Dude Bros

VERSE 1

Dude Bros are pretty, Dude Bros are good

Seems that all they’ve ever wanted was a Monster

Chads are having hot sex, just like they should

Seems that all the Single Pringles need a martyr

CHORUS 1

This is a call to all the pickup tuckers

And cheerleader fuckers

This is a call to all the rap metal bangers

And crystal meth takers

VERSE 2

Kyles are pretty, Kyles are cool

Seems that all they ever wanted was some Death Punch

Karens are like Kyles, but they’re just old school

They say, “Let me speak to your manager” way too much

CHORUS 2

This is a call to all the valor thieves

“Freedom is not free!”

This is a call to all the armchair quarterbacks

“Alternative facts!”

VERSE 3

Kevins are pretty, Kevins are loud

Seems that all they ever wanted was a handgun

Landons are rich kids, Landons are proud

Egos are so big, they think they’ll get a fandom

CHORUS 3

This is a call to all the manly tough guys

Draft dodgers in disguise

This is a call to all the MMA wing nuts

Tapped out to a paper cut

This is a call to all the mansplainers

Whiny complainers

This is a call to all the Dudely Dude Bros

And their bigoted prose

"Once Upon a Pastry" by Ashley Uzzell

BOOK TITLE: Once Upon a Pastry

AUTHOR: Ashley Uzzell

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Fairytale

GRADE: Pass

Fearing that her grandmother’s bakery will soon go out of business, Gertrude makes a pact with a witch named Mona to cast a spell on her that will make her the greatest baker in Linford City. The only thing Mona asks for in exchange is Gertrude’s first born child. As the bakery business draws in a comfortable amount of money, Mona gets testy about Gertrude living up to her end of the bargain. The more time the two women spend having cupcakes and donuts together, the more they realize that this deal is bigger than money or babies. They start to form an awkward attraction for each other. It’s a slow process in which past heartbreak and a war between humans and centaurs become obstacles, but one way or another, Gertrude and Mona will realize that they’re meant for each other.

Seeing as how this story revolves around a bakery and my 300 lb. body loves a good treat every now and then, I enjoyed the descriptions of the various baked goods Gertrude made. As customers, workers, and witches alike munched on cupcakes with orgasmic energy, I actually wanted to reach inside the story and take one of those frosting-covered death wishes. I could eat a hundred of them. Or a thousand. Or a million. I really should eat more vegetables and less sweets, but damn it, these colorful descriptions make me hungry! If Mona’s magic can do this much for a bakery, imagine what other restaurants can benefit from her spells. What if Mona’s magic turned a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese into a monstrous mountain of meat that oozed with grease, cheese, and tender beef that melts in your mouth (not in your hands). Mmm-mmm-mmm! My Homer Simpson glands are going nuts just thinking about it!

Another thing I loved about this book is the romantic build between Gertrude and Mona. It’s the way romance should be presented in every work of fiction: slow, steady, awkward at times, and an exciting crescendo. Seeing as how this is a piece of LGBT fiction, there’s always that chance that one or the other might not be a lesbian. If that was the case and one made a pass onto the other, it would be extremely awkward and that might have spelled the end of the deal. The slow build up to the romantic crescendo is believable in every way. People should tiptoe around each other more often since romance is a savory treat, not unlike the cupcakes Gertrude bakes on a daily basis. There are other romances in this story that worked the same way, one example being the marriage between a government soldier named Kevin and a bakery clerk named Jasper. When you read an Ashley Uzzell book, you realize that she knows what she’s talking about when it comes to matters of the heart.

One thing I was worried about was whether or not this story would tie up its loose ends by the conclusion of the story. There were times when I completely forgot that a deal was made between Gertrude and Mona where a first born baby was to be exchanged. There were times when I forgot that the centaur-human war was a central theme to the story. And then there’s that moron Trip who keeps threatening to shut down Mona’s magic shop with his own brand of wizardry. I’m happy to say that most of these loose ends are tied up, but not all of them. I would have loved to see Trip get his comeuppance in some way, shape, or form, but it seems like he was just an inconvenient monkey wrench in this bigger plot. But hey, this flaw is so minor that it’s not really worth worrying about. Just enjoy the infinite cuteness of this romantic fairytale.

