MATCH: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Survivor Series
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Fail
Legendary WWE commentator Jim Ross said it best when being interviewed by Give Me Sport: “The diva’s division is in trouble.” He didn’t mince words, he didn’t sugarcoat, he told it like it is. From the 1990’s to the 2000’s, women’s wrestling in the WWE didn’t used to be all that painful to watch. Back then, you had high flyers like Lita, technical geniuses like Trish Stratus, and muscle-bound neck snappers like Chyna. They didn’t just roll around to entice the male viewers; they actually put on wrestling clinics. There were even times when the wrestled men that were much bigger and stronger than them. Fast forward to the 2010’s and Trish Stratus and Lita are in the WWE Hall of Fame while Chyna has been snubbed due to her being a porn actress who could be Googled by small children.
My, how the times have changed. Today’s divas division isn’t about wrestling or enticement anymore. It’s about making the women look inferior to the men. Instead of badass wrestlers like the ones I’ve mentioned in the first paragraph, you’ve got super skinny lingerie models with pretty faces and Barbie bodies struggling to perform the most basic wrestling maneuvers whether they’re clotheslines, scoop slams, suplexes, or dropkicks. You think we’re going to get a divas Hell in a Cell match anytime soon? If we did, it would only last 30 seconds like most women’s matches did in the 2010’s. It got so bad that as a heel announcer at the time, Michael Cole would go out of his way to bury the divas division, whether he was pretending to sleep at the announce table or picking up a microphone to tell the girls to hurry up and finish their matches. People like to say that there are real wrestlers in this division like Paige, Natalya, and Naomi, but when placed in the ring with Barbie dolls, their chemistry is screwed up and it turns out to be a less than 1-star match.
At Survivor Series in 2014, it was more of the same when AJ Lee was scheduled to defend her WWE Divas Championship against Nikki Bella with the latter’s twin sister Brie hanging around at ringside. In 2013 on the same pay-per-view, AJ Lee, Nikki Bella, and a bunch of other divas competed in a 7-on-7 elimination tag team match, which caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter as the Worst Worked Match of 2013.
Fast forward to the buildup towards Survivor Series 2014 and Nikki and Brie were actually feuding with each other. With piss-poor acting, no real reason for the feud to happen, unrealistic dialogue, and appearances by Stephanie McMahon and Jerry Springer, this rivalry would go on to win Worst Feud of 2014, also in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. So far, the Bella Twins collectively have won two awards from that publication, but not in a good way. It didn’t help matters that the twins also received a Gooker Award from Wrestlecrap.com for their rivalry. Nice job, ladies.
And now we come to Survivor Series 2014 in what is supposed to be a competitive match-up for the Divas Championship. AJ Lee aka Mrs. CM Punk is ready for action against the challenger Nikki Bella aka Mrs. John Cena. The bell is rung and the match begins…but not without Brie Bella aka Mrs. Daniel Bryan standing on the ring apron wanting AJ Lee’s attention. Once Brie got it, she pulled AJ’s face into hers and planted a not-so-romantic lesbian kiss on her lips. The reasoning for this would later be revealed as revenge for AJ doing the same thing to Daniel Bryan at the Wrestlemania 28 pay-per-view and costing him the World Heavyweight Championship. And now Brie has cost AJ the Divas Championship. As soon as the geek goddess backs up into Nikki Bella, Nikki heaves the skinny chick on her shoulders and plants her down in a move called the Rack Attack. Nikki pinned AJ 1-2-3 and became the new champion in less than 30 seconds.
When I reviewed the match between Daniel Bryan and Sheamus at Wrestlemania 28, I gave it a failing grade because I wanted to see a war between those two. I wanted bloodshed, bruising, beatings, and battles and all I got was 18 seconds of garbage. I should apply the same logic to this match, but really, who wants to see two skinny divas with no meat on their bones prance around the ring like pixies? That meat on the bones comment wasn’t a joke; when AJ Lee gets put in a submission hold, you can see her ribcage. Yuck!
When Jim Ross said the divas division needed help, he knew exactly who could help them. If you’re tired of pointless divas matches on WWE, fear not, because the end is not the answer. All you have to do is subscribe to Hulu or the WWE Network and watch a weekly Wednesday show called NXT. The NXT divas are MUCH different from the ones on the main roster. Not only do they know how to wrestle, they know how to wrestle five-star matches. Who will ever forget the epic encounter between Charlotte (Ric Flair’s daughter) and Natalya (Bret Hart’s niece) over the vacant NXT Women’s Championship, where technical wrestling and meaty bodies were on tap that night. What about the match at NXT Unstoppable between Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks? Those two put it all on the line and did moves that no skinny model chick could ever do. Hell, those two matches had the crowd chanting, “This is wrestling!” Yes, it is, Full Sail University. Yes, it is.
Can the divas division on WWE’s main roster be saved? I’d like to think it can. I try to be optimistic about that sort of thing. The only way it can happen is if WWE puts more emphasis on wrestling (the second W) than entertainment (the E), but then again, mocking women who can’t wrestle isn’t very entertaining for any crowd.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
"I Laughed, I Cried, I Crapped Myself" by Ashley Uzzell and Anette Suggs
BOOK TITLE: I Laughed, I Cried, I Crapped Myself: Poetry of Life
AUTHORS: Anette Suggs & Ashley Uzzell
YEAR: 2015
GENRE: Poetry
SUBGENRE: Personal
GRADE: Pass
The bond between grandmother and granddaughter has never been clearer than in this book of poetry from both authors. They shared emotions, beliefs, moments, and most importantly, they shared life together. Ms. Anette Suggs will be surely missed, but this book of poetry will keep her memory immortalized until time itself is standing still. No topic is off limits, yet the innocence of it all is maintained throughout this read.
Just like with our favorite music, it’s always nice if the poetry we read is relatable and pretty much every poem in this book speaks to our souls. When you forget who you are and need to be reminded, try “I Am”. When you’ve lost your innocence and your flower is wilting, the poem is actually titled “Innocence”. When you’re fearing for the life of your child because he or she fell on the pavement, you’ve got “Impact”.
And then there’s a poem called “Wasted Emotions”, which is about how romantic couples grow apart over time and its no less heartbreaking when the end is near. “Wasted Emotions” is special to me because Ashley Uzzell posted it in the message board of one of my own Deviant Art poems called “A Love Song to No One”, which harbors the same sorrowful feelings. I’m not sure if her poem was inspired by mine, but whatever the case, I will always clutch it to my heart. There’s something for everyone in this poetry book. All you have to do is read it all the way through, which shouldn’t be hard considering it’s less than 50 pages.
The individual poems themselves, whether written by grandmother or granddaughter, are written with a clear and concise meter that makes reading them out loud or singing them onstage a piece of cake. Not all of them have rhyming verses, but it shouldn’t matter because the poems are enjoyable and rhythmic anyways. There’s a disclaimer in the front of the book that says some of this poetry was written in the mid-1990’s, which means Ashley Uzzell was only a child, yet she writes like someone who has been doing this for a long, long time. To tell you the truth, I wish I had her and her grandmother’s skills when I was starting out writing poetry in 2004.
Anette Suggs passed away and left behind a legacy that will last forever in the hearts and minds of those who got to know her, either personally or literarily. As I write this review, Ashely Uzzell is 30 years old and still has a bright future ahead of her. I have no doubts that those many decades will be used for creating even more beauty than we’ve seen in her poetry book. I’m not saying that as her personal friend; I’m saying it as a lover of literature, which is the real reason this book gets a passing grade.
AUTHORS: Anette Suggs & Ashley Uzzell
YEAR: 2015
GENRE: Poetry
SUBGENRE: Personal
GRADE: Pass
The bond between grandmother and granddaughter has never been clearer than in this book of poetry from both authors. They shared emotions, beliefs, moments, and most importantly, they shared life together. Ms. Anette Suggs will be surely missed, but this book of poetry will keep her memory immortalized until time itself is standing still. No topic is off limits, yet the innocence of it all is maintained throughout this read.
Just like with our favorite music, it’s always nice if the poetry we read is relatable and pretty much every poem in this book speaks to our souls. When you forget who you are and need to be reminded, try “I Am”. When you’ve lost your innocence and your flower is wilting, the poem is actually titled “Innocence”. When you’re fearing for the life of your child because he or she fell on the pavement, you’ve got “Impact”.
And then there’s a poem called “Wasted Emotions”, which is about how romantic couples grow apart over time and its no less heartbreaking when the end is near. “Wasted Emotions” is special to me because Ashley Uzzell posted it in the message board of one of my own Deviant Art poems called “A Love Song to No One”, which harbors the same sorrowful feelings. I’m not sure if her poem was inspired by mine, but whatever the case, I will always clutch it to my heart. There’s something for everyone in this poetry book. All you have to do is read it all the way through, which shouldn’t be hard considering it’s less than 50 pages.
