Know Your Audience

I write because I look forward to a better day

You write laws where the teachers can’t say gay

You write for wifebeaters who have exes to pay

Conspiracy theorists who are scared of space rays

Femcels who still love Harry Potter

Twitter capitalists who disown their trans daughters

Russian spies who put ricin in your water

Big city cops arrested for manslaughter

Neckbeards who think wrestling is real

IDF soldiers who’ve got tender little feels

Girlbosses in five-thousand-dollar heels

Big mother truckers with five-thousand fucking wheels

Divorced dads who still listen to Disturbed

Libertarians who swear they’re not addicted to herbs

Movie stars who’ve been outed as pervs

Israeli politicians with some sensitive nerves

You and I, we’re not the same thing

Fight for different causes, fight for different wings

You can shoot your Bud Light with an AK-47

But when all is said and done, you’ll never go to heaven

Spend your whole life cowering from the devil

Only to realize you’re on a mediocre level

Drop the bravado, ‘cause it doesn’t mean shit

We’re already in hell, climate change burned all of it

Yearly Muses

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: Garrison’s got a crush! Garrison’s got a crush!

JAMES: On who?

REINA: I’m not at liberty to say.

JAMES: You can tell me, Reina. You’re an American. It’s in the constitution. It’s your right.

GARRISON: No, it isn’t! That’s extortion!

JAMES: Well, whoever it is you have a crush on, you probably shouldn’t tell them that you like “Sickened” by Disturbed.

GARRISON: Those two things have nothing to do with each other!

JAMES: Uh-huh, sure! You don’t relate to that song, Garrison. It’s just your emo, angsty white boy music. Disturbed has nothing to do with barbarians and wizards.

GARRISON: That’s not all I think about!

JAMES: Fake news!

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

***YEARLY MUSES***

I don’t normally open my blog entries with the quote/dialogue of the day, but in order for the context to make sense, I had to do that. This blog is about muses, or lovey-dovey goddesses who inspire creativity. I was hesitant at first to do this blog because I didn’t want to appear like a thirsty fuck-boy. But during that above conversation I had with James and Reina, I learned not to be embarrassed by my own emotions. James and Reina weren’t making fun of me for having a crush. They were proud of the fact that I could feel those emotions to begin with. Or as I would say, “It’s a natural function!” Hell, if you don’t believe me, listen to Mister Rogers talk about how natural loving emotions are. Are you going to doubt Mister Rogers? No? I didn’t fucking think so. But yes, it’s true, every year there’s a new muse in my life. I don’t know why it’s a yearly thing, but as long as I’m being inspired to be a better person creatively and emotionally, I won’t question it. I’ve lived a long time, so I won’t go through every single year. I’ll settle for a top five instead. Starting with…

***2018: SARAH-JANE REDMOND***

Many of my readers have heard me talk about her before and how her performance as Lucy Butler in an episode of Millennium called “A Room with No View” has shook me to my core. I talk about Ms. Redmond a lot because if it wasn’t for that performance, Beautiful Monster wouldn’t be possible. Thank you for that haunting character! It’s true, though: Shelly Atwood (my villain) and Lucy Butler (Millennium) have a lot in common. They’re femme fatales who lead men into darkness. They use sex as a weapon and leave psychological ghosts for their victims. If you’re wondering why I like “Sickened” by Disturbed so much, it’s because I can picture Shelly and Lucy’s victims listening to it on repeat after being free from their clutches. “That’s enough of all your taunting. Seems I can’t remove you from my mind. Don’t you know sometimes I wish they’d kill me for wanting you?” Goddamn, that’s some powerful shit! I’d take twenty-four hours of that over “Love Is Blue” by Paul Mauriat any day of the week, though the latter is a good song too. Thank you for the creative fuel, Ms. Redmond! Now Beautiful Monster is about to be sliced and diced by the iron chefs at Hollow Hills Books. I’m both excited and terrified at the thought of receiving those future critiques! Maybe I should ask Lucy Butler for a comforting hug. Oh dear god…

***2013: RONDA ROUSEY***

Ever since she became a then-undefeated UFC Bantamweight Champion, Ronda Rousey set the motherfucking world on fire. Ass-beating after ass-beating sent her opponents packing for higher grounds. Since I wrote a lot of action-packed stories during this time, the ultra-tough warrior chick Ronda had to be my muse. To this day, I don’t know if she was a direct inspiration for Occupy Wrestling, but I wouldn’t doubt it if someone said it to me. Oh, and she also inspired some angsty/lovey-dovey poetry that would eventually be published in my first collection entitled Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. I won’t say which poems, but trust me, my muse was there. Beautiful, athletic, tough, and golden-hearted, Ronda was everything a man could ever want. That’s why I rejoiced when her memoir came out in 2015. The Wrestling Observer Newsletter ended up awarding Best Book of the Year to Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” (which I’m equally happy for), but if I was voting, I would have given the nod to “My Fight/Your Fight” by virtue of the graphic descriptions of violence that “YES!” didn’t have. Today in 2018, she’s in the WWE and her next match will be against Alexa Bliss at Summer Slam for Bliss’s Raw Women’s Championship. And by the way, Raw is the name of the brand she’s on. I’m not saying you have to be a raw woman in order to win it. Hehe!

