way. And then comes The Lego Movie to remind us that….(cue techno music)…”Everything is awesome!”
NAME: Kat Sexton
AGE: 27
OCCUPATION: Agent of the Flame
CANON: Fireball Nightmare
It happened yet again, folks: the alumni from Final Fantasy Hardcore couldn’t hold down a job after all. Deus Shadowheart, Dr. Scott Cain, Gail Reinhold, Rudiger Seran, all of those guys and more are out of work yet again. Kat Sexton was just making her literary debut in Fireball Nightmare and she wasn’t even around for a cup of coffee. How sad. How relentlessly sad. And by the way, Susan, her name is Kat Sexton, not Sexy Cat. And for the last time, those things on the end of her breasts aren’t called Cat Nips. Okay, that was my idea, so I’m pretty much talking to myself here.
In the first act of Fireball Nightmare, Kat Sexton was mentioned as the ex-girlfriend of the main character Deus Shadowheart. Deus was a loyal servant to the volcanic god Vahd (that rhymes), who threatened to destroy the world if his one singular forest was violated by land developers. Kat didn’t see the urgency in such a threat and decided to dump Deus. Kat wouldn’t be seen again until the second act, when Vahd really did carry out his threat after his forest burned to the ground at the hands of Dr. Scott Cain, one of my most popular villains.
The second act saw the world in fiery and lava-infested ruins. Red skies, red grounds, red rivers, and more importantly, red blood stains. Ironically enough, Kat joined a different religion from the one Deus was a part of. She signed up with a deity named Paladine and became the Agent of the Flame, which is one of the religion’s highest honors. Kat had one job: find the Lunar Crystal and drop it down Vahd’s blowhole, which will kill him and restore order to the world.
The entirety of act two was supposed to center around the romantic relationships of all seven main heroes. In Kat’s case, she was in a love triangle with Deus and Brutus Warcry, the latter of which was recycled from a game of Dungeons & Dragons. Kat desperately wanted to give Deus a second chance to right his wrongs, but Brutus was just the perfect guy for her. Two badass barbarians fighting over the same chick. Sounds like an episode of Cheaters: Dark Fantasy edition. The only difference is, neither Joey Greco nor Clark Gable III has the balls to get in between these three warriors. They know how fight and everyone around them will be dragged to their early grave in a pool of violence.
Unfortunately, the love triangle was never fully developed, because in the middle of act two, I decided to pull the plug on Fireball Nightmare. I thought long and hard about making that decision and it was still difficult to make. But it had to be done. The character roster consisted of Gary-Stus, Mary-Sues, and premature kamikazes. The only emotional quality to any of these characters was within their romantic lives, but the romance wasn’t believable, so it’s not much to hold onto. Kat was no exception to the Mary-Sue rule. She was a badass fighter and that’s about it. Not one visible flaw within or without her.
The other reason why Fireball Nightmare was a failure was because by the time the second act rolled along, there were seven heroes for me to baby-sit. I have a hard time getting into the heads of that many people. For future reference, I’m going to try and cut back on how many characters are in a given story. Watch You Burn, my current work in progress, has a three vs. three system of good and evil characters. Mario, Jessica, and Gryace are the heroes and Sage, Austin, and Cameron are the villains. Simple as that. No need for extra unneeded shit. If Fireball Nightmare was that simple, I might not have pulled the plug on it.
So what should we do with a girl like Kat Sexton? She can still be a martial arts badass with a cape, tank top, and cargo pants. She can still fight for the greater good. But if I can’t come up with any flaws for her, then she’ll have to be a side character and not the lead one. Ultimate badasses don’t have much to learn. Flawed characters do. Kat Sexton has a lot of potential in one of my future stories. But for now, she’ll have to keep her eyes glued to the want-ads.
NAME: Loretta
AGE: 33
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: WWF Smackdown 2: Know Your Role
Technically, this seven-foot tall Amazon doesn’t belong to me. When I was a teenager living in Chehalis, Washington, my brother James, our friend Nathan, and I played a lot of videogames. WWF Smackdown 2 for the Play Station just so happened to have a create your own character mode.
And boy, did the three of us make a lot of characters. My most noteworthy character was a seven-foot version of Guile from Street Fighter II. Nathan’s character was a soldier slash hippie named Me (and yes, Nathan took full advantage of the jokes that came with that name). James had a seven-foot diva named Loretta, who happens to be the subject of this journal.
Guile can’t be an unemployed character because he’s a staple of the Street Fighter franchise and using him would result in a legal shit storm I’m not prepared for. I can’t get a hold of Nathan these days since he phased out of our lives in late 2002, so I don’t even know if I have permission to use Me in a story (save your jokes, people).
I have no qualms, however, about adding Loretta to my roster since my brother James doesn’t have aspirations of being an author nor does he take wrestling seriously anyways. If I stole Loretta out from under his nose, he’d be so oblivious to it that he wouldn’t even care if he found out. If he does care, I’m happy to give her back.
Loretta wasn’t just a big chick in a long skirt, high heels, a sports bra, and sunglasses. Being big isn’t everything. Being skillful is what matters most in professional wrestling. Loretta was part of the same videogame that had Chyna on its roster. Remember Chyna from the Attitude Era of WWE? She was fucking huge. She wrestled men and looked good doing it, which is why Chyna was the only woman to have held the WWE Intercontinental Championship. Loretta makes this woman look like El Torito in the ring. She could crush Chyna underneath her high heels and scrape her off like chewed bubblegum.
In addition to being a badass in the ring, Loretta was also slated by James and Nathan to be the storyline lover of Guile, who as I said earlier was a seven-foot version of his Street Fighter self. At first I didn’t agree with that since I had a shallow bias against overly tall women back then. But the more I think about it, the more I think Guile and Loretta should tie the knot and make seven-foot babies.
You know what’s even scarier than a seven-foot baby? A seven foot baby who was made taller and heavier by a pituitary disorder. If The Big Show and The Great Khali were a part of this videogame, they’d be insects among this world of giants. It wouldn’t be a WWE arena anymore. It’d be an ant farm. What if Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio were a part of this game? Guile and Loretta’s children would need a microscope just to compete against them!
