NAME: Sarah Tonin
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: Rebel Clown
CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project
The canon Macaroni & Ownage Project should sound familiar to anybody who read Makoto Lionheart’s profile. If you haven’t read it, go read it now on my Deviant Art account, Good Reads blog, or Garrison’s Library. You have to do some serious excavation to find it, but I’m not repeating everything I said about the canon in that profile. All you need to know that the MOP is a group of Juggalo-like clowns who rebel against a religious king named Rajim Kane and his demon giant Broken Soul.
One of the rebels for the cause is Sarah Tonin. Go ahead and laugh at the obvious pun, because that’s what was intended. I wanted a name that was a play on words for serotonin, the chemical in the brain that registers euphoria. Sarah, the actual character this word is based on, is anything but euphoric. In fact, she’s bat shit crazy and she’s carrying a wooden staff: not a good combination. People worry about the mentally ill obtaining guns and they should. But what you should really worry about is Sarah Tonin carrying a fucking staff. She can split your skull like a coconut, crack your ribs like crab legs, and blow out your knees to where you have to crawl from point A to point B.
Sarah doesn’t show much of her wild personality in the beginning of the movie script. In fact, she stays quiet while the other two surviving clowns, Lee Murdock and Makoto Lionheart, are constantly at each other’s throats. It’s when the three clowns join a martial arts tournament that things really begin to heat up. Sarah loses to a capoeira fighter named Sonny Fu in the quarterfinals and because she’s a sore loser, she beats the shit out of him in the locker room area. But here’s the million dollar question: though Sarah is the prime suspect in Sonny Fu’s hospitalization, is she really to be held responsible or should we take into account that she has multiple personalities as a result of a traumatic past?
Sarah eventually has to face the music when she takes a nap in the woods and finds herself in a different world brought on by psychosis, where she has to fight two warriors named Rowan Z and X King. The two warriors beat the shit out of her until she learns how to control her psychotic mind and returns the favor. She then wakes up from her traumatic nightmare when Lee and Makoto shake her body into consciousness. The whole thing was a fucking dream. Before you scream Deus Ex Machina, you have to know that Sarah Tonin might not have woken up from that dream. She could have died in her sleep and that would be the end of her. Yikes!
This whole time, Sarah, Lee, and Makoto have been traveling to an ancient temple where they were going to seek counseling from a clown sage, who supposedly has the answers on how to defeat Broken Soul. I say supposedly, because the sage’s advice sounds like a bunch of gibberish and jargon. When Broken Soul finally arrives, the three have no idea how to interpret the advice and Lee Murdock gets stepped on while trying to save Makoto’s life. The battle ends when a fourth clown, who was crucified by Rajim Kane, arrives to interpret the sage’s answer: just be your disgusting and creepy selves. Apparently, that advice was good enough for the nameless clown, Lee, and Makoto to finish the job and put an end to Rajim Kane’s reign of terror.
Does this sound like a credible story to you? Maybe after a few tweaks here and there, it could have been something great. But my money is on the fact that anything I’ve written before 2013 is beyond repair due to my lack of reading experience and unwillingness to listen to the critics who are trying to help me. So now Miss Tonin is in the unemployment line of my imagination. And yes, she will keep her name Sarah Tonin despite the fact that it’s an obvious punch line.
If you think Sarah Tonin’s name is a joke, listen to this. In my WIP psychological fantasy novel Watch You Burn, Mario Bryan’s ex-girlfriend is named Terri. For the longest time, she hasn’t been assigned a last name…until now. Her last name is…Bull. If you’re going to call her Terri Bullshit, you’ve got the wrong punch line I mind. Just Terri Bull will be good enough. Now say her full name really fast and you get…”terrible”! Hahahahaha! Oh, that’s so funny! But trust me, Terri Bull and Sarah Tonin have nothing in common with each other. One of them is a crazy bitch who will beat you to death with a wooden stick…and the other is a rebel clown.
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Look, I don’t mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I have to wear, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some self-righteous lucky turd come over here and treat me and Dante like we’re a couple of fucking porch monkeys!”