***2006-2009: TARJA TURUNEN AND ANETTE OLZON***

In 2005, operatic singer Tarja Turunen was fired from Nightwish for not getting along with her band mates. She was subsequently replaced by rock singer Anette Olzon. Fans online have been going at each other’s throats over who is the better vocalist, but I tried to encourage the rabid wolves to be happy with both and to not take sides. They’re both beautiful songstresses who put love and passion into their vocal work. They both elevated Nightwish to the popularity it has today. And they both inspired lovey-dovey essays and poems for me during my college days. To be honest, there was nothing fun or exciting about college since I was constantly away from my family and very few people wanted to be my friend. I filled the void by having romantic visions of both Tarja and Anette, but I would never sully them with crass sexual fantasies. Granted, the poems and essays I wrote sucked ass, but at the time my ego was so massive that I didn’t want to admit it. Today in 2018, Tarja is enjoying a lucrative solo career while Anette is now part of a band called The Dark Element. They both still make beautiful music and they’re still beautiful muses that anybody can draw inspiration from.

***2004-2005: MOTOKO KUSANAGI***

Just like with Ronda Rousey after her, my affinity for tough and brutal women was present with the main female character from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. I still to this day have no idea why I enjoy the presence of tough chicks, but back then, Motoko inspired a piece of fan fiction called “The Heart of the Sun”. Because I was young and immature with regard to how writing works, this fan fic was a self-insert job. Yep. I was the lead character and with the help of Unreal Championship villains, I had a love/hate feud with Motoko. Like the Tarja/Anette poetry afterwards, this fan fic story sucked major ass. But again, my ego wouldn’t allow me to see the error of my ways, mainly because I had someone on Deviant Art comment on how funny it was. Then again, if a bunch of angry nerds told me it was dog shit, I would have packed my bags and left DA in a heartbeat. The first step to being sort of good is to suck major ass. Just because someone sucks at what they do, doesn’t mean the whole world agrees with that opinion. Trust me, I know. So thank you, my lovely Motoko, for giving me the creative fuel necessary to keep my young career going full speed ahead. May you continue to kick ass and take names with the boys at Section 9, all of whom I’m jealous of. Hehe!

***CONCLUSION***

Just to clarify, when I said top five, I didn’t mean five entries, I meant five muses. Two women took up one entry, so my top five is officially complete. All I have to say now is, I can’t wait to see who my muse is going to be in 2019! I have a half year to pine over someone new, so let’s see who it is already! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

Rescuing Animals

***RESCUING ANIMALS***

As a creative writer, artist, and photographer, I see artistic merit in a lot of things. Rescuing animals and giving them loving homes isn’t just the right thing to do, but it’s one of those things I see creative input in. In this case, your canvas is a homeless animal with a rough past who needs someone to love. Love is your paintbrush and everything else is color. The name that you give the animal, the way you play with it, the times you snuggle together, these are all ways in which you add to your beautiful picture. We like seeing animals rolling on their backs, playing happily, and purring like motors, thus we have a picture we love.

That’s why I decided to start donating money to the ASPCA once again. The work they do for homeless and abused animals is phenomenal. Same thing goes for places like The Humane Society and Animal Rescue Friends. With their critter canvases, they’re expressing love and friendship to the world around them. Give a big round of applause for these awesome people.

Back in December, Mom and I kept accessing the Kitsap Humane Society’s website to check on the adoption status of a Pitbull-Terrier mix named Dad. We visited the shelter earlier and saw that he needed a home. He had been living at the shelter for months after being surrendered by a homeless woman who couldn’t afford to take care of him anymore. Every day the volunteers at the KHS took Dad for walks, rides, and cups of Puppicciono (whipped cream from Starbucks for the puppies to lick).

They did everything they could to keep him happy, but he needed a home for the holidays. Mom and I would have loved to take him, but his profile said that he didn’t get along with small children or other animals. He had to be the only one. With such strict standards, Dad was naturally hard to adopt. And then a few days after Christmas, Dad was adopted by an ex-soldier who probably needed a dog to ease the symptoms of his PTSD. The soldier even posted pictures of Dad playing around in his new yard and generally being a big ol’ happy pup.

Even if you can’t afford to adopt an animal, there are still ways in which you can make these beautiful creatures happy until the day they do find a home. Donating money is the most common way, but you can also donate things like blankets, stuffed animals, leashes, and doggy beds. You think a big ol’ puppy-duppy would love rolling around in a fuzzy blanket while cuddling with a brown teddy bear? You bet he would!