The individual poems themselves, whether written by grandmother or granddaughter, are written with a clear and concise meter that makes reading them out loud or singing them onstage a piece of cake. Not all of them have rhyming verses, but it shouldn’t matter because the poems are enjoyable and rhythmic anyways. There’s a disclaimer in the front of the book that says some of this poetry was written in the mid-1990’s, which means Ashley Uzzell was only a child, yet she writes like someone who has been doing this for a long, long time. To tell you the truth, I wish I had her and her grandmother’s skills when I was starting out writing poetry in 2004.
Anette Suggs passed away and left behind a legacy that will last forever in the hearts and minds of those who got to know her, either personally or literarily. As I write this review, Ashely Uzzell is 30 years old and still has a bright future ahead of her. I have no doubts that those many decades will be used for creating even more beauty than we’ve seen in her poetry book. I’m not saying that as her personal friend; I’m saying it as a lover of literature, which is the real reason this book gets a passing grade.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Sarah Tonin
NAME: Sarah Tonin
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: Rebel Clown
CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project
The canon Macaroni & Ownage Project should sound familiar to anybody who read Makoto Lionheart’s profile. If you haven’t read it, go read it now on my Deviant Art account, Good Reads blog, or Garrison’s Library. You have to do some serious excavation to find it, but I’m not repeating everything I said about the canon in that profile. All you need to know that the MOP is a group of Juggalo-like clowns who rebel against a religious king named Rajim Kane and his demon giant Broken Soul.
One of the rebels for the cause is Sarah Tonin. Go ahead and laugh at the obvious pun, because that’s what was intended. I wanted a name that was a play on words for serotonin, the chemical in the brain that registers euphoria. Sarah, the actual character this word is based on, is anything but euphoric. In fact, she’s bat shit crazy and she’s carrying a wooden staff: not a good combination. People worry about the mentally ill obtaining guns and they should. But what you should really worry about is Sarah Tonin carrying a fucking staff. She can split your skull like a coconut, crack your ribs like crab legs, and blow out your knees to where you have to crawl from point A to point B.
Sarah doesn’t show much of her wild personality in the beginning of the movie script. In fact, she stays quiet while the other two surviving clowns, Lee Murdock and Makoto Lionheart, are constantly at each other’s throats. It’s when the three clowns join a martial arts tournament that things really begin to heat up. Sarah loses to a capoeira fighter named Sonny Fu in the quarterfinals and because she’s a sore loser, she beats the shit out of him in the locker room area. But here’s the million dollar question: though Sarah is the prime suspect in Sonny Fu’s hospitalization, is she really to be held responsible or should we take into account that she has multiple personalities as a result of a traumatic past?
Sarah eventually has to face the music when she takes a nap in the woods and finds herself in a different world brought on by psychosis, where she has to fight two warriors named Rowan Z and X King. The two warriors beat the shit out of her until she learns how to control her psychotic mind and returns the favor. She then wakes up from her traumatic nightmare when Lee and Makoto shake her body into consciousness. The whole thing was a fucking dream. Before you scream Deus Ex Machina, you have to know that Sarah Tonin might not have woken up from that dream. She could have died in her sleep and that would be the end of her. Yikes!
This whole time, Sarah, Lee, and Makoto have been traveling to an ancient temple where they were going to seek counseling from a clown sage, who supposedly has the answers on how to defeat Broken Soul. I say supposedly, because the sage’s advice sounds like a bunch of gibberish and jargon. When Broken Soul finally arrives, the three have no idea how to interpret the advice and Lee Murdock gets stepped on while trying to save Makoto’s life. The battle ends when a fourth clown, who was crucified by Rajim Kane, arrives to interpret the sage’s answer: just be your disgusting and creepy selves. Apparently, that advice was good enough for the nameless clown, Lee, and Makoto to finish the job and put an end to Rajim Kane’s reign of terror.
Does this sound like a credible story to you? Maybe after a few tweaks here and there, it could have been something great. But my money is on the fact that anything I’ve written before 2013 is beyond repair due to my lack of reading experience and unwillingness to listen to the critics who are trying to help me. So now Miss Tonin is in the unemployment line of my imagination. And yes, she will keep her name Sarah Tonin despite the fact that it’s an obvious punch line.
If you think Sarah Tonin’s name is a joke, listen to this. In my WIP psychological fantasy novel Watch You Burn, Mario Bryan’s ex-girlfriend is named Terri. For the longest time, she hasn’t been assigned a last name…until now. Her last name is…Bull. If you’re going to call her Terri Bullshit, you’ve got the wrong punch line I mind. Just Terri Bull will be good enough. Now say her full name really fast and you get…”terrible”! Hahahahaha! Oh, that’s so funny! But trust me, Terri Bull and Sarah Tonin have nothing in common with each other. One of them is a crazy bitch who will beat you to death with a wooden stick…and the other is a rebel clown.
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Look, I don’t mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I have to wear, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some self-righteous lucky turd come over here and treat me and Dante like we’re a couple of fucking porch monkeys!”
-Randal Graves from “Clerks II”-
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: Rebel Clown
CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project
The canon Macaroni & Ownage Project should sound familiar to anybody who read Makoto Lionheart’s profile. If you haven’t read it, go read it now on my Deviant Art account, Good Reads blog, or Garrison’s Library. You have to do some serious excavation to find it, but I’m not repeating everything I said about the canon in that profile. All you need to know that the MOP is a group of Juggalo-like clowns who rebel against a religious king named Rajim Kane and his demon giant Broken Soul.
One of the rebels for the cause is Sarah Tonin. Go ahead and laugh at the obvious pun, because that’s what was intended. I wanted a name that was a play on words for serotonin, the chemical in the brain that registers euphoria. Sarah, the actual character this word is based on, is anything but euphoric. In fact, she’s bat shit crazy and she’s carrying a wooden staff: not a good combination. People worry about the mentally ill obtaining guns and they should. But what you should really worry about is Sarah Tonin carrying a fucking staff. She can split your skull like a coconut, crack your ribs like crab legs, and blow out your knees to where you have to crawl from point A to point B.
Sarah doesn’t show much of her wild personality in the beginning of the movie script. In fact, she stays quiet while the other two surviving clowns, Lee Murdock and Makoto Lionheart, are constantly at each other’s throats. It’s when the three clowns join a martial arts tournament that things really begin to heat up. Sarah loses to a capoeira fighter named Sonny Fu in the quarterfinals and because she’s a sore loser, she beats the shit out of him in the locker room area. But here’s the million dollar question: though Sarah is the prime suspect in Sonny Fu’s hospitalization, is she really to be held responsible or should we take into account that she has multiple personalities as a result of a traumatic past?
Sarah eventually has to face the music when she takes a nap in the woods and finds herself in a different world brought on by psychosis, where she has to fight two warriors named Rowan Z and X King. The two warriors beat the shit out of her until she learns how to control her psychotic mind and returns the favor. She then wakes up from her traumatic nightmare when Lee and Makoto shake her body into consciousness. The whole thing was a fucking dream. Before you scream Deus Ex Machina, you have to know that Sarah Tonin might not have woken up from that dream. She could have died in her sleep and that would be the end of her. Yikes!
This whole time, Sarah, Lee, and Makoto have been traveling to an ancient temple where they were going to seek counseling from a clown sage, who supposedly has the answers on how to defeat Broken Soul. I say supposedly, because the sage’s advice sounds like a bunch of gibberish and jargon. When Broken Soul finally arrives, the three have no idea how to interpret the advice and Lee Murdock gets stepped on while trying to save Makoto’s life. The battle ends when a fourth clown, who was crucified by Rajim Kane, arrives to interpret the sage’s answer: just be your disgusting and creepy selves. Apparently, that advice was good enough for the nameless clown, Lee, and Makoto to finish the job and put an end to Rajim Kane’s reign of terror.
Does this sound like a credible story to you? Maybe after a few tweaks here and there, it could have been something great. But my money is on the fact that anything I’ve written before 2013 is beyond repair due to my lack of reading experience and unwillingness to listen to the critics who are trying to help me. So now Miss Tonin is in the unemployment line of my imagination. And yes, she will keep her name Sarah Tonin despite the fact that it’s an obvious punch line.
If you think Sarah Tonin’s name is a joke, listen to this. In my WIP psychological fantasy novel Watch You Burn, Mario Bryan’s ex-girlfriend is named Terri. For the longest time, she hasn’t been assigned a last name…until now. Her last name is…Bull. If you’re going to call her Terri Bullshit, you’ve got the wrong punch line I mind. Just Terri Bull will be good enough. Now say her full name really fast and you get…”terrible”! Hahahahaha! Oh, that’s so funny! But trust me, Terri Bull and Sarah Tonin have nothing in common with each other. One of them is a crazy bitch who will beat you to death with a wooden stick…and the other is a rebel clown.
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Look, I don’t mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I have to wear, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some self-righteous lucky turd come over here and treat me and Dante like we’re a couple of fucking porch monkeys!”
-Randal Graves from “Clerks II”-
Friday, June 26, 2015
Baby Looney Tunes
TV SHOW TITLE: Baby Looney Tunes
CREATOR: Warner Brothers Staff
YEARS ACTIVE: 2001-2002
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
Before they became cartoon icons, the Looney Tunes were just little babies in diapers trying to figure out the world with the help of Granny. They played together, they learned together, they even have little adventures together. The usual antics of the Looney Tunes such as dynamite, shotguns, and other slapstick moments have been replaced with bouncy and playful comedy as well as the development of these little kids’ imaginations.
