Ariel Winter with the Sting Operation of the Century

 

Welcome, Everybody, to Nickelodeon GUTS! And GORE! And VIOLENCE! And BLOOD!

 

This Has Been a Gracie Films Presentation

 

HEY, HEY, HEY! We Got Another Hollywood Reboot!

 

A History of Violence...Against Internet Trolls

 

Extroverted Party Hostess vs. Garrison's Autism: Forever in Search of Common Ground

 

Night Ride

Put a fucking muffler on your ’57 Chevy

It ain’t that deep and it ain’t that heavy

The rest of the block is trying to sleep

And you’re raping our ears like a bus stop creep

Mediocre white guy going for a night ride

You’re a perfect candidate for a gangland drive-by

You peaked in high school and it never got better

Yet you throw shade at those who ain’t swimming in cheddar

Your noisy engine is your personality

It’s all that’s remembered after road fatalities

Adrenaline junky looking for your next high

So you speed towards the ramp, get ready to fly

Motocross, but with a piece of shit car

You might have had a few Miller Lites at the bar

Mix it with your Monster and a case of Red Bull

MAGA flag on one side, the other side is rebel

Hoot and holler so they can hear you in China

And if they complain, say they have a vagina

That’s full of sand and pieces of Mae Young’s hand

Congratulations, you’re an Aaron Lewis cover band

Speed right off into the dark of the night

And if you get pulled over, put your dukes up and fight

Blue Lives Matter until you throw the first punch

Now a fully loaded pistol is eating you for lunch

Should we call you patriotic or have a good laugh?

I’d call you a comedian, but you suck at the craft

Your whole life is comedy, it’ll end in tragedy

Even worse if you’re a student at the Rape Academy

Pee-Wee Herman (Rest in Peace) vs. Tina Descovich, Founder of Mommies For Lubrication, I Mean, Moms For Liberty

 

Tom MacDonald Had a Pharm

 

Nyla Rose: the Secret Desire of Transphobic Men Everywhere

 

Vinny Verhei from Wrestling Observer Live vs. AJ Styles from WWE: You Can't Please Everybody, So Don't Even Try

 

Nate Silver vs. Donald Trump a.k.a. the REAL King of Wishful Thinking, Not Go West

 

Kleptometer

VERSE 1

You had decades to put two slugs in my chest

And you couldn’t be bothered to give me your best

You spent your whole life in agony because I exist

For the love of god, move on, because we all insist

You need around-the-clock care for your butthurt derriere

You failed on purpose, yet you say it’s not fair

That I breathe in greatness and breathe out revolution

While you’re writing angry essays on The Final Solution

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 2

Put some money in my wallet just like you should

Then you say you’ll go nuclear if my work isn’t good

Sight unseen is how you describe your purchase

But you already decided that my thoughts are worthless

Guys like you and me have never been equal

We share the biology, but we’re two different people

You put too much stock in burning down the whole planet

And you blow a gasket when I say I won’t have it

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

VERSE 3

Curiosity never once killed the cat

It never killed anyone, what do you think about that?

But sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong

Is so much worse when you think you’re never wrong

I’ve got a lifetime of lessons I could pass down to you

But you’re special, so you don’t need anything new

Just keep opening your mouth for a helping of slop

And keep on chowing down until your belly pops

 

CHORUS

I’m so happy that I wasted your time

Not a great place to stick all your nickels and dimes

Save your Benjamins and Hamiltons for NFTs

The kleptometer’s readings are really sending me

 

OUTRO

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Your palms are sweating as you count down the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Only minutes remain until you’re stiff as a rock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

You could have forged any path you wanted to

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Now you take your last breath, bitch face goes blue

Randal Graves from Clerks vs. Lindsey Graham, Whose Last Name Should Also Be Graves, Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink (Rest in Piss, Loser)

 

"Judge" Bruce Schroeder: Passed the Bar, Failed the Country

 

Millennium: A Room with No View...and a Stereo System with No Rock n' Roll

 

This episode aired on TV in 1998. Landon's going to have a looooooooong wait between then and 2015.

Simple Plan vs. Eric July: The Most Memed Song of All Time Makes a Comeback for a Whiny Libertarian

The Shield: David Aceveda vs. Juan Lozano a.k.a. the Award-Winning Meteorologist

 

David Bowie vs. Larry Elder a.k.a. the Guy Who Lost Like a Bitch to Gavin Newsom

 

Leopold from "Kate & Leopold" vs. Eric Bischoff: Farmer's Bounty Tastes Better