In addition to donating money every month to the ASPCA, I also plan on donating my stuffed animal collection to the Kitsap Humane Society. Don’t get me wrong, I love cute toys, but cuddling with a stuffed Michigan Frog doesn’t compare to snuggling with the real thing, by that I mean my elderly brown kitty Smokey. Before the stuffed toys get donated, though, they have to be vacuumed off because of all the dust they’ve accumulated. We can’t have puppy-duppies chewing on dust.

Remember that gum commercial that says, “Give extra, get extra”? It applies to a lot of aspects in life, including giving extra love to an animal in need. When you give a dog or a cat a loving home (even if it’s not your own), the joy you receive is worth so much more than any paycheck. For all of you fellow “Secret” readers out there, you’ll attract positive things to your direction and life will be happy for as long as you keep that love in your heart. Whether or not you want to use the universe analogy, it is true that being a positive and loving person will yield those same results to you.

I’d like to close this off with a thank you to all of the organizations and pet owners out there who make animals’ lives a living heaven. By giving them love, you are artists in your own way by painting their canvases with happy colors. I know I sound like Bob Ross when I say that, but it’s no less true. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to give some pettings to my Smokey-Pokey, who’s resting comfortably on my pillow. Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 12***

With the story past the halfway mark, Daniel and his friends find themselves sitting in a holding cell wondering what the hell went wrong. Inciting terrorism? Shouldn’t the cops try to track down Roger Zee, the real terrorist asshole? But surely you guys didn’t forget about what happened to Shawn Henry that fateful night in the police station. Roger’s locus of control goes much deeper than one family man detective. He’s got the entire system by the balls and he’s going to flex that muscle with Daniel and his friends.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Speaking of Demon Axe, the next character on the DFW chopping block is King Arthur Triscloud, ruler of the elven race. Human takeover or not, all he wants is a peaceful society, but he can’t have that as long as Roger Zee is running roughshod over both the elven and human worlds. For the actual picture, I was thinking something along the lines of a modified Gandalf with a crown.

***MOVIE REVIEWS***

It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review, so how about we do two of them, both Disney classics? In this case, we’ve got “Ben and Me” and “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh”, both of which feature the unmistakable voice of Sterling Holloway as Amos Mouse and Pooh Bear respectively. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give them passing or extra credit grades. They were after all a huge part of my childhood. Huge!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

Wednesday is always the day that starts off the new contests. In this case, we’ve got one with a “Thriller” prompt. Whoever came up with that one was probably listening to Michael Jackson’s music at the time. That’s perfect, because I’ve got the ideal story for that prompt. It’s called “Staple Gun Gangster” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Marco Said, Staple Gun Gangster
2. Kip Kyle, The Boogeyman

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Marco makes a joke about how The Boogeyman looks like he came from Michael Jackson’s music video for “Thriller”, which makes Kip’s penchant for children even creepier.

SYNOPSIS: Marco earned a scary reputation on the streets by using a staple gun as his weapon of torture for those who are late on their loan shark payments. A serial killer masquerading as a swamp monster named Kip Kyle a.k.a. the Boogeyman approaches Marco because he wants money for underage prostitutes. Marco decides that this “swamp creature” is too sick even for his tastes and shoots a few staples into him. When the staples arouse Kip instead of hurt him, Marco anxiously questions whether the Boogeyman moniker is just a gimmick or if he really is a horror movie monster.

FUN FACT: Marco Said is loosely based on former ECW wrestler New Jack, a psychotic gangster who used a staple gun to win hardcore wrestling matches.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Tell me now, who taught you how to hate? ‘Cause it isn’t in your blood. Not a part of what you’re made. So let this be understood: somebody taught you how to hate. When you live this way, you become dead to everyone.”