I realize that the show is rated TV-Y and that it’s intended for children with single digit ages, not Generation Y members like me. I have nothing to gain from the lessons taught in these episodes because I’ve seen it all. But darn it, those little Looney Tune babies are so cute! Teeny tiny little animal children bouncing around and playing in little cloth diapers! I usually get this giddy when I visit the Humane Society and check out all of their kitties and puppies.
I wish there was a Humane Society for the Looney Tunes, because I’d scoop up Baby Bugs Bunny and rock him back and forth until he fell asleep and drooled on my arms! Aww!! I’d give Tazz a belly rub, I’d give Sylvester an ear scratch, and I’d even play with Daffy Duck’s bill! This show gets a passing grade just for the cuteness overload. Death by cuteness: what a way to go. Hehe!
From an educational perspective, the lessons learned by the little Looney Tunies at the end of every episode are actually useful to human children. Share your toys, exercise your imagination, be nice to each other, try new things, these are all ideals that parents try hard enough to pass onto their children. And now you have a cute and cuddly show like Baby Looney Tunes passing on these important values that permeate all belief systems.
The one lesson out of the items I’ve listed that I believe is most important is to exercise your creativity when you’re young. It all begins when you’re a little guy and you see something in a book or TV show that excites you and inspires your imagination.
There’s another lesson I’d like to add to that: don’t let anybody ridicule you for having a vivid imagination in the first place. Growing up to be a dull and boring person stems from such negativity. Look at the Looney Tunes all grown up now: do they look boring and dull to you? No, and it’s because Granny nurtured their little minds every step of the way and never told them they couldn’t do something (unless it was dangerous to themselves or other people).
I’ve earned the reputation of being a giant man baby around the house. I watch TV-Y and TV-Y7 rated shows and I find cuteness in everything those shows provide me. If you gain the same reputation for watching Baby Looney Tunes, embrace it. Embrace your inner child and never grow up. The real world is a cold and lonely place. But inside your overactive imagination, there’s a spiritual force that will never let you down.
CREATOR: Warner Brothers Staff
YEARS ACTIVE: 2001-2002
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
Before they became cartoon icons, the Looney Tunes were just little babies in diapers trying to figure out the world with the help of Granny. They played together, they learned together, they even have little adventures together. The usual antics of the Looney Tunes such as dynamite, shotguns, and other slapstick moments have been replaced with bouncy and playful comedy as well as the development of these little kids’ imaginations.
I realize that the show is rated TV-Y and that it’s intended for children with single digit ages, not Generation Y members like me. I have nothing to gain from the lessons taught in these episodes because I’ve seen it all. But darn it, those little Looney Tune babies are so cute! Teeny tiny little animal children bouncing around and playing in little cloth diapers! I usually get this giddy when I visit the Humane Society and check out all of their kitties and puppies.
I wish there was a Humane Society for the Looney Tunes, because I’d scoop up Baby Bugs Bunny and rock him back and forth until he fell asleep and drooled on my arms! Aww!! I’d give Tazz a belly rub, I’d give Sylvester an ear scratch, and I’d even play with Daffy Duck’s bill! This show gets a passing grade just for the cuteness overload. Death by cuteness: what a way to go. Hehe!
From an educational perspective, the lessons learned by the little Looney Tunies at the end of every episode are actually useful to human children. Share your toys, exercise your imagination, be nice to each other, try new things, these are all ideals that parents try hard enough to pass onto their children. And now you have a cute and cuddly show like Baby Looney Tunes passing on these important values that permeate all belief systems.
The one lesson out of the items I’ve listed that I believe is most important is to exercise your creativity when you’re young. It all begins when you’re a little guy and you see something in a book or TV show that excites you and inspires your imagination.
There’s another lesson I’d like to add to that: don’t let anybody ridicule you for having a vivid imagination in the first place. Growing up to be a dull and boring person stems from such negativity. Look at the Looney Tunes all grown up now: do they look boring and dull to you? No, and it’s because Granny nurtured their little minds every step of the way and never told them they couldn’t do something (unless it was dangerous to themselves or other people).
I’ve earned the reputation of being a giant man baby around the house. I watch TV-Y and TV-Y7 rated shows and I find cuteness in everything those shows provide me. If you gain the same reputation for watching Baby Looney Tunes, embrace it. Embrace your inner child and never grow up. The real world is a cold and lonely place. But inside your overactive imagination, there’s a spiritual force that will never let you down.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
"Wish You Were Here" by Rita Mae Brown
BOOK TITLE: Wish You Were Here: A Mrs. Murphy Mystery
AUTHOR: Rita Mae Brown & Sneaky Pie Brown
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery
GRADE: Mixed
In the teeny tiny town of Crozet, Virginia, everybody knows and trusts each other, which is what makes the murders of several townsfolk easy for the killer to cover up. It could literally be anyone. Aside from the local police, on the case is Mary Minor “Harry” Haristeen, a divorcee mail sorter with a tiger kitty named Mrs. Murphy and a Welsh Corgi named Tee Tucker. Harry believes she’s getting closer to the truth behind the murders, but not nearly as close as her own pets, who have more sense than most humans do.
Speaking of that last sentence, that’s actually one of the things that makes this book so enjoyable. In between sniffing out clues and helping their nearly brain dead owner, Mrs. Murphy and Tucker have conversations with the animals about how dumb humans are and many of the things they say are true. Humans can advance technology to its absolute limit, but they still kill each other over stupid things, get married to the wrong people, spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need, the list is as endless as time itself. I wouldn’t mind having these little cuties on an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. Hell, they make more sense than pretty much every whacko who sits at that panel.
Aside from being dead on in their assessments of humans, Mrs. Murphy, Tucker, and company are just so darn cute! They roll over, play with paper, do acrobatics, and everything else that makes animals so much fun to own. Yes, they occasionally break lamps and rip up necessary papers, but that doesn’t make the little critters any less cute. I wouldn’t mind having Mrs. Murphy on my lap purring her head off while I feed her Temptations Kitty Treats. Aww!!
But just like with anything I give a mixed grade (or three stars) to, there are some minor complaints I need to deal with. I realize this book was published in 1990 and it’s not Rita Mae Brown’s fault she was born in the generation she was. But her age shows in this novel. The gossip among the women, the old-time traditions, the social elite statuses, even the character’s names make the book hard for younger readers to relate to. Is Haristeen even a real last name? I’m not sure, because as I type it out on my computer, there’s a squiggly red line underneath. And Hogendobber? Isn’t that the name of an ice cream brand? And who in the hell names their smoking hot daughter BoomBoom? I realize the novel is set in a small town, but this is taking small town stereotypes to an entirely different level.
Despite its minor faults, this is actually an enjoyable read. The mystery is well-constructed and when you eventually find out the whos, whys, and hows of it all, it will take you by surprise. I had a hard time piecing everything together at first, but it all made sense at the very end. If you like animal cuties or if you just want a good murder mystery, check out this book. And by the way, if you get a postcard in your mailbox with a tombstone on it that says, “Wish you were here”, you’d better run like hell!
AUTHOR: Rita Mae Brown & Sneaky Pie Brown
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery
GRADE: Mixed
In the teeny tiny town of Crozet, Virginia, everybody knows and trusts each other, which is what makes the murders of several townsfolk easy for the killer to cover up. It could literally be anyone. Aside from the local police, on the case is Mary Minor “Harry” Haristeen, a divorcee mail sorter with a tiger kitty named Mrs. Murphy and a Welsh Corgi named Tee Tucker. Harry believes she’s getting closer to the truth behind the murders, but not nearly as close as her own pets, who have more sense than most humans do.
Speaking of that last sentence, that’s actually one of the things that makes this book so enjoyable. In between sniffing out clues and helping their nearly brain dead owner, Mrs. Murphy and Tucker have conversations with the animals about how dumb humans are and many of the things they say are true. Humans can advance technology to its absolute limit, but they still kill each other over stupid things, get married to the wrong people, spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need, the list is as endless as time itself. I wouldn’t mind having these little cuties on an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. Hell, they make more sense than pretty much every whacko who sits at that panel.
Aside from being dead on in their assessments of humans, Mrs. Murphy, Tucker, and company are just so darn cute! They roll over, play with paper, do acrobatics, and everything else that makes animals so much fun to own. Yes, they occasionally break lamps and rip up necessary papers, but that doesn’t make the little critters any less cute. I wouldn’t mind having Mrs. Murphy on my lap purring her head off while I feed her Temptations Kitty Treats. Aww!!