Several Women’s Championship matches and beauty contests later, the videogame disc for WWF Smackdown 2 was scratched and broken from overuse. It was a fun game to play, but with a broken game disc, a sold Play Station, and a lost memory card, Loretta’s adventures in the digital world are over. Which is why I’d like to bring this giantess back to the digital world for a round of literary action.
The way I see it, Loretta’s character, should I decide to use her, can play out two ways and both of them have to do with her height advantage. Either she will be an unlikely hero who gets picked on for her size or she will be a villain who crushes villagers underneath her stilettos while breathing fire on them. Both alignments are believable for a woman like this. After all, being seven feet tall is not a guarantee for a happy or beautiful life.
Would you believe it if I told you The World’s Strongest Man and WWE legend Mark Henry was bullied as a teenager? He may have been big and strong, but he was still flawed in the eyes of everyone around him, especially those who called him names. Bottom line: if Loretta ever makes it into one of my stories, she won’t be winning a Most Overrated award from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter anytime soon.
MOVIE TITLE: St. Vincent
DIRECTOR: Theodore Melfi
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Dramatic Comedy
RATING: R for fight scenes, language, and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Vincent MacKenna is an angry old drunk with gambling problems, a prostitute girlfriend, and an addiction to cigarettes. And yet, he’s the only one who is available to baby-sit 12-year-old Oliver while his mother Maggie is working long hours at the hospital. Vincent seems like a highly unlikely candidate for a babysitting job. He takes Oliver to gamble at the race track, drink at the bar, and even teaches him how to fight back against Catholic school bullies. Behind all of the alcoholic rage, Vincent proves to be a worthy mentor for Oliver as the two teach each other valuable life lessons. There’s not one character in this movie who isn’t permanently changed for the better by the time the movie is over.
The first thing I’d like to touch on is the relationship between Oliver and his school bully Robert. These two get into plenty of fights during the beginning moments of the movie. But when the two of them are punished with toilet cleaning duty, they bonded over the fact that they both had scumbags for fathers. Normally when I talk about bullying in movies, I always wish a hardcore beating for the ones doing the bullying. While vengeance may seem nice during a moment of rage, diplomacy will always be a superior tactic. Violence begets more violence. Peace begets friendship. Oliver and Robert found their peace and become friends over time. This should count as a spoiler, but since it happens early enough in the movie, I don’t see how a warning is necessary.
The relationships between the characters and how they improve over time is heartwarming, but since this is a comedy, there should also be laughs to go with that warmth. The biggest source of comedy comes from Bill Murray’s performance as Vincent MacKenna. Mr. Murray portrays his character like a clumsy and foulmouthed degenerate. Whenever he’s cussing somebody out, making an off-color comment, or just being socially inept, the audience is laughing alongside him. He also employs a little bit of slapstick as well when he accidentally hits himself in the face with an ice hammer and knocks himself into unconsciousness. It’s brutal, but because Bill Murray is the one portraying it, he does a masterful job of turning brutality into giggles. Richard Roeper said Bill Murray might get an Oscar for this and I’m hard pressed to disagree with him.
The entire character roster of this film is flawed in some way. We like flawed characters, because they’re relatable and perfection is boring. If Vincent MacKenna was a heroic superman with a chiseled chin and a golden smile, this movie would be a snooze fest. If Oliver wasn’t a scrawny little dork, there’s be no reason for a bullying storyline, which is a huge part of the script. If Maggie wasn’t a struggling mother with all of these obstacles in her way, then she wouldn’t have a need to introduce Oliver to Vincent, which goes against the whole point of the story. Flaws in characters should be celebrated, because they make transformation that much more believable.
I first saw St. Vincent on my last day of a vacation to San Diego where Lego Land was the main reason for going. The reason for seeing this movie was to kill time before we had to hurry up and wait at the airport to go home. I must say that seeing this movie was the perfect way to end an already delightful vacation. I’m a sucker for a good story and St. Vincent has just that. A good movie puts me in a good mood, which is something everybody should have before they engage in stressful air travel. Because I was in a good mood, my flight back to Seattle went as smoothly as I could have asked for. Positivity attracts other positive things; never forget that proverb.
What do you get when you combine the hotness of the Bella Twins and the aggressive and barbaric fighting style of the Uso Twins? You get Electra and Sandra, the Nightwolf Twins. In case that reference flew right over your heads like a Frisbee, Electra and Sandra, can kick the shit out of anybody they want and look like a million gold pieces doing it. Wait a second, did I say gold pieces? What kind of fantasy world uses that currency? I pretty much answered my own question there: a fantasy world, particularly of the Dungeons & Dragons variety.
The twins got their start in the Middlesex Campaign I did with my online friends Heather and TJ, the same one that included the human barbarian Brutus Warcry, the half-orc barbarian Agrusk Xis, and the elf wizard Darthania Gaveston. As a reward for protecting the mayor of Middlesex, Brutus and Darthania were given the services of government sanctioned bodyguards to make sure they didn’t have to live in fear of criminal gangs anymore. When one of them was murdered by an MMA fighter (outside the cage), the Nightwolf Twins were his replacement. I’d say they were a huge upgrade, but that would be disrespectful to the memory of Chris Bryan, the one who was killed.
The twins proved to be more than useful and have earned their money in spades. They beat the asses of any gangster who had a price on Brutus and Darthania’s heads and they…well…here’s where their services get a little X-rated and off the clock (I said clock, you perverts). While the two of them were in a bigamous relationship with another government paid bodyguard (an elf paladin named Windham Farrell), the X-rated action wasn’t limited to those three. It got pretty interesting in the Gaveston-Warcry household. They spent more money on cleaning supplies than a subway janitor. I’ll let you all figure out what that means.
Now that you know the shallow meaning of the Nightwolf Twins (fighting and fucking), it’s time to dig a little deeper into their souls. You see, the Nightwolves and the Warcries (two barbaric tribes) didn’t always get along. In fact, they would go to war with each other and murder several warriors. Brutus’ girlfriend at the time, Kai Nightwolf, had her head cut off by two of his fellow tribesmen, Titus and Cabal Warcry. Brutus has since moved off of the Warcry Reservation and into Middlesex out of spite for his fellow tribesmen. Although the Warcries and the Nightwolves eventually made peace with each other, Brutus can’t get Kai out of his mind. Therefore, when Brutus is doing…things to Electra and Sandra, he sees Kai in both of them. It’s kind of a sick consolation, which means Brutus still has issues to work out.