-Disturbed singing “Who Taught You How to Hate?”-

Open Bar Superstar

VERSE 1

Drink that beer like you’re dying of thirst

Let the poison set in then do your worst

Ranting and raving is what you’re craving

Putting up with you is considered slaving

You belong in the back of a police car

And nowhere near the cacophonic bar

Come back when you gain some IQ points

Realize the annoyance of your own noise

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 2

You don’t have to be a nuclear scientist

Just have to sit down and be silent, bitch

You act foolish as you feel the drugs

I wish I had a gun with a chamber full of slugs

Use your fucking head before it explodes

Your body is dumped on the side of the road

It’s only fantasy, but it’s a damn good one

Killing your ass would be so much fun

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 3

Don’t you dare get behind the wheel

Or a kick in the nuts is what you’ll feel

You’ve done enough damage for one day

To our ears and brains and it’s not okay

You stole the music from underneath us

The band drove away in their big tour bus

I guess being an idiot is punishment enough

For guys like you with your beer belly stuffed

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

BRIDGE

You’re an alcoholic, far from anonymous

Far from Einstein, far from an economist

Far from the fan that you claim to be

If you’re stealing music from guys like me

Disturbed X Breaking Benjamin Concert

***DISTURBED X BREAKING BENJAMIN CONCERT***

I’ve been to a lot of concerts this year. It all started with Nightwish back in March and it continued with Rob Zombie X Korn in July and Slipknot X Marilyn Manson in early August. This coming Sunday, I’m going back to the frontlines with Disturbed and Breaking Benjamin as the main acts. They’re going to be part of a much larger festival called Pain in the Grass, a concert which starts at 1:00 in the afternoon and is supported by Alter Bridge, Saint Asonia, Anthrax, Pop Evil, Stitched Up Heart, and Windowpane. Holy shit, that’s a lot of heavy metal!

My therapist Rachel and her husband Michael have tickets to this show, so they’re going to be the ones who drive me to and from Auburn. Maybe this badass heavy metal show could be a form of psychological therapy for me and Rachel is writing the prescription. I’ve always said that music is my drug of choice. It’s the soundtrack to my screwed up mind and a generator of creative fuel for as long as I continue to write deliciously violent stories, which means forever.

Just like any other concert or vacation, I’m going to need some downtime afterwards to recharge my batteries. Introverts love downtime. They get cranky whenever they don’t get it. But seeing as how this concert is on a Sunday, there’s going to be more work to be done as far as moving furniture and ripping up carpets goes. This time, we’re spending the weekend on Reina’s room. Not to worry, because Reina’s room is a microcosm compared to downstairs. I may not be Brock Lesnar, but I’ll take her furniture to Suplex City anyways. Hehe!

What does this mean for my creative life? It may be interrupted due to tiredness, but that’s nothing new for me and I always recover in time to make a difference. I still have Andy Peloquin’s “Lament of the Fallen” novel to read and review. I still have Marie Krepps’ “Never Again” story to beta-read and give smart-assed critiques to. As far as the WSS goes…well….

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

I know you all were expecting a short story called “Hardcore Hogan”, an action packed piece of science-fiction where a Hulk Hogan parody beats the shit out of aliens and earns his freedom from being probed and prodded. However, the week of that contest was exhausting on so many levels, whether it was public life, sleep apnea problems, or doing piss-soaked chores. Aside from that, there were too many plot holes in my story for it to be taken seriously. I repeat: WAY too many plot holes. I pride myself on getting my first drafts right the first time, because that way I won’t have a shit load of work to do when the time comes to edit them. Never fear, loyal readers, because even though “Hardcore Hogan” may never get off the ground, “Fairytale” did and it’s a much superior story despite its lack of delicious violence. Well, there’s verbal violence, but that’s not the same thing.

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Now that multiple women have claimed Bill Cosby raped them, black teenagers are telling Cosby, ‘Pull YOUR pants up.’”

-Bill Maher-

Real Life Projects

***REAL LIFE PROJECTS***

“Real life can get in the way of even the most brilliant creative projects.” I say this all the time to people online who need to take a sabbatical from the internet. Now it applies to me. Things are changing in the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household and as the family strongman I need to take part in those changes. I woke up at seven in the morning today to help my mom and Dale put together the yard sale. I went back to bed after my work was done and didn’t wake up until two in the afternoon. I also helped my parents put the yard sale stuff away and donate some of it to a local thrift store. There will be other loads of junk we donate on different days. For now, this will do. I felt so exhausted after today’s work that I don’t feel like doing anything creative at the moment.

As many of you know, I don’t handle exhaustion well. If I’m too tired, I won’t do anything creative for fear that my product will suck or that I’ll fall asleep in the middle of it. I owe a lot of this to the fact that I’m overweight. It’s easy to tell me that all I need to do is eat less and go to the gym more often. If things were that simple, I would have been a middleweight a long time ago. Fast food is addictive and car rides to the gym are not always available. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses and allowing my barriers to get the best of me, but if that’s the case, what would you rather I do: walk all the way from Port Orchard to Gig Harbor to the YMCA and then walk all the way back? It’d be a hell of a workout, but one that I would dread until that day I die.

The CPAP machine I was assigned to use by my doctor has been hit-and-miss when it comes to helping me get my energy back. Some nights I can wear the oxygen mask comfortably and wake up the next day ready to tackle anything and everything. Other nights the mask is either tight enough to leave red marks on my face or loose enough to blow oxygen into my eyes and cheeks. On those other nights, I don’t get a good night’s sleep and the whole idea of getting in bed is meaningless. I plan on emailing or calling my CPAP providers on Monday when they’re available to see if they can help me through this dilemma. I’m confident that they can. The lady who showed me how to use and clean the machine (Leah French) was friendly and supportive during the entire demonstration. She even gently told me to “Simmer down” when I was swearing at my failed attempts to unhinge the mask from its straps. Hehe!