But just like with anything I give a mixed grade (or three stars) to, there are some minor complaints I need to deal with. I realize this book was published in 1990 and it’s not Rita Mae Brown’s fault she was born in the generation she was. But her age shows in this novel. The gossip among the women, the old-time traditions, the social elite statuses, even the character’s names make the book hard for younger readers to relate to. Is Haristeen even a real last name? I’m not sure, because as I type it out on my computer, there’s a squiggly red line underneath. And Hogendobber? Isn’t that the name of an ice cream brand? And who in the hell names their smoking hot daughter BoomBoom? I realize the novel is set in a small town, but this is taking small town stereotypes to an entirely different level.
Despite its minor faults, this is actually an enjoyable read. The mystery is well-constructed and when you eventually find out the whos, whys, and hows of it all, it will take you by surprise. I had a hard time piecing everything together at first, but it all made sense at the very end. If you like animal cuties or if you just want a good murder mystery, check out this book. And by the way, if you get a postcard in your mailbox with a tombstone on it that says, “Wish you were here”, you’d better run like hell!
Friday, June 19, 2015
The Broken Skull Mercenaries
TEAM NAME: The Broken Skull Mercenaries
TEAM MEMBERS: Andrew Bradley, Mitch O’Connor, Jill Henderson, and Mattie Dent
OCCUPATION: Mercenaries
CANON: Garden of Evil
For those of you who actually read Garden of Evil back in 2012/2013, to clear up any confusion, Andrew Bradley, the unofficial leader of this team, used to be named Andy Bryan. His name was tweaked because I already have enough characters in my archives with the last name Bryan (Mario, Wade, Tina, Chris, etc.). I just thought I’d throw that disclaimer out there for those who really are concerned, which might be a small number of people, but they’re people nonetheless. Anyways, on with the show!
Garden of Evil started out with two scientists combing through the mercenaries’ permanent records and being scared out of their mind by what they say. Aside from the fact that these mercenaries had scars all over their faces along with bad haircuts and bad dental hygiene, they’ve also been involved in a number of mass murders (long before they met and became mercenaries). Other charges included rape, torture, kidnapping, human trafficking, and drug distribution. All of these charges rolled up into one would send a normal human being to prison for a sentence that lasted a millennium.
But instead, being stranded on Mars with a bunch of bloodthirsty dinosaurs would be a better answer for these psychotic pariahs. They thought they were going there for a fruit plucking mission to sustain earth’s food supply. Hell, they even laughed about it because the mission assignment had the word “fruit” in it, which is also a homophobic slur. But once their ship touched down on Mars’ surface and the mercenaries got out, their ship flew away on its own and pretty much left the four criminals to their own devices.
If there was ever a time for good teamwork and unconditional cooperation, this would be it. The dinosaurs are fucking huge and fucking nasty. They consider tiny humans like The Broken Skull Mercenaries to be breath mints. While Mitch O’Connor is down with the idea of watching each other’s backs, Andrew Bradley becomes a selfish leader and is willing to sacrifice his own teammates to ensure his safety. Apparently, Mr. Bradley isn’t quite used to the fact that he’s stranded on Mars forever and isn’t going back to earth anytime soon.
Because of Andrew’s arrogance, Mattie Dent and Jill Henderson become his sacrificial pawns and die saving his life. Jill and Mattie are no angels, but they clearly deserved better treatment from someone they’ve worked with for many years now. Mitch O’Connor wasn’t going to have any of it, though. As soon as Mitch discovered that the “fruits” were actually quick-acting steroids that gave humans a fighting chance against dinosaurs, he took them all for himself while Andrew was left to die on the ground with a fractured spine. Jill and Mattie had already been killed, so it was too late for Mitch to save them. But in his mind, living on Mars and psychotically slaughtering a bunch of dinosaurs was his idea of paradise. Turns out dinosaur meat tastes like chicken.
Garden of Evil made for some badass science fiction. There was lots of bloodshed and lots of high-octane action. But unfortunately, gratuitous violence is not an automatic recipe for success unless you’re watching WWE or UFC. In the world of literature, Garden of Evil would have been laughed at by snot-nosed editors around the world. Not only are The Broken Skull Mercenaries far from sympathetic in their villainy, but the pace of the writing doesn’t keep up with all of the hardcore violence.
I’ve gotten better at writing faster-paced stories, but I’d still like to have something to do with these four insane criminals. That’s why if they get used again, they won’t be the protagonists since there’s absolutely nothing the readers can relate to. After all, my target audience for these four isn’t the entire roster of a super max prison. If they’re going to be characters in my stories, they have to absolutely be antagonists. They’re Complete Monsters whom I’m pretty sure everybody wants to see die brutal deaths. Well, I’m all about customer service, so if they’re going to die, they’re going to die…but not without a blood-soaked battle! Dun-dun-dun!
***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) decided all by themselves that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment of the constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. Reverend Donald Wildmon heard something on the radio he didn’t like. Hey, Reverend! Did you know that there are two knobs on the radio? One of them turns the radio on and off and the other changes the station. Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in your local library, Reverend, if you have any left after you’ve finished burning all the books!”
-George Carlin-
TEAM MEMBERS: Andrew Bradley, Mitch O’Connor, Jill Henderson, and Mattie Dent
OCCUPATION: Mercenaries
CANON: Garden of Evil
For those of you who actually read Garden of Evil back in 2012/2013, to clear up any confusion, Andrew Bradley, the unofficial leader of this team, used to be named Andy Bryan. His name was tweaked because I already have enough characters in my archives with the last name Bryan (Mario, Wade, Tina, Chris, etc.). I just thought I’d throw that disclaimer out there for those who really are concerned, which might be a small number of people, but they’re people nonetheless. Anyways, on with the show!
Garden of Evil started out with two scientists combing through the mercenaries’ permanent records and being scared out of their mind by what they say. Aside from the fact that these mercenaries had scars all over their faces along with bad haircuts and bad dental hygiene, they’ve also been involved in a number of mass murders (long before they met and became mercenaries). Other charges included rape, torture, kidnapping, human trafficking, and drug distribution. All of these charges rolled up into one would send a normal human being to prison for a sentence that lasted a millennium.
But instead, being stranded on Mars with a bunch of bloodthirsty dinosaurs would be a better answer for these psychotic pariahs. They thought they were going there for a fruit plucking mission to sustain earth’s food supply. Hell, they even laughed about it because the mission assignment had the word “fruit” in it, which is also a homophobic slur. But once their ship touched down on Mars’ surface and the mercenaries got out, their ship flew away on its own and pretty much left the four criminals to their own devices.
If there was ever a time for good teamwork and unconditional cooperation, this would be it. The dinosaurs are fucking huge and fucking nasty. They consider tiny humans like The Broken Skull Mercenaries to be breath mints. While Mitch O’Connor is down with the idea of watching each other’s backs, Andrew Bradley becomes a selfish leader and is willing to sacrifice his own teammates to ensure his safety. Apparently, Mr. Bradley isn’t quite used to the fact that he’s stranded on Mars forever and isn’t going back to earth anytime soon.
Because of Andrew’s arrogance, Mattie Dent and Jill Henderson become his sacrificial pawns and die saving his life. Jill and Mattie are no angels, but they clearly deserved better treatment from someone they’ve worked with for many years now. Mitch O’Connor wasn’t going to have any of it, though. As soon as Mitch discovered that the “fruits” were actually quick-acting steroids that gave humans a fighting chance against dinosaurs, he took them all for himself while Andrew was left to die on the ground with a fractured spine. Jill and Mattie had already been killed, so it was too late for Mitch to save them. But in his mind, living on Mars and psychotically slaughtering a bunch of dinosaurs was his idea of paradise. Turns out dinosaur meat tastes like chicken.
Garden of Evil made for some badass science fiction. There was lots of bloodshed and lots of high-octane action. But unfortunately, gratuitous violence is not an automatic recipe for success unless you’re watching WWE or UFC. In the world of literature, Garden of Evil would have been laughed at by snot-nosed editors around the world. Not only are The Broken Skull Mercenaries far from sympathetic in their villainy, but the pace of the writing doesn’t keep up with all of the hardcore violence.
I’ve gotten better at writing faster-paced stories, but I’d still like to have something to do with these four insane criminals. That’s why if they get used again, they won’t be the protagonists since there’s absolutely nothing the readers can relate to. After all, my target audience for these four isn’t the entire roster of a super max prison. If they’re going to be characters in my stories, they have to absolutely be antagonists. They’re Complete Monsters whom I’m pretty sure everybody wants to see die brutal deaths. Well, I’m all about customer service, so if they’re going to die, they’re going to die…but not without a blood-soaked battle! Dun-dun-dun!
***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) decided all by themselves that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment of the constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. Reverend Donald Wildmon heard something on the radio he didn’t like. Hey, Reverend! Did you know that there are two knobs on the radio? One of them turns the radio on and off and the other changes the station. Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in your local library, Reverend, if you have any left after you’ve finished burning all the books!”
-George Carlin-
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
WWE Fast Lane: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan to determine the number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.
The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.
Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.
On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.
The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.
And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.
But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.
After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.
Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.
Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.
At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.
The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.
Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.
On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.
The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.
And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.
But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.
After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.
Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.
Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.