-Randal Graves from “Clerks II”-
Showing posts with label The Macaroni & Ownage Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Macaroni & Ownage Project. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Makoto Lionheart
NAME: Makoto Lionheart
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Samurai Clown
CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project
Those stats alone should tell you how much of a colorful character Makoto had the potential to be. How many samurai clowns are there in this world? And how many people can genuinely say they were part of something called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, whatever the hell that is? It’s a delightfully weird hodgepodge we’ve got going on here. And yet, when I dropped the ball with Makoto, it was the size of a bowling ball and it broke my fucking foot. What could have possibly went wrong with such a chaotic character? Well, seeing as how none of the chaos was controlled, I can think of a number of ways.
In 2007, I wrote a fantasy movie script called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, where a bunch of medieval juggalos rebel against an oppressive and religiously zealous leader named Rajim Kane. The group of clowns responsible for the rebellion would ambush and humiliate Mr. Kane’s forces, just like lunatic clowns do. They’d do things like dry hump a few knights, throw shit-flavored pies in preachers’ faces, and smack around a noble king with a popping jack-in-the-box. Think of the most bizarre and disrespectful shit you can and these clowns did it all. I’m sure a dead ringer for The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust was somewhere within their ranks.
Makoto Lionheart was a member of this organization and even wore the face paint and clown nose to prove it. She just wasn’t as degenerate as her cohorts. In fact, her male counterpart Lee Murdoch seemed to think she was too soft, so he would subject her to sexual ridicule to try to bring out her inner demons. Smart strategy, right? Not!
Although, to Makoto’s credit, she eventually turned to the dark side when it mattered the most. She was kidnapped by a group of Amazon prostitutes (I’m rolling my eyes just saying that) and broke free by disgusting them to death. How did she do it? By ripping out a client’s skull and spinal cord and then coating the body parts in sugar before licking it like a lollipop. Yeah, there’s no way such a movie would get under an NC-17 rating.
Unfortunately, that Faces of Death-style grotesqueness was Makoto’s shining moment in that movie. Well, that and choking Lee Murdoch into unconsciousness with a head scissors leg lock during a fighting tournament. If such sickening sights are the high point of a movie, what are the low points? And you know what the worst part about all of this was? These horrifying antics were normal to me. They still are a little bit normal to me. Yes, I’ve mellowed out considerably over the years, but something deep inside me keeps yelling in a Cavalera-esque voice, “Blood! Fire! War! Hate!” Either that, or I’m listening to Soulfly’s “Conquer” album, one of the two.
So now that another story is about to get Makoto’s sloppy seconds, what exactly am I supposed to do with someone who could be a repeat offender for the Worst Gimmick award if she was in the WWE? What do I do with the illegitimate sister of Gold and Stardust? Should I take the same route where she’s soft at first but then becomes nastier as the story moves on? It’s a reasonable technique, but maybe I could tone down some of the nonsensical violence. Don’t get me wrong, she can still have weird quirks, but they’ll be PG-13 quirks. Makoto will be strange enough to make everyone around her uncomfortable, but peaceful enough to avoid being labeled a sociopath.
Now that I think about it, Makoto Lionheart is a female version of me! Oh, this could be something to cash in on for sure! Maybe she can blow her nose in public as loudly as an elephant. Maybe she can drink fake liquid cheese with bacon bits stirred in; a whole gallon, to be exact! Maybe she can get in an elevator with a lot of people and make it go to an entirely different floor than what everyone intended. And when she does the latter, she won’t say a word to the other passengers no matter how many times they try to engage her in conversation. If she did say something, it’d be like, “Well, I don’t have a chance at a five-way, so I might as well act as crazy as I want.” Now we’re talking! Hey, they wanted conversation, right?
Yes, Makoto Lionheart took a hard fall when it came to character unemployment. In fact, her presence alone might have been part of the reason why my friend at the time Sarah was too afraid to read The Macaroni & Ownage Project. Sarah even admitted to me that she was afraid of clowns. Never mind the disgusting antics of the rebel group, just the fact that they wear juggalo makeup is enough to creep this poor girl out. If such a movie script can creep out someone of sensitive psychology, imagine if it went up against an audience who was tough minded, which is hard to find these days, to be honest. Would they still be disgusted? Part of me says yes, which is why I’m going to be careful with Makoto’s character development in the future. Good call? I’d say so.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Because I was born this way. I got lightning running through my veins. Ain’t nobody gonna stop this train. So hop onboard or get out the way.”
-Thousand Foot Krutch singing “Born This Way”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
Is it wrong that I’m quoting a Christian metal band in a blog entry about sexually deviant clowns?