Electra and Sandra had the same issues with their own tribe that Brutus had with the Warcries. The twin sisters didn’t know who to trust at that time, so they moved to Middlesex and got jobs as government protectors. Normally, there would be all of this rhetoric about not being able to trust “big government”. The mayor of Middlesex, Shawn Simms, disproved those insecurities by being the one responsible for bringing peace between the Nightwolves and the Warcries. If Electra and Sandra couldn’t trust their own people, they could find solace within the payroll of Shawn Simms. And the rest, they say, is history.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“We have a food fight every Thanksgiving…with canned goods!”
-Jerry Lawler-
The more I think about it, the more I believe there’s a reason Christina McLeod is currently an unemployed character. As you can guess from the last name, she’s related to Mitch McLeod from Brawl Mart (soon to be separated into Occupy Wrestling). What you don’t know is that she’s his older sister. This isn’t exactly a good reason to remain unemployed (unless you ask Keegan Day about it). Christina’s Mary-Sue-like perfection on the other hand is.
When I first came up with Christina McLeod, it was during my teenaged years and a time in the WWE when sexualizing women was the norm. Teenaged boys plus sexy women equals 30 minutes of masturbation. It’s not the new math, it’s the old science. So I kept asking myself how I could make Christina McLeod as sexy as possible. Bisexuality with a preference for women always works. Long black hair? Check. Snow white skin? Got it. Skimpy wrestling clothes that look more like beachwear than sports gear? Hell yes.
And last but not least, an infamous incident in the fantasy world where she competed in a bikini contest with other WWE divas and instead came out wearing nothing but a diaper. No shirt, no bra, not even pasties, just a diaper. You think she won that contest? By a landslide, and I’m not talking about the one going on in her male fans’ pants.
But of course, sexualizing women doesn’t work in today’s wrestling world, or even in a normal society for that matter. WWE programming is rated TV-PG and TNA programming is too sucky to get the girls any real attention. On top of all that (that’s not a sexual innuendo, I swear), I’m also mature and liberal enough to recognize that women don’t owe men anything when it comes to their bodies. If women want to show them off, that’s fine. If they’d rather be remembered for something else, even more power to them. I could take the easy road and say Christina made the choice to show off her body, but coming from a male writer who invented a fictional character, that’s not going to fly, so I just let it go.
And as it turned out, if Christina McLeod would have been published, she might have been remembered for something else as well: being so good at fighting and wrestling that she could not only defeat male opponents, she could do so convincingly. According to her back story, Christina had a stint in the marines and learned martial arts and mental toughness from that institution. The only reason why she’s no longer a marine is because she beat up multiple male soldiers who tried to rape her. That’s okay, because she didn’t want to die for a country that normalized rape anyways. Suck it, Paul Ryan and Todd Aiken.
Okay, so we’ve got this super hot chick who not only looks good naked, but also could kick anybody’s ass on any given Sunday. Hell, she could win the KDW World Title tomorrow if she wanted to. But there’s a problem with these credentials. In all this time I’ve been flapping my gums, I never once gave Christina one character flaw of any kind. That’s not good. Not good at all. Flawed characters are easy to relate to. Connecting with the audience in some way is important for any character. If you’re a villain, you want to be cruel and unusual. If you’re a hero, you want to be an overachieving underdog. What do you do if you’re Christina McLeod? Pardon me, but I haven’t figured that out just yet.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
KRAMER: Things are going pretty well for me here in Hollywood. I met a girl.
JERRY: Kramer, she was murdered.
KRAMER: Yeah well, I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship.
-Seinfeld-
TITLE: WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In order to appreciate the sheer brutality of this main event match for John Cena’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship, it’s important to understand the back story of both competitors, the champion John Cena and the challenger Brock Lesnar.
John Cena started his career in the WWE in 2002, won his first world championship in 2005, and ever since then has become the cornerstone of WWE as well as a 15-time world champion. In other words, he’s not just some schmuck from the gym. Even the heel announcers are calling John Cena a future Hall of Famer. He gave 12 years of his life to the wrestling business and has made epic memories throughout his entire career.
Brock Lesnar is an entirely different animal. He hates the wrestling business and hates people even more. He’s a mercenary with a lust for money and inflicting pain on others. He too started in the WWE in 2002, but after winning multiple world titles left in 2004 to pursue other athletic careers. His most noteworthy achievement outside of WWE is being a former UFC Heavyweight Champion with victories over Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir. He returned to WWE in 2012 on a part-time basis and did the impossible: he defeated The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30 and handed him his first defeat at that pay-per-view.
The hype surrounding this upcoming Summer Slam main event was epic. It was a battle everybody wanted to see. And when it was all said and done, Brock Lesnar shocked the world yet again. This wasn’t just a professional wrestling match. This was something John Cena would later call a “100% ass-kicking” at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The match was only 30 seconds old and already Lesnar hit Cena with his finishing move: a fireman’s carry face buster called the F5. But Lesnar was far from finished.
Using his MMA background, he delivered hard knees, wrecking ball fists, and battleaxe elbows to John Cena, rendering him so helpless that the offence he could muster was extremely minimal. On top of those hard strikes, Brock Lesnar delivered 16 German suplexes to his opponent and left him gasping for air and struggling for clear vision.
Did I mention already that John Cena is a 15-time world champion and a future Hall of Famer? Okay, I was just making sure. It would seem unrealistic that a man with John Cena’s illustrious credentials would suffer a beating as torturous as that and not have anything left to give of his own. But that’s the way it happened and Brock Lesnar won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in convincing fashion, as Michael Cole put it.
The hype leading up to this match along with the sheer brutality of Lesnar’s offence was enough to convince Dave Meltzer, a well-respected wrestling historian, to give the performance 4.25 stars out of 5. I’m not speaking for Mr. Meltzer, but I’m guessing the reason it didn’t get the full five was because John Cena took a long time to recover from each suplex and strike and it slowed the match down considerably.
I’m normally all about fast-paced matches, but in the case of Lesnar vs. Cena, I can make an exception. This match was maximum brutality and resulted in a huge push for Brock Lesnar. If somebody were to defeat him for the WWE World Title, it would be an admirable and heroic feat. You might have to search far and wide for a wrestler who’s willing to do that, but he’s there, trust me.
