Makoto Lionheart

NAME: Makoto Lionheart

AGE: 18

OCCUPATION: Samurai Clown

CANON: The Macaroni & Ownage Project

Those stats alone should tell you how much of a colorful character Makoto had the potential to be. How many samurai clowns are there in this world? And how many people can genuinely say they were part of something called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, whatever the hell that is? It’s a delightfully weird hodgepodge we’ve got going on here. And yet, when I dropped the ball with Makoto, it was the size of a bowling ball and it broke my fucking foot. What could have possibly went wrong with such a chaotic character? Well, seeing as how none of the chaos was controlled, I can think of a number of ways.

In 2007, I wrote a fantasy movie script called The Macaroni & Ownage Project, where a bunch of medieval juggalos rebel against an oppressive and religiously zealous leader named Rajim Kane. The group of clowns responsible for the rebellion would ambush and humiliate Mr. Kane’s forces, just like lunatic clowns do. They’d do things like dry hump a few knights, throw shit-flavored pies in preachers’ faces, and smack around a noble king with a popping jack-in-the-box. Think of the most bizarre and disrespectful shit you can and these clowns did it all. I’m sure a dead ringer for The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust was somewhere within their ranks.

Makoto Lionheart was a member of this organization and even wore the face paint and clown nose to prove it. She just wasn’t as degenerate as her cohorts. In fact, her male counterpart Lee Murdoch seemed to think she was too soft, so he would subject her to sexual ridicule to try to bring out her inner demons. Smart strategy, right? Not!

Although, to Makoto’s credit, she eventually turned to the dark side when it mattered the most. She was kidnapped by a group of Amazon prostitutes (I’m rolling my eyes just saying that) and broke free by disgusting them to death. How did she do it? By ripping out a client’s skull and spinal cord and then coating the body parts in sugar before licking it like a lollipop. Yeah, there’s no way such a movie would get under an NC-17 rating.

Unfortunately, that Faces of Death-style grotesqueness was Makoto’s shining moment in that movie. Well, that and choking Lee Murdoch into unconsciousness with a head scissors leg lock during a fighting tournament. If such sickening sights are the high point of a movie, what are the low points? And you know what the worst part about all of this was? These horrifying antics were normal to me. They still are a little bit normal to me. Yes, I’ve mellowed out considerably over the years, but something deep inside me keeps yelling in a Cavalera-esque voice, “Blood! Fire! War! Hate!” Either that, or I’m listening to Soulfly’s “Conquer” album, one of the two.

So now that another story is about to get Makoto’s sloppy seconds, what exactly am I supposed to do with someone who could be a repeat offender for the Worst Gimmick award if she was in the WWE? What do I do with the illegitimate sister of Gold and Stardust? Should I take the same route where she’s soft at first but then becomes nastier as the story moves on? It’s a reasonable technique, but maybe I could tone down some of the nonsensical violence. Don’t get me wrong, she can still have weird quirks, but they’ll be PG-13 quirks. Makoto will be strange enough to make everyone around her uncomfortable, but peaceful enough to avoid being labeled a sociopath.

Now that I think about it, Makoto Lionheart is a female version of me! Oh, this could be something to cash in on for sure! Maybe she can blow her nose in public as loudly as an elephant. Maybe she can drink fake liquid cheese with bacon bits stirred in; a whole gallon, to be exact! Maybe she can get in an elevator with a lot of people and make it go to an entirely different floor than what everyone intended. And when she does the latter, she won’t say a word to the other passengers no matter how many times they try to engage her in conversation. If she did say something, it’d be like, “Well, I don’t have a chance at a five-way, so I might as well act as crazy as I want.” Now we’re talking! Hey, they wanted conversation, right?

Yes, Makoto Lionheart took a hard fall when it came to character unemployment. In fact, her presence alone might have been part of the reason why my friend at the time Sarah was too afraid to read The Macaroni & Ownage Project. Sarah even admitted to me that she was afraid of clowns. Never mind the disgusting antics of the rebel group, just the fact that they wear juggalo makeup is enough to creep this poor girl out. If such a movie script can creep out someone of sensitive psychology, imagine if it went up against an audience who was tough minded, which is hard to find these days, to be honest. Would they still be disgusted? Part of me says yes, which is why I’m going to be careful with Makoto’s character development in the future. Good call? I’d say so.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Because I was born this way. I got lightning running through my veins. Ain’t nobody gonna stop this train. So hop onboard or get out the way.”

-Thousand Foot Krutch singing “Born This Way”-

　

***POST-SCRIPT***

Is it wrong that I’m quoting a Christian metal band in a blog entry about sexually deviant clowns?