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Samurai Clown
CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project
Those stats alone should tell you how much of a colorful character Makoto had the potential to be. How many samurai clowns are there in this world? And how many people can genuinely say they were part of something called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, whatever the hell that is? It’s a delightfully weird hodgepodge we’ve got going on here. And yet, when I dropped the ball with Makoto, it was the size of a bowling ball and it broke my fucking foot. What could have possibly went wrong with such a chaotic character? Well, seeing as how none of the chaos was controlled, I can think of a number of ways.
In 2007, I wrote a fantasy movie script called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, where a bunch of medieval juggalos rebel against an oppressive and religiously zealous leader named Rajim Kane. The group of clowns responsible for the rebellion would ambush and humiliate Mr. Kane’s forces, just like lunatic clowns do. They’d do things like dry hump a few knights, throw shit-flavored pies in preachers’ faces, and smack around a noble king with a popping jack-in-the-box. Think of the most bizarre and disrespectful shit you can and these clowns did it all. I’m sure a dead ringer for The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust was somewhere within their ranks.
Makoto Lionheart was a member of this organization and even wore the face paint and clown nose to prove it. She just wasn’t as degenerate as her cohorts. In fact, her male counterpart Lee Murdoch seemed to think she was too soft, so he would subject her to sexual ridicule to try to bring out her inner demons. Smart strategy, right? Not!
Although, to Makoto’s credit, she eventually turned to the dark side when it mattered the most. She was kidnapped by a group of Amazon prostitutes (I’m rolling my eyes just saying that) and broke free by disgusting them to death. How did she do it? By ripping out a client’s skull and spinal cord and then coating the body parts in sugar before licking it like a lollipop. Yeah, there’s no way such a movie would get under an NC-17 rating.
Unfortunately, that Faces of Death-style grotesqueness was Makoto’s shining moment in that movie. Well, that and choking Lee Murdoch into unconsciousness with a head scissors leg lock during a fighting tournament. If such sickening sights are the high point of a movie, what are the low points? And you know what the worst part about all of this was? These horrifying antics were normal to me. They still are a little bit normal to me. Yes, I’ve mellowed out considerably over the years, but something deep inside me keeps yelling in a Cavalera-esque voice, “Blood! Fire! War! Hate!” Either that, or I’m listening to Soulfly’s “Conquer” album, one of the two.
So now that another story is about to get Makoto’s sloppy seconds, what exactly am I supposed to do with someone who could be a repeat offender for the Worst Gimmick award if she was in the WWE? What do I do with the illegitimate sister of Gold and Stardust? Should I take the same route where she’s soft at first but then becomes nastier as the story moves on? It’s a reasonable technique, but maybe I could tone down some of the nonsensical violence. Don’t get me wrong, she can still have weird quirks, but they’ll be PG-13 quirks. Makoto will be strange enough to make everyone around her uncomfortable, but peaceful enough to avoid being labeled a sociopath.
Now that I think about it, Makoto Lionheart is a female version of me! Oh, this could be something to cash in on for sure! Maybe she can blow her nose in public as loudly as an elephant. Maybe she can drink fake liquid cheese with bacon bits stirred in; a whole gallon, to be exact! Maybe she can get in an elevator with a lot of people and make it go to an entirely different floor than what everyone intended. And when she does the latter, she won’t say a word to the other passengers no matter how many times they try to engage her in conversation. If she did say something, it’d be like, “Well, I don’t have a chance at a five-way, so I might as well act as crazy as I want.” Now we’re talking! Hey, they wanted conversation, right?
Yes, Makoto Lionheart took a hard fall when it came to character unemployment. In fact, her presence alone might have been part of the reason why my friend at the time Sarah was too afraid to read The Macaroni & Ownage Project. Sarah even admitted to me that she was afraid of clowns. Never mind the disgusting antics of the rebel group, just the fact that they wear juggalo makeup is enough to creep this poor girl out. If such a movie script can creep out someone of sensitive psychology, imagine if it went up against an audience who was tough minded, which is hard to find these days, to be honest. Would they still be disgusted? Part of me says yes, which is why I’m going to be careful with Makoto’s character development in the future. Good call? I’d say so.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Because I was born this way. I got lightning running through my veins. Ain’t nobody gonna stop this train. So hop onboard or get out the way.”
-Thousand Foot Krutch singing “Born This Way”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
Is it wrong that I’m quoting a Christian metal band in a blog entry about sexually deviant clowns?
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