The exhaustion isn’t going to end with today’s yard sale and thrift shop donations. For the next few months, real life will be calling my name and I’ll be there to answer that call. There are a few things going on in August that need my attention. My parents want to replace their carpeted flooring with vinyl since it’s easier to clean, so in order for that to happen, I have to help them move their living room furniture out of the way. As someone with autism, I’m more sensitive to pain and stress than everyone else, so doing all of that heavy lifting is going to take its toll. Despite this, if we’re going to keep having pets, this floor replacement needs to be done. My parents are Baby Boomers and can’t do as much as they used to in their younger years.

Dale especially can’t do much to help us with furniture shifting because he’s going to have a second surgery on his kidney in early August. Heavy lifting afterwards might rip his stitches and put him back in the hospital. Plus, he’s going to feel exhausted himself and won’t feel like doing his normal chores around the house. He’s been an awesome stepfather to me in the eleven years he’s lived with us, so it’s only right that I take over for him when he’s at his weakest. He can enjoy basketball and crime dramas in the easy chair until he recovers from his surgery.

On a more exciting, yet still exhausting note, I have two concerts that I plan on attending in August and one that I plan on attending in November. On August 11^th, Slipknot and Marilyn Manson will play at the White River Amphitheater with Of Mice and Men as their opening act. Hopefully, Corey Taylor can stay healthy while he’s entertaining all of us maggots. On August 21^st, the Pain in the Grass festival returns to that same venue and will be headlined by Disturbed. Other bands include, but are not limited to Breaking Benjamin, Alter Bridge, Saint Asonia, and Anthrax. And then in November I’m headed to the Tacoma Dome to see Five Finger Death Punch and Shinedown with Sixx AM and As Lions as their opening acts. How can something so tiring feel so good at the same time? Because I’m a diehard metal head, that’s why!

In addition to one-day vacations a.k.a. rock concerts, I’m also going to go on a week-long vacation to Hawaii on October 3^rd. I’ve only been to Hawaii one other time in my life and it was in the fall of 2010. The weather was beautiful, the beaches were beautiful, and the brown women were even more beautiful. Hey, it’s not racist if I actually like their race. You can thank Jerry Seinfeld for that joke. Going to Hawaii will be all about rest and relaxation. We’ll probably do one major activity during each day and spend the rest of the time hanging around. Low-key vacations are the best, especially for hardcore introverts like me.

Before Dale, Mom, Aunt Ruth and I all go to Hawaii, Mom and Dale are taking a six-day vacation in September to Utah to see all of their national parks. I’m choosing to stay home and babysit the animals while they’re away since national parks aren’t my cup of tea. It’s a bunch of trees and rocks: so what? I even wrote a short story for American Darkness about this called “Trees, Rocks, and Murder” (it used to be called “Forest Dump” before Marie and I agreed that it wasn’t the best choice for a title). The trees and rocks part of the title apply to the national park vacation, but not murder, thank goodness.

Going back to August for a moment, my therapist Rachel is having a barbecue at her house on August 13^th, which is exactly two days after the Slipknot X Marilyn Manson concert and eight days before the Disturbed concert, the latter of which Rachel and her husband will go to if it’s not raining that day (it’s an outdoor venue). She and I have lots in common when it comes to our love for badass heavy metal. She’s also been very helpful to me since 2003 when I first confessed to my family that I was hearing voices and feeling suicidal. Managing my schizophrenic attacks is much easier thanks to her, so seeing her at the barbecue will be lots of fun. Besides which, I never turn down an opportunity to eat a good barbecued meal.

I hope I didn’t leave any important details out when it comes to mapping out the next few months for me. There’s going to be a lot of work to be done and a lot of fun to be had. It’s the same kind of duality in life Gemini Syndrome preaches in their music. Speaking of which, I hope Gemini Syndrome will be at the Pain in the Grass festival, because that would be fucking awesome! Getting back on topic for a minute, having this many things to do may be so tiring that I will have to take a sabbatical from creative work and the internet in general. That means I might not compete every week at the WSS nor will I meet my deadlines for beta-reading Andy Peloquin and Marie Krepps’ manuscripts.

I’ll try to make this hectic schedule work, but I’m making no promises. Never fear, though, because no matter what happens in my life, I always make time to say hi and shoot the breeze with my friends and family, including my online ones. I may be gone for a little while, but never permanently. You guys have been so supportive of me and my author career over the years, so I’ll always miss you when I’m away. It’s not going to be like the Brave Little Toaster where I wait an entire generation to come back to my loved ones. In the same way that you all have been there for me, I will always be there for you. Thank you so much for listening to me.

