The Geomancer

Getting away from the madness of city life was exactly what Ally Bennett needed when she went on this hiking trip. Not a single soul dared to venture up these mountains and that was just the way Miss Bennett liked it. She was dressed for the boiling hot weather with her hiking boots, tan shorts, and tight camouflage T-shirt. Sweat poured off her brow, arms, and legs like a fire hydrant, but she didn’t give two shits and a flying fuck in a rolling donut. Her long brunette hair felt sticky, but that was yet another small price for the sake of introverted physical fitness. She lived for the beauty of Mother Nature no matter what the weather was like.

Just when she thought she was alone at the top of the mountain, she saw something that made her drop her hiking staff to the rocky ground. “What the hell?” she silently said to herself as she noticed a man dressed in green and blue wizard robes chanting in tongues while holding out his hands in a Jesus Christ pose. Ally’s first thought was to run back down the mountain screaming like hell. But this mysterious being was just like a car crash: she couldn’t look away no matter how much she wanted to.

The mystical chant ended when the blue haired being turned his head and gave Ally a look of venomous scorn. “You have no business up here, woman. Turn around and leave if you value your life!”

“First of all, dumb shit,” said Ally with her hands on her hips. “This is a national fucking park. Everybody’s welcome here no matter how weird they look in those god awful clothes of yours. Second of all, my name is not woman. It’s Ally. Ally Bennett.”

“Bryan Valencia,” said the wizard. “Nice to meet you, Miss Bennett. Now that the sappy introductions are over, I suggest you get going before shit starts going down!”

“Okay, Mr. Wizard Guy, that sounded a little bit like a threat, so I’m just going to pull out my cell phone and dial 9-1-1…what the hell are you doing?!” Ally never got the chance to press the buttons on her smart phone as she was stunned by Bryan’s geomantic powers. With wide-eyed horror, she watched him raise his palm in the air and levitate a large rock off the ground. The floating rock was hurled into Ally’s cell phone, shattering the gizmo into tiny fragments while giving Ally a red mark on her hand and a reason to scream “Ow! Jesus!”

As the hiker shook out the pain in her palm, Bryan smiled at her and said, “Do I have your attention now? Would you like another demonstration of how badly I can crush you? That rock trick was just child’s play compared to the damage I’m capable of.”

Clutching her hand to sooth the pain, Ally asked, “Who the hell are you, anyways? I know you said your name was Bryan and all that, but what the fuck, man? You’re lifting rocks off the ground, you’re dressed like you’re going to a nerd convention, you’ve got blue fucking hair, I don’t know what to believe anymore!”

“All of those things you so ignorantly described are the traits of a geomancer,” said Bryan.

“Geo what?”

“Geomancer. I control the elements of the earth. If I want an earthquake, I’ll give you one. If I want a mudslide, you’ve got it. But then I figured, why stop there? Earthquakes and mudslides are tinker toys. To really get in touch with Mother Nature, I have to be right here at the top of this mountain. A mountain, which by the way, was at one point an active volcano. You ever wonder why nobody comes up here? Well, let’s just say they’re not fast enough to run away from the lava, like the idiot brain surgeon politician once said. I swear to god, the ignorance of your people is mind-boggling,” ranted Bryan.

“So this is it, huh?” said Ally in a stern voice. “You’re going to blow up this damn volcano just to show everyone who’s boss. You’re such a noble guy.”

With his fists at his side, Bryan roared, “What do you know about nobility?!” The sudden crescendo caused Ally to bounce backward in fear. “Why do you think people go on hiking trips to begin with? To get away from it all. Well, I’m not getting away from anything. I’m confronting the sins of this world dead on. Don’t you ever get sick of the world sometimes? All the violence, all the rape, all the bigotry, all the zeal. The poor are disenfranchised while those in charge get a slap on the wrist. Women are treated as sex objects while men laugh at their misery. Dropping bombs has become the new diplomacy. Well, if it’s bombs you want, I’ll drop the biggest one mankind has ever seen! My decades of geomantic studies have come down to this! And there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“Actually, there is something I can do about it,” said Ally with her arms folded and a death stare on her face.

“And what would that be?” asked Bryan mockingly. “I already shattered your cell phone, so the cops aren’t even close to coming. As far as I know, you don’t have geomantic powers of your own, so striking you down with a thousand stones would be the easiest part of my day. So what other options do you have? What could you possibly do that will stop me from exacting revenge on this world?”

“Call you out on your bullshit, that’s what,” said Ally. Bryan’s facial features and fierce stance softened at the hiker’s stubbornness. “Being against all of those violent things that you’ve listed is noble in its own right. You’d be crazy not to be. It’s like being in favor of kittens and rainbows. Up with puppies! But what good is being against the sins of the world if you’re committing one right now? You’re not a hero to anybody. You’re a hypocrite! Your volcanic blast will take out all of those rich assholes and male chauvinists you hate so much, but it’ll also take out those sexualized women and innocent children that you claim to have a soft spot for. By blowing this volcano, you’ll be no different from the politicians who drop bombs on helpless civilians overseas. Is that the mark you want to leave on this world? Do you want to be a hypocrite?!”