At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Ed, Edd, n' Eddy
TV SHOW TITLE: Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy
CREATOR: Danny Antonucci
YEARS ACTIVE: 1999-2009
GENRE: Animated Comedy
RATING: TV-Y7 for crude humor
GRADE: Pass
In the crazy cul-de-sac of Peach Creek, three preteen boys aptly named Ed, Edd (Double D), and Eddy try to scam the other children out of their allowances with elaborate services and crude goods. Their scams always end up in a disastrous failure either because the kids catch on, Ed botches the whole thing, or the infamous Kanker Sisters gatecrash their way through the episodes. Sometimes the episode doesn’t truly start until after the scam has failed, in which case a hilarious adventure filled with slapstick comedy is in store for the three Ed’s, which also most of the time ends horribly for the slippery rogues.
When going through a list of things to like about this series, the characters are at the top, especially when talking about the three Ed’s. Even though they share a variation of the name Edward and are best friends until the end, the three kids couldn’t be more polarizing in terms of personality and how they interact with the other kids. Ed is the dunderheaded muscle of the group, Double D is the scrawny brains, and Eddy is the loudmouthed hustler who comes up with every scam the three attempt. Their opposing personalities mesh so well together that the comedy can come from any angle. It’s part of the reason why the show stayed fresh for a whole decade before it was ended.
Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for five other characters who occupy the show. It’s rare for me to lodge complaints at mediums that I give a passing grade to, but these five characters in question warrant it. The three Kanker Sisters are at the top of any watcher’s shit list. They claim to have romantic crushes on the Ed’s, but come off as bullies when they try to get their attention, leading them to look like rapists or molesters. Then you have the stereotypical jock Kevin, who’s always calling the Ed’s “dorks” and finding other ways to harass them. The fifth character in question has earned every B-word the audience thinks of calling her. Her name is Sarah and she’s the bratty, spoiled, loud, and violent little sister of Ed. It’s rare to see justice served to these five jerks, but when it happens, it’s sweet to watch. Remember the episode where Ed was in a grumpy mood, so he yelled at Sarah and turned Eddy into a baseball bat before knocking Kevin out of the park? If only he could do those things to the Kanker Sisters.
In addition to the wild antics of each character and the comedy that spawns from it, there’s also a little bit of mystique when it comes to the show. Aside from the regular roster of characters, no other children are on the show, not even as extras. The only way we would ever see an adult on the show is if their arms and legs are showing, but little else. It’s because of this mystique that I keep watching the show when new episodes are out; I keep secretly hoping to see an adult or other character.
My wishes were answered during the final episode of Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy, which was an hour-long TV movie called The Ed’s Big Picture Show. Prior to this conclusion to the series, Eddy was always bragging about how his older brother was so cool and how he struck fear in the hearts of other children. When Eddy’s nameless brother finally appears on screen, he turns out to be a sadistic bully who torments Eddy in front of the other kids. The brother is eventually taken out by a swinging trailer door and Eddy apologizes to the other kids for every scam he created in his sibling’s name. The end of the TV movie shows the cul-de-sac kids accepting the apology and making the Ed’s their best friends. It was a heartwarming ending to a series where failure is part of the crude humor.
Having this series as a part of my life for a decade makes me wonder if Danny Antonucci is going to create any other series that are as good or better than Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy. I haven’t heard anything as of late, which is sad, because Mr. Antonucci is a talented cartoonist who not only created a television show, but a piece of his soul, which is corny to say, but I said it anyways. Come back, Danny! Come back!
CREATOR: Danny Antonucci
YEARS ACTIVE: 1999-2009
GENRE: Animated Comedy
RATING: TV-Y7 for crude humor
GRADE: Pass
In the crazy cul-de-sac of Peach Creek, three preteen boys aptly named Ed, Edd (Double D), and Eddy try to scam the other children out of their allowances with elaborate services and crude goods. Their scams always end up in a disastrous failure either because the kids catch on, Ed botches the whole thing, or the infamous Kanker Sisters gatecrash their way through the episodes. Sometimes the episode doesn’t truly start until after the scam has failed, in which case a hilarious adventure filled with slapstick comedy is in store for the three Ed’s, which also most of the time ends horribly for the slippery rogues.
When going through a list of things to like about this series, the characters are at the top, especially when talking about the three Ed’s. Even though they share a variation of the name Edward and are best friends until the end, the three kids couldn’t be more polarizing in terms of personality and how they interact with the other kids. Ed is the dunderheaded muscle of the group, Double D is the scrawny brains, and Eddy is the loudmouthed hustler who comes up with every scam the three attempt. Their opposing personalities mesh so well together that the comedy can come from any angle. It’s part of the reason why the show stayed fresh for a whole decade before it was ended.
Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for five other characters who occupy the show. It’s rare for me to lodge complaints at mediums that I give a passing grade to, but these five characters in question warrant it. The three Kanker Sisters are at the top of any watcher’s shit list. They claim to have romantic crushes on the Ed’s, but come off as bullies when they try to get their attention, leading them to look like rapists or molesters. Then you have the stereotypical jock Kevin, who’s always calling the Ed’s “dorks” and finding other ways to harass them. The fifth character in question has earned every B-word the audience thinks of calling her. Her name is Sarah and she’s the bratty, spoiled, loud, and violent little sister of Ed. It’s rare to see justice served to these five jerks, but when it happens, it’s sweet to watch. Remember the episode where Ed was in a grumpy mood, so he yelled at Sarah and turned Eddy into a baseball bat before knocking Kevin out of the park? If only he could do those things to the Kanker Sisters.
In addition to the wild antics of each character and the comedy that spawns from it, there’s also a little bit of mystique when it comes to the show. Aside from the regular roster of characters, no other children are on the show, not even as extras. The only way we would ever see an adult on the show is if their arms and legs are showing, but little else. It’s because of this mystique that I keep watching the show when new episodes are out; I keep secretly hoping to see an adult or other character.
My wishes were answered during the final episode of Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy, which was an hour-long TV movie called The Ed’s Big Picture Show. Prior to this conclusion to the series, Eddy was always bragging about how his older brother was so cool and how he struck fear in the hearts of other children. When Eddy’s nameless brother finally appears on screen, he turns out to be a sadistic bully who torments Eddy in front of the other kids. The brother is eventually taken out by a swinging trailer door and Eddy apologizes to the other kids for every scam he created in his sibling’s name. The end of the TV movie shows the cul-de-sac kids accepting the apology and making the Ed’s their best friends. It was a heartwarming ending to a series where failure is part of the crude humor.
Having this series as a part of my life for a decade makes me wonder if Danny Antonucci is going to create any other series that are as good or better than Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy. I haven’t heard anything as of late, which is sad, because Mr. Antonucci is a talented cartoonist who not only created a television show, but a piece of his soul, which is corny to say, but I said it anyways. Come back, Danny! Come back!
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Jacob Slash
NAME: Jacob Slash
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Rat Samurai Barbarian
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2
Yes, you read his occupation right: he is a humanoid rat who happens to be a samurai and a barbarian at the same time. He wears barbarian boots and barbarian armor underneath his silk samurai robe. He’s not just good with a katana; he’s a goddamn murderer. He’s so good with a katana that he carries two of them, just like a barbarian would if we were talking about Diablo II. Jacob Slash has all the right tools it takes to be a villainous warrior. He’s dual classed, he’s a hideous rodent who smells like sewage and cheese, and his last name is Slash. The only other person I know who’s named Slash is the former guitarist for Guns N’ Roses and as far as I know, he doesn’t rip the shit out of people with two big ass katana blades.
Jacob Slash was the first in what would turn out to be a whole series of anthropomorphic animal warriors who would have played the role of major bosses in Final Fantasy Hardcore 2. Unfortunately, that videogame idea never got off the ground, let alone got completed. So now what I’m left with is a whole army of animal warriors who are eager to ground and pound their way to victory. They’ll find a home somewhere, I swear!
The formula for making these intimidating bosses was simple. For the first name, I took a normal everyday name and reversed the spelling of it. For the last name, I combined two badass buzzwords that might have been used in traditional fantasy genre works. The class and species of each warrior had to be conducive to each other in some way, a good example being a hippopotamus barbarian or a wasp wizard, though mixing and matching classes and races was a random endeavour in and of itself. It’s the reason why we have half-orc paladins and pixie barbarians.
In the case of Jacob Slash, his name used to be Ekaj Hoarslash. But in today’s world, that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Ekaj sounds nice, but I want something with a little more substance, so I choose Jacob. And who in the hell would want to be known for slashing whores? That’s not a nice thing to do to our sex workers. So now this rat barbarian samurai (a mixture that still tickles me to this day) will be known as Jacob Slash, which is simple, yet no less intimidating than before.
What kind of role would a hideous creature like Jacob Slash play in a novel or short story? It’s funny I should ask myself that, because over the past few weeks, I’ve been getting back into the groove of writing a novel called Watch You Burn, which is about a schizophrenic college student named Mario Bryan who is recruited by an anime superhero named Gryace to help save the world from a disgustingly strong ogre named Sage. About that novel, I’m almost finished with the first draft. After I run the first draft through Marie Krepps’ wringer, then I could seriously contemplate writing a sequel with Jacob Slash as the lead villain.