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE FOR THE DAY***

JERRY: Hey, wait a minute; you have the Mark McEwen TV Guide.

WINONA: That’s Al Roker.

JERRY: Well, they’re both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too.

-Seinfeld-

Rob Zombie X Korn Concert

***ROB ZOMBIE X KORN CONCERT***

Tomorrow night, I’m going to the White River Amphitheater in Auburn, WA to see Rob Zombie and Korn in concert with In This Moment as the opening act. After all of the “crazy days” I’ve had lately, this heavy metal showdown is a welcome distraction. Lots of headbanging, lots of badassery, lots of motherfucking heavy metal! I won’t be in the mosh pit this time around, though, and that’s by design. I need a place to sit down after a long day of jumping up and down to kick-ass music. The spirit will still be the same, though.

Anybody who follows me on Face Book knows that I like to include concerts I go to under “Life Events”. I did it for the Nightwish concert in Seattle earlier this year and I’ll do it for every concert I attend this year as well. Going to a concert for me is like a one day vacation to another land. Yes, I could just as easily watch the bands on You Tube, but it’s not the same experience. Going to venues like the White River Amphitheater, the Showbox, and the Tacoma Dome are like pilgrimages to me. These heavy metal bands have a huge influence on my life and it’s only right that I get to see them up close and personal.

I’ll be rocking out for each and every one of you out there. Let’s tear shit up! And then after tomorrow night, I’ve got Slipknot, Disturbed, and Five Finger Death Punch to look forward to (on separate shows, of course).

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

The theme for this week’s contest is “Muscle Memory” and what better way to celebrate that prompt than with a story called “Dark Fantasy Rock Goddess”? I can’t think of one. Here’s how it goes:

CHARACTERS:

Bloodshark, Human Sorcerer

Autumn Smith, Elf Bard

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Playing the acoustic guitar requires muscle memory.

SYNOPSIS: Autumn travels to the medieval town of Fairhaven to play a concert in front of a drunken crowd. To save money on security detail, she hires Bloodshark as her sole protector. During the concert, the drunken fans get too touchy-feely for Autumn’s taste, so Bloodshark unleashes his deadly magic upon them in the form of fireballs, glacial spikes, and lightning bolts. When her mercenary becomes too violent, she must play him a gentle bard tune to sooth his anger before he does too much damage.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

With Tetra Engel and Jax Nightshade in the books, that means there’s only one character left from “Medicine Man” that needs to be drawn. That character is the spear-wielding gangster named Anya Kolobalos. She was originally supposed to be a part of a Final Fantasy videogame idea back in 2007, but that idea never materialized past a few chapters. So now she’s been recycled as a heartless thug who wants Jax’s maggot therapy for drug peddling purposes. With a spear that big, who is anybody to say no to her?

***MUSIC JOKE OF THE DAY***

If Jacoby Shaddix is playing Monopoly and builds a third hotel on one of his properties, is it his “last resort”?

My 31st Birthday

***MY 31^ST BIRTHDAY***

This coming Friday (June 3^rd), I’m going to be a 31-year-old man, but I’ll still be a big kid at heart. Age is all about mind over matter: if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I may be too old for a lot of things, but playing with action figures, playing with Legos, snuggling with animals, and writing whacky stories are not among them. Action figures of Konnor, Viktor, and Sting from the WWE are just the beginning for me. June is going to be an eventful month for me in three different ways, my birthday on the third being one of them.

On June 8^th, five days after I turn 31, I’m finally going to have my sleep study. I know this sounds boring to a lot of people, but to me, it’s the most important way I can take care of myself. Whenever I’ve refrained from doing creative activities, it was always because I was too mentally exhausted to carry on with my day. I would go to bed late and wake up late, still feeling sluggish and shitty. The sleep study will determine if I need an oxygen mask for my sleep apnea, which I probably will. Having that oxygen mask and continuing to eat healthy and exercise will be my saving grace when it comes to my lack of energy. More energy means more creativity. More creativity means a happier audience. A happier audience means a happier me.

Three days after I have my sleep study, I’m going to the White River Amphitheater in Auburn, Washington to see a concert headlined by Slipknot and Marilyn Manson with the opening act being Of Mice and Men. This means lots of scary masks, lots of scary makeup, lots of heavy ass metal, and lots of creative fuel for an author whose tank is overflowing. This will be just the first of many concerts I will attend in 2016. In July, it’s Rob Zombie X Korn with In This Moment as opening guests. In August, it’s the Pain in the Grass festival with Disturbed headlining the event. Finally, in November, I’m headed to the Tacoma Dome to see Five Finger Death Punch X Shinedown with Sixx AM and As Lions as the opening acts. Let’s get ready to rage, motherfuckers!