As for John Cena, his future was being questioned after taking such a devastating beating. Triple H, the man in charge at the time, considered not giving him his obligatory rematch. A panel of Hall of Famers, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan, actually got together to debate whether John Cena would be ready for another rematch or if he should just retire since Lesnar’s unstoppable.
If John Cena ever did get another chance at the title, he would have a huge mountain to climb. If he climbed that mountain, it would give him the biggest boost in his career and would pretty much seal the deal for a Hall of Fame induction.
To prove he was ready, Cena did the exact same thing to Bray Wyatt during an episode of Raw that Brock Lesnar did to Cena at Summer Slam: delivered a 100% ass-kicking. Bray Wyatt’s a 300-lb wrecking ball, not some loser off the streets, so giving him a 100% beating is a heroic feat in and of itself.
Everything about this Summer Slam match from the in-ring action to the hype to the aftermath was well-executed on the part of WWE. Some would question their decision to make Brock Lesnar the champion since he’s on a part-time schedule and won’t defend it that often. I don’t question it, because main event pay-per-view matches in the WWE are still top quality without Lesnar’s presence. Isn’t that right, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins?
BOOK TITLE: Super Mario: How Nintendo Conquered America
AUTHOR: Jeff Ryan
RELEASE DATE: 2011
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Videogame Biography
GRADE: Pass
From Nintendo’s early days with the Donkey Kong arcade game to the present day with Super Mario Wii, Jeff Ryan documents the history of the Mario character and how over many decades he became the symbol of excellence for video gaming. This constant promotion of such a simple, let lovable character didn’t come without hardship. Nintendo had to constantly put out games and consoles that rivaled other systems like the Sega Genesis, Sony Play Station, and the Microsoft X-Box to name a few. Sometimes Nintendo won these rivalries, sometimes they were hit hard with a massive loss in revenue. Even today Nintendo struggles to keep Mario relevant in a generation full of new gadgets and principles.
First and foremost, the research Mr. Ryan conducted along with this previous knowledge of videogames shines through for this book. Every detail is so intricate that trusting this book for its word wouldn’t be too far out of bounds. The computer lingo might sound a bit confusing at first, but it’ll all make sense the closer you get to the middle and end of the book. My only question to Mr. Ryan is, how exactly did he find this information out? Did he individually ask the Nintendo execs about everything they know or did he have to surf every crevice of the web? Don’t worry, I’m not calling him out on any flaws; it just piques my curiosity, that’s all.
Many people on Good Reads have criticized Jeff Ryan’s use of pop culture references, particularly as he fused them into the writing style to make it his own. Normally, pop culture references are a no-no in literature due to the reader’s off chances that he might not know what the author is talking about. Jeff Ryan can get away with it, though, because Mario culture is pop culture. The references don’t go too far off from the videogame genre and are actually amusing to listen to from time to time. In short, I believe the energetic writing style is fun to read and would make Mr. Ryan’s job as a writer for the Huffington Post much more believable to a layman.
And now we get to my favorite part of any book I give a passing grade, the pacing. The pacing is somewhat slower than what I usually read, but that doesn’t bother me at all. It only bothered me during the opening chapters when Nintendo was just a generic entertainment company instead of a Mario and Donkey Kong giant. My patience kicked in and the book has been an enjoyable read ever since. This would be the time where I encourage all of my readers to have at least some level of patience when dealing with a new book or a new author. The excitement will happen one way or another. Such is the case with “Super Mario” by Jeff Ryan.
If you’re feeling nostalgic about your videogame-playing past, this book is for you. It’s not only good for getting that warm fuzzy feeling flowing through your bloodstream, but it’s also educational, particularly as it relates to running a business. Running a business of any kind is hard work and in this screwed up economy, most of them either don’t make it or barely make enough to survive by the skin of their teeth. I have a new appreciation for what business owners have to go through on a daily basis. It still doesn’t mean I’m letting them get away with tax cuts for billionaires or exploiting foreign workers. Just throwing that out there.
You’ve probably seen my posts for Devon Spirit Wolf and Constance Cable and are wondering why I have a fascination with female MMA referees. You’re already wondering if Cheryl Glenn will join the club and you’d be right in thinking so. Referees and females have something in common: they don’t get the respect and thanks they deserve for everything they do. If you’re a referee, you get criticized for every disagreeable decision you make. If you’re a woman, well, they’ll just call you things like “bitch” and “whore” while denying you the right to a safe abortion. I’d like to think of myself as someone who favors the underdogs of society.
Cheryl Glenn is somebody who is an underdog in a lot of ways. Aside from being a female MMA referee who only occasionally makes “bad” calls, she’s also in her early 50’s. She’s heard every sexist and ageist comment in the book. Since she actually is a grandmother, the sexist and ageist jokes come naturally for the ignorant masses. Mixed-martial arts is mostly watched by conservative males with a lot of energy and testosterone. If you think someone like Kim Winslow has a hard enough time being a female referee, then you can understand the plight of the fictional Cheryl Glenn as well. “Make me a sandwich, grandma!” Lovely. Just lovely.
But Mrs. Glenn isn’t one to back down from intimidation so easily. Aside from being a martial artist herself of many decades, she’s also been known to take away the ring announcer’s microphone and give the bigoted audience a piece of her mind.
Cheryl first made an appearance in a short story called “Dot Your Eyes”, where she was the referee for a lightweight main event between a gay fighter named Evan Rader and his homophobic opponent Heath Marks. Because Evan is openly gay, the audience thought it was funny to call him Evan Gay-der. Get it? Har-dee-har-har-har. My ribs are sore from forgetting to laugh. When Cheryl had her turn at the microphone, she told the audience if they didn’t stop chanting homophobic slurs, she was going to cancel the fight and declare it a No Contest due to audience distraction. They shut up pretty damn quickly after that.