Jacob Slash and Sage Thunderbreath have a lot in common. They both have barbaric mentalities. They’re both vomit-worthy in terms of their physical appearances. They’re unequaled when it comes to hand-to-hand and magical combat. The only difference between them, however, would have to be that Jacob is motivated by a deeper agenda than Sage. In the final stages of Watch You Burn, it’s revealed that Sage Thunderbreath does the things he does because he’s jealous of the universe’s beautiful people. Jacob want something a little less shallow: power. Fear. Recognition. Respect. Fame. Fortune. Jacob believes he can get it all through ultra-violence. He also has a serious god complex going on, which makes him even more dangerous and entitled.
Will Mario Bryan be able to withstand the punishment Sage Thunderbreath brings to every battle? That’s been debatable since the start of the story. What’s even less debatable than that is asking the same question, but with Jacob Slash as the object of the sentence. The answer is no fucking way. But that’s assuming I use Jacob in the sequel of Watch You Burn or if there even is a sequel to begin with. Surely, there are other ways in which Jacob can splatter blood across the land. He is, after all, a rat barbarian samurai, which I may not be able to say with a straight face, but is no less dangerous than a single class warrior.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DOCTOR: I am done playing these games with you! I am finished!
GANGSTER: You want out? Hell, we all do.
-Complications-
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Rat Samurai Barbarian
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2
Yes, you read his occupation right: he is a humanoid rat who happens to be a samurai and a barbarian at the same time. He wears barbarian boots and barbarian armor underneath his silk samurai robe. He’s not just good with a katana; he’s a goddamn murderer. He’s so good with a katana that he carries two of them, just like a barbarian would if we were talking about Diablo II. Jacob Slash has all the right tools it takes to be a villainous warrior. He’s dual classed, he’s a hideous rodent who smells like sewage and cheese, and his last name is Slash. The only other person I know who’s named Slash is the former guitarist for Guns N’ Roses and as far as I know, he doesn’t rip the shit out of people with two big ass katana blades.
Jacob Slash was the first in what would turn out to be a whole series of anthropomorphic animal warriors who would have played the role of major bosses in Final Fantasy Hardcore 2. Unfortunately, that videogame idea never got off the ground, let alone got completed. So now what I’m left with is a whole army of animal warriors who are eager to ground and pound their way to victory. They’ll find a home somewhere, I swear!
The formula for making these intimidating bosses was simple. For the first name, I took a normal everyday name and reversed the spelling of it. For the last name, I combined two badass buzzwords that might have been used in traditional fantasy genre works. The class and species of each warrior had to be conducive to each other in some way, a good example being a hippopotamus barbarian or a wasp wizard, though mixing and matching classes and races was a random endeavour in and of itself. It’s the reason why we have half-orc paladins and pixie barbarians.
In the case of Jacob Slash, his name used to be Ekaj Hoarslash. But in today’s world, that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Ekaj sounds nice, but I want something with a little more substance, so I choose Jacob. And who in the hell would want to be known for slashing whores? That’s not a nice thing to do to our sex workers. So now this rat barbarian samurai (a mixture that still tickles me to this day) will be known as Jacob Slash, which is simple, yet no less intimidating than before.
What kind of role would a hideous creature like Jacob Slash play in a novel or short story? It’s funny I should ask myself that, because over the past few weeks, I’ve been getting back into the groove of writing a novel called Watch You Burn, which is about a schizophrenic college student named Mario Bryan who is recruited by an anime superhero named Gryace to help save the world from a disgustingly strong ogre named Sage. About that novel, I’m almost finished with the first draft. After I run the first draft through Marie Krepps’ wringer, then I could seriously contemplate writing a sequel with Jacob Slash as the lead villain.
Jacob Slash and Sage Thunderbreath have a lot in common. They both have barbaric mentalities. They’re both vomit-worthy in terms of their physical appearances. They’re unequaled when it comes to hand-to-hand and magical combat. The only difference between them, however, would have to be that Jacob is motivated by a deeper agenda than Sage. In the final stages of Watch You Burn, it’s revealed that Sage Thunderbreath does the things he does because he’s jealous of the universe’s beautiful people. Jacob want something a little less shallow: power. Fear. Recognition. Respect. Fame. Fortune. Jacob believes he can get it all through ultra-violence. He also has a serious god complex going on, which makes him even more dangerous and entitled.
Will Mario Bryan be able to withstand the punishment Sage Thunderbreath brings to every battle? That’s been debatable since the start of the story. What’s even less debatable than that is asking the same question, but with Jacob Slash as the object of the sentence. The answer is no fucking way. But that’s assuming I use Jacob in the sequel of Watch You Burn or if there even is a sequel to begin with. Surely, there are other ways in which Jacob can splatter blood across the land. He is, after all, a rat barbarian samurai, which I may not be able to say with a straight face, but is no less dangerous than a single class warrior.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DOCTOR: I am done playing these games with you! I am finished!
GANGSTER: You want out? Hell, we all do.
-Complications-
Friday, June 12, 2015
The Four Horsemen of D&D
These four characters aren’t submitting job applications, though they may be used in future stories. Instead, they’re going to listen to my obituaries. I talk all the time about how in 2010 when I binge-played Dungeons & Dragons with Heather and TJ, four different player characters died under my watch. Every time one of these deaths happened, tears formed in my players’ eyes and RPG life wasn’t the same without them. Their spiritual essences would haunt the PC’s dreams and bring back traumatic memories as they entered their next battlefield thinking the next one could be one of them. As they say at the beginning of every episode from the Law & Order franchise, “These are their stories.”
NAME: Chris Bryan
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Human
Chris and his cousin Wade made a pact to be lifelong vegans after running away from their farm home due to the bloody treatment of innocent animals. To sustain themselves, they both signed up for the Middlesex National Guard. Both cousins graduated, but at different times in their careers. Wade went on to be a personal bodyguard for the lead PC Darthania Gaveston (controlled by Heather) while Chris joined much later. The cousins and their new PC friends were inseparable. And then one night, their world turned black (not that it already wasn’t in a crime-infested place like Middlesex). Middlesex Fighting Championship, the main MMA enterprise of the D&D campaign, was blocking traffic because ticket sales to their most recent event were skyrocketing. In a fit of road rage, one of the MMA stars, Glenn Allen, tried to run over several innocent people while honking at them. It took Chris, Wade, and an elf paladin named Windham Farrell to subdue Mr. Allen. Unfortunately, Chris was the recipient of several unanswered kicks to the ribs and died of suffocation. Wade was so devastated by his cousin and best friend’s death that he thought about quitting the bodyguard business until his mentor, Zell Jardine, convinced him to do a commercial promoting National Guard membership on the basis that they rescue animals from their abusers. Wade did as he was told, but described it as the most sobering experience in his life. Poor guy.
NAME: Gerard Killings
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Human
NAME: Kurt Blades
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Panther
Zell Jardine, the founder of the leftwing terrorist organization The Trench Coat Militia, trained a lot of people in his lifetime into becoming badass soldiers with his ruthless drill instructor mentality. But of all those people, he only had four he considered his best pupils. Gerard and Kurt were among those four people, the other two being a human fighter named Ethan Stryker and a troll fighter named Michael Heaven. Together, the Trench Coat Militia changed the city of Middlesex from a dictatorship to a democracy, but not without shedding a shit ton of blood along the way with their machetes. But when you bring about change with violence, you can expect more violence as you can guess from the deaths of Gerard Killings and Kurt Blades. Both warriors died defending different MMA events from terror organizations and criminal gangs. The difference between the two deaths is that Gerard had a 19-year-old son named Jason who signed up after his father died. Kurt Blades had no family and died in obscurity. Kurt even visited one of the PC’s, a half-orc barbarian named Agrusk Xis (controlled by TJ), in his dreams and asked a profound question, “Why, sweet God, why?!” Agrusk couldn’t come up with an answer even if he was awake and alert.
NAME: India Malakar
LEVEL: 2
CLASS: Monk
RACE: Elf
Considering the fact that India was an elf with a negative constitution modifier and a warrior class, his death shouldn’t have come as a surprise. What was really surprising was how this guy became the longest reigning MFC Welterweight Champion of all time before losing the gold to Agrusk Xis? A negative constitution modifier is detrimental to the work of a mixed-martial artist since most of what they do centers around their conditioning. In gaming terms, India was a level two character with only 7 hit points. This made absolutely perfect sense at the time I played with him, but it doesn’t make sense anymore. Before turning to MMA as a source of income, Brutus Warcry (a human barbarian that I controlled) along with his wife Darthania (Heather’s half-elf wizard) and best friend Agrusk Xis (TJ’s half-orc barbarian) needed help capturing wanted criminals around Middlesex and turning them in to the authorities for bounty money. These criminals could blow the shit out of populations with nail bombs or they could just slash everyone they see to pieces. They were too dangerous for one person to take on alone. India gladly lent his help and surprisingly did a good job of it. But when bounty hunting became too much of a dangerous chore, India was the one person who recommended Brutus, Agrusk, and Darthania become involved with mixed-martial arts, which is much safer and much more regulated by comparison. Brutus became the MFC’s Heavyweight Champion, Agrusk as I’ve said before became the Welterweight Champion, and Darthania became the Vice President of the company. They did well for themselves, unlike India who while helping his new friends fight off terrorists died after having his throat slit by a rat warrior. India’s death was the first to take place among the official PC’s, so everybody in the game took it hard. Even Agrusk, a macho half-orc, was blubbering as he tended to India’s dying corpse.