All in all, living on this earth for 31 years has been a great experience. I got to go on many vacations to both American and foreign places. I got to see many concerts of bands I love. I got to snuggle with many puppies and kitties over the years. I’ve written many stories and songs and had them self-published. I’ve met many wonderful people along the way. I got to do all of these things with my loving family on both sides of the marriage. The best part of all of this? I’ve got many more decades to go, many of which will be filled with even more magical moments. Never forget the power of love and happiness; it doesn’t just end after your birthday. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

The new week started a few days ago, but not to worry, because I still have a few more days left before the deadline. The prompt will be “Cracked Mirrors” and my story will be called “Subway Smackdown”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Khan Shou, Monster Warrior

Venice Reyes, Human Model

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The damage to Venice’s car includes shattered mirrors.

SYNOPSIS: In a dystopian future where monsters roam the city freely, Venice’s car is vandalized as she leaves her apartment. The only way she can get to her first modeling gig without being late is to take the subway. Venice tries to find a comfortable place to sit, but the subway train is covered in filthy creatures, both in attitude and appearance. Khan Shou, a seven-foot tall piece of raw meat, takes special interest in her and tries to coax her into a romantic relationship. With no fighting skills and nobody to help her, Venice has to brave this subway ride as best as she can.

On a side note, I’m going to be featured in the WSS’s monthly magazine for submitting “Tiger Bullet Kick” in their June edition. I consider that to be an early birthday present!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

It took me three attempts to get Christopher Brown right, so now I can set my sights on Andrew Bradley, the English mercenary from “Ninja”. For a reference picture, I think I’m going to use Freddie from the second Final Fight game. He’s got the size, the hairy body, and the military getup, so he’ll be perfect for drawing Andrew. Hopefully, it’ll only take one attempt this time. Hehe!

***BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY***

We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates, but he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus, he knocked up your daughter.

Getting With the Times

***GETTING WITH THE TIMES***

As someone who openly admits to being a millennial who still plays with toys, being time conscious isn’t one of my strong suits. I don’t follow trends, I don’t care if an interest of mine is dated, I don’t care what’s considered cool by other people, and I’ll wear pretty much whatever I want as long as it’s comfortable. The times may have changed, but my core values have not.

It didn’t occur to me how behind in the times I was until I was editing a short story for American Darkness called “Not Gonna Die”. In this story, there’s a party going on in the main character’s dormitory and the music that’s blasting out of the speakers is “Brass Monkey” by The Beastie Boys. I know of that song, because I was born in 1985, which means I’m twelve years older than the college kids in this story. There aren’t many 18-year-olds who know who the Beastie Boys are, so in order to have realistic cool kids who keep up with the times, I chose rap music that was a little more modern in Tech N9ne. No complaints yet.

Having an old school state of mind is easy for me because nobody has challenged me on it and anybody who did was met with the same nonconformist argument I give everyone. I actually had my brother James tell me that, “Nobody listens to Disturbed anymore.” I do. I listen to them a lot. They may have been popular in the early 2000’s, but to my way of thinking, they’ve stood the test of time in the year 2015. Obviously, my older brother is very time conscious while I couldn’t give two shits what year it is.

When it comes to my writing career, however, it should stand to reason that I have a new school state of mind, because websites like Twitter and Face Book are the future of book marketing. I do have a Face Book account under my real name of Garrison Haines-Temons. I don’t, however, have a Twitter account anymore. There were three separate occasions where I’ve had a Twitter account, but realizing it was about as useful as an asshole on my bicep, I’ve walked away several times and I have no plans to go back.

I also don’t have a smart phone like pretty much everybody does. I have a generic cell phone and even though it has texting capabilities, I don’t take advantage of them. Sending off misspelled sentences with cheesy emoticons isn’t appealing to me since I have too much respect for the English language. As far as technology goes, the only “cool” things I have are my desktop computer, Roku streaming device, and a generic MP3 player from a company that went out of business apparently.

Getting with the times isn’t something that appeals to me very much. If I want to follow a trend, I want that trend to actually have some substance to it. It’s the difference between choosing The Beastie Boys versus Lil’ Wayne or Nirvana versus…some rock band in the 2010’s I’ve never heard of before. There are things in the present day that appeal to me such as the metal bands Gemini Syndrome and Nothing More, which goes to show that it’s not about the time period something comes from, but rather the importance of its message. Rage Against the Machine is a relic from the 90’s, but their music still means something to me.

I have one last message for you all before I get into the posts about my latest artistic endeavors. Unga-bunga. Me caveman. Me want substance. Me no care about coolness! Me have ears! Me say cheers!

　

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

The official date of this journal’s publication is October 30^th, which means I still have two more days of Villains Month left. And man, do I have a villain for you guys: Ryan Brock from my most recent short story “Streetwalker”. We all know that rape is a bad thing, but Ryan Brock takes the humiliating and traumatizing act to a whole different level when he forces himself on a mage named Danielle Courtney. That’s a villain in my book!