Although “Dot Your Eyes” will never see the light of day due to its excessive vulgarity, there will be another time when Cheryl Glenn is used. When she has the microphone for another time, she’ll ask the lighting technicians to shine a spotlight on an certain audience member in the front row. She’ll give that audience member a speech similar to the one David Draiman from Disturbed gave at one of his concerts. It goes like this:
“Hi there! You obviously didn’t come here to watch the fights. You’ve been playing fucking videogames on your smart phone since the opening match. I’ll tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Because right now, to be honest, I can appreciate you not being a fan of the UFC. Hell, there are even times when the UFC pisses ME off. But right now, you’re being really disrespectful to the fighters who came here to perform for you. If you’d rather play videogames, then give up your seat to somebody who wants to watch the fights. So this is how this is going to work. If you want to be respectful, you can stay. If not, then security, if you see him take out his cell phone one more time, you have my permission to kick him the fuck out of here!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, young or old, gay or straight: Cheryl Glenn doesn’t fear you. She may be a grandmother and she may be a woman herself, but she’ll still kick your ass if you cross her. It could be a well-placed kick between the legs. It could be a judo hip toss a la Ronda Rousey. It could be five fingers of death right to your glass jaw. If you’re really curious as to how much of a grumpy grandma Cheryl can be, push her limits. She’ll not only push back, she’ll push your ass over.
***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.”
-Bertrand Russell-
Okay, so chainsaws weren’t invented in the dark ages, but it’s still pretty damn sweet to see a sorceress with the name Audrey Chainsaw coming to Deckard Cain’s rescue. The name alone is enough to send shivers down the spines of imp demons (not that they don’t already have them as evidenced by their constant evasions). If my Diablo II: Lord of Destruction sorceress was named Audrey Periwinkle, her dead enemies would come back to life just to laugh at her. She would die of low self-esteem, which sounds nastier than some of the things Diablo’s minions did to the rogue soldiers with their torture devices.
Although Audrey didn’t carry an anachronistic weapon around like a chainsaw, she was still a deadly sorceress to play with in Diablo II. She was just like any other sorceress I played with in the sense she specialized in cold magic. Just one blast from Audrey’s mystic energies would either slow down or completely immobilize her opponents (the latter provided it wasn’t a boss enemy).
Once the enemies were frozen in place, Audrey whacked them relentlessly with whatever weapon she had until they turned into puddles of water. Puddles of water can’t be resurrected in the same way a fresh corpse can, which is bad news for an imp shaman as well as Blood Raven. Then again, it’s also bad news for any necromancer that might want to be in my adventuring party since they too can raise undead minions.
In a game where fast enemies can cause a fast death, slowing them down with frost magic is essential. Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ends with Audrey Chainsaw and any other sorceress using cold magic. Audrey became so dependent on her magic that she never had the chance to beef herself up into a legitimate warrior. And what was she supposed to do against an enemy with mana burn? Or what if she used her magic so many times and drank all of her mana potions? Limited mana is the one thing about magic users that pissed me off no matter what fantasy-themed game I was playing, which is why I favored warriors since they could take a beating as well as give a relentless one.
Audrey never made it past the first act. Every time she engaged in battle with Andariel, she was killed so easily that resurrecting her became a pain in the ass after a while. While it may be too late for Audrey Chainsaw to become a legitimate threat in a videogame, it’s not too late for her as a book character.
Seeing as how her last name is Chainsaw, she’d have to have powerful cold magic right off the bat. No learning, no sharing, no growth, just straight up cold magic. But if she’s not required to learn anything, then it means she can’t be the main character of whatever book I’m writing. Main characters grow and develop while side characters may already be there and villains weaken over time. I loved playing as Audrey in Diablo II, but if she has to play second banana in order to make a story believable, then so be it. I wouldn’t even be opposed to making her the main villain. We’ll just wait and see what happens.
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: Tomorrow in school, Reina is going to learn about the Norwegian deserts and the Mexican glaciers.
SUSAN: Why would she be learning about that? Wait a minute, you’re an asshole!
MOVIE TITLE: X-Men: First Class
GENRE: Political Superhero Movie
RATING: PG-13 for violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In America, there are always two sides to every political battle: liberal vs. conservative, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, etc. In X-Men: First Class, a very different political battle takes place: between “normal” humans and mutants. All the mutants want is the same civil rights their “normal” counterparts are entitled to. Due to the mutants’ unstable superpowers, they haven’t been granted those rights and are often seen as second-class citizens.
If you take a peaceful and loving approach to mutant rights, you’ll want to side with the Martin Luther King, Jr. esque Professor Charles Xavier. If you want to stain your opponents in their own blood and filth, side with the Malcolm X esque Magneto. Despite being worlds apart in their approaches, Professor X and Magneto were at one point best friends. They needed each other’s friendship in the worst way in X-Men: First Class when they had to battle a powerful nemesis named Sebastian Shaw in an attempt to stop him from exploiting the Cuban Missile Crisis to further his evil agenda.
If you’re a sucker for political analogies melded into a superhero backdrop, X-Men: First Class is for you. The movie maintains a safe distance from the problems we face in the real world so that the audience can enjoy the movie without starting a riot. Those who wish to delve deeper into the movie’s meaning of social justice will also be satisfied. Or if you just want to watch a bunch of overpowered superheroes beat the shit out of each other, that’s fine too, there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you’ve seen other X-Men movies directed by Bryan Singer, then you’ll appreciate the extra effort he puts into making sure his storylines don’t contradict each other between movies. Mystique for example starts out as a beautiful human woman who only occasionally transforms into the scaly blue assassin we all know from the later movies. If you’re interested in knowing how she got that way, First Class will be happy to explain it to you. Same thing with The Beast. He starts out as a webbed foot scientist and later becomes the blue gorilla berserker we all know him to be today. No spoilers, you’ll have to watch the damn movie. Are you also curious as to why Professor X in the later movies rolls around in a wheel chair? What about where the name X-Men came from? Watch the damn movie.
This movie has everything a superhero fan could ever want: energy-tossing violence, a solid storyline that doesn’t falter or contradicts itself, a little bit of romance, a little bit of friendship, and a whole lot of interesting superpowers for these mutants to wield. Have you ever wanted to know how to win a fight with a teleporting demon? Have you ever wanted to know what will happen if a powerful mutant swallows a volcanic orb? Do you still think the ability to control metal and the ability to read minds will make you so godly that you can’t be beaten? There are no gods in this movie, only martyrs. But just because there are no gods, doesn’t mean an Armageddon flame shower isn’t possible. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis we’re talking about there, this is serious stuff. A mutant with a missile? God help us all.