Bryan tucked his head in shame as if those words stung him like a scorpion’s tail. He spent lengthy seconds in what appeared to be silent and deep contemplation. He lifted his head once more, but this time with the same hardened expression as when he started his spell. “You’re so full of shit! How dare you question my tactics! You really think the innocents want to live in a world run by these rich lunatics? Consider this a mercy killing, my friend!”

Something inside Ally Bennett snapped. She grabbed her walking cane and held it like a samurai warrior ready to strike. Her muscles twitched. Her eyes were wild with fiery anger. Her teeth were clenched hard enough to chew through steel. Every word she spoke was full of vitriol and hatred. “If you’re not going to listen to reason, then I’m going to make you! You’re not going to do shit to this world! If I’m going down, I’m going down fighting! This world is worth saving and you’re not going to do shit about it!”

Bryan raised his hands and levitated an entire wall of rocks off the ground, but Ally remained strong and defiant in the face of this new challenge. The geomancer threatened, “You just made the biggest mistake of your life, you crazy bitch! Prepare to die!”

The wizard rained down a storm of rocks upon Ally, hoping to crush her bones into the same fineness as the dirt below. Even with sharp stones piercing her skin, the undeterred hiker swung her cane like a baseball bat and knocked a few of them into Bryan’s throat. While Ally was buried and bloodied underneath a pile of rocks, Bryan Valencia clutched his windpipe while gasping for air. He danced around in pain trying to get his oxygen back, but made a critical mistake when he fell off the ledge of the mountain and rolled down the hill.

The geomancer bumped into many large stones, trees, and sharp grass blades during his barrel roll down the side of the mountain. His spine crunched in two, his arms and legs were shattered beyond repair, and his head exploded with his brains scattered across the landscape. By the time he reached the bottom, he was already a necromantic supper for a family of bears, who feasted on his carcass like the wild animals they were. Nothing was left of Bryan Valencia except for bones and tiny chunks of meat and shit.

Back at the top of the mountain, Ally Bennett stayed buried beneath the rocks like it was going to be her grave. She hadn’t moved for the longest time and her bloody limbs squeezed fresh juice to trickle down the mountain. After what seemed like ages, her fingers twitched and her dirt-covered eyes barely opened.

At that moment she knew she couldn’t run away from the world’s problems like she intended to do in this hike. She was a hero that day for what she did to Bryan Valencia. Her work was far from over. If she was going to join the resistance against oppressive values, she couldn’t do it through volcanoes, earthquakes, or any other form of terrorism. It’s like a famous first lady once said: “When they go low, you go high.” It didn’t get any higher than the top of a volcanic mountain. It didn’t get any lower than being a human buffet table for a family of brown bears.

Darthania Gaveston

NAME: Darthania Gaveston

AGE: 20

OCCUPATION: Wizard

CANONS: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign and Fireball Nightmare

Technically, this character doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to my good friend Heather, who I used to play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons with back in 2010. She was the wife of my human barbarian Brutus Warcry, who I’ve talked about in previous character profiles. This couple did everything together. They chased bounty heads, they competed in mixed-martial arts, they went on missions to kick some villainous ass, and they even protected the mayor of Middlesex Shawn Simms on more than one occasion. Darthania and Brutus’ romance and adventures were the ultimate rags to riches tale. They started off begging for handouts and became eighth level millionaires.

Darthania comes from a similar romantic background to her husband Brutus in the sense that he was not her first choice. Before Brutus came into her life, Darthania was studying wizardry at the Middlesex Academy of the Arts. She was a damn good student as well as the man she fell in love with at the time, Randy Farrell. They’d do experiments together whether they were wizardry assignments or otherwise…and my definition of otherwise is very loose if you know what I mean. Hehe!

They started off as lab partners and became lovers destined for marriage. And then one day, an accident during class caused a chemical explosion that poisoned Randy and killed him slowly while he rested in a hospital bed. Darthania never got to say goodbye to Randy and still missed him even after marrying Brutus. Brutus never got over Kai Nightwolf and Darthania never got over Randy Farrell. The relatives of the dead lovers entered Brutus and Darthania’s lives as government-paid bodyguards, those guys being Electra Nightwolf, Sandra Nightwolf, and Windham Farrell. It’s not the same, though. It’ll never be the same again.

Darthania had a huge impact not just on Brutus’ life, but on the lives of everybody who participated in that game from Heather to TJ to Sid to Amber. She was so much of an icon that I asked Heather for permission to use her in Fireball Nightmare. Not only did she say it was okay, but she said she was honored since she admires my writing skills (not to brag about it or anything. Hehe!).