　

***POISON TONGUE TALES: EDITING***

I have to be frank with you guys. Although Random.org has chosen “Death Blade” as the next short story to edit, I’m not looking forward to it at all. Don’t get me wrong, Marie’s comments never scare me. In fact, they make me laugh and feel lighthearted. It’s the actual job of editing that frightens me about “Death Blade”. It was my first official entry at the WSS Contest and Company and I wasn’t as good in late 2013 as I am now. In other words, what scares me the most…is my own unpolished writing. Maybe I’ll shelve Death Blade and choose a different one to edit for now.

　

***JANUARY FIRST***

I’ve been spending the past few days trying to bulldoze through another paperback book. Whenever I get in this mood, every other creative project takes a backseat with the exception of competing in WSS contests. What makes January First by Michael Schofield so special is its ability to speak to me personally. Like little Janni, I too have schizophrenia and I recognize her struggles. Watching her spiral into madness is heartbreaking and has almost brought me to tears a few times. I plan on giving this book an Extra Credit grade when I finish reading it, which it desperately needs because some troll assholes on Good Reads are peppering it with uneducated one-star reviews. I’ve heard of that kind of trolling happening to authors before, so I take good care not to believe anything those people say.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

WYNARSKI: Excuse me, have you seen a set of keys around here?
RANDAL: No time for love, Dr. Jones.

-Clerks, a movie made in 1994 when renting movies from a video store was still “cool”-

Cheryl Glenn

You’ve probably seen my posts for Devon Spirit Wolf and Constance Cable and are wondering why I have a fascination with female MMA referees. You’re already wondering if Cheryl Glenn will join the club and you’d be right in thinking so. Referees and females have something in common: they don’t get the respect and thanks they deserve for everything they do. If you’re a referee, you get criticized for every disagreeable decision you make. If you’re a woman, well, they’ll just call you things like “bitch” and “whore” while denying you the right to a safe abortion. I’d like to think of myself as someone who favors the underdogs of society.

Cheryl Glenn is somebody who is an underdog in a lot of ways. Aside from being a female MMA referee who only occasionally makes “bad” calls, she’s also in her early 50’s. She’s heard every sexist and ageist comment in the book. Since she actually is a grandmother, the sexist and ageist jokes come naturally for the ignorant masses. Mixed-martial arts is mostly watched by conservative males with a lot of energy and testosterone. If you think someone like Kim Winslow has a hard enough time being a female referee, then you can understand the plight of the fictional Cheryl Glenn as well. “Make me a sandwich, grandma!” Lovely. Just lovely.

But Mrs. Glenn isn’t one to back down from intimidation so easily. Aside from being a martial artist herself of many decades, she’s also been known to take away the ring announcer’s microphone and give the bigoted audience a piece of her mind.

Cheryl first made an appearance in a short story called “Dot Your Eyes”, where she was the referee for a lightweight main event between a gay fighter named Evan Rader and his homophobic opponent Heath Marks. Because Evan is openly gay, the audience thought it was funny to call him Evan Gay-der. Get it? Har-dee-har-har-har. My ribs are sore from forgetting to laugh. When Cheryl had her turn at the microphone, she told the audience if they didn’t stop chanting homophobic slurs, she was going to cancel the fight and declare it a No Contest due to audience distraction. They shut up pretty damn quickly after that.

Although “Dot Your Eyes” will never see the light of day due to its excessive vulgarity, there will be another time when Cheryl Glenn is used. When she has the microphone for another time, she’ll ask the lighting technicians to shine a spotlight on an certain audience member in the front row. She’ll give that audience member a speech similar to the one David Draiman from Disturbed gave at one of his concerts. It goes like this:

“Hi there! You obviously didn’t come here to watch the fights. You’ve been playing fucking videogames on your smart phone since the opening match. I’ll tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Because right now, to be honest, I can appreciate you not being a fan of the UFC. Hell, there are even times when the UFC pisses ME off. But right now, you’re being really disrespectful to the fighters who came here to perform for you. If you’d rather play videogames, then give up your seat to somebody who wants to watch the fights. So this is how this is going to work. If you want to be respectful, you can stay. If not, then security, if you see him take out his cell phone one more time, you have my permission to kick him the fuck out of here!”

It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, young or old, gay or straight: Cheryl Glenn doesn’t fear you. She may be a grandmother and she may be a woman herself, but she’ll still kick your ass if you cross her. It could be a well-placed kick between the legs. It could be a judo hip toss a la Ronda Rousey. It could be five fingers of death right to your glass jaw. If you’re really curious as to how much of a grumpy grandma Cheryl can be, push her limits. She’ll not only push back, she’ll push your ass over.

　

***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.”

-Bertrand Russell-