A passing grade is what I give X-Men: First Class, along with any other X-Men movie in this canon. Well done, mutants. Wait a minute, did I just say “well done” in a conversation about fire? That was an accident, I swear to god, or the mutants who think they can play god.
Pirate culture was something I wasn’t always emotionally invested in. Even after watching two movies from the Pirates of the Caribbean series and watching an anime called One Piece, I couldn’t get behind the culture. What finally changed my mind about it was joining a Good Reads group aptly called Weekly Short Story Contests and Company, which I’m still a proud member of. We posts stories and poems and get awesome feedback whether it’s in the form of praise or critique. But more importantly, this Good Reads group has a pirate motif. It’s not just an internet group; it’s a pirate ship complete with talking mice, roughhousing, and swashbuckling. God, I love the internet!
Which brings me to Rhys Jambi, who would have been lost in the dark recesses of my character archives if it wasn’t for me joining the WSS group and being influenced by piracy. Not much is known about Mr. Jambi except via a crappy drawing I did of him in 2006, a time when the men looked like sticks, the women looked like men, and neither of them had a lot of extraordinary details. Rhys didn’t have a story to be a part of, which is probably why he’s only known through that crappy drawing. From what anybody could gather, he had tall spiky hair, baggy pants, sandals, and a giant sword with a crescent hook at the end of it instead of a point, much like the one owned by Tidus from Final Fantasy X.
So now that Mr. Jambi is known only through the drawing, it’s time to give him a personality of some kind. The pirate is not an official Dungeons & Dragons class (at least according to 3.5 edition standards), but if it were, the characters who portrayed it could be any alignment it want as long as it was non-lawful. As it turns out, hostile takeovers of other people’s ships don’t constitute the behavior of people who obey the law. Isn’t that right, Captain Phillips? Okay, that was in poor taste, but you get the point, right?
Despite freely breaking the social contract, pirates can still be either good, evil, or neutral. Once a decision is made in that regard, there still needs to be a decision made whether Rhys Jambi will be chaotic or neutral. Since I only have a small space to make those decisions, I elect that he be a mixture of all those non-lawful alignments. He can rape and pillage one minute and save a kitten from a tree the next. If I’m going to have him undertake an ambiguous alignment like that, it means he can’t do something so horrible he crosses the Moral Event Horizon. Otherwise, Mr. Jambi won’t be believable. I could make him believable if I gave him Multiple Personality Disorder, but I feel like that would be exploiting people with mental illnesses.
Aside from what I’ve already said in this post, Rhys Jambi is a clean slate. I’m sure he’ll adapt comfortably to whatever role I assign him. What could possibly go wrong? It’s like hiring a guy with no job history but a reputable education. Yes, it’s true he’s never had a job before, but he’s young and a go-getter. Shouldn’t that be enough? It sounds like I’m trying to sell this talking point to a future employer, but that ship sailed when I terminated my contract with the Department of Vocational Rehab years ago. Wait a minute, did I just make a ship analogy in a blog post about a pirate? I swear that was an accident. However, if he’s going to be a chaotic pirate, he needs a ship.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Careful where you shoot, because you might hit what you aim for.”
-Linkin Park singing “Keys to the Kingdom”-
Diablo II: Lord of Destruction wasn’t just a videogame for me back in the early 2000’s; it was an influence. It was a digital drug. I killed the brothers of evil over and over again as time passed into the 2010’s. I used a variety of characters to do it, but my favorites were the barbarian and the paladin since they were both badass brawlers. Then again, any character class from that game can be a badass brawler if the right skills were chosen.
Which brings me to the druid class. Druids, like any other character, had a skill set sorted out into three categories. The ones particular to him were elemental magic spells, shape-shifting spells, and summoning spells. If you’re playing Diablo II and you want to turn your druid into a brawler, put your skill points into the shape-shifting category, particularly were-bear transformation and maul. How the hell are Diablo’s minions supposed to compete with a big ass bear who only gets stronger and hungrier with every blow?
The answer to that question is easier than you think, unfortunately. When druids transform into were-bears, their attack speed is significantly slower. Even when they’re armed with weapons with a very fast attack speed, the strikes still come slowly and awkwardly.
Now imagine if the druid was armed with something heavy like a great maul, which has a very slow attack speed. If he transformed into a bear, his new attack speed would be so slow his victims would look like Matrix characters with how easily they dodge the strikes. Now imagine if your ursine druid was frozen, which slows down running and attack speed. Duriel, the boss enemy for act two, has a freezing aura around him at all times. Do the math and you’ll see right away that tortoises don’t always beat hares.
This was the story for a druid I played with named Marcus Edge. If that name seems familiar to you, you were probably logged onto Deviant Art and reading a story called The Meaning of Laugh, which was about a raunchy comedian of the same name who has a heart attack on stage. That story won’t be published in any short story anthologies anytime soon due to the crappy writing style I employed in 2012.
The Diablo II version of Marcus Edge was a lethal warrior. His slowness, however, made it impossible to defeat Duriel and I ultimately deleted him from my archives. But this doesn’t mean his career in a creative field is over. Druids in general are fascinating to me. As an animal lover, I should know this, because druids specialize in summoning and transforming into these furry creatures. If I ever write another dark fantasy story and need a druid, I would gladly use Marcus Edge as my main character. Perhaps he can get notoriety in more ways than his name being used for a crappy comedian character.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“When I was playing Final Fantasy videogames as a child, I’d always wondered what the hell a ‘phoenix down’ was. I knew what it did, but I didn’t know why it was called that. Turns out this whole time I’ve been sprinkling bird feathers on my unconscious warriors. Smelling salts would be more practical, but they probably wouldn’t conform to the magical element of Final Fantasy games.”
-Me-
TITLE: WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and brief language
GRADE: Pass
A Hell in a Cell match is more than a typical steel cage fight. In this case, the cage surrounds the entire ring and exposes the concrete floor. You can’t win the match by escape because there is no escape. It’s just you and your opponent inside a wire mesh cage with no rules or regulations to hold you back. As heel commentator JBL so appropriately puts it, the only limit to your attack is your imagination. Dean Ambrose has a wild imagination in case you couldn’t tell from his erratic behavior. Seth Rollins can be just as sadistic and crazy. The first Hell in a Cell match between John Cena and Randy Orton was…acceptable. But this main event match between Ambrose and Rollins was going to steal the show.
