Old Animals

***OLD ANIMALS***

With winter rapidly approaching, it’s important for animals to have a nice warm place to call home so that they don’t freeze their little tootsies off. Pet shelters always have a large influx of animals coming in that have either been surrendered by a previous owner or living on the streets. Everyone needs a furry friend to give them comfort and love during these chilly times. When you eventually do adopt an animal (adopt, don’t shop), please consider taking in an elderly critter that has probably been at the shelter for a long time.

I know the most common argument against adopting an older animal is that they don’t live long and the new owner’s heart will break easily when the little guy passes. But that’s precisely why these animals need a new place to live: their final years on earth should be happy ones instead of lonely ones. Lots of pettings, lots of naps, and lots of love: that’s what elderly animals need, not loneliness.

Another common argument against adopting senior animals is that they could potentially be hard to take care of due to medical problems or messy behavior. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Most elderly animals just want to lie around and rest their aching bones, so you don’t have to worry about them playing with things they shouldn’t be playing with. As far as medical bills go, that’s a constant no matter what age the animal is. Younger cats have to be fixed so that they don’t reproduce easily. Some of them are so young that they’re not housetrained yet. Housetraining can be a long and arduous process, but you don’t have to worry about that with an experienced cat or dog.

That’s not to say that young animals don’t deserve love, because they certainly do. Animals of all age groups need a warm home to call their own. The point of this blog entry is to not turn away older animals so easily because of the stigmas against them. A furry friend is a furry friend no matter how far into their twilight years they are.

What some of those old doggies would do for a puppiccino right now. A puppiccino is basically just a Starbucks cup filled with whipped cream and nothing more. Dogs loved whipped cream! You know what else they love? Plain double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s without the bun. I once read a nonfiction book about a library cat named Dewey who used to eat Arby’s cheddar roasts during his senior years. These are just small examples of what an elderly animal’s final years could look like if they lived in a happy home. Knowing you gave happy moments to an old animal will ease some of the pain of loss when their time eventually comes. It will still hurt like hell, but love conquers all in the end. So do fond memories.

To use an example from my own life, I currently have an elderly brown kitty named Smokey who spends most of her time napping on my bed. She’s the laziest animal we have, but also the most relaxed and peaceful. Cats don’t get to be nineteen years old by being stressed out all the time. It’s hard for Smokey to feel stressed when she’s getting pettings, love, and Temptations kitty treats on a daily basis. I love the sound of her purring in my ear when I lay next to her. She’s a sweet and dear kitty who brings me happiness every day that she’s alive. When her time comes to cross the Rainbow Bridge, I’ll miss her dearly, but I’ll also be grateful for every memory she’s given me.

Elderly animals need love just as much as their young counterparts. They’re every bit as sweet and snuggly, every bit as cute and cuddly, and a proud and loyal member of your family. Adopting a senior kitty or puppy will be a decision you’ll never regret. You could have your very own Smokey-Pokey for the price of an adoption fee. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***THE CAT WHO ROBBED A BANK***

Speaking of sweet and cuddly animals, the next book I’m going to read and review is another classic from Lilian Jackson Braun’s “Cat Who” series. If I can be honest for a moment, before I started working with Marie Krepps, I’ve been blind to the fact that Ms. Braun does more telling than showing in her novels. There have been times when I considered giving one of her books a mixed grade (three stars). But then the grade improves when I realize how relaxing and laidback reading her books can be, especially on a rainy day like today. According to Good Reads’ math, I’m 20% finished with the book and it’s a light read, so I’ll probably be done with it sooner rather than later.

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

I’ll tell you what’s not sweet and cuddly: hardcore violence with a dark fantasy backdrop. That’s what you’re going to get with the second to last story to be written for this series: “King of Elves and Trees”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Saito Kabaka, Elf Samurai

2.      Tifa Croft, Elf Assassin

3.      Rudiger Seran, Giant Lumberjack

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Rudiger and his team of lumberjacks have been independently contracted to cut down trees in The Black Forest. To protect their forest home, Saito and Tifa slaughter lumberjacks left and right, but meet their biggest challenge when the eight-foot tall Rudiger swings his oversized axe like a madman. The battle becomes even fiercer when Rudiger’s axe ignites into magical fire.

FUN FACT: The title of this story is a lyric from the Within Temptation song “In Perfect Harmony”, though the story itself is nowhere near as peaceful as the song.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because there’s a new story on the horizon, there are going to be some new drawings as well. There won’t be one of Rudiger Seran, because I already drew a picture of him back in 2014 when he was originally a character from my now defunct first draft novel “Fireball Nightmare”. He’s the one who looks like the Big Show from WWE with a chain mail singlet and a big ass battleaxe. He’s also one of the grayscale characters I drew before I purchased colored pencils from Amazon in February 2016. With Rudiger stricken from the list, that just leaves Tifa Croft (guess how I got that name) and Saito Kabaka. I believe I’ll draw Saito first and then Tifa. Sound good?