Four dead player characters from a Dungeons & Dragons campaign in 2010. But death is only the beginning. The greatest thing about being a fictional character from another canon is that there are always extra chances. Instead of rotting in the Middlesex Cemetery, these four are in the unemployment line of my imagination. But don’t worry, they’ll find work soon enough. They always do.
NAME: Chris Bryan
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Human
Chris and his cousin Wade made a pact to be lifelong vegans after running away from their farm home due to the bloody treatment of innocent animals. To sustain themselves, they both signed up for the Middlesex National Guard. Both cousins graduated, but at different times in their careers. Wade went on to be a personal bodyguard for the lead PC Darthania Gaveston (controlled by Heather) while Chris joined much later. The cousins and their new PC friends were inseparable. And then one night, their world turned black (not that it already wasn’t in a crime-infested place like Middlesex). Middlesex Fighting Championship, the main MMA enterprise of the D&D campaign, was blocking traffic because ticket sales to their most recent event were skyrocketing. In a fit of road rage, one of the MMA stars, Glenn Allen, tried to run over several innocent people while honking at them. It took Chris, Wade, and an elf paladin named Windham Farrell to subdue Mr. Allen. Unfortunately, Chris was the recipient of several unanswered kicks to the ribs and died of suffocation. Wade was so devastated by his cousin and best friend’s death that he thought about quitting the bodyguard business until his mentor, Zell Jardine, convinced him to do a commercial promoting National Guard membership on the basis that they rescue animals from their abusers. Wade did as he was told, but described it as the most sobering experience in his life. Poor guy.
NAME: Gerard Killings
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Human
NAME: Kurt Blades
LEVEL: 3
CLASS: Fighter
RACE: Panther
Zell Jardine, the founder of the leftwing terrorist organization The Trench Coat Militia, trained a lot of people in his lifetime into becoming badass soldiers with his ruthless drill instructor mentality. But of all those people, he only had four he considered his best pupils. Gerard and Kurt were among those four people, the other two being a human fighter named Ethan Stryker and a troll fighter named Michael Heaven. Together, the Trench Coat Militia changed the city of Middlesex from a dictatorship to a democracy, but not without shedding a shit ton of blood along the way with their machetes. But when you bring about change with violence, you can expect more violence as you can guess from the deaths of Gerard Killings and Kurt Blades. Both warriors died defending different MMA events from terror organizations and criminal gangs. The difference between the two deaths is that Gerard had a 19-year-old son named Jason who signed up after his father died. Kurt Blades had no family and died in obscurity. Kurt even visited one of the PC’s, a half-orc barbarian named Agrusk Xis (controlled by TJ), in his dreams and asked a profound question, “Why, sweet God, why?!” Agrusk couldn’t come up with an answer even if he was awake and alert.
NAME: India Malakar
LEVEL: 2
CLASS: Monk
RACE: Elf
Considering the fact that India was an elf with a negative constitution modifier and a warrior class, his death shouldn’t have come as a surprise. What was really surprising was how this guy became the longest reigning MFC Welterweight Champion of all time before losing the gold to Agrusk Xis? A negative constitution modifier is detrimental to the work of a mixed-martial artist since most of what they do centers around their conditioning. In gaming terms, India was a level two character with only 7 hit points. This made absolutely perfect sense at the time I played with him, but it doesn’t make sense anymore. Before turning to MMA as a source of income, Brutus Warcry (a human barbarian that I controlled) along with his wife Darthania (Heather’s half-elf wizard) and best friend Agrusk Xis (TJ’s half-orc barbarian) needed help capturing wanted criminals around Middlesex and turning them in to the authorities for bounty money. These criminals could blow the shit out of populations with nail bombs or they could just slash everyone they see to pieces. They were too dangerous for one person to take on alone. India gladly lent his help and surprisingly did a good job of it. But when bounty hunting became too much of a dangerous chore, India was the one person who recommended Brutus, Agrusk, and Darthania become involved with mixed-martial arts, which is much safer and much more regulated by comparison. Brutus became the MFC’s Heavyweight Champion, Agrusk as I’ve said before became the Welterweight Champion, and Darthania became the Vice President of the company. They did well for themselves, unlike India who while helping his new friends fight off terrorists died after having his throat slit by a rat warrior. India’s death was the first to take place among the official PC’s, so everybody in the game took it hard. Even Agrusk, a macho half-orc, was blubbering as he tended to India’s dying corpse.
Four dead player characters from a Dungeons & Dragons campaign in 2010. But death is only the beginning. The greatest thing about being a fictional character from another canon is that there are always extra chances. Instead of rotting in the Middlesex Cemetery, these four are in the unemployment line of my imagination. But don’t worry, they’ll find work soon enough. They always do.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
WWE Payback: John Cena vs. Rusev
MATCH: John Cena vs. Rusev in an “I Quit” match for Cena’s United States Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).
To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.
By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.
The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.
And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!
The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.
Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.
The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.
As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.
The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).
To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.
By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.
The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.
And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!
The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.
Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.
The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.
As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.
The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Tony Wayne
NAME: Tony Wayne
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man
If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.
Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.
The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.
You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.
Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.
I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.
Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”
-Jerry Lawler-
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man
If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.
Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.
The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.
You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.
Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.
I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.
Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”
-Jerry Lawler-
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Sonya Jade
NAME: Sonya Jade
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Student
CANON: Beauty and the Barbarian
As humans looking for a loving companion, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to find a balance between romance and shallowness. We all have shallow instincts whether we want financial stability or physical beauty from our significant other. And then you have a woman like Sonya Jade, who recently got “fired” from a short story that was included in the now defunct anthology Dragon Machinegun, “Beauty and the Barbarian”. Her claim to fame would have been the fantasy genre’s most shallow woman if she actually rose to that level of notoriety.
Sonya was the beauty, obviously, and the barbarian was a super handsome gentleman named Ogre Bladefist. Sonya found herself in trouble no matter where she went. She was almost molested by a group of goblins after leaving a tavern drunk as a skunk. She was also bloodily spanked by a group of teachers and schoolmasters at a religious college. Who would rescue her from both of these brutal assaults? Ogre, no less. In addition to being easy on the eyes, he was also a vicious fighter who shattered bones with the laziest of efforts. A muscle-bound stud with ponytail hair and overly protective fighting skills? Cha-ching! Sonya scored big time!
Sonya would have spent the rest of the night in bed pleasuring herself if it hadn’t been for Ogre sneaking into her cottage and…(clears throat)…”giving her a hand with that”. The orgasm of the century was on the horizon until a bitchy old witch named Rose Lovelace tracked Ogre down and turned him into the most hideous monster she could think of. Brown razor teeth, shit-covered fur, constant green drool…basically, all of the things in a monster that gave Sonya nightmares and nausea fits. Could she still love her man after all of this?
Therein lies the question of the day. If she was really the deep thinking, three-dimensional character we all want to get behind (in more ways than sodomy), then she would have stayed with Ogre until the very end. But she didn’t. She immediately demanded that her man sneak into Rose Lovelace’s castle and abscond a cure for his ugliness. After an uphill battle with the nearly indestructible Rose, Ogre found the cure, but chose not to stay with Sonya after she showed her true colors. To be honest, I couldn’t blame him for the choice he made and my readers probably couldn’t either.
So there you have it: a harsh way of telling my audience to choose everlasting love and a beautiful soul over something as temporary as good looks and an oversized bank account. As someone with a round tummy and no employment history, I’ve been preaching this message for a long, long time. Am I biased? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean the message can’t have any meaning. Unfortunately, due to the piss-poor writing style I used to write “Beauty and the Barbarian”, it never saw the fame and fortune it could have potentially had.
Besides, what could I truly do with a woman like Sonya Jade? Her shallow point of view doesn’t make her very sympathetic. But her beauty could be an asset to someone for reasons other than animalistic sex. She has long purple hair, milky white skin, rose red lips, and irises that live up to her last name. That, and she happens to be a passionate lover. I could see Sonya Jade being a seductive rogue character in a D&D campaign. She could use her beauty and passion to make men (and lesbian women) fall in love with her while Sonya steals their riches right from under their noses.
And then to really make her three-dimensional, she could donate her treasure to a worthy cause such as protecting animals from being abused or giving shelter to rape victims who want to run away from their own abusers. As my lovely beta reader Marie Krepps once said, “Talk dirty to me!” Of course, she wasn’t trying to come on to me; she was merely suggesting that my ideas were good. I hope she likes this idea as well!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are millions of fine-looking women in the world. They won’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them will just cheat on you.”