Normally a match of this caliber would start in the ring and the bell would sound off three times to start the battle. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that. Carrying a kendo stick like a samurai sword with him, he wanted to start on TOP of the cell. Seth Rollins along with his two stooges Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble were (kind of) happy to humor him. Mercury and Noble got kendo stick welts for their troubles and Rollins and Ambrose fell off the cage and crashed through the English and Spanish-speaking announce tables.
It could have been over before it started. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that ending. He got off of his stretcher and chased Seth Rollins down before throwing him in the cell to officially start the match. Once the bell rung three times, these two warriors brutalized each other. They used chairs, sticks, steel stairs, and wooden tables, all in an effort to achieve victory. Corporate Kane was outside the cell and interfered by blasting Ambrose in the face with a fire extinguisher. That didn’t cool off the fire in the Lunatic Fringe’s belly. He wasn’t just pissed off at Seth Rollins; he had a bloodlust for him. He wanted to torture and twist him in the most painful ways possible.
Dean Ambrose was so close to exacting his revenge when he put an unconscious Seth Rollins’ head on top of cinder blocks to set up for Rollins’ own finisher move, the curb stomp. And then the arena went black and strange tongues were being spoken with a lantern and a ghost in the center of the ring. The speaker of that tongues was none other than the hypnotic and frightening Bray Wyatt, who downed Dean Ambrose with a spinning face buster and allowed Seth Rollins to cover Ambrose for the 1-2-3 pin. The match is over, but the emotional scars bleed like waterfalls and the physical pains burn like hellfire.
And now for the actual critique. To put it shortly, this match was as violent and psychotic as anybody could ask for. The blood was minimal, but the pain was at its maximum with the creative use of weaponry and the multi-story fall from the start of the match. This wasn’t just a wrestling match; this was a fight for survival. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins beat each other so badly after that fall it was amazing they didn’t have a hearse parked outside the arena. You’re damn right they were sore and bruised.
Believe it or not, the finish to the match where Bray Wyatt interfered didn’t bother me in the least bit. Yes, I wanted to see Dean Ambrose curb stomp Seth Rollins’ head into powder and slush. But then again, Bray Wyatt had been off of WWE television for a long time and needed a grand reintroduction. And now that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is in the books, we’re looking at a rivalry between Ambrose and Wyatt.
You know what that means? It means two crazies, two psychopaths are going to tear each other apart at some point. Dean Ambrose is like The Joker and Bray Wyatt is like Charles Manson. The two wrestlers have the mindset of serial killers and if they have to bleed each other out to get to the climax of their battle, well, let me put it his way: Seth Rollins is the luckiest guy on the planet. If these two loony tunes play enough mind games with each other for long enough, one of those minds will be running down a sewer drain while the other is bleeding with psychological trauma.
What you have to remember when watching WWE is everything happens for a reason. All you have to do as a fan is wait patiently for your favorites to triumph. It’s not an instant situation. It takes time for a climax to launch. Lots of time.
When Daniel Bryan was screwed out of the WWE Title at Summer Slam 2013, it took him until Wrestlemania XXX, which is an April 2014 pay-per-view to regain it. The point of this analogy is if you’re a fan and you want to see Seth Rollins get brutalized over and over again, but eventually for a final time, wait patiently. WWE waited patiently for Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins to climax and it paid off in the most violent way possible, which is why this match in particular gets a passing grade.
If you’re seeing this character’s name and you have no idea how to pronounce it, here’s a little something to help you out: “uh-THOPT-low-riss”. Now that you know how to say the man’s name, it’s time to tell you a little about him. Usually when somebody has such a mystical singular name, it always means trouble. That trouble comes in the form of a dark lord who wants to turn the entire world into one nation under his rule.
If he should ever come into power, he could make your life a living hell. Getting your documents checked and your blood alcohol level tested are the least of your problems under an Athoptlorys dictatorship. Getting shoved into death camps and harvested for energy? That sounds like something from The Matrix, but when it comes to sadistic villainy and blood-stained worlds, nobody has a monopoly on that.
In order to create such a dystopian nation, you have to consider what kind of world Athoptlorys is trying to rule. Judging from the main villain’s devilish name, it sounds like he’s trying to control a dark fantasy world. But why stop there? Why not dominate the sci-fi genre as well? The earth is divided not by nations, but by time periods. There are separate nations for the dark ages, the prehistoric era, the steam punk revolution, and there’s even one nation dedicated to the space opera genre despite not being in space. This world is a lot like Chrono Trigger, but it’s all jam packed into one world we all must share.
How exactly do you do that? How do you share a world with dinosaurs, barbarians, alien warriors, Egyptian mummies, Chinese dictators, and Japanese warlords when all of these people and more want to kill the main character? And how do you cram all of these time zones and cultures into one prose? It would either have to be a series of novels or one novel the size of Webster’s Dictionary. If Athoptlorys is to create one nation under his thumb, he’s got a shit ton of work to do. He’d better be really powerful or at least have a lot of powerful minions. You think a T-Rex is going to surrender peacefully to someone who wants to use his carcass for food and energy? Bullshit, man!
If this nameless novel actually came to fruition, one of two things would have to happen. Either Athoptlorys would become the almighty god of this earth or the various cultures across time would consume each other in a scorched world apocalypse. If you thought our current world nations don’t get along with their Muslim vs. Christian gimmick, try pitting an army of crusaders against a multi-story tall blob monster whom they perceive to be the devil in another form. These time periods include early stages of racial, religious, and sexual prejudice. A black lesbian nun might fare well in one part of the world, but not in another.
That also begs the question of who would be the biggest threat to the main hero: Athoptlorys or this hodgepodge of time zones? Yes, dark lords are always sadistic and powerful, but this is a thunder dome of hatred we’re talking about here. If an ordinary person can survive both the forces of Athoptlorys’ government and the forces of prejudice, then he’s not only a hero in my book, he’s a god. He could start his own religion and lead the people of earth to a peaceful future where cultures get along and nobody has to worry about whether they’re going to survive another day in hell. The main hero would definitely have a push to the top of the literary charts, but when approaching this novel, it’s important not to shoot myself in the foot and make things TOO impossible.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“When did we become these sinking stones? When did we build this broken home? Holding each other like ransom notes. Dropping our hearts to grip our brother’s throat.”