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JOHN CENA: You came out here with your fly unzipped.

ROMAN REIGNS: I busted it open. I’m the Big Dog.

JOHN CENA: Actually, I was looking to see where your balls were, but you don’t have any.

ROMAN REIGNS: Yeah, you would look for those.

WWE Live From Madison Square Garden: Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show

MATCH: Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Live From Madison Square Garden
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


On one side of the ring, you have a seven foot tall, 450 lb. giant with multiple championships and an Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy on his resume. On the other side of the ring, you have a 6’7”, 285 lb. fighting machine with championships from the NCAA, WWE, and even the UFC to his credit. These two super heavyweights aren’t just big and burly. They’re legitimate athletes. They can steamroll any opponent put in front of them. They can put multiple people in the hospital at once. They’re fighters by nature. And even though they’re both past their primes, they keep getting bigger, stronger, meaner, nastier, and better. Only on the WWE Network will these two weapons of mass destruction be allowed to compete. What better place to hold the deadly fight than at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena and a staple of New York City?

Believe it or not, these two behemoths have survived each other’s onslaughts before. Their first recorded WWE match was in 2002 at the Survivor Series for Lesnar’s WWE Championship. 2002 was Lesnar’s rookie year and already he was dominating this turnbuckle jungle. He won the King of the Ring Tournament. He defeated The Rock to become the WWE Champion at age 25, the youngest at the time. He held multiple victories over The Undertaker. Nobody could stop this wrecking machine from hell…except for The Big Show, who with a steel chair and a little help from a treacherous Paul Heyman, pinned Brock Lesnar and won the WWE Championship.

As badly as these two men beat each other over that year, it wouldn’t compare to an episode of Smackdown in 2003, when Brock Lesnar once again had to defend his WWE Championship against The Big Show. Ass beatings were definitely in order, but the climax of the match didn’t come until Big Show was on the top rope and Lesnar had the idea of super-plexing this mega giant. Not only did Brock Lesnar have the Greek god-like strength to heave the 500 lb. man up, but when the two superstars crashed to the mat, the entire ring fell to pieces. The match was declared a draw, but that moment remained one of Smackdown’s most memorable.

Fast forward to the year 2014 when both The Big Show and Brock Lesnar had developed as brutally powerful athletes. They would meet again at that year’s Royal Rumble pay-per-view. The even itself was greeted with negativity due to Daniel Bryan’s absence from the actual Royal Rumble match, but if the fans ever needed a reason to cheer up, they got it when Brock Lesnar and Big Show’s match never got started. The reason for that being Lesnar’s vicious steel chair assault to Big Show, leaving bruises, blood, and slashes all over the giant’s body.

And now we fast forward to the year 2015 at WWE’s live event in Madison Square Garden. No more bullshit. No more draws, No more cheap shots. No more betrayal. Just straight up violence and nothing more. Though the match itself was relatively shorter than the rest of the matches on the card, it was no less brutal or deadly. It was a match that started with Lesnar attempting a double-leg takedown on Big Show and getting thrown over the top rope by Show instead.

The first few minutes of the match consisted of Lesnar trying to heave and toss around this 500 lb. warrior to no success whatsoever. Big Show decided to end it early with not one, not two, but three choke slams and a leg-hook pin. Even after falling seven feet three times, Lesnar got his shoulder up at two and the match resumed. Big Show was pissed. He was so pissed that he wanted to end it early again, this time with a knockout punch once Lesnar got to his feet.

Big Show didn’t get a KO victory, no, no, no. He got a one-way all expenses paid trip to Suplex City and Madison Square Garden was the capitol building. Brock Lesnar went behind the massive athlete, wrapped his arms around Big Show’s waist, and gave him not one, not two, not even three, but four German suplexes. Having enough strength to throw a 500 lb. man around like that says something about how much of a slayer Lesnar really is. And then this display of brutal strength was capped off with an F5 from Lesnar to Big Show, followed by a leg-hook pin for a full three count.

You think this is over? Aren’t you forgetting the bonus material? That’s right. Big Show actually got back up to his feet and flipped of his opponent. Granted, this titan was on spaghetti legs and couldn’t clear the cobwebs out of his thick skull, but he was clearly itching for another fight. Lesnar was more than happy to oblige. He got back in the ring and delivered an overhead belly-to-belly suplex to the massive ogre before picking his battered ass back up and giving another F5 for good measure. Needless to say, Brock was fully satisfied and walked away from the arena a happy man.

Big Show, on the other hand, walked to the backstage area holding his ribs and trying to maintain his equilibrium. When ringside announcer Eden Stiles said into her microphone, “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it one more time for The Big Show!”, all the seven-footer heard was a chorus of boos.

Despite the short length of this match, the multiple displays of sheer power by Brock Lesnar were awesome to watch. Having The Big Show do a job for him was the right move by WWE. And not only was it an important victory for Brock, it was a convincing one. Big Show suffered losses over his career to men much smaller than him.