If you’re looking for light reading with characters you can cheer for every step of the way, you need to grab a copy of this book. Everybody loves a feel-good story and this one will make you feel warm and toasty on the inside, just like a freshly baked donut with cinnamon glaze and pink frosting. Oh my god, there I go again, making myself hungry over a book that I read! That just goes to show you how dedicated Mrs. Uzzell is to her craft. Not one detail goes unnoticed and you have a front row seat to this beautiful story. A passing grade for an A+ author!

Ed, Edd, n' Eddy

TV SHOW TITLE: Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy
CREATOR: Danny Antonucci
YEARS ACTIVE: 1999-2009
GENRE: Animated Comedy
RATING: TV-Y7 for crude humor
GRADE: Pass


In the crazy cul-de-sac of Peach Creek, three preteen boys aptly named Ed, Edd (Double D), and Eddy try to scam the other children out of their allowances with elaborate services and crude goods. Their scams always end up in a disastrous failure either because the kids catch on, Ed botches the whole thing, or the infamous Kanker Sisters gatecrash their way through the episodes. Sometimes the episode doesn’t truly start until after the scam has failed, in which case a hilarious adventure filled with slapstick comedy is in store for the three Ed’s, which also most of the time ends horribly for the slippery rogues.

When going through a list of things to like about this series, the characters are at the top, especially when talking about the three Ed’s. Even though they share a variation of the name Edward and are best friends until the end, the three kids couldn’t be more polarizing in terms of personality and how they interact with the other kids. Ed is the dunderheaded muscle of the group, Double D is the scrawny brains, and Eddy is the loudmouthed hustler who comes up with every scam the three attempt. Their opposing personalities mesh so well together that the comedy can come from any angle. It’s part of the reason why the show stayed fresh for a whole decade before it was ended.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for five other characters who occupy the show. It’s rare for me to lodge complaints at mediums that I give a passing grade to, but these five characters in question warrant it. The three Kanker Sisters are at the top of any watcher’s shit list. They claim to have romantic crushes on the Ed’s, but come off as bullies when they try to get their attention, leading them to look like rapists or molesters. Then you have the stereotypical jock Kevin, who’s always calling the Ed’s “dorks” and finding other ways to harass them. The fifth character in question has earned every B-word the audience thinks of calling her. Her name is Sarah and she’s the bratty, spoiled, loud, and violent little sister of Ed. It’s rare to see justice served to these five jerks, but when it happens, it’s sweet to watch. Remember the episode where Ed was in a grumpy mood, so he yelled at Sarah and turned Eddy into a baseball bat before knocking Kevin out of the park? If only he could do those things to the Kanker Sisters.

In addition to the wild antics of each character and the comedy that spawns from it, there’s also a little bit of mystique when it comes to the show. Aside from the regular roster of characters, no other children are on the show, not even as extras. The only way we would ever see an adult on the show is if their arms and legs are showing, but little else. It’s because of this mystique that I keep watching the show when new episodes are out; I keep secretly hoping to see an adult or other character.

My wishes were answered during the final episode of Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy, which was an hour-long TV movie called The Ed’s Big Picture Show. Prior to this conclusion to the series, Eddy was always bragging about how his older brother was so cool and how he struck fear in the hearts of other children. When Eddy’s nameless brother finally appears on screen, he turns out to be a sadistic bully who torments Eddy in front of the other kids. The brother is eventually taken out by a swinging trailer door and Eddy apologizes to the other kids for every scam he created in his sibling’s name. The end of the TV movie shows the cul-de-sac kids accepting the apology and making the Ed’s their best friends. It was a heartwarming ending to a series where failure is part of the crude humor.

Having this series as a part of my life for a decade makes me wonder if Danny Antonucci is going to create any other series that are as good or better than Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy. I haven’t heard anything as of late, which is sad, because Mr. Antonucci is a talented cartoonist who not only created a television show, but a piece of his soul, which is corny to say, but I said it anyways. Come back, Danny! Come back!