Jacob Slash

NAME: Jacob Slash
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Rat Samurai Barbarian
CANON: Final Fantasy Hardcore 2


Yes, you read his occupation right: he is a humanoid rat who happens to be a samurai and a barbarian at the same time. He wears barbarian boots and barbarian armor underneath his silk samurai robe. He’s not just good with a katana; he’s a goddamn murderer. He’s so good with a katana that he carries two of them, just like a barbarian would if we were talking about Diablo II. Jacob Slash has all the right tools it takes to be a villainous warrior. He’s dual classed, he’s a hideous rodent who smells like sewage and cheese, and his last name is Slash. The only other person I know who’s named Slash is the former guitarist for Guns N’ Roses and as far as I know, he doesn’t rip the shit out of people with two big ass katana blades.

Jacob Slash was the first in what would turn out to be a whole series of anthropomorphic animal warriors who would have played the role of major bosses in Final Fantasy Hardcore 2. Unfortunately, that videogame idea never got off the ground, let alone got completed. So now what I’m left with is a whole army of animal warriors who are eager to ground and pound their way to victory. They’ll find a home somewhere, I swear!

The formula for making these intimidating bosses was simple. For the first name, I took a normal everyday name and reversed the spelling of it. For the last name, I combined two badass buzzwords that might have been used in traditional fantasy genre works. The class and species of each warrior had to be conducive to each other in some way, a good example being a hippopotamus barbarian or a wasp wizard, though mixing and matching classes and races was a random endeavour in and of itself. It’s the reason why we have half-orc paladins and pixie barbarians.

In the case of Jacob Slash, his name used to be Ekaj Hoarslash. But in today’s world, that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Ekaj sounds nice, but I want something with a little more substance, so I choose Jacob. And who in the hell would want to be known for slashing whores? That’s not a nice thing to do to our sex workers. So now this rat barbarian samurai (a mixture that still tickles me to this day) will be known as Jacob Slash, which is simple, yet no less intimidating than before.

What kind of role would a hideous creature like Jacob Slash play in a novel or short story? It’s funny I should ask myself that, because over the past few weeks, I’ve been getting back into the groove of writing a novel called Watch You Burn, which is about a schizophrenic college student named Mario Bryan who is recruited by an anime superhero named Gryace to help save the world from a disgustingly strong ogre named Sage. About that novel, I’m almost finished with the first draft. After I run the first draft through Marie Krepps’ wringer, then I could seriously contemplate writing a sequel with Jacob Slash as the lead villain.

Jacob Slash and Sage Thunderbreath have a lot in common. They both have barbaric mentalities. They’re both vomit-worthy in terms of their physical appearances. They’re unequaled when it comes to hand-to-hand and magical combat. The only difference between them, however, would have to be that Jacob is motivated by a deeper agenda than Sage. In the final stages of Watch You Burn, it’s revealed that Sage Thunderbreath does the things he does because he’s jealous of the universe’s beautiful people. Jacob want something a little less shallow: power. Fear. Recognition. Respect. Fame. Fortune. Jacob believes he can get it all through ultra-violence. He also has a serious god complex going on, which makes him even more dangerous and entitled.

Will Mario Bryan be able to withstand the punishment Sage Thunderbreath brings to every battle? That’s been debatable since the start of the story. What’s even less debatable than that is asking the same question, but with Jacob Slash as the object of the sentence. The answer is no fucking way. But that’s assuming I use Jacob in the sequel of Watch You Burn or if there even is a sequel to begin with. Surely, there are other ways in which Jacob can splatter blood across the land. He is, after all, a rat barbarian samurai, which I may not be able to say with a straight face, but is no less dangerous than a single class warrior.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DOCTOR: I am done playing these games with you! I am finished!
GANGSTER: You want out? Hell, we all do.

-Complications-

Mario Bryan

My characters are an extension of my personality in some way. Mario Bryan is no different. He’s an atheist liberal, he hears voices in his head, he was a pro-wrestling and MMA enthusiast, and he studied English in college. Mario and I couldn’t be more alike if we both were featured in the music video for “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another way we’re alike is how we came to be schizophrenics. It was during a time in our lives when we thought nothing could touch us. We were riding high creatively and academically. Mario had a hot girlfriend named Tori Edge and I was getting used to the company of girls. And then when we started hearing voices in our heads, our charisma was pretty much nonexistent. Once the charisma was gone, so were our social circles. This is how we graduated from high school: lost in delusion and all alone in the process. For me, college was more of the same: tons of head voices and nobody to be friends with. But for Mario Bryan, it’s not too late just yet. He was my main character in a Good Reads college genre role-playing game. His first appearance in the collective storyline was at Barnes & Noble, where he would purchase the darkly funny thriller “Pipsqueak” by Brian Wiprud. During this transaction, he wouldn’t even look the clerk in the eye and she couldn’t do it either. Mario just gave her his debit card and she charged it for the purchase. When he went over to the tea bar, however, the storyline became slightly more interesting. The female clerk (Emily) was being yelled at by her boss and she could do nothing but run over to the tea bar as an escape plan. With this stressed out lady in front of him, Mario did something his introversion and schizophrenia would never allow him to do: he asked if she was okay. The conversation between him and Emily started getting more casual with topics ranging from tastes in literature to college majors. There was one point in the conversation where Mario did a Bullwinkle impression for her and she giggled at it. She didn’t know who Bullwinkle was, but she loved the impression anyways. Two socially awkward people such as Mario and Emily would have made great friends, maybe even a great couple at best. Due to inactivity and nobody showing an interest in playing with me, this gimmick never materialized. Mario Bryan is still a schizophrenic college student, but now he doesn’t have a college to go to. At least with his disability, he can collect social security until he’s ready for the job market. The only question now is, what kind of job will he take? I’m sure there’s somebody out there who needs a weirdo like him.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I've built myself a stage to plea. The curtains closed, it's only me. It's only me to beg and to plead. Left for dead and left to bleed. Thirteen struck dead, unlucky at best. I'll never rest, in hell I'm just a guest. So listen closely because I'll only say it once before departing. When the show ends it's really only starting.”

-Sworn In singing “XIII”-