But this match didn’t feel excessively scripted. This match actually felt like two big men trying to outmuscle each other. Lesnar isn’t used to being the underdog in his matches, so him being victorious in definitive fashion is a huge momentum builder for what awaits him next: a Hell in a Cell match with The Undertaker. After tossing around a man twice his size like he was medicine ball, Brock Lesnar doesn’t look like an underdog anymore, especially not against The Undertaker in a match the latter made famous.

WWE TLCS: Erick Rowan vs. The Big Show

MATCH: Erick Rowan vs. The Big Show in a Steel Stairs Match

PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment

EVENT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Stairs

YEAR: 2014

RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence

GRADE: Pass

The WWE broadcast team calls The Big Show the World’s Largest Athlete for a reason. He’s over seven feet tall and weighs a quarter of a ton. He’s not just a guy who hit the genetic jackpot. He’s strong, agile, and hits so hard his victims feel the pain for years on end. The Big Show started his wrestling career in the 90’s with WCW and won several championships there. He jumped to WWE in the latter part of that decade and is still a dominant ass-kicker in today’s wrestling world, having won even more world championships and being billed as a future first ballot Hall of Famer. I can’t say The Wrestling Observer Newsletter readers like him very much judging from all the negative awards they’ve given him over the years, but whatever.

And then there’s his opponent Erick Rowan, a seven foot tall, over three hundred pound Generation Y member who just arrived on the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of The Wyatt Family. Though he never won any major championships while he was with the group, he did make a major impact as somebody who was also strong and agile at the same time. He and his brethren Luke Harper and Bray Wyatt have dominated WWE by assaulting top tier guys and leaving them broken heaps. The three of them even won a Best Gimmick award from the WON in 2013 for being a backwoods cult. The Wyatt Family has since split up on account of Bray Wyatt “curing” Luke Harper and Erick Rowan, but these three ring warriors are no less dangerous.

Rowan and Show’s rivalry started when they were both on Team Cena at the Survivor Series 2014 pay-per-view against Team Authority, where Big Show betrayed his team at the last minute by knocking out John Cena and having him eliminated. Though Team Cena would still win the match, the anger towards Big Show from the WWE Universe was still strong for his cowardly act. Who would be the first to confront him and show him what an idiot he was? Erick Rowan, who in no uncertain terms said he doesn’t like bullies before dispatching of The Big Show.

And now we have this Steel Stairs Match at the TLCS pay-per-view the following month of December. In this match, there are no count-outs or disqualifications, only pin falls or submissions. Steel ring stairs are not only legal to use as weapons, they’re encouraged as such. Steel ring stairs weigh about as much as a typically-sized wrestler, which is somewhere north of 220 lbs. Erick Rowan and The Big Show are so huge and so strong that when they pick up steel stairs, those big pieces of metal look like toys in their arms. They make lifting the stairs look easy and make using them as weapons look even easier. It’s like a D&D-style gnomish rogue carrying a punch dagger. It’s that easy and that crafty.

To start off the match, Erick Rowan threw a martial arts spin kick and knocked Big Show down. I repeat, a 350 lbs. man threw a spin kick like he was Adrian Neville or Sami Zayn, both of whom are cruiserweights. Then the two wrestlers threw each other into the posts, into the barricades, and slammed each other on the outside floor, which is made of concrete and nothing more.

After the beginning flurry from Erick Rowan, The Big Show put on a dominant, squash match-style performance for the rest of the fight. Among the things the Big Show used the steel stairs for included as a battering ram, as a throwing weapon, as a slamming surface, as bowling pins for throwing Erick Rowan, he even put that huge piece of metal on the English announce table and scared the crap out of Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.

Over and over, Big Show smashed Erick Rowan with those stairs and knocked him unconscious several times. Rowan was dizzy and dumb after multiple blows to the head. His “high IQ” dropped a few points after this destructive ass-beating. And then to top it all off, Big Show figured Erick Rowan was going to kick out anyways, so Show held the steel stairs against Rowan’s gigantic chest and pinned him for a three count with all of that pressure. Even a zombie wouldn’t be able to kick out of that.

The creative ways to beat people with stairs, the impact of the blunt force trauma, the easiness of their use by both men, and the athletic displays also by both men are all what make me want to give this match a passing grade. There’s just one thing that bothers me, but it’s not enough to demote this match to a mixed grade, so don’t worry. Ever since this one-sided ass-kicking from Big Show to Erick Rowan, the latter was very rarely seen on television, and by television I mean Raw and Smackdown and not anything on the WWE Network.

The last time I heard of Rowan’s whereabouts was that he had a match with “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro on a minor league show called WWE Superstars. How exactly does a former Wyatt Family member with that much hype go from a deadly war at TLCS to being mingled with lower-status wrestlers? My theory was that Erick Rowan was only carrying the top spot until various injured wrestlers came off the shelf. It’s sad and unfortunate to think of Erick Rowan that way. He had and still does have lots of potential.