In Fireball Nightmare, Darthania Gaveston’s new role was the ex-lover of Brutus in a love polygon that involved anywhere up to seven people. That’s a lot of emotional turmoil to go through. And a lot of condoms. But if she could put those dark feelings aside, then she would have been responsible for Deus, Brutus, and company finding the Lunar Crystal, which when dropped down Vahd’s volcanic opening would cool the earth off from the hellfire it was subjected to. In other words, Darthania would have been responsible for earth’s freedom. But because of confusing plot holes, perfect characters, and all around shabby writing, Fireball Nightmare has been deleted from my archives and is yet another failed project. I had a chance to make Heather’s character famous and I blew it. That’s worth a deep sigh.

Since I already asked once if it was okay to use Darthania in a novel of mine, I’m sure Heather will say yes every time after that as well. It all depends on how many times until I find the perfect fit for the lovely elf wizard. Like every other unemployed character I plan on using, Darthania’s chances of being chosen for a story are random. But if she’s going to stay in my archives indefinitely, the right thing to do would be to let Heather have a crack at writing a story for her. Granted, I’ve never read any of Heather’s writing before, but judging from how well she played Darthania in the D&D sessions, I know she can hack it as a writer.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“You could say I’ve lost my faith in politicians. They all seem like game show hosts to me. But if I ever lose my faith in you, there would be nothing left for me to do. I could be lost inside their locks without a trace. But every time I close my eyes, I see your face.”

-Sting singing “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You”-

Kat Sexton

NAME: Kat Sexton

AGE: 27

OCCUPATION: Agent of the Flame

CANON: Fireball Nightmare

It happened yet again, folks: the alumni from Final Fantasy Hardcore couldn’t hold down a job after all. Deus Shadowheart, Dr. Scott Cain, Gail Reinhold, Rudiger Seran, all of those guys and more are out of work yet again. Kat Sexton was just making her literary debut in Fireball Nightmare and she wasn’t even around for a cup of coffee. How sad. How relentlessly sad. And by the way, Susan, her name is Kat Sexton, not Sexy Cat. And for the last time, those things on the end of her breasts aren’t called Cat Nips. Okay, that was my idea, so I’m pretty much talking to myself here.

In the first act of Fireball Nightmare, Kat Sexton was mentioned as the ex-girlfriend of the main character Deus Shadowheart. Deus was a loyal servant to the volcanic god Vahd (that rhymes), who threatened to destroy the world if his one singular forest was violated by land developers. Kat didn’t see the urgency in such a threat and decided to dump Deus. Kat wouldn’t be seen again until the second act, when Vahd really did carry out his threat after his forest burned to the ground at the hands of Dr. Scott Cain, one of my most popular villains.

The second act saw the world in fiery and lava-infested ruins. Red skies, red grounds, red rivers, and more importantly, red blood stains. Ironically enough, Kat joined a different religion from the one Deus was a part of. She signed up with a deity named Paladine and became the Agent of the Flame, which is one of the religion’s highest honors. Kat had one job: find the Lunar Crystal and drop it down Vahd’s blowhole, which will kill him and restore order to the world.

The entirety of act two was supposed to center around the romantic relationships of all seven main heroes. In Kat’s case, she was in a love triangle with Deus and Brutus Warcry, the latter of which was recycled from a game of Dungeons & Dragons. Kat desperately wanted to give Deus a second chance to right his wrongs, but Brutus was just the perfect guy for her. Two badass barbarians fighting over the same chick. Sounds like an episode of Cheaters: Dark Fantasy edition. The only difference is, neither Joey Greco nor Clark Gable III has the balls to get in between these three warriors. They know how fight and everyone around them will be dragged to their early grave in a pool of violence.

Unfortunately, the love triangle was never fully developed, because in the middle of act two, I decided to pull the plug on Fireball Nightmare. I thought long and hard about making that decision and it was still difficult to make. But it had to be done. The character roster consisted of Gary-Stus, Mary-Sues, and premature kamikazes. The only emotional quality to any of these characters was within their romantic lives, but the romance wasn’t believable, so it’s not much to hold onto. Kat was no exception to the Mary-Sue rule. She was a badass fighter and that’s about it. Not one visible flaw within or without her.

The other reason why Fireball Nightmare was a failure was because by the time the second act rolled along, there were seven heroes for me to baby-sit. I have a hard time getting into the heads of that many people. For future reference, I’m going to try and cut back on how many characters are in a given story. Watch You Burn, my current work in progress, has a three vs. three system of good and evil characters. Mario, Jessica, and Gryace are the heroes and Sage, Austin, and Cameron are the villains. Simple as that. No need for extra unneeded shit. If Fireball Nightmare was that simple, I might not have pulled the plug on it.

So what should we do with a girl like Kat Sexton? She can still be a martial arts badass with a cape, tank top, and cargo pants. She can still fight for the greater good. But if I can’t come up with any flaws for her, then she’ll have to be a side character and not the lead one. Ultimate badasses don’t have much to learn. Flawed characters do. Kat Sexton has a lot of potential in one of my future stories. But for now, she’ll have to keep her eyes glued to the want-ads.