-Silent Bob from “Clerks”-
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Student
CANON: Beauty and the Barbarian
As humans looking for a loving companion, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to find a balance between romance and shallowness. We all have shallow instincts whether we want financial stability or physical beauty from our significant other. And then you have a woman like Sonya Jade, who recently got “fired” from a short story that was included in the now defunct anthology Dragon Machinegun, “Beauty and the Barbarian”. Her claim to fame would have been the fantasy genre’s most shallow woman if she actually rose to that level of notoriety.
Sonya was the beauty, obviously, and the barbarian was a super handsome gentleman named Ogre Bladefist. Sonya found herself in trouble no matter where she went. She was almost molested by a group of goblins after leaving a tavern drunk as a skunk. She was also bloodily spanked by a group of teachers and schoolmasters at a religious college. Who would rescue her from both of these brutal assaults? Ogre, no less. In addition to being easy on the eyes, he was also a vicious fighter who shattered bones with the laziest of efforts. A muscle-bound stud with ponytail hair and overly protective fighting skills? Cha-ching! Sonya scored big time!
Sonya would have spent the rest of the night in bed pleasuring herself if it hadn’t been for Ogre sneaking into her cottage and…(clears throat)…”giving her a hand with that”. The orgasm of the century was on the horizon until a bitchy old witch named Rose Lovelace tracked Ogre down and turned him into the most hideous monster she could think of. Brown razor teeth, shit-covered fur, constant green drool…basically, all of the things in a monster that gave Sonya nightmares and nausea fits. Could she still love her man after all of this?
Therein lies the question of the day. If she was really the deep thinking, three-dimensional character we all want to get behind (in more ways than sodomy), then she would have stayed with Ogre until the very end. But she didn’t. She immediately demanded that her man sneak into Rose Lovelace’s castle and abscond a cure for his ugliness. After an uphill battle with the nearly indestructible Rose, Ogre found the cure, but chose not to stay with Sonya after she showed her true colors. To be honest, I couldn’t blame him for the choice he made and my readers probably couldn’t either.
So there you have it: a harsh way of telling my audience to choose everlasting love and a beautiful soul over something as temporary as good looks and an oversized bank account. As someone with a round tummy and no employment history, I’ve been preaching this message for a long, long time. Am I biased? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean the message can’t have any meaning. Unfortunately, due to the piss-poor writing style I used to write “Beauty and the Barbarian”, it never saw the fame and fortune it could have potentially had.
Besides, what could I truly do with a woman like Sonya Jade? Her shallow point of view doesn’t make her very sympathetic. But her beauty could be an asset to someone for reasons other than animalistic sex. She has long purple hair, milky white skin, rose red lips, and irises that live up to her last name. That, and she happens to be a passionate lover. I could see Sonya Jade being a seductive rogue character in a D&D campaign. She could use her beauty and passion to make men (and lesbian women) fall in love with her while Sonya steals their riches right from under their noses.
And then to really make her three-dimensional, she could donate her treasure to a worthy cause such as protecting animals from being abused or giving shelter to rape victims who want to run away from their own abusers. As my lovely beta reader Marie Krepps once said, “Talk dirty to me!” Of course, she wasn’t trying to come on to me; she was merely suggesting that my ideas were good. I hope she likes this idea as well!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are millions of fine-looking women in the world. They won’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them will just cheat on you.”
-Silent Bob from “Clerks”-
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
NCIS: Los Angeles
TV SHOW TITLE: NCIS: Los Angeles
CREATOR: Shane Brennan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2009-present
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-PG or TV-14, depending on the level of violence
GRADE: Pass
The NCIS Special Ops team solves Navy and Marine-based murders in Los Angeles using a mixture of raw firepower and technological brilliance. Every case they tackle has national security implications and creating international incidents would not be uncommon among the crooks. Through it all, this dedicated team of government agents has each other’s backs until the very end. There may be the occasional infighting, but loyalty and efficiency always come first when completing a mission.
As of today, there are three different NCIS shows: one based in Washington, DC, one based in New Orleans, and the subject of today’s review, the one based in Los Angeles. Out of all three of these franchises, Los Angeles can be considered the most action-packed, which is perfect for anyone looking to get out their primal urges. The shootouts are dramatic, the explosions are intense, the fight scenes are brutal, and every victory achieved by the NCIS team is earned with blood. Occasionally, there will be a Deus Ex Machina ending where a bunch of soldiers come in to save our agents asses, but they don’t come without a compelling explanation, hence why they’re not Deus Ex endings anymore. If you want raw action that makes Bruce Lee movies look like TV-Y snore fests, NCIS; LA is your kind of show.
But of course, no matter which part of the country NCIS is stationed, there will always be colorful characters that bring the series to life and give the audience a reason to be giddy, even if only for a few minutes before the heart-racing action begins. The two main agents are G. Callen and Sam Hanna, two guys who can have a conversation about anything and make it sound like a lot of fun. Then there are the two technical geeks, Eric Beal and Nell Jones, who can be described as delightfully nerdy and giggle-worthy. Then there are the two overseers, Director Henrietta Lange and Assistant Director Owen Granger, who while they both employ a more serious and stern conversational style, they’re still fun to watch since these are two people who make their opponents pay dearly for their sins.
I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the one partnership that everybody is starry-eyed and lovey-dovey about: Detective Marty Deeks and Special Agent Kensi Blye. Marty Deeks can be described as a smart-ass who can crack jokes at seemingly the most serious times. Kensi is the straight woman to all of Marty’s jokes. In fact, she has snarky remarks of her own that bring their chemistry to almost romantic levels on screen. NCIS: Los Angeles fans have been clamoring for these two to finally become a couple instead of just partners. After comforting each other for recent traumas they went through and being around when they need a good emotional breakdown, the fans are sooner than later going to get their chance. And when they do get together, it’s going to be television magic. The fan boys and fan girls will be doing back flips and somersaults, trust me on this one.
If a show comes on TV and it has the NCIS tag in front of it, don’t change the channel. NCIS: Los Angeles is no exception to this rule. It is fast-paced, it is witty, it is heartbreaking, and it will bring the audience and characters closer together with every episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe something out of my eye after talking about Deeks and Kensi, otherwise known as Densi.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DEEKS: Am I missing something here?
KENSI: Yeah, a cerebral cortex.
CREATOR: Shane Brennan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2009-present
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-PG or TV-14, depending on the level of violence
GRADE: Pass
The NCIS Special Ops team solves Navy and Marine-based murders in Los Angeles using a mixture of raw firepower and technological brilliance. Every case they tackle has national security implications and creating international incidents would not be uncommon among the crooks. Through it all, this dedicated team of government agents has each other’s backs until the very end. There may be the occasional infighting, but loyalty and efficiency always come first when completing a mission.
As of today, there are three different NCIS shows: one based in Washington, DC, one based in New Orleans, and the subject of today’s review, the one based in Los Angeles. Out of all three of these franchises, Los Angeles can be considered the most action-packed, which is perfect for anyone looking to get out their primal urges. The shootouts are dramatic, the explosions are intense, the fight scenes are brutal, and every victory achieved by the NCIS team is earned with blood. Occasionally, there will be a Deus Ex Machina ending where a bunch of soldiers come in to save our agents asses, but they don’t come without a compelling explanation, hence why they’re not Deus Ex endings anymore. If you want raw action that makes Bruce Lee movies look like TV-Y snore fests, NCIS; LA is your kind of show.
But of course, no matter which part of the country NCIS is stationed, there will always be colorful characters that bring the series to life and give the audience a reason to be giddy, even if only for a few minutes before the heart-racing action begins. The two main agents are G. Callen and Sam Hanna, two guys who can have a conversation about anything and make it sound like a lot of fun. Then there are the two technical geeks, Eric Beal and Nell Jones, who can be described as delightfully nerdy and giggle-worthy. Then there are the two overseers, Director Henrietta Lange and Assistant Director Owen Granger, who while they both employ a more serious and stern conversational style, they’re still fun to watch since these are two people who make their opponents pay dearly for their sins.
I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the one partnership that everybody is starry-eyed and lovey-dovey about: Detective Marty Deeks and Special Agent Kensi Blye. Marty Deeks can be described as a smart-ass who can crack jokes at seemingly the most serious times. Kensi is the straight woman to all of Marty’s jokes. In fact, she has snarky remarks of her own that bring their chemistry to almost romantic levels on screen. NCIS: Los Angeles fans have been clamoring for these two to finally become a couple instead of just partners. After comforting each other for recent traumas they went through and being around when they need a good emotional breakdown, the fans are sooner than later going to get their chance. And when they do get together, it’s going to be television magic. The fan boys and fan girls will be doing back flips and somersaults, trust me on this one.
If a show comes on TV and it has the NCIS tag in front of it, don’t change the channel. NCIS: Los Angeles is no exception to this rule. It is fast-paced, it is witty, it is heartbreaking, and it will bring the audience and characters closer together with every episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe something out of my eye after talking about Deeks and Kensi, otherwise known as Densi.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DEEKS: Am I missing something here?
KENSI: Yeah, a cerebral cortex.
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