-Nothing More singing “This Is the Time (Ballast)”-
MOVIE TITLE: Clerks
GENRE: Independent Comedy
RATING: R for graphic language and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Convenience store clerk Dante Hicks is called into work on his day off and has to deal with a barrage of moronic customers from anti-smoking zealots to tabloid freaks to egg sorters to even two drug dealers named Jay and Silent Bob. To pass the time, Dante has philosophical pop culture conversations with his best friend Randal Graves, who works at the video store across the street. Dante’s love life is on the line as well as he contemplates keeping his loyal girlfriend Veronica or shacking up with his high school sweetheart Caitlin. All of the nasty things that happen to Dante reiterate his catchphrase “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” again and again.
Because it’s an R-rated movie, Clerks relies heavily upon crude sexual humor, the most prominent examples being the significance of the number 37 (don’t ask), Randal ordering porn movies in front of young customers, and Dante and Randal having a conversation about nudie booth janitors in front of an easily offended customer.
There’s also humor in the antics of the stupid customers who torment Dante and Randal on a frequent basis, the opening example being a Chewley’s Gum salesmen who riles up a crowd of smokers to sell more gum. Others include the “milk maids” (women who look for jugs of milk with the latest expiration date), a girl who asks for an item’s price even though the sign is right behind her, and a perverted old man who takes a porn magazine into the bathroom and dies on the toilet.
If the humor doesn’t get you laughing until your ribs hurt, it should at least make you crack a smile. As funny as this movie is, it also has a serious side to it near the end. The lesson learned from Dante’s love triangle is to choose the girl who loves him the most. It should be obvious to him, but strong crushes and even stronger memories make choosing hard.
The other lesson this film teaches is to take responsibility for your own actions. Dante was offered chances to go to college with Veronica, but instead he stuck around at the convenience store and he has to pay for that with his misery. He also gets in a fight with Randal near the end because he believed everything that went wrong that day was Randal’s fault. In short, if you’re in your 20’s, act like it. You’re not in high school anymore; you’re a man. Reckless zeal will cost you valuable opportunities.
Is it any coincidence Clerks was the breakout film for now famous director Kevin Smith? Is it also any coincidence this movie was a multiple-time award winner? How about the fact this movie earned cult classic status? If your skin is thick enough to withstand the sexual humor, give Clerks a try. I first saw this movie in 1998 when I was 13 years old. I didn’t understand a lot of the humor at first, but looking back now, there’s a reason Clerks was a staple of my youth: because it’s that damn good.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but with the addition of Tina, this marks the third character I’ve blogged about with the last name Bryan, the first two being Mario (schizophrenic college student) and Wade (D&D fighter). I swear I’m not doing that on purpose. In other words, Tina, Mario, and Wade are not related in any way. They’re not even from the same genre. But if you fan fiction junkies want to make something out of this, then I won’t try to stop you. In fact, I’ll applaud your creative minds with a standing ovation.
When I was writing a story called Hardcore Hell (formerly known as Hardcore Hate), Tina was nothing like Wade or Mario. In fact, she was what TV Tropes would refer to as Mrs. Fan Service. She was created to cater to the male crowd in a lot of ways. She was a sexy blond, she wore tight clothing, she was the lead guitarist of an all-girl metal band, and she was bisexual. The first moment in Hardcore Hell that should have made putters stand up was when Tina was flirting with the ultra-conservative paladin Gayle Rinehart and even kissed her on the lips. Despite her religious beliefs, Gayle put up very little resistance against the lesbian kiss. That’s fan service right there. And we all know by now I will do anything for my most loyal fans.
Tina Bryan was more than a sex object, though. Were you so blinded by her sexiness that you forgot she knew how to play the electric guitar? She was so talented she drew comparisons to Dimebag Darrell from Pantera and Max Cavalera from Soulfly. That kind of heavy metal talent doesn’t go unrecognized for long. She eventually joined an all-girl metal band called The Angry Amazons. The group’s gimmick was that they spread a politically liberal and radically feminist message in a mostly religious town called Leakee. They played one of their heaviest shows to a crowd of thousands and afterwards they were ambushed by Paladine’s Watchdogs before being crucified for the whole town to see. The members of the Angry Amazons died a slow and painful death.
The scene between Gayle and the Angry Amazons took place in heaven, where the deity of Gayle’s religion, Paladine, told her she was wrong in using her zeal to punish and persecute liberals. The lead singer of the Angry Amazons, Lara Spider, was even harsher than the loving god Gayle “worshipped” so much. Lara flat out told her she was disgusting and deserved to burn in hell for her sins. Tina took an entirely different approach to confronting a zealous member of Paladine’s order. The lesbian kiss and the flirting wasn’t just for fan service. It was a form of diplomacy. It was Tina’s way of letting Gayle know she was forgiven now that she learned her lessons. It was a smoking hot way of doing it, but it was convincing nonetheless.
The question becomes, now that Hardcore Hell has been exorcised from my library due to its irreparably bad writing, what do I do with the Angry Amazons? Will they get back together for another gig? But since this blog entry deals with one member specifically, what’s going to happen to Tina Bryan? Should she be discarded due to her being a “stereotype”? Should she be dismissed due to her being Mrs. Fan Service? To those of you who answered yes, I want to let you in on a little secret: fan service isn’t offensive. That’s why they call it fan service: because it’s service. Isn’t that right, Princess Leia? How about you, Crazy K? What’s the latest from Susanna from The Way Way Back? Not a goddamn thing, because Princess Leia, Crazy K, and Susanna don’t give a shit, that’s why. Tina Bryan shouldn’t give a shit either. She’s a badass heavy metal goddess and if she sees the light of day again, it’s going to happen despite criticism.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’ll throw the first punch, ‘cause I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Enough’s enough. And you say I’m wrong, but it feels right. And it’s about damn time. It’s been too long. Enough’s enough. Right between the eyes!”
-Nothing More singing “First Punch”-
